Matching Up The Hatter
by Nikki Little
It was bound to happen. The Hatter, lovesick as always, had finally gotten the idea of checking out the eligible young gnome women in the village. Now before you criticize Hatter for doing such a thing, let me emphasize that the gnome women in general are tiny, delicate, ethereally beautiful things. It's a wonder Hatter didn't think of checking them out sooner. However, there's always something that goes wrong with even the best-laid plans. In this case, it was the gnome men. As soon as the gnome men saw Hatter coming and realized what he was up to, the gnome girls went flying. Gnome fathers tossed their daughters into closets, storm cellars, kitchen cabinets, armoires, and just about anywhere a gnome girl would fit – which was just about everywhere. One gnome father even tossed his daughter down a well. That must have been interesting when he came back to fish her out later. By the time Hatter made it to the village center, there wasn't a gnome girl or woman in sight. Hell, the gnome men had even hidden the grannies.
Now it's true that there were some human options for Hatter. For example, there's myself. Lord help me! I'm Arianne, and I was brought to Wonderland by Alice after our little adventure in the White House Lobby. Now you would think that I would appeal to Hatter. I'm short, dark-haired, and a dead ringer for Maria Bartiromo, the CNBC reporter who is best know as "the money honey." You would think that I would look good to Hatter. You would be wrong. It seems that Hatter likes his women very thin and boyish-figured. Think Kate Moss. I ain't no Kate Moss. I'm a size eight, and in Hatter's book, that makes me a "fatty." Thank you Lord for makin' him so picky! Hatter is so ugly he makes Bill the Lizard look like George Clooney. Did I mention that Hatter is charmless as well?
Of course, there's Alice. Oh, boy... Where to start? There was a time when Alice was Hatter's ultimate fantasy personified. You see, up until about two years ago, Alice was best described as "Twiggy with red hair and freckles." Now Alice has always been a pretty thing with her long, straight, coppery-red hair and those hypnotic, translucent, pale green eyes. She was also skinny as a cornstalk. She was straight up and down in all directions. If she had worn pants, you would have thought that she was a long-haired boy. Alice was a tomboy who really looked the part. That all changed about two years ago when the Cheshire Cat introduced Alice to the delights of Valrhona chocolate. Love at first bite! Now we all know what happens to women who have a love affair with chocolate. Alice actually got off easy. "Twiggy with red hair and freckles" turned into "Judy Garland with red hair and freckles." Now Alice is nowhere near what anyone could describe as "fat," but, these days, she's a long way from the kind of skinny, boyish girl who catches Hatter's eye. He won't even look at her anymore. Personally, I think he's crazy. Alice is more beautiful than ever, and all you have to do to be convinced of that is watch what the gnome men do whenever Alice walks by the village. The gnome women have actually started bribing Alice with clothes to keep her distance from the village. Alice now has more dresses than Imelda Marcos had shoes. So, anyway, no human females in Wonderland for Hatter. What to do about this guy?
Problems often come in twos, and so it was in Wonderland. Unknown to Alice, the Cheshire Cat had been writing stories of Wonderland and uploading them to THE WEBSITE THAT MUST NOT BE NAMED via Alice's ibook and dial-up internet connection. How ol' Furbutt – he's all paws – learned how to type is a mystery to me. Ol' Furbutt got the idea of uploading a link to his stories to a Lewis Carroll fan site. Banned! It seems that this she-monster of a moderator whom everyone calls "Little Red" had branded ol' Furbutt's stories as "porno." He couldn't believe it.
I know all this because one day I caught ol' Furbutt banging away on Alice's ibook while she was away at the still making hooch with Bill the Lizard and the White Rabbit for all of Wonderland. Furbutt confessed everything. He had somehow gotten hold of Alice's administrative password and had created a new user account for himself. Since Alice had the log-in screen set to require typing in the name as well as the password, she hadn't yet noticed the new user account. As ol' Furbutt spilled his guts to me, he showed me the Lewis Carroll fan site and the avatar for the evil "Little Red" who had banned him. Little Red's avatar, an actual photo, was a dead ringer for the "Twiggy" version of Alice. The resemblance was amazing. Little Red had the same hair color, the same gaunt face, the same freckles, the same nose, even the same eye color. The only difference was that this Little Red slathered on enough make-up to drown a moose. Alice wears almost no make-up at all. Tomboys like Alice rarely care much about make-up. It was at that moment that I got the idea, the truly delicious, evil idea, of solving two dilemmas at once: how to match up The Hatter and how to get Cheshire Puss his revenge.
