A LONG TIME TO WAIT.
My daughter has finally married out. For twenty three years I delayed this marriage because I feared loosing what little connection I had left with her. When Peony died my only comfort was the idea that she'd stay connected to us if her tablet remained in the Chen family villa. I longed for her presence for years, but so painful it was to remain at home knowing she was dead, and feeling the emptiness where I wished to feel her near me was too much and I spent so much time away from home, focusing only on work just to run away from the fact that I did not have a connection with her anymore.
When I came home after retiring, I thought-maybe-just maybe now I'd feel her with me, but I never did. I have grandson's now, they light up my heart and life-and I take comfort in knowing the Chen family is now saved-I thank my wife's spirit for this, for they only came after her death, so I know she has once again saved me-and the family, but even my precious grandsons cannot remove the hole left by Peony's death.
When the matchmaker came, I knew that no matter how long I waited, I would not feel her with me. I knew in my heart I never would, and decided it was finally time. She was meant to be with Ren.
Then a unexpected thing happened-as I negoiated the bride price, demanding what my daughter was still worth to me-dead or alive, she'd always be the precious pearl in the palm of my hand-I felt her with me-I felt Peony.
She was here with me, and somehow I felt as though she was saying she was sorry for having stayed away for so long but that she was with me now. I couldn't understand why, why now of all times when I decided to let her go that I finally felt her with me.
Madam Wu replied that I should twenty three years was a long time to wait-and that I should've done what was right by her. The words had cut me like a knife-had I done Peony as much wrong in death as I had in life by encouraging her lovesickness?
The anwser became clear as no matter how hard we searched, her tablet could not be found. Could it be that the reason I had never felt her was because the tablet had been lost? Buried? Thrown away?
I has always believed its absence during festivals and times for offering was because my wife who had always followed the proper ritual properties knew its presence on the altar would not be proper-but I had believed she had made offerings to it in private but had that not been so? I had never asked because...it had been so painful for her-and so painful for me. I never made offerings myself, even after my wife died-trusting it was put in a safe spot and that my daughter-in-law had received instructions from my wife for caring for it-because looking at it gave me so much pain.
For those two weeks, I felt Peony's presence around the villa. Sometime's I'd feel her in the servant's quarters, or in the hall or around the storerooms-but sometimes, at night, I'd feel her with me in my study, as I'd sit at my desk-and look across from me at where she use to sit when she was alive.
"I'm so sorry, Peony...I promise we'll find your tablet. Baba won't make you wait anymore, your place is with Ren...not to be trapped here with a father who up to now was too weak to do right by you." I spoke aloud one night, and I could've sworn I felt arms wrap around me and a cool spot on my cheek. It had been cold, but my heart had been the warmest it had been since she had died.
Tears of relief gathered in my eyes when I heard her tablet had been found and placed safely inside the doll which would be her body at the wedding day she should've had twenty three years ago. I was so glad that my wife had kept her wedding clothes, my own heart ache would never have allowed me to have such strength. She would've been so much more beautiful in her wedding clothes then that doll was.
I went with her every step of the way; wanting to stay in her company and presence for as long as possible, wanting to hold onto the presence that had finally returned for as long as I could continue to do so.
At the wedding, I felt as a strange peace fill my being-the presence of my wife and mother, I felt them hovering around me, and Peony, for the last time, sitting right next to me.
"Take good care of her." I told Ren, who I knew would do right by my daughter. I never wanted the evening to end, I did not want the presence of my wife, mother and daughter to leave me again. I don't want to be alone, but I knew I had to let them all go. I was still part of the living world, and until I could join them I had to let go.
As the doll was picked up to be carried to the bed chamber, I raised my hand to farewell to Peony, and at that moment, I swear I saw her. It was just a flicker, as quick as the blink of a eye, but then I felt her presence wrap around me, and I knew she was bidding me farewell.
'I'm sorry I ever doubted death was never your fault, you made me who I am-and I will always love you, Baba.' It was as if a voice was whispered on the wind, but only heard by me. As the doll was carried away, her presece and voice floated away from me as well.
Madam Wu's words made sense now-in my grief I neglected my poor daughter, that is why I never felt her. My wish to escape my memories of the pain of loosing her, also made me escape from all the good memories, and blocked her presence from my heart.
I no longer feel her around the villa; she was with Ren now. I would probably never feel her presence close to me again, not until the day I join her and her mother in the afterworld, but unlike before, I no longer felt as if I had longer any connection to her.
I had done my fatherly duty to my daughter after so many years, and the bond I couldn't feel all these years as I tried to run from the pain of her loss surfaced in my heart. It was the bond of father and daughter, that not even death would be able to severe.
Twenty three years had been a long time to force her to wait for me to stop running from her memory and let her back into my heart, and by doing so-I know I had been let back into hers. When the day comes that I die, I'll be able to embrace my dear Peony without shame as a true father who had faced his pain and did what was needed for his daughter.
"I'm sorry to have made you wait so long, Peony. I know you'll happy with Ren, and that you'll properly cared for from now on." I spoke aloud, knowing that even though her presence was not here with me, she would feel me with her heart. "It shouldn't be too much longer before your Baba joins your Mama and you, until then I'll keep your memory close to my heart as something precious rather then painful."