A/N: Season 4 was a disappointment and I felt little inspiration for a longer story arc. I did however, wonder how it might have looked if Bo entered Tamsin's memory instead of Dyson's. This will be a short one, from Bo's POV.
"I'm not sure this is a good idea." I'm sitting in a booth at the Dal, listening to Trick and Lauren describe a fae ritual that would allow me to enter Tamsin's mind to search through her memory.
"It's an innocuous process, Bo," Lauren insists, "It won't harm her in any way, it will just give you access to the memories she has of you from her past life."
"She'll probably be back soon anyway-"
"Bo," my grandfather pleads, "it's probably not a coincidence that she left town the day you got that in the mail." He gestures to the jar of smoke sitting untouched at the foot of the bar. "We all hope that Tamsin had nothing to do with it but we need to be sure."
"Tamsin is like one of the family now: I know she'd never do anything to hurt me." They exchange a look that tells me that neither believes me but both know better than to say it.
"She's been like one of the family since her rebirth and that's because she's had no memory of her past life or her past motivations," Lauren says hesitantly. "What if the old Tamsin returned, the one with sinister intentions? What if that's why she left all of a sudden?"
"No," I shake my head emphatically. I remember the way she looked at me before we parted ways at Taft's. You're not like anyone I've ever met, in any of my many lifetimes. "I just… I know she wouldn't hurt me."
"If that really is the case Bo," Lauren counters, "this will simply allow you to confirm your intuition."
I sigh and nod, eager just to get it over with so they'll be satisfied.
Once I discover that Cassie the mall girl oracle is involved, it takes another hour for Lauren to convince me to go ahead with the ritual. I'm leery of her flakiness but Lauren is right – despite her personality, she is reliable when it comes to this sort of thing. We decide to perform it in Kenzi's room, on the bed where the Valkyrie has laid her head each night since her return. Lauren starts by carefully placing electrodes on my temples, neck and chest, then moves on to do the same to Cassie. "I will be your anchor in Tamsin's mind," Cassie explains, her voice a bit too chipper for my liking.
Lauren attaches a red string to her ankle and another to mine. "Cassie will channel and locate Tamsin, and then this string of fate will keep you connected. If anything goes wrong she will appear to signal that it's time to leave. You will experience each memory from Tamsin's point of view and see yourself from her perspective. At first it will feel awkward but if you keep calm you will quickly adjust. Cassie will guide you through the memories that pertain to you, and you can keep an eye out for any clues about what she might have been up to…"
The sound of Lauren's voice fades out of range and I feel as if I am falling, as if I'm about to drift off to sleep. Then suddenly I'm sitting at a wooden table in a stone hut somewhere, wearing what looks to be some kind of ancient Valkyrie armour. I'm her, I'm Tamsin. Even with Lauren's warning it didn't occur to me how surreal it would feel to actually be in her body. I can't hear her thoughts but I can feel her emotions. I can feel her vitality. The strangest part is the total absence of hunger. It's the first time since my childhood that I've been free of my needs as a succubus. Her body pulses with a sense of tremendous physical power, accompanied evidently by a cocky attitude. She feels invincible. Typical Tamsin.
A handsome bearded man sits across from her, holding out a bag of gems. "A woman with eyes both brown and blue, virtuous yet lustful, neither dark nor light, yet both," he explains. Eyes both brown and blue, I've heard that before...
She rolls her eyes as she draws the pouch of treasure toward her. "A deal is struck," she concludes.
With a creepy look of satisfaction, the man gets up to leave, and an older, red haired woman comes in, frowning in concern.
"Gods, Tamsin, you know better than to make a deal with the Wanderer. You can be so impulsive sometimes..."
"Relax, Acacia. Did you hear him describe the bounty? No such woman exists. We've traveled the world for millennia without encountering a single soul who would fit that bill." She smirks as she lifts the mug of mead to her lips. So this was how her hunt for me began.
