Gregor begrudgingly rolled out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom, squinting against the sudden change of light. He got in the shower, letting the hot water wash away the sweat from last night's installment of nightmares. Always the nightmares. Tormenting him in sleep and out of it. They attacked him at school, on the weekends, everywhere. He would feel the beginnings of his consciousness slipping away, and his mind once again returned to the Underland.
The result: A very sleep-deprived, moody Gregor.
Last night, he had once again watched Ares die by the Bane's claws. He had been cradled by the bat's crooked, lifeless wings. Saw himself dying, too. He hadn't actually died, of course. He would have welcomed death gladly. But, it seemed, Gregor wasn't meant to die. The gluttonous shiners had made sure of that.
Ares the flier, I bond you
Our life and death are one, we two
In dark, in flame, in war and strife
I save you as I save my life
Gregor pushed the thought out of his mind, stepping out of the shower. Things like this would hit him when he least expected it. A few years ago, he had been at the mall with his mom and sisters when Boots ran up to him carrying a little stuffed animal bat. He had pushed past his mom and ran until he found himself curled up in the corner of one of the bathroom stalls. Trembling from head to toe, sobbing, his breathing coming in gasps. It had taken at least forty-five minutes for his mom to find him. And find him she did, a look of deep concern etched across her face as she fretted over him. By that time, he had calmed himself down enough to feign that he was fine. She didn't believe him, of course.
Another time, he had taken Lizzie to the bookstore, and a girl walked past them. She had had violet eyes, and pale skin. "Luxa?" He had called out, running toward her. She turned, and he realized she didn't have violet eyes at all, but brown ones. His face had burned bright red as he apologized, then whisked Liz out of the store and didn't stop walking until they were a good few blocks away. It hit him then, too. Another episode. He had started to panic, trembling all over. Lizzie got so worked up that she went into a state too. They had just sat there and held each other until he had enough sense to pull out his cellphone and call his mom.
That night, Lizzie had crept into his room and shyly crawled into his bed, snuggling up against his chest. She grabbed onto his hand, tracing one of the scars on his wrist with her little fingertips. "You miss her." She said. "You miss all of them."
Gregor nodded. "'Course I do." He said softly.
"They're with you, though, in here." She put her hand over his heart. Just over where the Bane had left his mark.
Luxa and Howard and Vikus. Nike, Hazard, Temp, Mareth, Aurora, Dulcet, and even Ripred. They all held a special place in his heart. A memory began to tug its way into Gregor's head. "My heart is so crowded already, but I'm sure the others will make room for Thalia. She is not a very big bat." Hazard has lost Thalia, just as he had lost his father, Hamnet. Just as he had lost his mother. Just as he had lost Frill.
And so many others had died, too. Ares, and Cartesian, Pandora and Mange. Tick and Twitchtip. All gone. But they were there, filling his heart. Always with him.
Lizzie had fallen asleep there, nestled against him, her little fist still resting on his chest. And somehow, he managed to escape nightmares that night.
He crept downstairs quietly. No doubt, his family was still asleep. They had moved here a few years ago. His grandma had passed away a month after his family had resurfaced from the Underland. His mom had packed them all up as soon as she could, grief-stricken and anxious to get away from 'that wretched place', or so she called it.
His uncle was in the kitchen, bent over a book, a cup of coffee in his hand. He looked up when Gregor came in.
"Ah. Early bird finally decided to come and join me. I was just about to start chores. Want to come with?"
Gregor nodded, glad to get away from his head for a while. It was Saturday. The sun was just beginning to rise over the sloping hills that surrounded the family farm. He wolfed down a bowl of cereal and followed his uncle out into the cool morning air. The farm was peaceful. Life was simple here. No New York City sounds. No car horns or sirens or people, all bustling about their busy lives. No unmistakable hum of too many people in one place.
He had grown accustomed to the quiet. Liked it even, though he dared not admit it. He was determined to defy his mom. To prove her wrong. In the beginning, he was furious with her for moving their family. He knew his destiny was to be in the Underland. He knew it was the only place he could call home, even if he didn't truly belong there.
Mrs. Cormaci had said people that come back from fighting in war were never the same. She had told him there would always be a part of him trapped down there, where he had sacrificed everything for a world that did not belong to him. He knew she was right. He had fought a war, and when he resurfaced, he wasn't the same.
There were too many things he couldn't ignore. His role as the warrior. Ares's lives he had taken. But there were good things, too. The friends he had made. The memories he had shared. Luxa.
No.
He pushed the thought from his mind. Refusing to think about it. He would drive himself insane. Probably already had.
He began, though, to understand his mom's reasons. He knew his parents couldn't live in constant fear that their son would go back down there, and never return. He knew Boots, who was, at the time, only four, would forget it in time. To stay would ruin her chance of remaining oblivious to the despair and fear that came with knowing about the Underland.
He openly disagreed with her, though. He had built walls around himself to protect himself from her. He distanced himself from her, without really meaning to. She tried to talk to him, to console him, but he pushed her away.
He knew he would return to the Underland, eventually. And a small part of him was scared that doing so would break her. So he distanced himself, more out of fear of hurting her than anything else. A little out of defiance. A little out of pity. What did it matter, anyway? She couldn't protect him from it any longer. He'd been through too much. He couldn't run away from it.
His uncle sent him to muck out the barn. They kept a variety of barnyard creatures. Boots adored them. Especially the goats. She would run around, picking up the babies, petting their heads and cooing to them. She had forgotten most about the Underland. For about a year, she would pester him about Temp, or the 'pincess' Nike, or 'Ow'. One day, he had woken up to find her face inches from his own. She had a cockroach enclosed in her pudgy little hand. "I see Temp." She said, in a hushed, fascinated whisper. She was squeezing it so hard she probably killed the thing. He had calmly taken it from her and stuffed it in the garbage bag. But the whole day, she had gone around garbling in crawler. His mom, upon hearing her, rounded on him, beside herself with fury. And then a whole fight ensued between them, in which Boots began to cry and his mom stopped yelling at him only to console her.
When he finished with the barn, the whole family gathered around the kitchen table for lunch. His mom whipped up PB&J sandwiches and his aunt told them funny stories. His worries melted away for a little while. Somewhere in the middle of it, Lizzie began tapping out a message from the Tree of Transmission with her fork, to which he jokingly responded. She giggled, smiling brightly. When the initial humor faded, however, she looked sad. Gregor knew that Ripred had been the one to teach her the tree of transmission, and they had spent hours together, unraveling the code. He, too, felt a twinge of sorrow. Hadn't he and Luxa done the very same thing? Daedalus, Min, Reflex, and Heronian. He even missed the code team. He couldn't believe he'd even remembered how to transmit it this long. Luckily, their mother hadn't even hear of the tree of transmission, and it slipped past her, unnoticed.
After lunch, he took Boots and Lizzie down to the creek. Lizzie skipped rocks while Boots splashed around, being her carefree self. Gregor allowed himself to rid his mind of the Underland all the way through the rest of the weekend.