"Gaaaaaah!" Jack screamed, his heart racing. He didn't know when he'd ever experienced fear quite like this.
"What? What?"
"Keep your eyes on the road!" he barked, reaching for the steering wheel as the semi-trailer whizzed by them with only inches to spare.
"But you told me to shoulder check!" Kim turned back in her seat.
"Not with your whole body!" Jack tried to calm down. "I'm sorry, Sweetpea. Just, geez."
"Will you relax? I know what I'm doing."
"You're as bad as your mother." He winced inwardly at the memory.
"Mom?" Kim looked at him, interested. "Did you teach her how to drive?"
"Watch out!" His arm shot out to brace himself against the dashboard as his foot pounded the floorboards, searching for the brake that wasn't there. They stopped just shy of the bumper of the car in front.
"Maybe we should get off the freeway for a little while," Jack managed. "Take the next exit."
Kim directed the car into the exit lane and onto a surface street without incident.
"Pull over here," Jack indicated a Starbucks. After a few attempts, Kim got the SUV into a parking stall without hitting anything. "Could you get me a half-caff, double-tall cappuccino with a non-fat soy blend and a shot of vanilla?"
Kim boggled at him. "A what?"
"A half-caff, double-tall cappuccino with a non-fat soy blend and a shot of vanilla. Please." He took out his wallet and handed her his Starbucks card. "Get yourself something as well. To stay."
"I thought you liked Americanos?"
"Please, Kim. Just get me what I asked." He knew he probably wouldn't drink the coffee, but it would take a while to make, and he needed a moment.
"Whatever." She shrugged and unlatched her seatbelt. She paused as she opened the door. "Aren't you coming?"
"I'll be there in a minute." She left and he slumped against the door. He flexed his fingers a few times, trying to the get circulation back. He'd been holding on to the door handle pretty tight. He threw his head back against the headrest and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He imagined he was on a beach somewhere. Gentle waves, sunshine. Jack opened his eyes and got out, walking calmly into the café.
Kim had snagged a table while she waited for their drinks.
"Tall-for-here-half-caff-double-tall-percent/soy-cappucinno-with-vanilla and a for here tall Americano," the barista called out. Jack fetched the drinks and set them on the table.
Kim put her hands out and switched them.
"Needed some time, huh?"
Jack shot her a sheepish look. She was grinning. "There is no way you'd drink this shit."
"Hey! Language, Kimberly," he admonished half-heartedly. "Thanks." He sipped his coffee and rested it back on the table, running his hands through his short blond hair. "Gaaaah."
She laughed. "I thought you were supposed to be a tough guy."
"You have no idea." He smiled.
"So," Kim took a tentative sip. It was actually okay. "Tell me about teaching Mom to drive."
He cocked an eyebrow. "You sure?"
She nodded. "I have my good days and bad days. And you guys didn't really tell me much about how you got together," she paused. "Or maybe I just never really listened," she admitted.
He snorted softly. "Yeah." He leaned forward, getting comfortable in his chair. "Well, she was 17 when I met her, so she already knew how to drive, but she'd learned on an automatic. I had a little red Honda Civic, and she thought it would be fun to drive a standard shift." He rolled his eyes.
It was a relief to talk about her. It was such a relief to have a good day for a change. Like maybe he and Kim could find some way to be a family, to survive this. Not that it was okay. It would never be okay. But they were still here and maybe they might find a way to live.
"I took her out on some back roads to get started. She did okay, although I knew right away I'd have to start saving for a new clutch. Then we hit the city. Red lights were the worst. I kept trying to help her, and she got madder and madder. She wanted to do it herself." He paused and glanced at his daughter. "Stubbornness runs in the family, I guess."
"Really." She raised an eyebrow back at him.
"Anyway, we got to one red light on a hill. In a standard, you have to use the hand break and let go at just the right time, so both feet can be on the peddles," he explained. "Your mom kept putting it into second instead of first, and kept letting go of the break too soon, then stalling." He started to laugh. "We were sliding further and further back from the light. Good thing there wasn't any traffic." He shook his head. "Poor thing. I tried to tell her, but she just kept telling me to shut up."
"So what happened?"
"Finally we'd slid all the way to the bottom of the hill, and she was able to get going in second. We made it to the top of the hill, but the light turned red again. She was so mad, she got out of the car."
