Chapter title: Henry Van Dyke

Time is
Too Slow for those who Wait,
Too Swift for those who Fear,
Too Long for those who Grieve,
Too Short for those who Rejoice;
 But for those who Love,
 Time is Not.

-Henry Van Dyke-

-October 23, 2016-

It was unseasonably warm.

Despite being October, the sun had risen and given way to a cloudless, warm autumn day. Fall had burst to life not long ago and the trees were ablaze with bright shades of orange, red, and yellow.

Autumn was Allison's favorite time of the year. There was something in the air and the way the sun hung low in the sky that made her feel alive. The way the coolness of the breeze made her reach for her coat but the warmth of the sun on her skin made her hesitate to put it on. Or maybe it was the smell of smoky pines woven together with the spicy, sweet scent of cinnamon. Perhaps it was the breathtaking fall foliage that looked like the trees were a perpetual fiery sunset.

Whatever the reason, Allison loved fall.

The unusual, almost summer like, weather had found her and Nate opening all the windows in the house, letting the inside breath in the outside. The day had passed in warmth, smiles, and pleasantries. They had taken Shaun to the neighborhood park and chatted with the neighbors about the upcoming Halloween festivities. When they finally came home, Nate had stayed outside to rake leaves and mow the yard while Allison went in to feed the baby and put him down for a nap.

After tending to her baby, Allison laid down to rest, thankful for the brief pause in the seemingly endless demands of raising an infant. While Shaun was mostly sleeping through the night and following a routine, she still felt exhausted most of the time. It was like her body was playing catch-up after giving birth.

A draft of warm fall air blew in from the open window and breathed across Allison's skin as she lay atop the bed she shared with her husband. The tepid breeze wrapped her in a blanket of gratitude as she basked in this coveted time of respite and solitude, allowing herself to close her eyes and relax and she wondered how she had gotten so lucky. The tension was slowly dissipating from her muscles, seeping through her pores and being whisked away to the stratosphere.

Her mind wandered, combing through the culmination of events that had allowed her to slip into the peaceful domesticity of the American Dream. The course of her life had been wrought with pits and valleys. She was a wayward weed caught in the wind and in her early years she wandered aimlessly, chasing the stars like she had nothing to lose.

Meeting Nate had been the apex of change. He gave her the stability she had been lacking and eased the ache of restlessness that consumed her untamed soul. They fit together and walked through life hand in hand and when one was no longer able to stand, the other waded through the waters to carry them to the other side. Apart they were like a canvass without paint but together they were the missing pieces that completed the picture.

Nate sighed as his hand came to rest on the doorknob of his home in the Boston suburbs.

The past few months had been a difficult transition from the Air Force to civilian life. But he had spent far too much time apart from Ally and as much as he wanted to help defend against the increasing threat in the Middle East, he missed his wife. When his service contract ended in the summer of 2015 he decided not to continue his active duty enlistment and rejoined the civilian world.

The Air Force had kept Nate focused, working toward a common goal. He thrived in the structure and discipline. The civilian life felt foreign and since his retirement, he felt lost, unclear and unsure where he fit in.

Now, as he turned the knob and pushed the door open to his house, he felt a fleeting rush of hopefulness and nagging fear of failure ebbed away, if only for a moment. In this new role, he would be able to continue serving his country but not have to be on the front lines and maybe be able to establish some normalcy in his life again.

"Nate?" Ally's voice echoed from the hallway, "Is that you?"

"Yeah babe," the door clicked shut behind him, "it's me."

Ally appeared in the entryway to the hall. She bit her bottom lip and rubbed her hands on her jeans. Nate knew she was just as nervous as he was. Her hazel eyes flicked around the room, as he walked towards her, before coming to rest upon his.

"Well…?" she prompted, "How did it go?"

"The interview was stressful," Nate shuffled and glanced down at the floor, the nagging feeling in his chest edged back in. "They wanted to know about my avionic background and asked me about different weapon systems."

He looked up and Ally folded her arms across her chest, still chewing at her bottom lip.

"I guess they just wanted to make sure I know my stuff."

"So...what does that mean?" Ally leaned into the arched entryway, lines of worry furrowed across her face.

