Tanabata

by shr1k3

One year after the Game, the Tanabata festival rolls around. Neku's still trapped in the past. Joshua/Neku. Character death and lemon.

七夕

Neku had spent the day as most people might. Writing wishes on paper, gallivanting about with friends. Unlike most people who'd go down to the river to light off fireworks, they went to the Miyashita Park underpass. The laughter had echoed back on them, and people driving by had stared, baffled, but they didn't care. They wanted to bring the celebration close to the UG. And it was the best way they could think of. It had been oddly reminiscent, and had stirred the numbness sitting in Neku's heart rather unpleasantly.

The eternal fifth wheel, he left the other four a little earlier than originally planned. Shiki and Eri pouted, Beat complained loudly, but Rhyme- who'd undergone a growth spurt in the past year simply gazed at Neku at eyelevel- knowingly; as though she understood. He was grateful for that. It seemed to him that Rhyme knew and understood things differently than the others. Sometimes it was like she was staring at him but not at him, her eyes flicking from the empty space next to him and back over and over. She'd never spoken of it to him, but Neku noticed. Neku guessed at what she might be seeing every now and then.

His parents were out with their friends, drinking and laughing; enjoying the age old festival. He was glad to have this much independence. They trusted him now, since he'd changed and become so much more subdued and obedient in the past year. It wasn't even out of effort really; just out of apathy.

He had his hands in his pockets when he came into the house and dropped his bag. At midnight tonight, he hoped that the clouds would clear so that the stars could meet. So those two ancient lovers could have what he couldn't: A night with the one who consumed their thoughts.

There was no real countdown, only Neku staring at the red numbers of his digital alarm clock in the darkness of the room, and the lights of a hundred fireworks occasionally lighting his face and shoulders. He'd left his headphones behind this time; always did when he went out with his friends now. He only glanced at them, his worn player pin held between his fingers. He brushed his thumb over it. Willed it to let him tune into the Vibe of the UG like he had so many times. But it was like someone had placed a brick wall between himself and that other plane. There was no passing it. He swallowed around the lump building in his throat. It had been a while since he'd cried. A while since he'd let it all out.

The loneliness he knew now was different from the loneliness he'd known then, and it made his heart ache. He looked up when the clock turned to midnight, his gaze slowly wandering to the rest of the room for reasons unknown to him. He was sure there was somebody there, standing in the shadows. Somebody in the darkness. Neku squinted. He couldn't make it out. The Proxy simply froze in place and stared, eyes wide.

The festival had not, by any means, left the Composer with a day off. Death took no holidays, and Joshua had to maintain a steady grip on his beloved city, whether there was a celebration to be held or not. He knew better than most, for too many reasons, that the balance of life and death needed to be held strong, even...no, especially...on days like these.

Still, Joshua had finished his duties as early as possible, and the Game was finished for the day. Tomorrow would mean a new flood of reports, potential Players and mistakes made by Reapers, that he could no longer thrust onto a Conductor. Even a year later, Megumi Kitaniji had not been replaced. Despite his Producer's words of warning, Joshua simply couldn't bring himself to appoint a new Conductor. Not yet.

His wounds had yet to heal, and a year later, he was wondering if they ever would. He doubted it. If that were the case, he wouldn't have been following a sixteen-year-old around during a nighttime festival in the middle of August. Warm. Light. Comfortable. ...And yet, he felt cold.

He stared at the clock as it struck midnight and wondered if the sky was cloudy, though he couldn't bring himself to look towards the window. His gaze flicked from the clock and immediately focused on Neku again, watching. The Composer was silent and solemn and eternally not-really-there, but this time, it looked like Neku was looking at him. At him. Not through him.

And Joshua allowed himself a small, sad smile at the thought.

Neku was still staring. A flash of golden light from the fireworks illuminated the figure. It was tall, graceful, beautiful. And somehow, heartbreakingly familiar. What was it? A ghost? It seemed to be faintly illuminated. Neku shivered, and his voice was small when it passed his lips.

"H-hello?" What? He should have been afraid, should have bolted for the door. But the person watching him was... sad. Smiling but still so sad. Like he was.

Neku just watched, relaxing a tiny bit as he tried to get a better look at this... strange anomaly.

...Neku could see him. Wow. That was...unexpected. Joshua's eyes widened slightly, and then he realized why Neku simply whispered a soft greeting. He didn't recognize Joshua, and how could he? The Composer never lowered himself to this plane, for risk of removing himself from the UG. That was a bad idea, especially now, when there was no Conductor. Joshua had been watching Neku ever since the end of the Game, but this was the first time Neku had ever seen him.

Slowly, he let the light that shrouded him fade, let himself fall into the form that was his own on this plane. Neku recognized Joshua as the fifteen-year-old boy who died in 1916, though, of course, Neku could not know that detail. Violet eyes remained wide and watchful, and once Joshua's form had manifested itself, two hushed words left his lips.

"Hi, Neku."

The figure began to shift, and that did scare him. He had finally snapped. Lost it entirely. He reached his hands up to his eyes, rubbed them, and by the time he lowered them again...

He just stared. The lump in his throat made it impossible to speak clearly. He sucked in a deep breath.

"Josh...?" Couldn't be. This was impossible. Neku shook his head, a bit of realization dawning. "Josh...!"

He sat up fully now, the player pin still in his hand.

Joshua smirked, tilting his head at the oh-so-confused teenager that was staring at him.

"Do you really like that name so much, Neku? You're saying it an awful lot lately."

