Disclaimer: Criminal Minds and it's characters don't belong to me I'm just borrowing them. Please don't sue!
The trip home from St. Louis was subdued, as many of the flights home were. The agents were either catching up on missed sleep, mulling over inner thoughts, trying to unwind in their own way, or getting started on the next case. At the end of the couch seat, Derek Morgan sat, his head bobbing slightly in time with the music from his ipod, the dark-skinned profiler found himself looking around the cabin of the plane at his fellow agents.
JJ and Prentiss were sitting across from each other at the group of four seats. From where he sat it appeared that both female agents were asleep. Beyond them, Rossi sat with his back toward Morgan. From his vantage point the dark-skinned profiler couldn't tell if the elder agent was asleep or not. Hotch, however, was clearly awake. The unit chief had paperwork spread out on the table before him. Morgan knew Hotch was either starting the reports necessary to wrap up this case or searching for their next case.
Morgan let his gaze drift to his left, where Reid occupied the rest of the couch seat. The younger agent was lying on his side, knees bent while his head rested on his messenger bag. His left hand was tucked underneath his chin but Morgan noticed the younger man wasn't sleeping. Even in the dim light of the airplane's cabin, Morgan could see the troubled look that Reid wore. Reaching up, Morgan removed his headphones, settling them around his neck.
"You okay, Kid?" Morgan asked softly, not wanting to draw the attention of any of their teammates.
"What?" Reid replied, shifting his head slightly to look up at Morgan.
"I was just asking if you were alright? I would have thought you would be asleep by now."
"Can't sleep."
Morgan studied the face of his friend. None of the normal signs that Reid was suffering from one of his headaches were there. Since the younger man had confided in Morgan about them, the older man had come to recognize certain indicators about Reid's expression and behaviors. Just because he didn't see any of those signs didn't mean that wasn't the explanation for his friend's troubled expression and sleeplessness.
"Do you have one of your headaches?"
"No. It's not that," Reid replied. Apparently feeling that his first answer wasn't being believed he added, "really."
"Then what's troubling you?"
"Nothing. I'm fine."
Morgan wasn't about to be put off so easily. Reid's customary answer for just about everything was the word fine. Hell, the kid had said he was fine right after getting shot in the knee a couple of years ago.
"Come on, Kid. This is me you're talking to."
Reid gave a heavy sigh as he sat up. Sitting sideways, one foot resting on the floor while the other was bent in front of him on the seat, Reid held Morgan's gaze as he tried to put into words the jumble of thoughts and feelings that were playing through his head.
"I guess I've been thinking about George Kelling," Reid replied quietly.
~Ah hell, this isn't going to be good,~ Morgan though. This wasn't the first time that Reid had identified with an UnSub in some way because the case hit a little too close to home for the younger agent. It happened to them all, but Morgan knew from past experience that Reid had a little bit harder time with letting it go than most other agents and law enforcement personnel that he had worked with.
As Morgan thought about the case, about what Garcia had told them about the UnSub, Morgan wondered why he hadn't seen this coming. There were quite a few things that would hit close to home for the younger agent. Morgan recalled Reid's somber explanation of the cycle of depression and it's effect on the living environment. Reid had once confided in him the bouts of depression that his mother had suffered because of her illness. Diana Reid's struggles with her illness hadn't always made her a strong parental figure in her son's life, much like the mother's that this UnSub had been targeting. Much like Kelling's own mother, who had attempted suicide several times. The parallels didn't end there either. Like Kelling's father, Reid's Dad had walked out on his wife and son. It was a betrayal that Morgan knew Reid hadn't gotten over yet. Then there had been the second mother, the drug addict who was suffering from withdrawal. Symptoms that Morgan and Reid both knew well due to an experience that hit too close to home for Morgan to even want to dwell on.
"What about the UnSub, Kid?" Morgan asked, holding Reid's gaze. He may have missed the connections before but he wasn't about to let the subject go now. Wasn't about to let Reid internalize everything. He had made that mistake before. Had brushed Reid's struggles off too simply and to this day he didn't like to think about what had resulted from doing that. ~I won't do that again.~
"Well it sort of goes back to the debate about nature vs. nurture. Was it in George Kelling's genetic make-up to be a killer or did his environment play a role in that development? If you believe the nurture side of that particular debate, then how close was I to turning out just like him?"