Now suddenly I'm sitting... in her truck, reviewing a case file with my own picture in it. This must be the day we met? I look in the mirror and there is Tamsin, staring back at me with those sharp green eyes. Something feels different than it did in the stone hut. Her body feels more tired than before. Maybe because she's at the end of her life cycle?
She adjusts her bra and I can't help but enjoy the feel of her breast under my fingers. I know this is too intimate, that I shouldn't be here, doing this. I remind myself that Trick and Lauren have my best interests in mind, and that it's better that I be the one to enter Tamsin's head than Lauren, or Dyson.
Staring at her face I'm reminded of how much I've missed the old Tamsin, the way she was before she died and returned. I miss her self-assurance and even her attitude problem. I miss the way she used to look at me, even if I never could fully decipher what emotion was hidden in her eyes. She is getting out of her truck now, case file in hand, sauntering toward the station. I look over and there are Dyson and I, heading toward our meeting about Atticus. She feels a bit too confident as she prepares to accuse me of putting that dark fae in a coma.
I float through a series of early encounters between us. Tamsin is cold and stiff through most of them, though over time she seems to develop a grudging respect for Dyson and for me, at least on a professional level. She spends a lot of time studying the case file and I'm left wishing I could read her thoughts.
Things begin to change the day that Inari, posing as Kenzi, has me locked up in the Dal. Tamsin feels a rush of proud validation when she gets to escort me to the cell in the back, and then smiles gleefully as she takes in the sight of me finally sitting behind bars. She bitches about Trick's decision to declare sanctuary, and then, on her way out, she has an unexpected moment of self doubt, self doubt which annoys her to no end. She sits down at the bar next to Inari, who is transfixed by a pair of silver earrings. Tamsin in turn is suspicious as she observes the girl fiddling around with them while evasively answering her questions. Realizing that her earlier triumph was actually hollow, she feels almost disappointed as she glances one last time at me before leaving the Dal. "A fucking kitsune in human clothing," she mutters to herself.
I have a hard time following her next conversation, with Evony in a limo somewhere. The Morrigan is unsurprisingly eager to see me "strung up and executed" and reminds Tamsin that she is loyal to the Dark. From what I gather, the Valkyrie might not be fond of 'the happy sunshine gang' but she is brimming with contempt for Evony. Then the brunette asks Tamsin to wake up a comatose fae, the one I allegedly assaulted outside the Dal. Apparently this will put him in a coma, and the Valkyrie is reluctant to follow orders.
Soon enough we're hiking through the trees, looking for Kenzi. Tamsin's eyeing me suspiciously. The kitsunes had a point; I really do look pasty. She is irritated at my slow pace, sighing impatiently.
"Jesus, you sound like you smoke 8 packs a day, take a knee soldier."
"No, I have to keep going," I wheeze, before falling to the ground.
She feels deeply uncomfortable listening to me explain the depth of my friendship with Kenzi. Sympathy for me obviously conflicts with her assignment from the Morrigan. But even though she's looking away, I can feel that this is the moment she realized I'm more than a monster, that I have a decent soul.
"When was the last time you fed?"
"I don't know, I can't remember."
She is confused at the state that I'm in, no doubt because she doesn't yet understand how a succubus would go without feeding for the sake of a monogamous relationship -with a human, of all people.
"You need a snack, so you can feed off of me."
"I kinda hate you."
"I don't exactly love it either but I need you cranked to 11, okay? Inari is a ballsy bitch and shit will definitely get real so feed off of me."
"You tell anyone about this and I will kill you."
"Yeah, yeah."She rolls her eyes as she leans in, vaguely irritated. It's so weird to kiss me, but I'll admit I'm pleased to discover how good it feels. I'm so starved that I draw her chi out far too quickly, at least for a Valkyrie at the end of her life cycle. Damn, I gave her quite the shock.
"I said feed off me not suck me dry!"