Don't stop?

Joshua sighed dramatically, just watching Neku.

And oh fuck, it was spilling over. The lump in his throat became searing pain and despite the fact that he never wanted to blink again, his eyes screwed shut involuntarily. God damn it. He was crying, but it wasn't from sadness. It was the fact that Joshua was here. Or some specter of him. He didn't care.

"How... would you know?" He asked, wiping at tears with the back of his hands. It was a brief glimpse of his usual sarcasm. Neku was indecisive. His mind couldn't wrap around it.

"Joshua...Where have you been?" He didn't understand. "I...Waited for you."

Was this allowed? He wasn't technically passing into the RG...Neku just happened to see a temporary lapse in the UG, right? Joshua could feel the pulse of the Underground around him even now. Did the two planes connect somehow? This wasn't against the rules, and it wasn't like Joshua was nursing any horrible schemes. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Right. Of course.

...But could he still talk to Neku? Was it okay?

"...I've been here."

"Why can't I Tune In?" He asked. God knows he tried. Sometimes two, three times a day. His player pin was starting to look worn, the front of it almost milky in appearance from the myriad of scratches covering it.

"I've been looking for a way back in ever since, damn it." What did he mean? Neku took a deep breath, shook his head. Trying to clear the fog of raw emotion.

"Because you're alive."

Joshua couldn't do anything more than watch Neku, really. He was afraid to touch him, but also refused to leave. He didn't know what was causing this bizarre occurrence, but he knew it was rare and that he'd be stupid to pass up the opportunity to stay on the same grounds as Neku for even a few seconds.

"You... I... You mean you've been watching me?" Oh fuck. That was like a spike through his heart. It made everything ache for a split, blinding moment.

"I'm so sorry..." Neku breathed.

The apology caught him off-guard.

"Why?"

"I tried." It didn't matter if he didn't mention that he was still trying. Stuck and mired in the past. His head was in the Game constantly. He knew Rhyme saw it, knew she was way more gifted than the rest of them. But she wouldn't say anything. He didn't blame her.

"Why? Why did you... Why can't I see you?!" The answer was obvious, but he wanted to hear it from Joshua's mouth. Wanted to know for certain. And...why? Why could he see him now? Why could he sense him?

How were they on the same plane? Neku didn't care. He didn't want to take this for granted. Wet sapphire eyes came up, looking pleadingly at Joshua. His expression was unreadable, as though he'd reached an unpleasant realization.

"Look." He turned, eyes drifting past another explosion of multicolored sparks. They finally refocused on the night sky. It was clear from clouds, though the city lights made it impossible to see the stars themselves.

Joshua didn't look. He just watched the reflections in Neku's eyes. The fireworks. The city's lights. He didn't speak, nor did he answer Neku's question. Not again, anyway. The answer hadn't changed. Neku was alive, and Joshua existed solely in the UG now. Yoshiya Kiryu had not existed in the RG for nearly a century.

When Neku's miserable gaze grew to be too much to bear, Joshua finally tore his eyes away to watch the festival. It was rare, so rare, for a night in August to be free of clouds. For that to happen on this night in particular was a miraculous thing, and Joshua's lips twisted into a wry smile at the thought of it.

"I guess... They got to meet, huh?" Not that I believe that crap, he probably would have said on a normal day. But right now? He wanted to believe it. Wanted to believe it with his whole damned soul.

"It was about... Midnight when I saw you. Is that...What you really look like?" Neku mused quietly. And he needed to keep talking; needed to, or else Joshua might slip away like smoke through his fingers. And he reached out as though to test this theory, his outstretched arm just capable of stretching far enough to let his fingertips close in the thin fabric of the Composer's shirt.

This simple thing; so small and insignificant was enough to make tears well up in Neku's eyes again. He nearly wept with joy- this in and of itself being something that he had never once experienced in his entire life.

Joshua flinched from the touch at first, but apologetically leaned into it a moment later, not wanting Neku to think it was unwanted. He was unused to human contact. Over the decades he'd all but forgotten what it was like to be touched gently, for it not to hurt. That, unfortunately, was what Noise did. They hurt. They existed to cause pain and misery, and that's all there was to it. And Reapers?

Well. Any Reaper that attacked the Composer was, with the exception of Minamimoto, dealt with accordingly.

"In the UG. Yes," Joshua answered with a soft huff, averting his gaze darkly. "This is my true form here. Weak, isn't it?" A soft giggle, devoid of the humor he usually held in every sound.

"It's beautiful." He started, and then shook his head like he didn't know what he was saying.

Neku had always told himself that he'd give Joshua a good sock in the face if he ever saw him again. Always told himself that he'd get one good hit in at least, to let him know that he...That thought made him pause. When had the anger and the bitterness gone away? Drained away like water in the Rubicon...? He hadn't even thought about it on his own; he'd been too busy staying as numb as possible to avoid any unnecessary messes. It came as such a shock that it slipped from his lips.

"I forgive you." He paused, letting his fingers slip away. He slipped to the very edge of his bed, and dared to bury his face in the Composer's chest as though doing so could block out everything that was so wrong and so unfair.

"Joshua...I forgive you."

"You shouldn't," Joshua said cautiously, hesitantly bringing a pale hand up to twine slender fingers into copper hair. "You really shouldn't."

