"Tsukki you don't want to get too involved with this. Trust me…"
Tsukishima stood in front of Yamaguchi on Yamaguchi's front porch, wrapping his earbuds around his hands and then unwrapping them anxiously. He had hoped that he would've said yes when he asked him out. But instead, he had gotten a strange, sort of in between answer.
"What… What do you mean?" He felt his face growing red, he was embarrassed as hell.
Yamaguchi looked towards the ground, "I… I want to, I do, but I don't want to get you involved in all of my shit…"
Tsukishima was confused, "I thought you told me everything? Whatever it is, I'll be okay with it."
"You sure?" Yamaguchi looked back up at Tsukishima, "Would you still love me even if I told you everything?"
Tsukishima nodded.
"Alright then," Yamaguchi sighed and continued, "I've battled depression since fourth grade—"
"Yeah, I know that, and it's been getting better, hasn't it?" Tsukishima interrupted Yamaguchi mid sentence.
"It was better. But it's gotten worse lately, I haven't slept in days. Now if I can continue, I don't want to force you to stay with someone who's so unstable, and I don't want to hurt you."
"Tadashi I don't ca—"
"Let me finish, please," Yamaguchi stopped Tsukishima from talking, "I tried to kill myself in fifth grade. Fifth. Freaking. Grade. Then a few times in seventh. Then again in first year. I don't want to rope you into a relationship with someone who might be gone at any moment."
Tsukishima felt tears start to form in his eyes, he hadn't known about that, and the fact that Yamaguchi had kept it hidden from him hurt even more, "Tadash—"
"Kei, I said no!" Yamaguchi yelled at him, and Tsukishima saw tears begin to drip down his face. The last time he had yelled like that was two years ago, back when they were first-years, "I told you I didn't want to, that I don't want to hurt you! Just go home please. Please…"
Tsukishima turned away just as the tears began to fall, and walked away. It took moments before he broke into a run, not wanting Yamaguchi to see him cry like that. He ran home, and entered his house out of breath. He ignored his mom when she greeted him and instead went straight to his room.
She knocked on the door, but he locked it and dropped his backpack on the ground next to his bed. He climbed into his bed and fell face-first into the pillow without even taking his glasses off, finally allowing the tears to flow freely. Tsukishima had no clue how long he had spent sobbing into the pillow, all he knew was that it was pitch black outside now instead of the dim twilight that it had been when he ran home.
He sat up and took his glasses off with shaky hands, and wiped them off on his jacket. He knew he shouldn't have pushed it. He knew that it was a bad idea, but he did it anyways. He had hurt Yamaguchi.
His eyes widened as he realized, what if Yamaguchi was going to try and hurt himself again? What would he do then? He shoved his glasses back onto his face and stood up from his bed. Tsukishima ran towards the door and went to pull it open, but was slowed by the lock. He cursed under his breath, unlocked the door, and ran out into the hallway.
He was cramming his shoes onto his feet when his mom questioned what he was doing, "Kei, where are you going?"
He looked back at her, "I just forgot to do something important."
"Ok, just be safe," he wasn't surprised his mom was okay with him being out after dark. After all, he wasn't a first-year anymore, "Be back by eleven."
He nodded, "Thanks mom."
Without waiting for a reply, he turned and ran back out the door, slamming it behind him.
He ran back to Yamaguchi's house, out of breath by the time he reached it. Tsukishima went around the side, to where Yamaguchi's window was. The light was on, and the curtains were drawn.
He was pondering how to get Yamaguchi's attention, there were no rocks or anything around to toss at the window, when he noticed the curtains blow inwards slightly, just as a gust of wind blew against his back.
The window was open, so Tsukishima could just yell, "Tadashi!"
"Kei, go away!" Yamaguchi responded without even going to the window.
His voice was raspy and he sounded like he had been crying as well.
Tsukishima frowned, and persisted, "Tadashi I want to apologize!"
Again, Yamaguchi didn't go to the window to reply, "For god's sake, go away Tsukki. I don't want to talk!"
"I just want to apologize, I'm sorry!"
Finally, Yamaguchi appeared at the window, and Tsukishima opened his mouth to talk,
"Oh thank god. Tadashi I—"
He stopped when he saw Yamaguchi push the window shut. He was about to turn around and go home, defeated, when he realized something. When Yamaguchi had closed the window, he had thought he had seen a flash of red. He knew what blood looked like, and that was it.
He didn't know what to do, he had to get Yamaguchi's attention somehow.