"No, Kid. I don't think it could have ever been you," Morgan told him, looking straight into the eyes of the young man setting in front of him. "I guess maybe I fall more on the nature side of that debate but I've got to believe that while the people and experiences in our lives may help to shape who we are they can't change who we are. Put in the same exact situation, two people are going to react differently. Siblings, raised by the same parents, or parent, turn out differently."
"I want to believe that."
"Kid, look at you and me. Neither one of us had the ideal childhood but we both turned out okay. Granted, I ran into a bit of trouble along the way, but just because things weren't perfect at home, I didn't turn into a killer. I took stock of where I was, and where I was going, and decided that it wasn't where I wanted to be. Kelling had that choice too, and he chose to lash out at the person whom he held responsible for where he was at."
"His father had walked out on him. His mother had attempted suicide several times before that. One could argue that he may have felt abandoned by her too. If she had been a more stabilizing force in his life than perhaps he would have stood a chance."
"What about your own mother? Can you honestly tell me that she was always a stabilizing force in your life? You told me of a least one time that she didn't even realize you were late coming home and you were what - twelve?"
"My mother loves me, even if her disease doesn't always allow her to show that," Reid said defensively. "And I love her, Morgan. Just because I committed her to Bennington doesn't mean I don't love her. I just didn't know how to help her anymore."
Morgan reached out to lay his hand on Reid's arm. The younger man flinched at the touch and Morgan withdrew his hand. "Reid, I didn't mean it that way. I've no doubt that the two of you love each other, but there were times that your mother's disease took her away from you and my point is that you, at ten years old, chose to do your best to look out for her. Kelling could have made that choice himself and he didn't."
"She told him he was weak," Reid said softly, looking down at his hands, which he now had folded in his lap in front of him.
"What?" Morgan asked, confused by the reply.
"When my father left, my mother accused him of being weak. I wanted to prove to her that I wasn't because I hated him for leaving. Even now, when I know his reasoning for walking out on us, I still hate him for abandoning us. I haven't been able to bring myself to forgive him for walking out of my life. For being so close those years when I was struggling to look out for myself but my mother two at times. He asked me to forgive him after that case, and I couldn't do it? I couldn't forgive my own father, Morgan."
"But would you actually push him off a bridge?"
Reid's head snapped up. "Of course not!" he replied. Morgan could see how appalled he was by the idea.
"Right there's your answer, Kid. You and Kelling may have experienced a similar childhood - a father who walked out on you and a mother who wasn't always there for you - but the similarities end there. Kelling chose to blame his parents for the cards he was dealt and lash out but you didn't take that path. Instead, you took responsibly for your own life and did what was necessary for not only your own survival but your mother's too and you didn't stop there. You chose to dedicate your life to helping people."
"One could argue that Kelling made that choice when he chose his profession too, and then perverted it. Used it as a way to lash out at the memory of his mother who abandoned him."
"I seem to remember an agent who walked onto a train with an armed psychotic to remove a nonexistent chip to try to save a fellow agent and other hostages. An agent who tried to reason with a man with a bomb trying to save one girl that he had never met. He regretted shooting someone who had drugged and tortured him so that he could survive. An agent who walked up to a teenager he identified with who had a gun and blocked his teammates from covering him, because he was trying to save the bottom line is, you care about people. Despite everything that you have been through, Kid, you still put others before yourself. That is what makes you entirely different from Kelling."
Morgan saw the thoughtful look that came across Reid's face as he considered the older man's words. Eventually, the corners of the genius' mouth turned up slightly in a small smile. Morgan remembered another conversation that had ended in much the same way not long after the Hankel case. Given what had happened following that conversation, Morgan had often wondered if he could have changed things if he hadn't let things end there.
Morgan reached out to place his hand on Reid's arm again. Reid didn't flinch this time, but instead looked down briefly at the dark hand resting on his arm and the turned his gaze up at its owner.
"Are you okay now, Kid?" Morgan asked, his gaze locking with Reid's as he asked the question.
The younger man nodded. "Yeah. Thanks," Reid replied.
"Anytime you need to talk, Reid."
Reid nodded as he softly replied, "I know how to get in touch with you."
Morgan nodded. As Reid laid back down, Morgan pulled his headphones back on, and pressed the play button on his ipod. As the music once again filled his ears, he glanced down at his younger teammate once again. Reid had assumed much the same position he had been in before their conversation but his eyes were closed now. As Morgan watched, he watched the peaceful look of sleep wash over Reid's face, and only then did he start to feel a bit at ease and hoped that this case truly was behind them.