Joshua wanted forgiveness, but it wasn't something he deserved. He'd watched Neku, ever since that first week of freedom, the start of Neku's renewed life, and while the redhead had seemed to be happier with his new life than he'd ever been with his existence before the Game...something was wrong. Even amongst his friends, Neku was the eternal fifth wheel. He was the only one who ever looked around, hopefully, for a glimpse of what was there and yet, what wasn't. Shiki and Eri were best friends, and Beat was adorably devoted to his little sister. The girl, Rhyme...sometimes Joshua froze when her gaze was cast his way, as though she could see him extending shaking fingertips to grasp Neku's shoulder, as though she saw him glaring at people who made Neku unhappy or smiling when Neku laughed.

Neku wasn't the only one who couldn't let go. Joshua had spent the last year wondering about the miscalculations in his perfect Game, and wondering if they'd be the end of him.

He wished the end would come swiftly, but...it never did. And Neku lived on, unaware of the ghost that lingered.

But Neku wished for the end too. Way more than was healthy probably. Sometimes, when he was walking home from school, he'd absently wander out into the street when he knew that it wasn't safe -only before shaking himself and jumping back to the sidewalk. Shiki or Beat had yanked him back from one of these unfortunate mishaps more than once. Neku was sure that if Joshua knew about that, he wouldn't be happy. Hell. He probably did know.

"I know. I didn't realize I had until this moment." It sounded cheesy, and again he didn't give a shit. Neku encircled the thin waist that he buried himself in with his arms and held on tightly.

"I don't get it. Why now? Why can I see you? Why can I touch you? I fucking missed you, you bastard...!"

That made Joshua tense. He didn't know the answers to those questions, and that unnerved him. He sighed, his tone implying that he was nursing his oh-so-wounded pride.

"Nnnno idea. So shut up and enjoy the moment."

He'd have to ask Sanae tomorrow exactly what was happening, and he was almost certain Neku would do it too. Joshua honestly feared reprimand for this; it wasn't his fault, but the Angels were nothing if not overly-cautious. If Erasure resulted from this...

He shook the thought off mentally, unaware that his body had trembled, too.

Had Joshua trembled? Neku made a soft sound and lifted his head, just looking up at his long-lost friend for a few long moments. He swept over the pale eyes and hair and even paler skin. The Proxy moved, straightened up to try to avoid soaking wet spots on Joshua's shirt.

"Yeah. I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately." He admitted, and was honestly ashamed at it.

"I can't." He tilted his head back again. "But right now? I want to. For the first time in a long while."

Neku slid his hands away from the small of Joshua's back, but touched his forearm, touched the back of his hand before dropping his own into his lap.

"Huh... I never really touched you back then. I should have. Touch makes it harder for the memories to fade." That had proven true with him in so many situations. Valuable memories that involved all five senses.

"Memories that your body remembers even if your mind loses them."

Joshua's smirk twisted into a sad smile before he let it fade completely. Neku didn't need to see that expression on his face. He was the Composer, after all, and just the fact that he had the emotions to hide made him somewhat uneasy.

"They're called "scars," Neku-kun."

Scars. Joshua didn't have any physical ones. Mental, yes, but not physical. He was scarred by the people whose grief he felt when their loved ones died. He was scarred by the pain of those attacked, raped, murdered on bad nights. He was scarred by the pain he pretended he didn't feel when a mother or wife or brother dropped to their knees and screamed to the Heavens, cursed the cruelty of the god who was just doing his job and didn't want to feel all that at once.

Joshua ran his tongue over dry lips, never once letting any of these terrible thoughts enter his expression. He'd learned to be cold and unbiased, but deep down, he was still that sickly human child who died too young during what should have been a celebration. Like tonight.

"Scars..." And Neku was sick at the fact that he wanted some. More. Scars to make him remember you, and how pretty the fireworks and the light of Shibuya reflected in your eyes are right now. And he was sick of himself, and sick of everything.

Everything but you, Joshua.

The Proxy simply reached out, lifting himself a bit as he cupped the Composer's face in his hands.

"I want more, then. If that's what they are." He was scaring himself. He didn't understand anything anymore, only that he needed to memorize Joshua. Needed a way to keep him even if he couldn't. The madness was terrifying.

Joshua pulled away, shaking his head.

"I-- You can't, Neku-kun. Your old scars haven't healed, and they won't if you keep aggravating them like this. You're going to get hurt. I don't..."

He trailed off, slowly raising his arms to wrap them around himself in what was probably a comforting gesture for him.

"...I don't want to watch you suffer anymore."

"I'm sorry. If I'd have known, or just stopped to think... I wouldn't have made you watch me like this." He shook his head. "I'm being so selfish. But now I know...I'll know that you're right beside me."

He brushed his thumbs over the Composer's high cheekbones, wishing that he wouldn't be so damned rigid, that he'd lean into this. That he'd take his own advice.

"Enjoy the moment." Neku tried to hide the hurt and the pain, but it was so hard. He hated that his hands were trembling. Hated it.

"Joshua, please..."

It wasn't Joshua's fault he was here. It wasn't his fault, and he had already done his work, and Neku wouldn't have known he was here unless something had gone badly wrong. Which it did. Joshua couldn't be blamed for this. He couldn't.

Right?

Joshua fought himself internally, aching with a desperate need to flinch away from this unfamiliar touch that he'd been yearning for for longer than he'd like to admit. He managed to lean forward slightly, closing his eyes.

"What do you want me to do, Neku-kun?" he asked. His tone was exasperated, but beneath that, he was lost.

"I...Who knows how long we've got? I... Just be with me. Don't make me let go. Don't leave until you have to." Neku breathed. And the legend of this night ate at the back of his mind.

