Graduation day.
I've stood behind a few of my teammates and watch them open up their scholarship letters. There is a lot to celebrate; bountiful offers of playing starter on the teams of their choices, large sums of money and promises of never having student debt, and end to the miserable school.
I am not with my teammates. I am not at home with my parents, hurriedly getting ready for my big day. I am somewhere else, it's not bright here, but it's not dark. Nor cold or hot. There is a lack of everything. Maybe. Maybe not,
There isn't a lack of pain.
There isn't pain either.
Regret?
I am standing still, alone but not. I smile when someone I love succeeds, and I mourn when they do not.
I do wish I was at my graduation, I will never know how it feels to cross the stage. Would I have tripped? I think so, I bet I would have been so nervous. I will never hear my name called out, my family will never jump up and clap for me, cheer me on.
I will never know if I could have gotten help. I internalized it all until it bubbled up, it was just as if I filled a bath tub with too much liquid, I let the bubbles run over. I never wanted to bother someone with helping me unplug it, I tried to do it myself.
I drowned.
I will never know my graduation day. I will never know if my savior was out there. All I know is that my name was Campbell Saunders.
It was.