Backstory: Christian has told Anastasia about his past and Lelia has been taken care off. This fic picks off the day after Christian has admitted stuff about his mother and the fifteen. The story explores how Christian explores his world and wrestles with his demons while Ana deals with her self-esteem issues. Enjoy!

Prologue

I don't wish to recall how it happened or why it did. I just know that if I had stayed, my frail state of mind would have deteriorated further. It's not like I had been offered a choice; more like dismissed from my services to him. All those empty promises for a future together. How I wish I had been able to see through his pretentious façade. He kept dropping subtle hints. Only I was too enamoured to notice them. Too bewitched. Too beguiled.

You've bewitched me Anastasia. You beguile me.

No! Stop thinking about him. You knew this would happen.

I shake my head vehemently, trying to tune out the ever annoying and Miss-I'm-so-practical-and-logical voice of my subconscious. Unsurprisingly my inner goddess is nowhere to be seen. I have a feeling now that Christian's gone it will be indeed a very long time before she makes an appearance. Only he can satisfy her darkest and deepest desires and fantasies.

Of course I knew this would happen.

Christian Grey does not do the girlfriend thing. Is that what I had been in our brief time together? Or another submissive with a refreshing demeanour? His precious Elena is the only person he would allow in his personal space despite her toxic vicinity. Not the supposed girlfriend. Not the fifteen. Not even his mother. Only the damned Mrs. Robinson. The alleged friend of his.

Focus Ana. Focus. You will get over him. He was the first one. Gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. I mutter to myself, throat constricted with unshed tears. Deep down I knew I had kissed the prince on the first attempt. There will be no other Christian Grey for me.

I all but scrub out the wet indents of stale tears. It's not just you anymore. You will get through this. My sub prods, desperate to see me strong than desolate.

I don't believe I would get over him. I just don't.

Chapter 1: Metaphysical

Anastasia point of view

Just fucked hair suits him well. I sigh in content, lazily drawing circles on his waist. A lazy grin dons his face. I like to think that this stretch of smile is complement to our post coital glow, the aftermath of our intense love making. Sunlight peeking quietly through his glass wall surrounds us in a cocoon, almost like a halo.

Inadvertently my mind drifts off to his revelations and shocking confessions, leaving him far behind. We all look like her. He finds comfort of his childhood in whipping petite brunettes just because his mother was ignorant and benighted in her motherly responsibilities. In a way he is venting out his revenge for her misdeeds. Now that he's admitted to having a dark sadistic but consenting persona I am at a loss. I hardly can manage to think what I'll do.

I know that I need this beautiful broken man in my life to function no matter how abhorrent he thinks he is. Yes. We have already established that I need my Fifty Shades more than anything in my life. But my conscience is not prepared to accept his word about not wanting the punishing baggage of SM anymore. How can someone so easily let go of their basic needs? How can he just claim to have lost interest in the heavy stuff? On a level I am aware that the temptation and urge will never fully dissipate. The need for the ultimate control will be present; sometimes dormant, sometimes overpowering his judgement. What will happen then? A single lapse is all it would take to tarnish our already so delicate relationship. I'll just become a shadow like Leila once he loses interest in my defiant behaviour.

"Hey." His sleepy voice pulls me out of my reverie, effectively halting the train of what ifs and why and how. "Where did you just go?" Fuzzy gray eyes bore into bewildered blue ones.

"You are over thinking. Again." He admonishes when I refused to comply.

"Am I not entitled some time to gather my errant thoughts and give them a direction?" His exasperated gaze is all I need to know that he is still not convinced I am going to stay.

"I just need time to come to terms with your past."

"Anastasia, tell me what to do. How to make this right again." His eyes turn a sad shade of silver as he looks a little boy lost in his thoughts. Oh no. I don't think I can deal with a sad fifty bright and early in the morning.

"Christian you don't need to make up for anything. You can't hold yourself responsible for their actions."

"Well I hate to think what would have happened if Taylor and I hadn't figured out what was going on."

"Need I remind Sir that I'm not some damsel in distress that needed rescuing. Ray has trained me well in the art of self defence."

"She had a fucking gun Ana. A loaded one."

"Then you would have brought me flowers every day in the hospital Christian."

"Dammit Ana. Don't fucking argue with me. Not on this." His loud response instantly sobers up my light mood. I say nothing as he runs his hand through his hair. An agitated Christian has always succeeded in scaring me to the hills. Not his past. Not his lifestyle. Not even his tainted childhood. But his anger. That anger will be the death of our somewhat of a delicate courtship. I bite my tongue to refrain myself from suggesting some anger management classes.

"I will be busy all day. Make yourself comfortable. Ask Mrs. Jones if you need anything." His implicit meaning is loud and clear; through and through. I am to stay at home while he goes out being all that aggressive I-will-fire-your-ass-if-you-don't-please-me CEO. Jeez, he is so demanding, I'm happy I didn't apply for an internship at GEH. Lord knows he would've fought with HR to hire me, exerting his megalomania beyond all limits.

"I need Sawyer to take me to work." I say quietly, testing the waters. His eyes narrow to slits, he glowers down at me clearly frustrated.

"Take the day off. Pick a book and snuggle the day." His voice has toned down considerably and I raise my eyes to meet his.

"I can't take the day off. I can't not go to work. I've barely worked there." I try to reason but like a petulant child he is not having any of it.