"Until morning..." And he was pressing kisses to the pale face in his hands. They were awkward and unsure; Neku quite frankly had no idea what he was doing. But he wanted to give them none the less, wanted to find a way to express a year's worth of emotion in the short hours he was sure they'd have.

"Joshua... If you can believe it, I'm happy. Happy you were watching me."

It ate at Joshua's too, but as far as he knew, it was only a story. The myths and legends that were too real in his own waking world distracted him, and the Composer's gaze flicked towards the window as he attempted to find something that might get him in trouble. Normally, he wouldn't give a damn what the Angels thought...but if Neku would be at risk, then that wouldn't do.

When Neku began to press soft kisses to his face, he jerked away, aching. Burning. Wanting, and wanting to stop wanting.

"I'll keep watching over you, Neku. Don't think I'm going to stop just because of this."

He actually pouted and crossed his arms. Neku's touch still lingered, and he felt his eyes burning with his desire for more. This wasn't supposed to happen... He wasn't supposed to have gotten this attached...

"I know you will." His voice was sad.

What did he have to say? They were both damned anyway; damning each other in an eternal cycle of their own personal little hell. For the love of everything holy, wasn't that bad enough punishment?

His hands hovered in midair, unsure, wondering if Joshua didn't want this... And Neku made a soft noise in the back of his throat, a dangerous one.

If that was the case, he'd take his one memory and be done with it.

And so Neku half stood, leaning forward. He grabbed Joshua's shirt collar and crushed their lips together with a year's worth of pent up anguish and love and hate and desire.

And Joshua froze, incapable, in that moment, to fight or whine or plead or just for mercy's sake kill the boy that was torturing him in ways even Minamimoto could never dream up. Pain, so much pain, welled up inside Joshua, and when the pull on his shirt became too much he dropped to his knees and onto the bed, successfully breaking the kiss at the same time.

He tilted his head to the side, violet eyes wary, and just stared at the boy who was once his partner. Joshua was trembling, not wanting this and wanting it too much for words. Gods, he wanted it, but the thought of them both getting Erased was too much.

Maybe Neku could be compromised with. Maybe Joshua could sit by his side and watch him as he fell asleep and nudge him if those terrible nightmares caught the teenager in their cruel grips again.

There was no self-pity or fear in Joshua's eyes as he gazed up at Neku, no remorse, no regret. He'd known the rules when he took his job. He'd been unbiased and ruthless, and done his job well, for the better part of a century. The Game with Kitaniji? The only serious flaw on his records, though to anyone looking in, it would have seemed like a suicide attempt gone badly wrong.

A lot of things had gone badly wrong, and yet Joshua still couldn't do anything but stare at Neku with lips half-parted and panting and waiting for the copper-haired one to just get it all over with so Joshua could go home and shatter something.

The Proxy nodded to himself as though affirming something. He felt heavier than ever, but glad he had done it. Glassy sapphire eyes only stole a glance at Joshua, refusing to look at him.

"Sorry. I...Needed to. I know you probably didn't...Well, yeah. I just..." It made no sense, but Neku still felt like he was speaking his case.

Instead, the Proxy lowered his face, resting it in his hands miserably and remembering the feeling of Joshua: So real, very much alive, and there was no amount of washing or bleach that would ever get that memory out of him now. Neku trembled.

He wanted...wanted. He didn't even know what, but had to resist the urge to throw himself against Joshua just to know he was there.

"...Fuck" He breathed. "I am... Just... So fucked up."

Okay, this was getting out of hand. Joshua simply couldn't allow for this any longer. They both knew Joshua didn't have the strength to leave, not after being alone and invisible for so long. Even now, Wildkat was the only place he could go to so much as lower his mask. He hadn't cried, hadn't screamed in pain, for decades. He wanted to.

Still, as he stood up and moved closer to Neku and stared at that miserable, hidden face, he felt as stifled and choked as he had the night he died. Endless fog, black smoke, rising flames, all with a smoldering, smothering blanket of heat that suffocated him before the flames themselves began to kill him. He wondered if the fires of Hell would intimidate him quite so much after this life.

Maybe there was no Heaven or Hell. Maybe he was to be Erased, or continue living a non-life as the Composer.

More to drown out these thoughts than anything, Joshua gripped Neku's wrists, brought the Proxy's hands down, and leaned in to press a soft kiss to Neku's lips. He'd never admit that Neku had taken his first kiss, but now, he felt as though he'd never be able to stop. This would burn and sting and hurt forever, never scar over, and he was perfectly fine with that. If the Angels didn't like it...to Hell with them.

Neku didn't expect the sudden show of affection; the sudden outpouring caught him off guard. But he loved it and oh thank heavens that Joshua wasn't hating him. That Joshua wanted this too.

And he raised his arms up, wrapped them around the Composer's thin shoulders and buried his long fingers in silver curls. He kissed him back, nipping at that pouty bottom lip affectionately and trying to stifle the desire to just weep forever. It was a mix of happiness and dread, knowing that this would not- could not- last one way or another.

This was bad, but Joshua just didn't care anymore. He leaned into Neku's touch, grateful now that the hands didn't pass through him, that Neku's gaze didn't pass through him... A soft noise, edging on a whimper, escaped Joshua's throat, and he instinctively parted his lips to exhale quietly. The miscalculation? Neku's mouth was there.

...How awkward.

The breath against him made him shiver. Neku pulled back, worried that Joshua needed to breathe. He ran his fingers over the Composer's face, licking his lips and desperately wanting more. More of Joshua.