For a moment Nate hesitated, feeling apprehensive. He didn't quite understand this anxiety that had nested within him. It had been slowly bleeding through the cracks in the outward appearance of strength and stability since his last deployment. He desperately tried to stowaway behind crumbling walls but one look at Ally revealed that she saw through the guise. Rich browns and bright green held the captivating promise of redemption and Nate refused to hide from her.

"Well, with the expedited hiring process, it will be about two weeks before I can start."

With the rapidly advancing technology of modern day warfare and the threat of war breaching American soil, the need for abled bodied men and women, engineers and scientists, soldiers and civilians alike, able to forge the front of research was paramount. In recent years, the enlistment and hiring processes of the military had been expedited to fulfil the overwhelming need for warm bodies.

"So they offered you the job?" she asked with raised eyebrows.

"It's a conditional offer. They have to run the initial background checks but I've already got the clearance so it shouldn't be a problem."

There was a pause, a reluctancy of sorts. An unspoken burden left by the unseen wounds of war.

"Is this what you want?" Ally's hand gently touched his arm, just above his elbow.

The Natick Soldier Systems Center was a state of the art military research facility. Nate would be working with cutting edge technology to research and advanced experimental weapons and armor. He would be operating alongside some of the most talented scientists, engineers, and researchers in the country. Civilians and soldiers working together to create a better future for their brothers and sisters in arms and keeping their country safe through science and technology.

Nate was anxious but to say he wasn't excited would be a lie.

"Yes," he smiled slightly at the possibilities and the thought of this opportunity.

Ally continued to silently study him. She was too perceptive for her own good. Nate tried to remain steadfast and hold his facade but he knew what she was getting at. He knew what Ally was really asking.

'Will this make you happy?'

That was a question he couldn't answer. He didn't know. It wasn't just the departure from the Air Force that was troubling Nate, it was Iraq, Kuwait, Afghanistan, and numerous deployments. It was the IEDs that maimed his brothers, the guerrilla warfare that took the lives of the people he cared about, and the air raids that devastated entire towns and killed innocent civilians.

War weighed heavy on Nate but Ally was his light. His wife gave him hope that there was life beyond war.

There was no way of knowing if this job was the answer but he would sure as hell try. He would be the man and the husband his wife deserved.

"This is what I want," he assured her as his hands came to rest on her hips.

Finally Ally relaxed and returned his smile. She stepped toward him and put her arms around his shoulders and softly kissed his cheek.

"I'm really proud of you. I always have been." she whispered and rubbed her nose along the shell of his ear, "I have some news too."

"Oh?" Nate pulled back to look at her. An unreadable expression fell across her face, one he had never seen before. Anxiety burned, like acid, from the inside out. It twisted and churned his gut into knots. "Is something wrong?"

Ally shook her head and a sort of smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

"I'm pregnant."

His mind went blank as he tried to process what she had just said.

"W-what?" he stammered.

Nate stared, that certainly wasn't what he was expecting, although, it didn't come as a surprise. They weren't try to get pregnant but they weren't exactly trying very hard not to either.

As quickly as it had come, the bubbling in his belly melted away. His breath caught in his throat and he couldn't breathe. The air suddenly gone from his lungs but for an entirely different reason than the anxiety that was chewing away at him.

"I'm pregnant." she repeated.

"Ally…" his voice was like a hushed lullaby as he took her face in her hands. "You're serious?"

"Mhm," she was nodding and smiling, "Yes."

Nate could see the moisture that pricked at the corners of her eyes and his lips were on hers in an instant. He kissed her and held her and poured every emotion he couldn't articulated into his kiss. He was staggered by the overwhelming love and joy that bloomed from his chest. It consumed him and he couldn't hold his wife close enough.

"Nate," she pulled away and there were tears in his eyes too. She touched his face and brushed away the wetness that fell from his eyes.

"Ally…"

"...Allison?"

She opened her eyes and was met with blue eyes that reminded her of that point where the sea meets the sky. The dark outer ring of his iris meeting an endless ocean of shimmering cerulean stretching on into the infinite horizon.