"Leila threat is obviously a done deal. I take it she is nowhere is the Pacific North-West? All the more reason for me to go and work my heart out. Let me go to work Christian, I need a distraction anyways." No sooner have the words left my mouth, I am pinned by his disrobed delicious weight. My inner goddess is all but panting with a foreboding copulating thought.

His Adonis of a body is pressing me in all the right places and I go from business-like to wanton in a jiffy.I pull his head down to mine and his tongue darts outs into my mouth licking and battling. He devours my mouth frantically. Mercilessly. Replacing my inane thoughts with a desire only he can sate. His hands on my aching body and his expert kisses consume me. Consume my world but only amplify my immediate need for him. The moment his fingers brush against my womanhood I mewl and dig my digits in his hips. His merciless onslaught continues, teasing me, testing me without any contractual S&M malarky.

A breath escapes me as he slides in a stiff finger and draws it out relentlessly. A second finger joins the first and inside me they curl and… Oh right there. My back arches off the bed and daintily molds in his chest, nipples erect at his command. His tongue traces pattern on my neck, suckling and nibbling and biting. My hands wrestle around the sheets and find him hard, rock hard. For me. Oh my. After all this. Only I can turn him on. And bring him pleasure. My hands pump him out, glistening with his ambrosia. I lick my hands, savoring his taste and groans low in his throat

Abruptly he flips me onto my back and enters me without a warning; stretching me out. Mmm…. A turned on Christian is a sight to behold. I love how precious he makes me feel despite his, quoting in his words, kinky fuckery. A shudder rolls through me as his hits my spot with such fierceness that my toes curl up. My breathing matches his, as I thrust back to him. Taking my untrapped hand he bites the thumb before guiding it down there. He palms up my clit and lets my thumb fondle it under his control and instruction.

This is how he brings me pleasure. I think as I follow his lead. Maybe now I can do it on my own as well. I muse to myself.

No! My dark internal queen self barks at me. God she is just as much used to pleasure with him as my sub is devoted to her books.

"Something you find amusing Ms. Steele? " His voice is as gruff as ever making him sound even sexier.

Ah! I scream out loud my pleasure as rams back into me, an unnamed urgency governing his vehemence.

His motions are confident in kneading my breasts and pinching them to pleasure when he abruptly jerks off his seed inside my clenching walls. The sensation of him coming inside me as I chase my release is overwhelming. I increase my pace in milking him, desperate for relief.

But something unexpected happens. Christian pulls out forcefully and I wince involuntarily. I expect him to help me out but he just watches me thrashing and squirming with a dark carnal smirk. My head rolls back onto the pillow and I surrender myself to the derangement of the moment. What the hell just happened? Did he just...

"Eyes open Ana."He barks and they fly open at their own accord. I gaze at him perceptively. A stern expression with just a hint of amusement. The bastard is enjoying my discomfort.

"I believe you showed a preference for delayed gratification Ms. Steele." The air leaves my body. What is this about? I roll my eyes unintentionally which only fuels his thoughts about whatever he plans to do to me. I am panting and gasping, writhing beneath him but doesn't so as much does a thing.

"Frustrated, are you? Good. Because I want you so. Defy me. Fight me. And you shall deal with the consequences I endeavour to take out on your hot little body."

"Whatever happened to instant gratification?" I mutter with a sullen mood.

"The recent events have led me to a realisation that delayed gratification is yet another way of taming my little monster."

"Who's to say that your little monster won't sneak to the playroom in search of a few things that could bring her explicit pleasure?" I fire right back at him. His grey gaze smolders but I am serious. The need for the solace is so compelling I might just have to relieve myself.

"You will do no such thing. Besides the contract clearly stated the Sub is not allowed to touch herself without the Dom's permission." I sit upright at the mention of the contract. He said himself our relationship was real, not based on some shit about limits and consensus.

No. No. No. Not this again. He promised.

"I thought the contract was void." I barely whisper. The slight twitch of his jaw is confirmation enough he had heard me.

"Oh baby, you really need some training, don't you?"

I am not sure what he means to imply by the supposed training but I do know that his carnal gaze now stirs fear replacing lingering lust. He looks promising and threatening as he did when I first interviewed him, displaying every bit of his control and his demented self. I immediately scoot away from what I see.

This. This is not him. He has given up all that for me. Christian has joined me in the light. He is not dark and powerful. He isn't. He can't be.

At the moment he looks so. The air around is frigid with uprising tension. I recognise it. The Dom stance he has so skillfully mastered. One that never fails to frighten me.

He is challenging me. Challenging me to go against his wish. Daring me to defy him. In my panic I scream out his name as fervently as I can to bring him back.

"Christian! " It does the trick I think. I see a moment of hesitation on face, a flicker of indecision and that's all I need before I hurl myself in his arms, clutching onto him for dear life.

I am sobbing uncontrollably and he is helpless. My Fifty is back. He is back from the darkness and he is consoling me. Fresh tears take place of old ones when he wipes them away.

"It's okay baby. It's okay. I'm fine. We're fine. We're fine." He mutters incoherently but I am not assured. And it occurs to me that this is probably the first time he has failed in his objective of convincing me. And just like that my mind runs wild. And I don't feel safe and secure. Not even when he is clasping me this tight.

Thank you for stopping by. I sincerely hope you enjoyed this first chapter...