"Josh..." He let out a shuddering breath.

"I..." Neku just wanted to touch him forever. Wanted to drink him in forever. And he knew that it would end. That just made it all the more important that he do this, that he not take it for granted.

His eyes searched Joshua's gaze for a moment. He wanted to kiss him again, but first he wanted to let him speak. Wanted him to say something, anything…

No. No talking. No time. Joshua was afraid he wouldn't have time to savor this, at all. Did he have until morning? He didn't know. He leaned up then, leaned up and crushed his lips to Neku's with a desperation he didn't know he had anymore. It had been way too damn long since fear had gripped him like this, and this loneliness...was worth getting Erased for.

"Neku-kun," he whispered against the Proxy's lips, but there were no words, so he simply kissed him harder.

Fuck. Neku didn't waste any more time. He knew how precious it was to them, and when it was over he would weep. But for now...? The Proxy gripped the silken curls almost violently, and he squirmed against Joshua. He pulled at him, tugging and yanking as though he couldn't be close enough. As though he wanted their bodies to faze together so they couldn't be pulled apart even by Heaven itself.

A soft moan into his Joshua's mouth. His Joshua. And he could feel the embarrassing need burning in his core. He hated it and needed it and- oh god Joshua, if he could help it he was going to take you as many times as he could, or let you fuck him- he didn't care.

These feelings were almost alien to Joshua, after so long of being the untouchable Composer. No...even of just being a Reaper. The way Neku moved against him made him shiver, and he wanted the kiss to be deeper, wanted the grip in his hair to grow tighter, even though it was already so tight it actually hurt.

It was so...human.

This needed to be pressed further. He wanted Neku to dominate him. If for this single night, Joshua was going to be human again, he wanted Neku to be the stronger one. It would be the only chance they would have. The only chance Neku would have to fuck a god. The only chance the ghost boy would have to be human again.

Oh, and Neku gasped and whimpered as he squirmed against Joshua for dominance. And somehow, he was winning it. The redhead pressed against him until the weight carried them both over onto the mattress. He trembled, heart seeming to pound in time to the explosions going on outside of the window. He reached out with thin fingers to pluck at the buttons on Joshua's shirt.

"I... Joshua...I... god...I..." It didn't make much sense punctuated by kisses.. He didn't care. He didn't care about any of it anymore. Just Joshua. Just this.

There was nothing he could do to stop himself. Nothing at all. And he didn't want to. Not anymore.

"Mine..."

"You have no idea," Joshua murmured, dipping his head to nip at Neku's earlobe gently. There were no snarky comments for this. He'd lived a hundred years and never once batted an eyelash at the concept of time. He had all the time in the world...but now, when he finally wanted it, there wasn't enough. When the last button of his shirt was undone, he slipped his arms back to wriggle out of the garment, and then grasped Neku's shirt. Pulled at it, desperate in ways unfamiliar to him in too many ways.

"I'm probably going to die for this," he said jokingly. "Make it last...?"

Neku didn't answer. There was nothing that he could have said. Nothing left to be said. All of the speaking was to be done with fingertips and silken lips now.

The Proxy shrugged his own shirt over the top of his head, and hastily began to run greedy fingers over skin that was just too goddamned perfect. It was flawless like moonlight, like porcelain, like glass. He grabbed Joshua's face again, parting his lips with a forceful tongue.

Neku wanted to kiss him forever... But there wasn't time for that. He was reaching for the button on his own jeans, flushed and needy.

It was too fast. Joshua tensed, pressing closer to Neku at the same time he tried to pull away, and finally just breaking the kiss with a frustrated cry. He was a virgin, but he'd give it up for Neku. He wanted to savor this, but he wanted to make sure he didn't fade away in the middle of it all.

The longer he spent contemplating over it, the less time they had. Trembling, he tore his eyes away from Neku's face, trying to regain his bearings on his logic before too much time was lost.

"Joshua..." He breathed, and was desperately kicking free from his pants, desperately tearing away at boundaries. He didn't even know what he was going to do with himself once the clothes were gone. He heard the sound that Joshua made when their mouths parted, knew that it could mean frustration of any sort. He didn't much care. Unless his former Partner was going to beg him to stop, he wasn't going to.

And Neku reached for the closure of his black jeans, still trembling, and far too eager to lay eyes on the body of a god.

"I wanted you. I cried out for you...I fucking hated you and I love you and I need you."

If they hadn't been hardened by decades of loneliness, there would have been tears in Joshua's eyes as he turned to look at Neku again. His gaze screamed for help, but Neku wouldn't notice, and that was just fine. He could drown himself in Neku. That'd make the pain go away. It had to. Had to.

"Then take me."

It was void of emotion. He was hurting, but that was fine. He'd endure it. Neku needed this, or he'd completely lose what was left of his sanity.

Neku nodded, his hands moving clumsily. A few breathless moments later he had begun to peel the fabric of the Composer's jeans away, revealing sharp hipbones and slender thighs. His whole body was shaking, and as it were, he couldn't even bring himself to worry that he was naked in front of Joshua. Certainly, the Composer had been watching him long enough to have seen that sight before. The Proxy leaned forward, pressing kisses to that too-perfect chest and stomach, worshiping it.

"Joshua... Are you sure? Tell me. Tell me what you're feeling." He was all but begging, lips against Joshua's pale skin and the heat practically radiating from him.

"No," Joshua replied flatly, though his tone was not unkind. "Neku, if you want me, take me."

