About Annie

I should be happy to have her back with me safe and s… No, not sound. Safe at least. Her body is unharmed. The capitol had her in isolation, perhaps trying to figure out how to use her against me, but really against the rebellion. But what do you do with a catatonic who does not speak, hardly moves, drinks or eats only when force fed. She is so close to me now yet utterly unreachable. Back in District 4, when she disappeared into her mind, though never this far away, she used to respond to me. When no one could reach her, I was the only one who could pull her out of herself. Sometimes it took half a day, sometimes it took a week, but she would come back. She would start with brief glances in my direction. I could coax her to drink and swallow on her own. Eventually she would look straight into my eyes. If I spoke soothingly enough she would smile and close her eyes. Then she would allow me to touch her, just her hand, held lightly in mine. I learned that once she allowed my touch, she would soon begin responding to my questions. I would ask her simple things. Annie, do you want some more water? Do you want to take a walk? Do you remember the day we swam under the stars all night?Annie, do you know who gave you that ring? By the time I asked that last question, she was usually almost completely back. And each time I was so relieved, so incredibly thankful. But each time I had to go through this process, something inside me withered a little more. Maybe it was my innate optimism. The belief that problems in life could get fixed with enough effort, with enough will, with enough hope. I don't know if I have any of that left in me. Annie seems gone to me now. After weeks of trying to reach her desperately, with kindness, with firmness, with humor, with anger and then rage, she is unreachable. And I am lost. So I tie knots obsessively to hold it together, to ravel and unravel, to anchor myself. But anchor myself to what? What do I have if I don't have Annie?

About Katniss

The rebellion is going on as I sit here uselessly tying knots and visiting Annie. Coin thinks me too fragile to fight alongside the others. Most are out there contributing in some way. Katniss agreed to do the propos; Johanna and Gale are soldiers in the trenches. Beetee helps Plutarch and Coin strategize. Haymitch has kept himself semi-sober enough to help Plutarch as well, though I sense he is still mostly looking out for Katniss. I can understand why he can't completely give up alcohol. If I saddle myself with that job, I would be driven to drink as well. Katniss is unpredictable, at best. At worst, she is blinded by her stubborn will for autonomy. Katniss thinks that if she does not need anyone then she will not suffer or not suffer as much. Unfortunately for her, she loves ardently. She loves very few people, her sister, her mother, Gale, Haymitch, and Peeta. I thought her love for Peeta was a ruse to help her and him survive the games, but in the Quarter Quell arena, it became clear to me that it was not. She loves him wholly. When Peeta was rescued from the capitol and Katniss finally stopped disappearing and hiding, Plutarch commented dumbly that he didn't realize she loved him so much. I remember hearing Gale angrily mutter that she didn't just love him, that she needed him. As in to survive. That must distress her greatly since it compromises her need for autonomy so much. Maybe that is the reason she seems to hate him right now. I think that is why she agreed to do the propos. She wanted to leave 13. To get away from him. I don't think she can take his hatred of her. She was so happy when he was rescued. She and I stayed up the night before they were due back. We couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't even talk. I just sat there and tied knot after knot obsessively. She tried tying some simple knots I showed her, but she tired of it soon and just started throwing a knife at the wall. She was in a rage when she was not allowed to see him for a few days once they arrived. She could not believe that she was not safe in his company. Katniss simply refused to believe that Peeta could feel any other way about her than what he always feels– pure and unconditional love. She finally had to believe it when he tried to strangle her in their first meeting. She was so shocked to have a Peeta who was not her Peeta. At first she directed all of her anger at the capitol. They destroyed Peeta's mind. They killed something else she loved. She didn't participate in the efforts to rehabilitate him. She was too much of a trigger for his hijacked mind. Sweet Prim is helping Peeta mostly, as is Mrs. Everdeen. I think Katniss tried meeting with Peeta a few times, once she was told Peeta could stand to see her without harming her, although he was in restraints for safety. I don't think those conversations went very well because Katniss refused to talk about them afterward. She looked empty, void of all hope. She refused to tell doctors and even Prim what Peeta said to her. But it must have been something she could not handle, because soon after she agreed to join Coin's efforts in the war. I'm afraid for her now. I'm glad she still has Prim and her mother, and Gale to some extent too. But I think something has died in Katniss too. Something even Prim cannot give her. Something only Peeta can… could give her. She cannot see her goodness reflected back in his regard anymore. If you love, no need, someone who hates you. What do you have?

About Peeta

I can still see him under the bruised and pale face, under the scowl and wary gaze. I have gone to his room to see him a few times. After exhausting myself with Annie, just trying to get some reaction from her, to no avail. I go to see Peeta because for some reason I need to. I don't know why. I feel bad and anxious for him. I guess I feel like Katniss abandoned him. After practically falling apart because he was taken by the capitol, when he is rescued, she bails because it is too much for her. This makes me angry. Katniss is so strong, but in some ways she is very weak. She is weak when it comes to Peeta. She can save him only when she can be the strong one. She can clean him up and take him to safety when he's near death. She can fight and risk her life to get him medicine. She can improvise a brilliant plan to save them both and defy the system. But she cannot save him or even attempt to save him when she is no longer the luminary in his eyes. She cannot bear to be exposed by him. She cannot bear to see her weaknesses reflected back to her by Peeta, whom she holds in the highest regard. She can't get past her own self pity to help him. Instead she chooses to hate him. As if he is somehow responsible for his hatred of her, as if he's responsible that she is human and not the perfect Katniss that has seen reflected back to her in Peeta's eyes. But he is not responsible for his new and awful feelings for Katniss. He has been violated, infected by a virus of hate so forceful and so opposite of his true nature that his very survival is at stake. Because Peeta cannot help that his brain was altered. Any more that he can help that his leg was amputated. But I see what Katniss cannot see. You can take his leg but Peeta is unaltered. Peeta is still here. When I first spoke to him I saw him. I saw him. When I asked him questions, Peeta, how do you feel? Are you sleeping well?Do you want some food? The way he fists his hands to try to control the shaking, the way he looks down before he responds to my stupid inane questions because he's trying to respond normally and not like someone who's been chained to a wall in a dark room for months, the way he slumps when I leave because he thinks he's not making any progress. That is Peeta, suffering through the pain, through the struggle to get back, to truly return, for Katniss. I can only assume it's for Katniss because he's lost everyone else he loved. So I go back to see him every day because I start needing to go back. Too see him. To support him. To help him. I think my visits help him. He starts responding with more than just one or two words. I stop the questions and just talk to him. I tell him about my days here in 13. What I thought about it when I first arrived, how shitty the food is. I tell him about the truly great food in District 4. The fresh fish, sweet clams, tender octopus. I tell him about Annie because he asks. I share my frustrations about it all and I can see that it makes him sad for me and for Annie. He listens intently, never interrupting me. He nods his head imperceptibly every few minutes. And I know it is because he is trying very hard to focus on my words and stay in the moment, in this conversation even as his hijacked brain is fighting the intrusion of horrible images and thoughts implanted by the capitol. And I can't help but reach out to gently touch his hand that is resting lightly on his bed today because I want him to see that I am grateful that he does care about me and Annie even as he goes through the hell that has become his life. He can still allow himself to feel compassion. I sensed more than felt him tense when I touched him, but he did not pull away. He allowed me to rest my hand over his. I left it there awhile because his was cold and I wanted to warm him, even that little bit. And he looked up at me and I thought he almost smiled.

Note: This story will contain multiple chapters. Reviews encouraged and will prompt the story along ; ). My first fan fiction, so bear with me.