Title: Loneliness
Author: Tahlia (tahlialerray@yahoo.com)
Pairings: reference to 5+Meilan, 5+?
Warnings: Spoilers for Wufei's episode zero
Feedback: Always helps a suffering ego.
Author's Note: This is just a short little POV. I thought I'd write
about my personal take on why Wufei is the way he is.
Loneliness is a horrible void into which I have fallen. There seems to be no escape. Even if there were, I doubt the eagerness with which I would pursue that endeavor. As much as this aching void torments me as it eats my humanity piece by piece, I am too much of a coward to join back into reality's cruel game. As long as I keep distance between myself and the other so called humans in this vast universe, I will never be disappointed again. I won't be hurt again.
The real world from which I seem to hide is not the stupendous thing that people make it out to be. Humans are weak little bugs asking for someone to crush them. Only a sparse few ever stand up and tempt the fates with their defiance of 'the way things are' in their society; those precious few more often than not depart this existence sooner than the suicidal bugs.
Would things have been easier for me had I not come across one of the exceptions of humanity? Maybe so. I would be living on in blissful ignorance of how pathetic we all truly are. Some say ignorance is bliss, but I disagree. I would rather know more than enough to drive me from my mind than live in a swirling realm of naiveté.
That's what I once was, naive. I fear I still am in so many aspects that I will die before ridding myself of this pathetic state. I once thought I knew everything that I possibly could, and would strive to learn of the things I did not already posses a complete knowledge of. I was a scholar, and I delighted in reading of various subjects, becoming learned in all topics available to me. I learned more than what books could teach me as well. I enjoyed physical exertion and became skilled martial arts as well as various sports commonly played on my colony. For my soul I turned to spiritual learning. I never devoted myself to any religion, but I did study many of them, making sure I was acquainted with many different cultures'' beliefs. I turned to meditation to enhance my control over various aspects of my own self as well as a method of escape from the trials and tribulations life seems to provide from all of us. I was well on my way to what I considered as perfect an existence I could attain.
My journey to perfection was violently interrupted by my clan's archaic belief in the continuance of their line. I suppose animal nature is the driving force behind this need to continue the race, but it is human nature that provides the pride to believe that you must continue your own line to further enhance the gene pool. I was forced to marry, and I did so with all the honor and respect I could.
My wife and I were a prime example of how asinine arranged marriages could truly be. We were polar opposites, different in every possible way, or so I thought. I later discovered how similar we really were. We fought about every subject under the sun. She found me to be a poor specimen of a man, believing herself to be more of a man than I. She found my peaceful ways and constant studying infuriating. She tried to force her beliefs on me every opportunity available to her, and still I refused her ways of thinking and belittled them with disparaging remarks.
Never did she suppose that I had a great deal of respect for her. Women on my colony were subservient weaklings. They were there for the sheer purpose of breeding and to prove the men of the colony superior. I was filled with such disdain for the situation that I avoided all women as often as possible. I could not understand how anyone could allow themselves to be treated in such a degrading fashion. Meilan, my wife, was an outright contradiction to the stereotype in which I placed all women. She was outspoken, opinionated, and strong in will as well as heart. She contrasted with what I knew of women so dramatically, that when she would rail about how she should have been born a man so that she would never have had to marry a weakling such as myself, I agreed wholeheartedly.
Her opinion that I was a weak little school boy didn't abate even after I had prevailed in a sparring match between us. On recollection, I realize I should not have let her bait me into such a barbaric fray. I should have restrained myself, but her taunts and barbs had worn thin on my nerves. I suppose I thought that it would finally earn myself respect in her eyes, put an end to the petty squabbles we engaged in daily, but the torment continued. She seemed more spiteful, angered that I would choose to ignore my skills of combat while our people suffered.
We continued on in this destructive pattern for less than a year. Our colony came under attack, and she immediately set off to fight. This was the opportunity she had been waiting for, to show me and the rest of our colony that women could be just as good if not better then men. My respect for her grew with this brazen action, but still I set off to protect her. I was her husband, and as such, I felt a deep responsibility to guard her life, with my own if necessary. I followed after her, but I was unable to prevent her untimely demise. Before she died, she asked me if she had proved herself worthy as my wife. I admitted for the first time that she was stronger than anyone I had met. She told me I was stronger than her right before she died. I held her dead body in my arms and vowed to avenge her death.
I took up her cause, that ridiculous Gundam. Its name was Shenlong, but I referred to it only as Nataku, the name meaning strength that she had adopted from Chinese mythology. I journeyed to earth and began to fight with her passion, trying to honor her memory.
When I met the other pilots on earth, I distanced them from myself. I distanced myself from everyone around me. I told myself that none of them could compare to Meilan, but I knew the true reason I kept everyone at a distance was because I couldn't allow them to become close to me for fear of forgetting my purpose. As long as I suffered alone, her memory burned brightly within myself.
Somehow, my defenses slipped a tiny fraction. I let one of the pilots get close enough to show me that humanity was not as bad as I told myself it had to be, as I still tell myself today. I pushed him away as quickly as possible and I have recovered from his interference as best as I could, though I fear his influence has changed me beyond my own comprehension because, somewhere along the line, her cause became my own. I fought for more than just her. I fought for the colonies. I fought for the other pilots I had met, especially the one who had penetrated my defenses. I fought for myself.
I have effectively shoved everyone away again. It is lonely, but it is a suffering I must undergo for fear of getting lost in this ceaseless war. If I loose track of why I fight, I will loose everything. This is all I allow myself to know. If I live to see the end of this war, I dread my awaited reaction. I cannot ponder things so far ahead. I must focus on here and now. That is my only salvation, my only peace. Dreams of the future are left to those who have one.