There weren't words to describe how badly Joshua wanted Neku to want him, or how thrilled he was that Neku could see him, even for a few moments. Neku needed this. He wanted this. He'd never get Neku to forget him or to hate him.

Shaking beneath the Proxy's touch, Joshua just moved a hand to weave his fingers into copper spikes. His eyes were sad, though he smiled at the teenager.

"I missed you."

That small admission meant so much. He whimpered and shivered, and leaned forward, pressing their naked bodies together. At first the warmth was just that; beautiful and sweet and he ran his hands all over Joshua's arms and shoulders and chest and face, absolutely adoring the creature that was so illuminated by the lights of the city.

"I know. I missed you too. God, I missed you so much." How could he say it? No one else gets me. No one understands where I was coming from. No one could possibly feel how I did about the world... Until you.

But then he shifted his hips and his straining, aching need drug delicious friction between them. Neku gasped into Joshua's hair, wondering if he would even dare to go further than this.

Yes or no, Neku, stop dragging this out, stop leading me on, I swear I'll kill you if this keeps up for much longer...

Joshua snaked his arms around the taller boy's body, shivering against him and digging his nails into the soft flesh of Neku's back. He fought the urges and signals his all-too-human body gave him. The urge to whimper. The urge to arch into Neku's touch. The urge to crush their lips together and memorize every detail of Neku's mouth.

"Never again," he reminded Neku weakly. "This...is a fluke."

And he whimpered, his tears breaking again. The heat spilled down his cheeks, surely splashing onto Joshua. He didn't answer. He knew. He knew it would never happen again.

Neku's hand snaked between them, his fingers unsure at first as they closed over the Composer's erection. Neku shivered and found himself pressing into Joshua's hip. He was afraid. He didn't know what to do; didn't want to hurt him. The confusion was evident on his face.

"I...Don't want to take you like this..." His free hand ghosted over Joshua's face and he blinked through tears.

No one had ever touched him there. Foreign as that feeling was, Joshua was also mildly distracted by the need to arch into Neku's touch, and he did. Not quietly, either; the gasp that tore past his lips actually hurt his throat, unexpected. His cheeked burned, and his eyes were slightly cloudy, though still sharp.

"N-Neku..."

Again, he left out the honorific. Again, he either didn't notice, or didn't care. He stared, mild bemusement on his face, at his Proxy.

"...Then don't."

Those two words hurt, and he didn't know why. A firework outside startled him, and he looked towards the window.

Panic flashed across the Proxy's face. There was no time. His eyes darted around his bedroom, looking for...Well he didn't know until his gaze fell on his bedside table. It was strewn with gifts from his most recent birthday, most of them things that his health and beauty obsessed wannabe idol of a mother had thrown at him. You know, since he'd seemed to actually start caring about his appearance ever since some time last year. Most of the products sat unused, though cherished in their own right.

Neku sat up, released his hold on Joshua and got to his hands and knees, swiping up one small bottle in particular what he was snatching now, flipping the cap open. It was some all-natural oil stuff for your cuticles or massages or...something. Neku's train of thought was far from that, and more focused on- what the hell am I doing?!

He didn't have time to be embarrassed, No time for any of it, as he slicked himself in the stuff. And two trembling, unsure fingertips rested lightly over Joshua's entrance, his free hand coming up to brush silver strands from that almost angelic face.

"Josh...C-can I...?"

Impatience took hold of Joshua now, not just from the rush of their activities or the time limit on their allowed night together. Now it was just his personality starting to bleed through, his mask effortlessly sliding back over his face and hiding all of that pain and sorrow and loneliness. Instead, his natural impatience and his condescending attitude made him snicker at the copper-haired teenager.

He pressed against Neku's fingers, his nervousness not showing in the slightest as he smirked.

"Can you?"

Of course. The pain and uncertainty he had glimpsed, but now he didn't know what to think of it all. But Neku wanted this. His body's reactions should have been enough. He knew that he was probably boring this Adonis, who surely had much more experience than himself...

But Neku pressed forward, first one finger and then another. His body trembled and his breath hitched as he moved slowly, desperately trying to do this right, to make it less than miserable for his Partner.

He took the opportunity to lean forward and capture his lips again, tongue sliding forward to memorize his taste.

Neku was wrong, and of course he wouldn't - couldn't - have known Joshua was a virgin. Why would he be? Over one hundred years old, and a virgin. Joshua.

It was laughable.

And yet, Joshua's brows were furrowed as he leaned up into Neku's kiss, trying to reclaim dominance even now. It didn't hurt. Yet. It just felt...odd. Neku's slick fingers moved inside of him, and then Joshua jolted as Neku moved them just so and brushed a spot Joshua hadn't been aware would make him break the kiss with a low moan.

Neku shivered against Joshua, and he knew that the Composer could surely all but feel how desperate he was, and how badly he wanted this. But he was being as gentle as he could be, and continued to stretch him, move with him until Neku couldn't stand the beautiful sight before him any longer.

The Proxy pulled his fingers away slowly, gently, and in a sudden show of almost childish uncertainty, wiggled himself into position. Neku was trembling, and from more than his uncertainty. His breath came against Joshua's ear as he pressed himself against his entrance.

"Hold onto me, okay?" He didn't know how it'd help or if it would. And slowly, so slowly, he started to push forward.

Joshua held on, squirming just enough to be able to stare into Neku's eyes. He needed to see that. He needed to. He could feel, already, that this was going to hurt in a way that was completely new and bizarre, and he was fine with that. Sharp nails ran gently down the soft skin of Neku's back, not biting in, just...preparing. Needing to feel more and more of the human who was about to take a god's virginity.