"Wow, that was amazing. I've never tasted chi like that. It was incredible... but different." I can sense a warm blush wash over her face as her gaze flits away from mine.
"It's not the first time someone said that about me," she boasts. She feels... flattered. Flattered and alarmed by just how much my compliment means to her. But she wants to get away from that feeling, so she clears her throat and we press on through the forest. She runs a hand through her hair and several blonde strands come loose; she nervously brushes them onto the ground.
When I go in the cave to find Kenzi she is left to take on the underfae by the entrance, but she's so tired her body feels leaden -no doubt because I took so much of her chi. It's frustrating for her, struggling with her shell of a body. She feels a sense of relief when I emerge and break the underfae goon's neck, and then a disconcerting warmth as she watches the intimacy between Kenzi, Dyson and I.
...
Tamsin walks through a hospital corridor and arrives at the room of a man in a coma. Shit; this is the guy she said I assaulted. She feels a deep ambivalence about her next move and somehow concentrates her mind to wake the man up. There's a buzzing feeling and her head hurts a little. He looks pained and confused.
"Where am I?"
"You were attacked, outside the Dal. Is this the woman who attacked you?" She holds up a picture -my picture.
"Make it stop."
"Is this the woman who attacked you?" she repeats coldly. Tamsin's trying to put distance between herself and the man. She feels a deep sense of dread rising within her.
"Yes. Yes, that's her. Make it stop..." She closes her eyes in concentration and the man flatlines. So it was me. She was right. The Morrigan was right too. Why didn't anything come of this?
Tamsin sighs and exits the room to find Evony waiting for her. Doctors rush in to save him but I can hear them calling time of death.
"Well, did he identify Bo?"
"No," she lies.
Looking Tamsin up and down, the Morrigan appears surprised, yet curious. "Think about this, Valkyrie. Are you sure you want to play it this way?"
The Valkyrie nods defiantly. I'm not sure how to interpret what I've just seen.
We're at the Gatekeeper's table outside Brazenwood, the woman is hopelessly trying to shush her barking dogs. Tamsin feels... strangely protective. She's poised behind me like my own guard dog, her muscles tensed, ready for attack. I pull the Wanderer card and the Gatekeeper gasps. When Tamsin sees the card it's as if her heart stops. She feels dizzy for a moment before composing herself, then sweeps the cards off the table. It's surprising how much panic she conceals under her cool expression, as hundreds of years of arrogance come crashing down with the realization that I'm her bounty. By the time we reach the gate her mind is made up; she has bitched all day about how annoyed she is to have been dragged along on this errand but she refuses to leave my side.
...
Looking at Whitman splitting in two, guns drawn, Tamsin is filled with terror. But when she moves to intervene and the pharmacist holds her back, it's like she finally realizes I have to do this myself. Still, she can't bear to look and her heart is thumping so loudly it's all she can hear. She only turns back around when she hears Whitman groan as my knife pierces his chest. At the time I was so focused on him that I hadn't even noticed she'd turned away. Seeing me smile, she is overwhelmed by relief, and comes rushing to give me that kiss I never knew what to make of. Again it is utterly bizarre to be kissing myself in her body. Tamsin can't even believe what she's doing but when I finally reciprocate she practically swoons. Finally, she pulls back in shock and as we're led away by the squonk I can feel her heart racing again, this time for a very different reason.
As we drive back to the Dal with the squonk sitting between us I feel something slowly building inside her: desire. She is overwhelmed by my smell; the sound of my voice gives her goosebumps, and yes, she absolutely hates the effect I'm having on her. At this point I have to admit that she was having an effect on me too. For her though, was this real or just part of the Dawning invitation?
...
Back at Lauren's apartment she offers a weak excuse for why she came along to Brazenwood and works to recapture the distance between us between gulps of champagne. When she reaches the alley outside, a Wanderer tarot card drifts down onto the pavement. "No," she begs, as another card lands next to it, "please tell me she's not the one." She shakes her head in disbelief as one by one, more cards fall from the sky until it is practically raining tarot cards.