Bringing along Alice, the Gnome Elder, and the Cheshire Cat, I made the trip to Caterpillar's Oracle Cave to discuss inviting Little Red to Wonderland with him. That topic was delayed for a moment as everyone agonized about what to do with Hatter. As the Cheshire Cat put it: "We've got an antique virgin running around Wonderland looking for any female who suits his tastes. We need to find somebody for him before he starts getting ideas about the White Queen of the Pale Realm." Caterpillar looked at Alice and me, "What's wrong with one of you two?" I quickly informed Caterpillar that I was unavailable. Period. I didn't say that I found Hatter repulsive beyond endurance. Alice started to squirm. Caterpillar looked at Alice and asked, "And you?" Alice fidgeted a moment and then replied, "I'm not Hatter's type and he's not my type, either. End of discussion." Caterpillar started to ask Alice why she wasn't Hatter's type, but, while standing behind Alice, I shot Caterpillar a sharp look and pointed to Alice's butt. Caterpillar got the idea. We came up with no solution to the "Hatter Problem."
I thought it was the perfect moment to bring up my proposal to bring "Little Red" to Wonderland. I made no mention of my ulterior motive to parade her around under Hatter's nose and get them married off. I merely made a lofty-sounding speech of introducing a Wonderland fan to precisely the place that she thought mythical. Bullshit spreads even in Wonderland.
So it was officially decided to extend an invitation to visit Wonderland to "Little Red." The choice of Ambassador was easy: there were only two creatures in Wonderland besides Caterpillar who knew how to blow smoke portals. Hatter was obviously unsuitable for the job, and so Alice it was.
Thanks to a security flaw in the Lewis Carroll fan site, it was easy to obtain Little Red's email address. Alice emailed an invitation to visit Wonderland and attached a few photographs as bait to catch Little Red's attention. Alice was aware that there was a good chance that Little Red would believe that the invitation was a hoax, so she asked Little Red to provide an address and promised to visit her first to prove that the invitation was genuine. Alice did not mention how she planned to arrive.
Sure enough, Little Red took the bait. She didn't even ask about how Alice obtained her e-mail address. Every ambassador needs a secretary, right? Alice took me along with her on the trip to Caterpillar's Oracle Cave. This was Alice's favored location for blowing smoke portals to locations outside of Wonderland.
Alice greeted Caterpillar and engaged in some idle chit-chat to kill time until the agreed-upon time for the visit. No doubt Little Red was expecting Alice to arrive via taxi. The look on Little Red's face when Alice and I stepped out of the smoke portal was priceless. After seeing that, it took no time at all to convince Little Red that Wonderland was real. As befitting already known aspects of her personality, Little Red did not waste any time in being rude: "You're Alice? Ummmm... I was expecting..." Alice cut her short: "You were expecting a young, thin, blue-eyed blonde. Sorry to disappoint you." I quickly intervened to head off a possible spitting contest and suggested that an immediate trip to Wonderland might be a good idea. Little Red's eyes brightened: "You mean we can all go back to Wonderland the way you came?" "Of course," said Alice. "Have bong, let's travel!" Poof!
With the unsuspecting Little Red now in Wonderland, Alice and I put our devious plan into action. We had arranged an outdoor tea party for Little Red at Hatter's residence. It was our plan to get Hatter and Little Red drunk out of their skulls together in the hope that Hatter might mistake Little Red for Alice – and that Little Red might mistake Hatter for a handsome, charming fellow. Period brandy goggles, you might say. Bill the Lizard had already transported two dozen bottles of Alice's extra-potent period brandy to the Hatter's outdoor tables. Everything was ready. Among his many talents, Hatter was quite a good cook.
In the meantime, until the tea party, Alice and I took Little Red on a tour of Wonderland. First on our list was the Land of Fire and Ice which is just outside of Caterpillar's Oracle Cave. We thought that this was a good starting point as the realization that there were still some dangerous creatures in Wonderland would ensure that Little Red would not wander off alone later. Sure enough, shortly after we stepped out of Caterpillar's Oracle Cave, a pair of boojums swooped down on us. Alice tossed me the ice wand and whipped out her Bowie knife. The showoff! One toss and one of the boojums went up in flames. I nailed the other one with a stream of ice. I was glad that Alice was willing to let me use the ice wand instead of saddling me with some other weapon. It was easy to kill boojums with the ice wand. She had already made a permanent gift of the croquet mallet to me.
She was also considering giving me the jackbomb. The rumor around Wonderland was that Alice hated the jackbomb because she scorched her eyebrows off every time she used it. During Wonderland's Civil War nearly thirty years ago, Alice had even once set her dress on fire while fighting the Tweedle brothers. Alice had to strip the dress off in the middle of combat. The two Tweedles were so mesmerized by the sight of Alice in her lingerie that they start discussing her scrawniness and failed to notice that she had set a jackbomb directly underneath both of their enormous tushies. BOOM! Bye-bye Tweedles. Yup, Alice scorched her eyebrows off. She was quite a sight as she straggled back into the gnome village. She was so bony back in those days that none of the gnome men bothered to stare. The gnome women tailors giggled non-stop as they hastily cut another dress for Alice. They made several extra dresses for Alice to take with her - "just in case."
Anyway, after the boojum scare, Little Red stuck very close to Alice and me. At the border between the Land of Fire and Ice and Wonderland Woods, Alice and I both noticed that Little Red was dripping. This was so convenient that if I had planned it I would have thought I was a genius. During the boojum attack, Little Red had wet herself.