If there was anything poetic about that, it was lost with the way Joshua's mind was screaming. Yes. No. Anything. Go away. Please. Love me. Save me. Kill me.

"Take me," he whispered, and forced himself down until Neku was inside. He was silent through the pain.

Neku's weight was enough to subdue some of the squirming, and he didn't expect Joshua to push back against him and- Neku let out a gasp and a soft moan, eyelashes fluttering shut for a moment as the heat of the Composer adjusting to him washed over his mind. He'd never felt anything like this, and knowing that it was Joshua...

Neku whimpered. He pressed desperate and sloppy kisses all over his neck and shoulders, giving him a few moments. The Proxy knew that it had to hurt. Knew that it had to be terrifying, and so he gave him as long as he could stand to adjust.

"Joshua..." His voice came out as more of a moan than anything, that whisper still ringing in his ears. And he began to move. It was slow at first, concern still written on his features.

"Congratulations," Joshua whispered, and it was a marvel to him that his voice was so steady and soft at a time like this. "You're my first."

And last.

Joshua's nails bit into Neku then, not hard enough to draw blood, but likely hard enough to hurt a little. Neku was...big, and felt even bigger inside of him. Once the arrogant words were spoken, Joshua fell silent. It took all his will power not to whimper or pant raggedly from the pain. And pleasure.

Pleasure of, for once, belonging to someone who wanted him.

Oh god, that should have rocked his world. It should have made him stop to think. But it didn't. He couldn't think any more. About anything. Just the heat that was coursing through him like fire, like every ounce of desire he had ever known had become concentrated and focused in his core.

He moaned, damp copper locks falling into Joshua's face as he began to move faster, trying to find that spot deep inside of his partner again.

Neku had no idea what he was doing, and part of him was terrified that he was hurting Joshua more than pleasuring him, that he was just doing this for Neku's sake.

His hand snaked in between them, and the Proxy's thin fingers found Joshua's need again, stroking as he moved.

Neku-kun, you worry too much. Joshua's soft whimpers and whines were stifled by Neku's shoulder. He bit down on the soft skin there, then pressed his lips to the curve where Neku's neck and shoulder met. Biting. Nipping. Sucking.

Eventually, the whimpers of desperation and pain faded entirely, giving way to the quiet gasps and breaths Joshua failed to hold in. Neku hit that spot once more, and he writhed beneath the Proxy, a strangled cry ending up smothered by Neku's skin.

When Neku's hand found him again, it was getting to be too much. He was so cold before, and now...it was like he was on fire. Burning.

His mouth left Neku's neck to find the copper-haired teen's lips again, and the kiss was as rough and needy as it was careful. A mess of contradictions. Just like Joshua.

Just like them.

A muffled noise into the mouth of his Composer as his pace increased. A sheen of sweat was breaking out on his flushed skin, his breath ragged and desperate when he finally broke the kiss in a desperate need to breathe.

He wanted this to kill him. He wanted this to never end, and he wanted it to end him. Neku's face was still wet with tears, wet with misery that laced his passion and this intense pleasure with bitterness.

"Joshua... Yoshiya..." The name began to fall senselessly from his lips, his hips rocking into the ageless boy beneath him and his entire body started to tighten, started to coil.

Neku's hand moved faster, tightening and he whimpered, biting down on Joshua's collar bone hard enough to leave bruises. It was too much, it was overwhelming, and he couldn't get enough.

Neku had never called him that. Not directly. Joshua had heard the Proxy whisper it in his most miserable nightmares, crying out for the god who only wished he could help, but couldn't. Sometimes, rarely, Joshua would reach out to stroke Neku's hair away from his eyes as he slept, and Neku would appear to actually feel it.

But then his eyes opened and he saw nothing, and couldn't hear Joshua when the Composer called to him.

Joshua dug his nails in deeper, moving with Neku and wishing he was stronger.

"Can't...hold on much longer," he managed quietly, his voice cracked with the effort he'd made of staying so quiet until this point.

He knew, damn it he knew. But there was no way he'd let himself go first. He wanted to feel him, needed to experience his release. And Neku whined. It was taking all of his willpower to keep this pace, to move and not be utterly destroyed by the way Joshua felt.

"I know." He breathed, he kissed the Composer's face, he quickened his pace and moved his hips with a force that was almost violent- but really more insistent then anything.

"Let go."

Joshua didn't want to let go yet, but he couldn't fight release any longer. It was with a soft cry that he reached his climax, and as his body shuddered, he buried his face in Neku's neck to hide his eyes. Though the wetness that gathered at the corners might not fall just yet, he didn't want Neku to see that.

He held Neku close to him, secretly afraid of the moment the Proxy would pull away.

Deep breath, deep breath, and then suddenly Joshua was so tight that it almost hurt, and his mind and body shivered in unison as he came- dragged over the edge by the Composer's orgasm. The Proxy's heart hammered in his chest until his vision swam back to him, and he lifted his hand to his mouth to taste Joshua.

His body finally gave out on him then and he pulled out wearily, collapsing forward onto the Composer's chest. He pressed his face there, not caring for the sticky mess that was between them. Joshua. All that mattered was Joshua.

"Don't leave. Joshua...Please...I..." It was so cruel of him to say, but he couldn't stop it from leaving his lips. He whimpered and the steady stream of tears that just wouldn't stop redoubled.