Nate sat on the edge of the bed and softly caressed her back while tucking an unruly strand of hair behind her ear.

Had she fallen asleep?

She stretched and stifled a yawn as she rubbed her eyes, "What time is it?"

"Just after four." Nate smiled at her, "We need to get ready."

Much had transpired over the past year but Allison could still see the deep-seated anxiety that lingered and at times, held her husband like a vice.

She could see it in the slight dilation of his pupils, the gentle creases in his forehead, the way he lightly tapped his thumb against his thigh, and how he held her just a little too tight. As if she was the only thing holding him to this world.

"You sure you want to do this?" Allison squeezed his hand and looked up into an ocean of blue.

"No." The answer was quickly forced out and he held her eyes for a moment before they drifted toward the bay window. The curtains fluttered in the wind and his brows creased as he grappled with his internal conflict. "But I'm going to anyway."

Nate had been surprised when he had been asked to speak at the fundraiser at the Veteran's Hall tonight but Allison had been even more surprised that he had agreed. He was loquacious around friends and family but struggled with large groups.

Allison touched his cheek returning his attention back to her. "You'll get through it. Just look for me in the crowd."

He sighed as his fingers combed their way through his flaxen blonde strands, "Yeah, but doesn't mean I'm not nervous."

She sat up and put her arms around him, "I know. Does it help if I tell you I'm proud of you?"

"Maybe." A jumble of emotions swam in his eyes as Nate returned her embrace and his hands found their way into her honey colored hair. He leaned his forehead against hers and kissed the bridge of her nose. "I'm going to get the shower."

Allison wrinkled her nose as he got up from the bed, "Why do smell like gasoline?"

He paused momentarily before muttering, "The lawn mower wasn't cooperating," and turned to walk towards the bathroom.

"What happened?" The blankets were pushed away and she swung her legs over the edge of the bed. Allison exhaled and pressed her fingers against her temple.

She knew better than to ask questions.

Nate had a tendency to turn little projects into long drawn out ordeals. Like the time he was supposed to change the oil in her car but instead the entire engine got taken apart and put back together. Or the time he was supposed to replace a few loose tiles in the shower and the whole master bath got a remodel. Or when she would send him to pick up some milk and he would come back with everything in the store except the milk.

He stopped in the doorway to the bathroom and looked over his shoulder at her, "Ally, you really don't want to know."

She crossed her arms with raised brows and her head tilted forward, "Nate."

He just stood there in the doorway and Allison half expected him not to respond but then she saw the slight shift in his shoulders.

"The fuel filter needed to be replace, I broke the gas tank assembly trying to get to it."

Allison let out a soft groan and shook her head, "How bad is it?"

"Probably a good idea not to go in the garage." Still he stood there, unable to fully face her, "I promise I'll clean it up tomorrow."

She could feel his eyes on her as she stood and walked toward the bedroom door.

"I warned you," he shrugged and disappeared into the bathroom.

Allison ventured down the hallway, through the living and dining area past the kitchen towards the garage.

She reached for the doorknob and when her fingers closed around it, she seriously considered that she shouldn't go in there, but curiosity got the better of her.

"Nathan Williams," she breathed as the door swung open.

It looked like a bomb had gone off in her garage. Pieces of the mower littered ground, and the iridescent sheen of gasoline shone across the floor. Various items had been haphazardly taken off shelves and his workbench was a mess of tools, half formed sheets of steel, and gun parts.

For a moment she considered cleaning some of it up, but as she stepped into the garage, the overwhelming, acrid smell of fuel choked her senses and made her eyes water. Upon further deliberation, she decided that yes, they would deal with it tomorrow.

"What am I going to do with you Nate," she muttered to herself as she pulled the door closed.

Allison made her way back to the the bedroom but as she passed Shaun's room and soft sound fell upon her ears. As she crossed the threshold to his room she could see that he was still sound asleep in his crib. Shaun would be six months soon and she couldn't believe how fast time had gone by, it seemed like just yesterday he was a small, fragile newborn.

After he was born, Allison was terrified that she would break him. That in her inexperience she would fail him. It didn't matter how much she had prepared, when the time came and he entered the world, beautiful and flawless, she realized that no amount of reading or advice could have adequately equip her for the reality of motherhood.