"She got out of the car?" Kim was laughing, she could picture it.
"Yeah." Jack shook his head ruefully. "I had to scramble over to the driver's side and pull over. She was standing there in the middle of the road, screaming at me. I had to get her out of there before she got killed." He stopped, realizing what he'd said.
"I'm sorry, Baby." He muttered, beating himself up inside.
Kim nodded, sniffling and raising her head to look away. "Yeah."
Jack reached for her hand on the table, but she pulled away.
"It's just hard, you know?" She looked at him with full eyes. "I miss her so much." Her tears overflowed and she pushed them away with her open palm.
He swallowed. "Yeah, Sweetheart. I do." He dropped his head and wiped his own eyes with the back of his hand. "I know."
"I miss her too."
The silence built up between them like the fog rolling in, grey and cold.
Jack cleared his throat. "I wasn't much older than you when my mother died."
Her eyes were daggers. "Was she killed because of your father's work?"
Jack took a moment to make allowances. Someone had to be the adult here, and everything pointed to him. "In a way, I guess she was."
He drew a deep breath. "My dad was just starting out with BXJ, and money was pretty tight. We didn't have health insurance, and Dad was travelling a lot, covering expenses on his own credit cards until the invoices were paid. When my mom was diagnosed, there wasn't even any room on the cards to start treatment. The house already had a double mortgage. There was nothing. Really, nothing. We were living on spaghetti."
Through the window he could see a couple of mothers with strollers walking away with their coffees, chatting and laughing. He turned back to Kim. "Ironically, if it had been six months later, she would have got the help she needed. Dad got his first really big contract, and he was rolling in it." He paused. It hadn't occurred to him before, but now he wondered. Was there really a contract, or had it been the insurance money? Could his father have… Jack pushed the thought from his mind.
He looked at Kim steadily. "It wasn't the same," he said softly. "I know that."
Kim looked away. "Yeah."
"Kim," his eyes were pleading as he leaned forward, trying to catch her gaze. "I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted you to go through what I went through."
"Daddy?" She faced him.
"Yes?"
"Can I ask you something?" She shifted uncomfortably.
He titled his head. "Of course, Sweetheart. Anything."
"When I was with the Drazens, they said, well, they said you'd killed a bunch of people. They said you weren't who I thought you were."
He couldn't look at her. He stared at his hands on the table in front of him. They looked like anyone else's hands. The blood on them wasn't visible. It had seeped through his skin and become a part of him. "I've done some things I wish I hadn't had to," he said quietly. "Some of them have turned out to be the wrong things." His right hand flexed and the empty coffee cup crumpled. "But sometimes I haven't had a choice."
It was Kim's turn to look away. She sniffled and rubbed her nose with a napkin. "Are you going back there?"
He gave a short breath through his nose and twisted the corner of his mouth. "I don't know. I'm good at it. I was good at it. I'm not ready for it right now. I really don't know, Kim."
"I want to move out."
The words hit him like a sucker punch, and he shook his head, trying to get oriented. "Move out?"
"I found a job."
"A job? What kind of a job?" he still didn't have his footing. His world was sliding away from him too fast.
She nodded. "As an au pair. That's like a nanny," she explained.
"I know what it is, Kim." He could hear his voice starting to rise. A woman at the next table looked over at him, turning away quickly when she caught his eye. "You're sixteen years old! You can't move out," he hissed.
"I'm almost 17, Dad. If I get my driver's licence, I can have this job."
"What about school?" He was almost shouting again.
Kim leaned back and crossed her arms defiantly. "Screw school."
"Well, that's a great attitude." He tossed his crumpled cup into the garbage can behind her without getting up.
"I can't go back there, Dad. All the kids whisper about Janet, and it just all seems so pointless."
Jack's father bear instincts kicked in. She seemed so fragile. He wanted to protect her. He should have protected her from this. He sighed and ran his hand over his face, pulling it into an even deeper frown. "Okay, listen. Let's think about it, alright?"
"I've thought about it, Dad. I just – I just can't stay with you in the house. It's too hard. She's everywhere." Kim was crying again. "I just want to feel normal again."
Jack moved to the chair next to her and folded her in his arms. His hands smoothed her hair as he tucked her head into his chest and kissed the top of her head. "I know, Baby, I know." He closed his eyes, smelling her head the way he used to when she was new and innocent. He wanted to stay like that a long time.