It had been as beautiful as he could have hoped. But how much time did they have left?

Joshua reached up to press his palm against Neku's cheek, carefully wiping away some of those tears with a gentle thumb. He was smiling. Sadly, but it was a smile.

"I'll always be here with you, Neku-kun. I swear it."

He shifted his body so that he and Neku were on their sides. Joshua clutched the Proxy to his chest, nuzzling damp copper locks and sighing softly.

"Rest, now. I'll stay here, and I'll be here when you wake up."

He wouldn't sleep. He knew what to do now.

The red-head nodded an affirmation. He didn't care what Joshua was planning. Joshua was always planning something, and he trusted him. Neku simply sighed softly and pressed a few kisses to the Composer's throat.

He promised, and so for now he wouldn't be afraid. The fireworks had died down in the time that they had spent worshiping each other, and Shibuya's Proxy tightened his grip on his Composer.

Kissed him and held on for dear life as sleep threatened to take him too fast.

"I trust you." He whispered. It was amongst his last conscious thoughts.

Joshua stayed by Neku's side throughout the night, watching not the clock, but the sky outside. His gaze was on the stars he couldn't see. They were invisible, impossible to make out through the city's glazed night sky.

A few hours later, the orange hum of morning pricked the sky, and Joshua could feel the tug of the UG. He gazed down at his hands calmly, saw them as they began to fade. Fade...

No. Neku would have to wake up before he was gone completely. He pressed a soft kiss to Neku's temple and rolled the Proxy onto his back, hovering over him.

"Neku-kun...wake up."

He had been in a deep sleep, one that wasn't plagued by the meandering nightmares that he'd become so accustomed to. But for Joshua's soft voice, he opened his eyes without protest. It was hard for him to tell the morning was on its way. He didn't know that Joshua could feel it.

His eyes read confusion, but happiness.

"Joshua... Hm?"

Joshua's smile was bizarrely twisted. Sad. Triumphant. Lonely. Mischievous. Past the beauty of it, there was an evil sort of selfishness, but he stood from the bed, naked and illuminated by dawn's orange gaze.

"We can't last without each other, Partner," he murmured, his voice airy and dark at the same time. Violet eyes glinted. "We'd go insane. We need one another, don't we?"

He brushed a strand of silver behind his ear, his smile spreading until it was honestly hopeful.

"Will you stay by my side forever?"

The Proxy only watched him, still endlessly stunned by the beauty and sadness that was Joshua. He licked his lips, blinked his bleary eyes. If he asked him, of course the answer was yes. Of course he would. There was no other option... And everything that the Composer said was true.

Neku's eyes were almost uncharacteristically innocent, questioning and trusting all at once.

"Yes. If I could, I would. I'd do anything." He said simply, frowning. Why was he asking him this?

Joshua snickered, a familiar sound, but a broken one. Light surrounded him blindingly, leaving his image too bright to look at for a few seconds before it began to fade again. When it did so, Joshua was clothed and clean and looked like just another kid in Shibuya, as he had a year ago, when he'd formed a Pact with Neku.

And before that, when he'd shot him.

That was why, when Joshua raised the gun that had materialized in his hand, he knew all too well what was going to happen, and he was just fine with it. And Neku? Well, Neku wouldn't live much longer without Joshua there anyway.

Joshua's finger tightened on the trigger, and he winked, brushing his hair back again. "Then join me in my madness, Neku-kun," he said snidely, and fired with a sound that would likely be mistaken for a last-minute firework.

Somehow... Neku almost knew what was going to happen. And he wanted it. Hell, he probably would have done it himself in the next few days if Joshua hadn't done it now. But there were fears, last minute thoughts and worries.

What about my parents? Was this going to look like a murder or will I have never existed?

There was no time for second thoughts though. None at all. Neku almost didn't realize that the bullet had been fired at all. And in a way... The pain that blossomed in his body was familiar. Shattered collar bone, fibers, sinews, muscle and bone all torn through. He wanted to move. Hated being suddenly broken. But needed it. Wanted it.

He would have garbled Joshua's name if there wasn't blood bubbling through his trachea and trickling down his chin. It would be over soon though. His heart struggled, skipped beats, struggled...

The world around them was shifting, and Joshua just smiled as Neku's room faded away to reveal Udagawa, shrouded in dawn's light. Joshua knelt beside Neku, gently taking the chin of the boy who was slumped against the mural and lifting it so that he could press a soft kiss to those bloodstained lips. The kiss of death, in its literal sense. Neku shouldn't have had to suffer much longer. Joshua was prepared. He understood now that Neku would not have lived at all...so let him die where he was supposed to have died a year ago.

Joshua took Neku's hand and pressed his gun into the redhead's palm, leaving no fingerprints of his own behind. He curled Neku's finger onto the trigger and watched, waiting.

"Neku-kun...see you soon."

He wasn't afraid like he thought he'd be. Even after facing death he was still human. There wasn't enough brain function left for him to comprehend that they were in Udagawa now. But he did comprehend the feeling of metal in his hand. Good. This is how he would have wanted it. It was his choice, and he wanted his friends and family to know that.

His last thought was a strange one: He wondered if Rhyme would tell the others what really happened, or if the burden would seem to painful; too selfish to share.

When Neku woke up again, he'd be in the Scramble. Not as a Player, but as something more important. Joshua would be there, fifteen and yet ancient, fragile and yet powerful beyond all belief.

After all, He'd been lacking a Conductor for a year...if He was going to spend eternity with anyone, there was no one better than His chosen one.