The task of being responsible for the tiny life they had created was overwhelming and most of the time she had no idea what she was doing. She was flying by the seat of her pants and she was certain that she was doing something wrong. That her mistakes would be too much and Shaun would somehow grow up tainted.

Despite her fears, being a mother was beyond rewarding and Nate was always there to talk her out of her irrational thought processes. He reminded and showed her that Shaun was happy, healthy, and growing. Whatever mistakes she thought she made, she hadn't done anything wrong.

No matter what had transpired in the daylight hours, at the end of the day, Allison always collapsed into bed next to her husband, utterly exhausted. Yet the feeling of fullness, of love and happiness eclipsed everything else. Nate meant the world to her but her son was the piece to the puzzle she didn't know she was missing.

Looking down at him now, Allison could see he had grown so much. He was strong and healthy and as she studied his small, peaceful frame, she felt her heart melt. She loved him beyond words. As he slept, she watched the steady rise and fall of his chest. His rosy cheeks and perfect nose, everything, she loved everything about him.

The rush of water gurgling through the pipes roused Allison's attention as the shower turned on in the other room. She tenderly smiled at her baby and kissed her fingers, pressing them to her precious baby's cheek before following the noise across the hall.

As she walked into their room, she could hear Nate humming in the shower. A smile slipped across her face, despite the struggles they had faced in the time since he left the military, he hadn't lost sight of who he was. He was still the same goofy kid with the crooked smile she fell in love with.

"What are you doing in here love?" Allison pushed the door to the bathroom open and was engulfed in a billow of steam.

"Taking a shower."

Her husband was fluent in the language of sarcasm and Allison wanted to retort, No shit, but she bit her tongue because she knew where that response would lead, Stupid questions get stupid answers.

Instead she rolled her eyes and looked in the mirror. She ran a hand through hair that was like warm wildflower honey, trying to decide what to do with the wavy locks. The mossy green of her hazel irises, muddied with a kaleidoscope of golds and browns, stared back at her.

"You're beautiful," Nate's voice was a muffled echo cutting through the steam and bouncing off the ceramic tiles.

Allison caught his eyes peeking around the shower curtain in the foggy mirror. They spoke of love and adoration, of trust and respect, and a promise to keep his family safe at all costs.

He stretched his arm towards her, but she was just out of reach. His fingers beckoned for her to come closer but as she turned around, she leaned her hand into her hip and shook her head.

"Woman," it was a low growl, "get over here."

Maybe she liked the biting tone but she wouldn't give in so easy. She leaned into her hip more and watched as Nate grasped at nothing but air trying to get at her.

Finally Allison relented and stepped forward allowing Nate to grab her wrist and tug her toward him. He grinned and hummed his approval as his hand caressed the light fawn of her skin trailing up her arm. His fingers came to rest against her cheek and he lightly ran his thumb across her lips.

"I love you," he muttered and shook his head causing water to drip from the blonde strands onto Allison's cheeks and nose.

"You're such a goober," she couldn't help but smile as she leaned on to her toes and softly pressed her lips to his, "but, I love you too."

The way Nate looked at her told Allison everything she needed to know. It was her and her alone who had captured his heart. She was his light in a sea of darkness.

"Hurry up handsome," she took his hand in hers and kissed his fingers, "I'm gonna get dressed."

Moisture had begun to collect like dew on Allison's skin as Nate kissed her one last time. After a moment he released her and her lungs were met with clear, cool air as she walked into the bedroom.

A monstrosity of disorganization greeted her as she rummaged through the closet looking for the dress she picked out for tonight and she thought she really should consider getting rid of some stuff. Finally she found it but rustling and and soft murmuring sounds came from the baby monitor on the night stand

The dress was tossed on the bed and her efforts to get ready abandoned. As she walked across the hall and went into his room, she could see Shaun in his crib wriggling and entertaining himself and his face lit up upon seeing his mother.

"How's mama's little angel?" she cooed and tickled his belly eliciting a giggle from her baby.

