Walk Away
Her first kiss is with Davy Gudgeon under the Quidditch pitch stands. In under six minutes, she convinces him it's more than just experimentation, experiments, and sends him running to Madam Pomfrey with a severe Bat-Bogey hex when she's had enough. "Manipulative toerag," she tells him, when what she really means is don't go, prove me wrong, care enough to stay. He doesn't stay.
They don't call her frigid for nothing.
You make a lot of enemies when you're best mates with Severus Snape, Lily realizes over the years. It doesn't bother her so much as it hardens her: love no one, trust no one, believe no one but yourself. It's a cruel mantra to follow, at first, but the loneliness dulls to a low, throbbing nuisance, her own emotional headache that recurs from time to time. Sev helps—at least, until that day, when she stands by the lake with the Slytherin girls and pretends to fit in, when he—
Slipped out? It's too late. Stay here, don't listen to me, I don't mean it—
I've made excuses for you for years. Don't give me a reason to stop.
None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You know me, Sev, you know I don't have other friends to judge.
I can't pretend anymore. Don't walk away, Sev; if you stay, it won't be pretending.
You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine. There's still time to change your mind—
Sev walks away. Lily wishes he knew what she really wanted.
She comes home that summer to a spiteful Tuney and newly divorced parents. It's all she can do to hold it together, less for herself than for her image.
(Why must she play this game?)
Her N.E.W.T. classes bring isolation and James Potter's affections in their wake, and frankly, it's the last thing Lily needs. She finally snaps well into seventh year, faced with a lopsided smile and a pick-up line at the end of a prefect meeting. Déjà vu, she thinks, and she's sure he'll be just like all the others.
Go away. But keep coming back.
I'm not interested. Give me more time.
I loathe you. I love you.
James doesn't walk away.
"Don't push so hard," he advises her, keeping his distance but looking straight at her. "It's awfully effective."
Maybe he's right.