His heart was racing as he closed the apartment door behind him.
Hatsumode did not go as expected.
When Chizu had called him, she led him to believe it was going to be a small get-together with the family, seeing his best friend, giving the young ones a hard time, and then back to the warmth of his apartment. Now, instead, he found himself in a deep philosophical debate with himself while picking his way around the dirty clothes and dishes he had left around his place.
Why hadn't he cleaned up this place? Kuronuma had warned him the spirits would return if he let his place get messy again. Or was that Yano? He hesitated. All he wanted was a place to sit down and think through this internal mess while somehow managing to not think about Yano at the same time. He ran his hands through his stiff, spiked hair while scanning his room. His chair was covered in unfolded clothes, and he really didn't have anywhere else to sit. Thank goodness he'd left his futon out (who was he kidding, he always left his futon out).
He lay there awhile, staring up at the ceiling waiting for his heart to calm down enough for him to think rationally. What had he done, had he been inappropriate with his affection? Why hadn't he been aware of his underlying predilections? They were there and quite substantial now that he noticed them. It hadn't been until today, when she looked at him, after removing her mask, and he thought to himself "She's cute" that he realized it was a common knee-jerk reaction he had when face to face with her. It had put him on edge, barking at her to quit staring at him, because he wasn't thinking "she's cute" like he thought of all the other students in his care, where their youth, drive, and vitality had a way of making them all rather pleasant to be around in one fashion or another, but, "she's cute", as in, at that moment of weakness, or clarity, or whatever you want to call it, he saw a thousand moments with her. First dates, first kisses, taking the train to J-University in Tokyo to see her, traveling overseas together either through his job or hers, marriage, first apartment, first child, and on they went. It frightened him. A lot. And now, what was he going to do?
There was nothing he could do with his new-found feelings, he was not in a position to act on them, no matter what. There was no one he could really talk to about this either. Torhu would NOT understand, or he would, a little too much and everyone else he knew was way to close to Yano or her friends. He was her teacher and she was his student. He would not cross those boundaries or break those rules no matter how he felt.
And how did he feel? Exhausted for one, elated for another, concerned at his own lack of emotional control now that he'd realized how differently he looked at Yano, how differently he thought about her. He recalled telling that one girl to get over her crush on him because it would never happen, she was just a kid. And he recalled telling Yano and Chizu to make sure they did not develop a crush on him either. He failed to have this discussion with himself it seemed, but 15 year old Yano and 18 year old Yano were miles apart in maturity and understanding, though he still felt rather upset with himself that he was here now, with these feelings that went well beyond simple affection.
Would it really be so bad, waiting till she was done with high school? Stop! Not a road he needed to travel down at all. That was his answer, really. To stop. She was his student, he was her teacher. At least for three more months. He would show up at school, act like he always has, bicker with her, keep the status quo, and not address this whole mutual attraction thing, because, he was many things, but unobservant wasn't one. It appeared she didn't take his advice 3 years ago either and had developed something beyond an affection for him. He hoped he hadn't encouraged it, but memories of their interactions over the last three years came flooding back to him. There was the time she got him candy because no one saved any for him, the time she ran into him in the hallway on their trip to Okinawa, the time he hit on her thinking she was the tour guide..the times he'd hit on her thinking she was an available woman…there were too many of those times. Eating ramen with her, walking home with her, encouraging her to date Kent, the festival, Valentines day. He groaned while rubbing his hands down his face. He'd asked her to feed him on Valentine's day. And when she broke up with Kent, he was angry, but a little relieved. Kent hadn't been right for her, he was too content with the status quo, Yano was not. And when Pin had rescued her in the rain, all he had wanted to do was to take her to his place, dry her off, yell at her some more, encourage her after and send her on her way, but he knew she needed her friends more. Their meeting in the train station, their most recent Christmas Eve interactions, all of it pointed to the both of them crossing lines they didn't even realize they'd crossed. And here he was, with a heart full of affection and desire and a headache. A headache that was pounding in rhythm with the knocking on the door.
Stumbling back through the obstacle course of messiness, he pulled open the door only to come face to face with Yano. She was still bundled in her coat and scarf and the red blush of a chilly winter afternoon highlighted her nose and cheeks and Pin found her absolutely adorable. Adorable and alone and he wanted to slam the door on her face. Instead he yawned, patting his hand over his mouth and stretching his other arm up over his head. "Whadda ya want? I was napping." There, that sounded groggy and a bit annoyed, maybe she would leave quicker.
Yano grabbed her scarf and pulled it a little closer to her nose, effectively hiding most of her mouth. "We're going to the ramen shop..thought you might want to come." Her eyes darted around for a moment but settled on his face when she had asked him to lunch
. "HAHAHA!" Pin put his hands on his hips and belly laughed, trying his best to appear clueless and over confident. "You kids just can't get enough of me. Hold on, I'll grab my coat." He was going to invite her in while he searched but thought better of it, the coat was laying on the ground near the door anyway.
She stood there staring at him, her gaze following every movement. Time to redirect. "Why're you guys asking now instead of at Hatsumode?"
She blinked, "Last minute plans, why should you care, we're inviting you aren't we?"
There was no 'we' to be found, just Yano and her blushing cheeks and bright, hopeful eyes. Pin sighed, better to get this show on the road and somewhere public. Now that he was aware of his feelings toward Yano, his desire to be closer to her was rearing its ugly head. Wrong place, wrong time.
All bundled up they headed toward the ramen shop, Pin consciously tried to keep a good foot or two of space between them, while Yano seemed to be unconsciously trying to close any gap of space at the same time. He noticed nothing much had changed between them in spite of Pin's revelation of his affection for Yano. Sure she stared at him more and yelled at him less, but, like he had realized, this had been going on a while now and being aware of it won't flip their world upside-down.
Her shoulder bumped into his arm and he looked at her sideways. She pulled her scarf down a little and smiled at him. Pin smiled back, no snarky comebacks, just relief. He knew they'd be okay.
He realized she wasn't going to confess her feelings before school was over. She may have planned to in that one moment before she invited him to ramen, but she decided not to, and he knew, somewhere deep down, that she drew the line neither would cross.
As they reached the entrance to the ramen shop, Yano grabbed his arm, stopping them both. "I…you..you're keeping your promise, right? To get me a gift when I pass, because I'm going to pass." Her eyes were cast downward and the blush had returned in full force. What else could he say? Of course he would, and, someday, he'd gift her with whatever she wanted.
"I'm going to save all my coins for an eraser for you…but maybe you need that before the exam?" He laughed his nervousness away.
Her hand squeezed his arm a little tighter, and Pin took a moment to relish in this offered closeness before they entered the ramen shop and let the world keep them apart a little while longer. "An eraser! I won't need…no, I mean…" She turned her gaze fully on his face, holding his attention thoroughly while she asked what was really on her mind. "….do you think this year will be a good year?"
Pin smiled down at her, knowing that this year held the promise of the beginning a lifetime with this wonderful woman in front of him. He had only one answer for her. "I think this year will be fantastic."