Allison picked him up and held him close, kissing the top of his head. The feeling warmth spreading from within. She sat with him in the rocker beside his crib for awhile, content just watching him laugh and soak up her tender love.

It wasn't long before the shower turned off and Allison could hear Nate getting ready in the other room. She wondered what he was thinking. On the outside he looked calm and collected but she knew the conflict brewing within and she hoped that her presence at the event would be enough ease the storm.

"Yeah, she's with Shaun," Nate's voice carried from the hall before he appeared in the doorway, phone in hand. He was dressed in his black suit, "As soon as she's ready we'll leave."

Shaun started fussing when she stopped bouncing him and she gently patted him on the back as she stood.

"Who is it?" Allison crossed the few steps to stand in front of Nate.

'Piper.' he mouthed and continued his conversation, "Ok, we'll see you soon."

Nate hung up and shoved the phone in his pocket before he started fiddling with his tie, attempting to get the knot just right.

"Here," Allison leaned over and passed him the baby then retied and straightened out his tie, "Is Piper coming?"

"Yeah, she's on her way. She'll meet us there." Allison tugged one last time and gave him a once over before giving him the thumbs up.

"Thank you." Nate leaned down and kissed her forehead, "Go get ready. I'll get everything for Shaun." Her eyes trailed after them as Nate walked down the hallway to get Shaun's bag from the livingroom.

Getting ready was a quick affair. Allison threw some pins in her hair and hastily did her makeup before stepping into her dress. Phone, wallet, lipstick, she tossed them in her purse as she made her way to the livingroom to join Nate and Shaun.

Nate was sitting on the couch with Shaun in his lap watching the news.

"I'm ready whenever you are," she announced and Nate looked at her over his shoulder at her. The newscaster softly chattered in the background giving updates on the war in the Middle East.

"I think I got everything and Shaun should be good." He stood and grabbed the bag off the couch before turning off the TV and walking around to the front door where Allison stood waiting.

"I can drive." The plan had been to take two cars, Nate was worried he might have to stay late.

"Are you sure?" he asked as Allison grabbed her keys from the hook.

"Yeah," If her sister was going, Allison could always ask her for a ride, "It's fine. Piper can take us home if it gets too late."

Nate frowned and stared with vacant eyes, clearly lost in his thoughts. Even though his hands were full Allison didn't miss the soft taps of his thumb on his thigh.

"It's fine." She moved closer and gently pressed her fingers against the inside of his arm.

His eyes met hers and the tapping stopped. The trance broken. "Alright, but let's take my car. I moved the car seat yesterday."

"Fine. But I'm driving." Nate looked like he was about to protest but Allison cut him off before he could respond. "I know you're nervous. Just let me drive."

He considered her for a moment before nodding in agreement.

As they left the house, Nate flicked on the porch light and checked one last time to make sure the lights were off and the door was locked.

Outside, twilight and the warmth of the day was quickly fading. Darkness encroached on them now as they walked down the path to the driveway and with the blackening sky came a crisp aftertaste in the air that promised winter would soon arrive.

Shaun was secured in his car seat and the bags tossed in the trunk before they got in the car and made their way toward town. The streets of Sanctuary were quiet and the drive to Concord was short.

It wasn't long before the major intersection just outside of town came into view.

Red light, stop.

Allison eased onto the brake and the car slowly rolled to a stop.

Shaun cooed and Allison looked back to see him batting at one of the toys hanging from his car seat. A smile slipped across her face as Nate's hand came to rest on her knee. She was so incredibly happy. Her life had perfectly fallen into place without her even realizing it. Allison was excited for the future and anxious to see what it held for her small family.

The radio softly played in the background, "Ally?"

Green light, go.

"Hnm?" Allison let off the brake as she stole a glance at Nate. His blue were eyes, shining in the lights of the dash, felt like home.

She hit the accelerator and as she entered the intersection, Nate flashed that crooked, goofy grin at her as if he was the luckiest man on earth, "You're so beautiful, I lov-"

The blinding white light came up quickly behind Nate followed by a screeching sound and the feeling of being torn apart - and then - darkness. In the black abyss there was nothing. Time ceased to exist and Allison wondered, Is this what happens when you die?

She could only be so lucky.