He tried yelling at the window, he tried jumping up to see if he could get high enough to tap on it.
"Goddammit," Tsukishima cursed aloud, this was his fault, Yamaguchi had hurt himself, all because he pushed him.
Then he got an idea. He pulled his glasses off of his face, popped the lenses out, and put them in his pocket. Then, hoping he didn't break them, he hurled the frames at the window, and yelled, "Tadashi I swear to god if you don't open this goddamn window!"
The glasses fell to the ground, but Tsukishima didn't bother to pick them up. Not yet. He waited, he waited for two full minutes, but Yamaguchi didn't come to the window.
Tsukishima sighed angrily and picked up his glasses. He would have to intercept Yamaguchi at the school gates before he could avoid him. He just hoped to god nothing horrible happened in the hours until then.
Tsukishima stood at the gates of the school, off to the side, scanning every head in the crowd. Finally, he spotted Yamaguchi walking in, and went up to him, "Tadashi, give me your arm."
Yamaguchi looked at him, surprised, and pulled his arm close to his chest, "Why do you need to see my arm?"
Tsukishima grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him aside, away from the main stream of students flowing into the school.
He felt Yamaguchi struggling, trying to pry his wrist away from Tsukishima's grasp, but Tsukishima held on tightly, "Tsukki, let go of me."
Once they were separated from the crowd, Tsukishima turned back towards Yamaguchi. Without speaking, he shoved Yamaguchi's shirt sleeve up, revealing the pale white layer of bandages stained faintly with red that was wrapped around Yamaguchi's wrist.
Tsukishima glared at Yamaguchi, and lifted his friend's wrist, "What the hell is this?"
Yamaguchi struggled against Tsukishima's hold still, "Let go of me!"
Tsukishima was beyond angry now, he was livid, "No, not until you tell me what the hell you think you're doing to yourself!"
"It's called a relapse, you dumbass!" Yamaguchi yelled at him for the second time in two days, "And it's your fault, so I hope you feel bad!"
"Well I do!" Tsukishima yelled back. He was surprised nobody had tried to stop this yet, "I threw my glasses at that goddamn window, trying to get you to come out! You couldn't have at least tried to hide the blood when you shut the window? I didn't sleep last night, at all. I was so goddamn worried!"
Finally Yamaguchi pulled his wrist free, "Why the hell do you care so much?"
"Because I love you!" Tsukishima felt tears pool in his eyes again, but he wouldn't let them fall this time, "I thought I made that pretty clear last night."
"Why do you love me though?" Yamaguchi's voice was still loud, but it got quieter.
"Because I do," Tsukishima followed Yamaguchi's lead and his volume dropped as well.
"But why?" Yamaguchi countered, "There's nothing about me to love!"
"There's plenty about you to love."
"No, there's not. I can't even name five things that I love about myself."
"You're so goddamn stupid Tadashi!" Tsukishima couldn't help but yell again.
Yamaguchi raised his voice as well, following Tsukishima, "Exactly! One reason not to love me!"
Tsukishima grabbed Yamaguchi by the front of his jacket, "Why can't you see that you're amazing? You don't see any of your good sides, only your bad ones. It pisses me off. You think you suck at volleyball, yet you managed to end up as captain, and your serves are some of the best on the team. You think you have a horrible personality and you're annoying, but I love it. You're kind, and compassionate, and you always know how to make me smile."
Tsukishima saw tears start to form in Yamaguchi's eyes, and a look of realization dawned on his face.
"I don't give a shit about how many times you've tried to kill yourself, or if you're 'unstable'," Tsukishima continued, "I just want to love you, that's all I want to do. I want to be able to convince you that every single part of you is worth loving, and the only way I think I can do that is loving each and every part of you myself."
He let go of Yamaguchi's jacket, and leaned down to wrap his arms tightly around Yamaguchi.
He felt Yamaguchi wrap his arms around him tightly, like he was clinging onto Tsukishima for dear life, and he felt the tears drip onto his shoulder.
"Please Tadashi," Tsukishima's voice was almost a whisper, "Please, just let me love you. That's all I ask."
Yamaguchi tightened his hold on Tsukishima, "Okay… I guess…"
"Just don't hurt yourself ever again," Tsukishima held Yamaguchi more securely in his arms, "If you think you're gonna, tell me, and I'll be over as fast as possible."
He felt Yamaguchi nod against his shoulder, "Okay Tsukki…"
"I love you Tadashi."
"Love you too Tsukki."