Loki and Odin crossed the rainbow bridge on a trip to Midgard, land of you humans. The sun was shining, flowers were blooming, the birds were singing, and the cart was not mysteriously breaking down in the middle of bandit-filled, cursed forests. All was well as they chatted and played cards on the road.
After several hours, passing many fjords and forests, the two gods began to grow hungry. Odin, in all his wisdom, had forgotten to pack a lunch; Loki had planned to steal some of Odin's crisps, and hence brought nothing. Between the two, they had not a single crust of bread.
"We must stop and hunt or gather food," observed Odin.
"I agree, but where will we find some?" replied Loki.
Odin pointed. "Over there, a herd of wild cows."
Loki picked up a stone, and with deft aim, tossed it directly at one of the cows' heads. It missed, as thrown rocks are wont to do, and struck an otter in the head, crushing its skull and killing it instantly.
"I suppose that will have to do," said Loki, mournfully. If only Doritos were found in the wilds of Midgard! He placed the otter in a pot of boiling water, and began to make a delicious otter stew.
Tens of seconds passed, and the otter had not cooked one bit. In fact, looking at the otter in the pot, it was as stone cold as the moment it started cooking.
"Maybe our hunger made it seem to take longer than it actually did, and it has barely been any time at all," suggested Odin.
"Bullshit Odin, bullshit. I counted in my head, it's been at least a minute. The stew should be done by now," replied Loki.
But then, a muscular man wearing a tight-fitting suit and a cape, descended from the skies. This was no ordinary man, though: he was gifted with the powers of flight and the head of an eagle!
"CAW CAW!" shouted the man.
"It's a bird!" said Odin, in astonishment.
"It's a pl- no, it's a bird. You're right!" added Loki.
"Schkeeeaaaah," he screeched in the manner that a bald eagle does.
Odin looked at the eagle-man with a single eye. "What is it that you want, Eagle Man?"
"Caw, Æsir! I want a taste of your delicious otter soup! And Pringles, but you don't have any! Schkeah!"
"Well begone, foolish eagle. This soup will not cook," informed Odin.
"That is where you are wrong, caw caw! It is I, using my," the eagle-man wiggled its fingers, "forbidden eagle magick!"
Odin pulled a horn from the cart, drank deeply from it, then spat it out. "Eagle magick? Preposterous!" After an awkward silence, he continued: "What must we do, Eagle Man, to allow it to cook?"
"Caw caw, Æsir! I wish to have my share!"
Odin took a look at the pitiful scraps inside the pot, and mentally weighed up what such a share would constitute. He contemplated both sides of the issue, for several seconds, before being rudely jarred out of his wise thoughts by none other than Loki.
"I say we allow the eagle to eat," he said, grinning smugly, "after all, it will never cook so long as he uses his magick on it."
Odin let out a long, heavy sigh, then agreed. "Fine, Eagle Man. Take your share of the otter soup."
"Schkeah! Thank you!" said the eagle-man, as he shoved his hands straight into the boiling water and pulled out chunks of barely-cooked meat. He greedily shoved them into his beak, and, once swallowed, jammed his hands into the pot for round two.
"Clear off, Eagle. You've had yours," complained Loki. Odin nodded grimly.
"No way, caw caw! This is delicious!"
Loki looked deeply into the mysterious, yet beautiful, well of Odin's one remaining good eye. He made a tiny hand gesture, suggesting binding the Eagle-Man in the same way that the Fenrir was, and waited for a response. Odin nodded.
The eagle-man let out a screech into the air. "Schkeah! You can not bind me!" he roared, and began hovering, his cape fluttering in the wind dramatically and he pushed one arm out in front of himself, curled into a fist.
Loki leaped, carrying a stick, and used his magic to carry him further into the air than any of you humans could. With a powerful lunge, he shoved the stick forwards, and it scraped against the eagle's super-suit, scratching it. Odin provided additional force to hold Loki up into the air, and he sent out another strike, passing by the eagle-man's face. With a powerful snap of his jaws, the eagle-man caught the stick in his beak.
"No!" shouted Loki. "I am stuck up here! Help!"
"Just shapeshift," Odin shouted, weary of Loki's folly and trickery. Why, back in Odin's day, kids respected their elders. And don't get him started on those new gadgets and gizmos the teens can't seem to pull themselves away from.
Loki let go of the stick, and pulled his form into that of a jackdaw. With a flutter of wings, he flew free from the Eagle-Man, who quickly turned. His eyes glowing red, the Eagle-Man fired two powerful beams of laser light from his eyes, tracking Loki through the skies.
Loki dived, and the Eagle-Man responded quickly and effectively. Every turn Loki could make seemed to be anticipated by the Eagle-Man, and any attempts at outmaneuvering the Eagle were met with his laser eyes. The battle seemed hopeless, and Odin was too far down to hear his doubtlessly helpful yet maddeningly inaudible tactical advice.
Loki saw an opening, and swooped directly towards the Eagle-Man. However, the Eagle's reflexes were keen, and he grasped Loki in one of his gloved hands.
"Let me down!" shouted Loki, the request coming out as a beautiful chirp.
"You must pay me," replied the Eagle-Man.
"Never!" he said, before being dragged through a lake of freezing cold water. Salmon swam around, and between freezing Loki considered what it would be like to transform into a salmon. Probably unpleasant; he would never want to do so.
"Are you sure, Loki the Joker, caw caw?" asked the Eagle-Man, putting a strange rhythm on Loki's name.
"Yes," bird-sighed Loki, "I'm certain I wouldn't betray the Æsir."
The eagle-man swooped down towards a field of spiky shrubs, but paused. "Why do you think I would want you to betray the Æsir?" he asked.
"Because you're obviously Þjazi. I'm a shape changer, I can spot these things."
"Caw caw! I am not that giant! I am the Eagle-Man!" said Þjazi, but already he was changing back into his blue-skinned, frost giant form.