-fini-
Author: Tahlia (tahlialerray@yahoo.com)
Pairings: reference to 5+Meilan, 5+?
Warnings: Spoilers for Wufei's episode zero
Feedback: Always helps a suffering ego.
Author's Note: This is just a short little POV. I thought I'd write
about my personal take on why Wufei is the way he is.
Loneliness is a horrible void into which I have fallen. There seems to be no escape. Even if there were, I doubt the eagerness with which I would pursue that endeavor. As much as this aching void torments me as it eats my humanity piece by piece, I am too much of a coward to join back into reality's cruel game. As long as I keep distance between myself and the other so called humans in this vast universe, I will never be disappointed again. I won't be hurt again.
The real world from which I seem to hide is not the stupendous thing that people make it out to be. Humans are weak little bugs asking for someone to crush them. Only a sparse few ever stand up and tempt the fates with their defiance of 'the way things are' in their society; those precious few more often than not depart this existence sooner than the suicidal bugs.
Would things have been easier for me had I not come across one of the exceptions of humanity? Maybe so. I would be living on in blissful ignorance of how pathetic we all truly are. Some say ignorance is bliss, but I disagree. I would rather know more than enough to drive me from my mind than live in a swirling realm of naiveté.
That's what I once was, naive. I fear I still am in so many aspects that I will die before ridding myself of this pathetic state. I once thought I knew everything that I possibly could, and would strive to learn of the things I did not already posses a complete knowledge of. I was a scholar, and I delighted in reading of various subjects, becoming learned in all topics available to me. I learned more than what books could teach me as well. I enjoyed physical exertion and became skilled martial arts as well as various sports commonly played on my colony. For my soul I turned to spiritual learning. I never devoted myself to any religion, but I did study many of them, making sure I was acquainted with many different cultures'' beliefs. I turned to meditation to enhance my control over various aspects of my own self as well as a method of escape from the trials and tribulations life seems to provide from all of us. I was well on my way to what I considered as perfect an existence I could attain.
My journey to perfection was violently interrupted by my clan's archaic belief in the continuance of their line. I suppose animal nature is the driving force behind this need to continue the race, but it is human nature that provides the pride to believe that you must continue your own line to further enhance the gene pool. I was forced to marry, and I did so with all the honor and respect I could.
My wife and I were a prime example of how asinine arranged marriages could truly be. We were polar opposites, different in every possible way, or so I thought. I later discovered how similar we really were. We fought about every subject under the sun. She found me to be a poor specimen of a man, believing herself to be more of a man than I. She found my peaceful ways and constant studying infuriating. She tried to force her beliefs on me every opportunity available to her, and still I refused her ways of thinking and belittled them with disparaging remarks.
Never did she suppose that I had a great deal of respect for her. Women on my colony were subservient weaklings. They were there for the sheer purpose of breeding and to prove the men of the colony superior. I was filled with such disdain for the situation that I avoided all women as often as possible. I could not understand how anyone could allow themselves to be treated in such a degrading fashion. Meilan, my wife, was an outright contradiction to the stereotype in which I placed all women. She was outspoken, opinionated, and strong in will as well as heart. She contrasted with what I knew of women so dramatically, that when she would rail about how she should have been born a man so that she would never have had to marry a weakling such as myself, I agreed wholeheartedly.
Her opinion that I was a weak little school boy didn't abate even after I had prevailed in a sparring match between us. On recollection, I realize I should not have let her bait me into such a barbaric fray. I should have restrained myself, but her taunts and barbs had worn thin on my nerves. I suppose I thought that it would finally earn myself respect in her eyes, put an end to the petty squabbles we engaged in daily, but the torment continued. She seemed more spiteful, angered that I would choose to ignore my skills of combat while our people suffered.
We continued on in this destructive pattern for less than a year. Our colony came under attack, and she immediately set off to fight. This was the opportunity she had been waiting for, to show me and the rest of our colony that women could be just as good if not better then men. My respect for her grew with this brazen action, but still I set off to protect her. I was her husband, and as such, I felt a deep responsibility to guard her life, with my own if necessary. I followed after her, but I was unable to prevent her untimely demise. Before she died, she asked me if she had proved herself worthy as my wife. I admitted for the first time that she was stronger than anyone I had met. She told me I was stronger than her right before she died. I held her dead body in my arms and vowed to avenge her death.
I took up her cause, that ridiculous Gundam. Its name was Shenlong, but I referred to it only as Nataku, the name meaning strength that she had adopted from Chinese mythology. I journeyed to earth and began to fight with her passion, trying to honor her memory.
When I met the other pilots on earth, I distanced them from myself. I distanced myself from everyone around me. I told myself that none of them could compare to Meilan, but I knew the true reason I kept everyone at a distance was because I couldn't allow them to become close to me for fear of forgetting my purpose. As long as I suffered alone, her memory burned brightly within myself.
Somehow, my defenses slipped a tiny fraction. I let one of the pilots get close enough to show me that humanity was not as bad as I told myself it had to be, as I still tell myself today. I pushed him away as quickly as possible and I have recovered from his interference as best as I could, though I fear his influence has changed me beyond my own comprehension because, somewhere along the line, her cause became my own. I fought for more than just her. I fought for the colonies. I fought for the other pilots I had met, especially the one who had penetrated my defenses. I fought for myself.
I have effectively shoved everyone away again. It is lonely, but it is a suffering I must undergo for fear of getting lost in this ceaseless war. If I loose track of why I fight, I will loose everything. This is all I allow myself to know. If I live to see the end of this war, I dread my awaited reaction. I cannot ponder things so far ahead. I must focus on here and now. That is my only salvation, my only peace. Dreams of the future are left to those who have one.
-fini-