She's sitting on the back of her truck with the red haired woman from way back in the stone hut, recalling past battles over a case of beer. It's in moments like these when I realize just how much she has seen in her lifetimes. When Tamsin turns to go, Acacia finally confronts her. "How long are we going to pretend that you're not in serious trouble here?"
The blonde shrugs. "I'll figure it out."
"Really? How? Please regale me with your brilliant plan."
"I don't know. I'll find someone else he wants more and I'll make a trade."
"Name one person he wants more than this girl."
But Tamsin can't name one.
"You should have known this day would come. What did I tell you about making a deal with the Wanderer?"
She furrows her brow. "As much as I love hearing that you told me so it doesn't exactly help me here."
"You're right, I'm sorry… The only way I can help is to remind you that you're going to have to fulfill your end of the deal."
Tamsin sighs, finally letting her guard down. "I can't… I just can't."
"Yes, you can. You know what he's capable of if you don't. Are you really going to risk his wrath to protect some random succubus?"
Tamsin bristles at Acacia's words. "Her name is Bo," she announces defensively, "and she's more than just a succubus."
They are silent for a moment as Acacia takes a long look at Tamsin, gears turning in her head.
"That she may be, but in this game, love will get you killed."
"I don't love her," Tamsin quickly spits back in a disgusted tone. Yeah, that's a bit of a strong word for someone like her. She respects and even likes me, but love?
A look of pity settles into the elder woman's eyes. "Face it Tams, she got to you."
"No, she didn't," Tamsin snaps back, "even if I wanted to take her, she's been through the Dawning, she's too strong."
"He thought of that," Acacia informs her, pulling out a round little jar with a cork top. "This is a rune glass. Insert one hair from someone she loves, two from someone she trusts and three from her own head. It'll put the whammy on her and you can bring her in." She reaches over and places the glass into Tamsin's palm before closing the younger Valkyrie's fingers around it.
"I'm sorry you had to learn this lesson the hard way," Acacia offers as she walks away, "but I trust you'll buck up and make the right decision."
...
Tamsin's in Dyson's apartment, rifling through his drawers. I guess she had a pretty easy time making up her mind. She has just pulled a few hairs from the wolf's comb when she happens on a picture of me and feels pangs of affection. Sighing, she shuts the drawer and leaves the rune jar in the garbage. I am confused. If she had it at Taft's, does that mean she went back to Dyson's to rifle through his trash?
There's a box on Tamsin's desk at the precinct, no return address. She opens it and gags at the sight of Acacia's severed hand with its signature henna patterns. I can feel the bile rising in her throat as she recognizes the rune jar. She makes her way to the bathroom to throw up and then slides to the floor, holding her head in her hands and cursing.
...
She's drunk, in her truck, hours later, rolling the rune jar around in her palm as she swigs vodka straight from the bottle. Her glove compartment sits open, full of empty flasks. My picture stares back at her from the dash board. She feels fear, and a heavy grief. And confusion: she probably can't tell if the older woman is alive or dead. Out of nowhere she breaks into sobs, her eyes darting between my photograph and the box with Acacia's hand in it. I suddenly feel guilty again for being here, observing such a private moment. I am contemplating aborting the ritual, but before I can reach down and pull on the red string, Tamsin starts talking to herself and I freeze, unprepared for what I hear next.
"How could you be so weak?" she curses at the mirror. "Falling in love with a succubus like some goddamned cliche. Acacia was right; she got to you." Her last words come out in a kind of mortified growl.
And there it is. I'm in shock at the sound of her words; I'd felt her feelings growing but she's been so good at suppressing and masking them, even from herself, that I hadn't thought it possible. Or maybe I just didn't want to.
"What the fuck are you going to do?" she asks herself. She lays down on the seat and sobs for a while longer before falling asleep.
"You shouldn't be."
"Be what?"