Alice led Little Red and me back to our house with Mr. White and Bill the Lizard back in the old mining village of Pandemonium. After wiping down Little Red with old newspapers - yuck! - Alice took Little Red into a storage closet that had her old dresses. Alice whipped out a size two and Little Red stared. "That used to be yours?" Little Red looked Alice up and down incredulously. "Yes," said Alice, smirking a bit, "I was once as bony and boyish-looking as you." Alice was not the least bit embarrassed. "Thank God those days are over!" said Alice. Little Red's jaw dropped. Little Red couldn't believe that any woman would dislike being a bony stick figure. I had a terrible time suppressing the hysterical laughter that kept threatening to escape me. Needless to say, Alice's old size two dresses fit Little Red perfectly. Little Red looked so much like the old Alice that we figured that Hatter, once drunk, would never be able to tell the difference.
We hustled Little Red into an outdoor shower and left the dress and some of Alice's old lingerie draped over a chair. Couldn't send her off to the Hatter smelling of pee, now, could we? Once Little Red had scrubbed off her accident and gotten dressed, we started to skip down the path to Hatter's. "It's off to see the Hatter! He's got all the charm of a toad!" sang Alice.
We arrived at Hatter's home at dusk to find some outdoor lights wired up at Hatter's outdoor dining area. The table was all set. The bottles of Alice's period brandy were everywhere. Let the drunkenness begin! Alice began with an explanation of the ways of Wonderland:
"There is no currency in Wonderland. We all have our roles to play in this society. Hatter, here, runs just about everything technical in Wonderland. He runs the electricity plant, the water treatment plant, the wastewater treatment plant, and he maintains the few telephone cables that we've run down here from the world above. For example, I have Wonderland's only internet connection. As far as I know, there are no telephones in Wonderland. Nobody really seems to want one. Arianne, here, works at Hatter's water treatment plant. I work with Mr. White and Bill the Lizard to produce all of Wonderland's brandy. The bottles you see on the table are my own special recipe. The gnomes work in Hatter's treatment plants and do many other things also. All of the clothing in Wonderland is hand-made by the gnomes. There are also several laundries in the gnome village. Everyone has a place to live and everyone has a task to fulfill in our society. No one is left out. No one is excluded. Wonderland probably looks primitive to you, but in terms of social arrangements, I believe that Wonderland has advanced far beyond the world uptop."
Hatter passed out plates of sauteed mushrooms and bowls of walnuts. There were raw vegetables from Mr. White's garden. There was a plate of goat cheese from the gnome village. Bowls of fresh fruit adorned the table. Little Red looked around the table. "No meat?" she asked. "Nope," I told her, "In Wonderland, we're all vegetarians whether we like it or not. That's one reason why everyone here is skinny." Little Red eyed Alice and commented, "Not everyone." Alice stared Little Red straight back in the eye and grinned. "Have some brandy?" Alice asked Little Red. She was already plotting. I could see it in that evil grin of hers. When Alice grins, run for your life!
Little Red proceeded to make the biggest mistake of her life. She accepted the brandy. Alice's brandy. Alice's period brandy. Alice's 140-proof-knock-you-on-your-ass brandy. Little Red didn't notice a thing. Smooth as a silk cushion Alice's period brandy was. It was always the same. You didn't know you were drunk until you passed out. Hatter didn't know the brandy was Alice's period brandy, either. The drunker Hatter and Little Red got, the better they looked to each other. Alice's period brandy could make even old Mr. White look sexy. The period brandy goggles on Hatter and Little Red were working overtime. Alice thought it was time to go fetch the gnome priest and took off toward the gnome village.
By the time Alice got back, Hatter was calling Little Red "Alice" and Little Red was too blitzed to notice. The two giggled nonstop. If I hadn't been drunk myself, I think I would have puked. I had witnessed it all. Needless to say, Hatter paid no attention to me at all for a reason that I've already mentioned. I motioned to Alice to send the gnome priest in and she stayed out of sight to avoid destroying Hatter's hallucination that Little Red was the old, skinny Alice.
The deed was done, and Alice and I both quietly made our exits. Revenge is a dish best served pickled.
The next morning, Alice and I both awoke to the sound of a blood-curdling, window-rattling, eardrum-shattering screech. Alice spoke first: "I think Little Red just noticed the wedding ring. Guess I better e-mail her web site that Little Red won't be coming home."
I informed Cheshire that the deed was done and off he skipped singing:
The Hatter is all hitched!
To an incredibly nasty witch!
He thought that she was Alice,
And he took her to his palace.
He's such an amazing dope!
To have fallen for such a joke!
It's sad that his bride so new
Is such a nasty shrew!
Three days later, Little Red, wearing one of Alice's old dresses, fled up the Rabbit Hole in the middle of the afternoon. I'm sure the insane asylum employees saw her and mistook her for Alice. I wonder what she's doing now?
The End
This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) holds the rights.