"Be real. Be here." Adoration, fear, guilt, sorrow - there's so much emotion storming around inside her she might very well explode. I was too focused on Lauren that day to understand what Tamsin was revealing when she got into the bath with me. Studying my own expression, I'm reminded that for a moment I was tempted to kiss her, until she pulled away and left the tub. She was clearly oblivious to my impulse, unable to see anything but the dilemma in front of her.
"Watch out!" Tamsin spots the human guard and before he can blink she steps in front of me. It's instinctive, even involuntary. Pain radiates from the bullet wound but she is too busy casting doubt on him to really register it. "This is the last time I do anything nice for you," she lies. Once again her actions express the opposite of her words. Why did it take me so long to recognize this pattern?
She's standing in the hallway at Taft's, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, mumbling to herself. "He will kill you and raise you from the dead, just so he can kill you again." She tells me it's time to go, but the fight's not in her. Her body is weaker than ever but when her blade is against my throat and I tell her to fight, I feel a spark inside her. We stand and I see myself studying her, trying to figure out what's just happened.
And then she says it: "You're not like anyone I've ever met, in any of my many lifetimes."
I step forward. This time it went beyond temptation; this time, I definitely intended to kiss Tamsin. She recognizes this but she clearly can't handle it so she bolts.
Seeing the Wanderer in the road, Tamsin is desperately angry and afraid. Her foot hits the gas; Dyson is yelling as the truck speeds toward the shadowy figure. The figure turns around and it's … Cassie?
Time to go; I reach down and tear the string off my ankle. Everything goes black for a moment. Something isn't right. I hear the commotion before I can register what it is.
I'm back home. I open my eyes and see Tamsin tearing through the room, her giant wings knocking pictures off the wall. A lamp crashes to the floor. No one realizes I'm back.
"I SAID GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD. I WANT HER OUT THIS FUCKING INSTANT."
"I already told you I can't interrupt it, it could harm her if I pull her out-"
"What the fuck were you doing going in there in the first place?"
"We were just trying to get some answers," Lauren explains, "Bo got a jar of black smoke in the mail shortly after you left. We didn't think it was a coincidence. She had to know more about your connection to the Wanderer."
"What, you think I sent that jar to her?" the Valkyrie snarls. Lauren doesn't respond.
Kenzi is here, pleading with her."Tamsin, you need to calm down." She puts a hand on the Valkyrie's back but the blonde jerks away.
Then she turns to Lauren, "What the hell were you guys doing?"
Cassie sits up: "That was SO not what I was expecting, but then again you are a succubus... I'll leave you crazy kids to deal with this on your own." She makes her way for the door.
Ignoring Kenzi, the blonde marches up to me as I sit up to face her. "BITCH, YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO INVADE MY MIND."
"I'm sorry, Tamsin, I didn't know. I didn't mean to-"
"You didn't mean to what, creep through my past, through private moments for your own amusement? You had no reason to suspect me of meaning you harm. I surrendered at Taft's, I fucking gave up my life so I could get out of that contract on you. That was my last childhood, Bo, would it have killed you to give me a few more months of innocence?"
Fuck. It hadn't even occurred to us that going into her memory would have this effect. Angry tears shine in her eyes as she continues, "Imagine my surprise when I woke hours ago, recovering all my memories in one fell swoop and knowing that you were in there, inside of my head, learning shit you had no business knowing. I can't fucking believe you. Sorry Kenz but I'm out of here." She turns and storms out of the room, I trail close behind.
"Tamsin, wait!" I beg, "I'm sorry... I-"
"Fuck you, succubus," she shouts as she passes through the front door. I follow her outside but she takes to the sky before I get the chance to reason with her.
Kenzi emerges from the house just in time to watch her fly away. Her tone is accusatory as she unleashes her questions. "What the hell just happened? Why would you guys do this without asking me? What did you do to Tamsin? She's just a baby!"
But evidently the Valkyrie is a baby no longer, and I am the one responsible.