Disclaimer: How I wish the boys were mine. But no, they belong to someone else.

Thank you to grnfield for reading and fixing this up for me.

OK. I'm warning you now. This is really, really depressing to read. So be warned. Review as always.

~#~

Today I've shattered, today I've been destroyed once again. I break a little bit more every time my family gets into a fight, they would call me and drag me into it all. So today I didn't even greet them all when I left my room. I had returned from Thunderbird 5 the day before and for once I just made myself coffee and drank it as fast as I could before leaving the villa. I can't stay there, not when I know that they aren't done fighting with each other just yet.

I've found a cave; Gordon calls this cave the dead man's cave. When the tide comes in you're done for if you don't get out of there fast. The water keeps coming in and it'll drag you down as it fills up the cave. It would take a strong willed person like Gordon to go in there and save someone's sorry ass.

I know that they will be looking for me soon. Here inside the cave I feel free to let my frustrations go, to forget them for a while, to just cry until I can't any more. I can feel what I want to...how I want to. I just have to relax in order to let the dam inside me finally break.

My family has long ago stopped supporting me in what I do and what I love. I've tried many times to make them understand, no matter how hard I try they never listen to what I'm telling or asking them. They just brush me off and tell me that I'm dreaming again.

My walls are beginning to crumble and give way from the pressure they've had to endure and I can feel myself start to shake. It's becoming harder and harder to fight back against my emotions. My breath's hitching and I can barely take in air.

I can't fight it any more. I have to let go or I'll have a panic attack. I had one before and it took both Virgil and Brains to get my breathing back to normal again. The rest of my family was frozen where they stood, as they watched me fight for every breath and as both my brother and my best friend tried to save me.

My body has stiffened and I know that now is the time to let my torment go. I scream, I rant and let the tears loose to run freely down my face. I've never felt my feelings rush to the surface like they are doing now. I don't know how to explain it; it's like a monster of some sort breaking out of me...shredding my being into pieces.

My head has just made contact with the rock wall behind me, sending stars flashing before my eyes. I had forgotten that the wall was there, I didn't plan on hurting myself or anything, I just wanted to scream and to let go.

I'm still crying as I lie down onto my side in the cool, damp sand. Curling up into a tight ball I hug my knees to my chest and scream to the heavens.

Waking up with a jolt I find myself half submerged in water, waves was now rushing into the cave forcing me to the back and up against a wall of rocks. I'm trapped and know I'm going to end up dying here today. My brothers have no idea where I am because I've left my watch in my room.

I barely have enough space left for air and can feel panic gripping at my heart. I don't want to die; not now, not like this...never like this.

Taking my last breath I'm about to go under when out of nowhere a hand grabs onto mine and pulls me to them. I realise that it's Gordon. He's swimming hard against the current that had been so intent on drowning me in this cave. Before I know it my air has run out and darkness is closing in on me. My brother is still pulling me with him but how he can swim with a dead weight pulling and dragging at him, I really don't know.

I must have stopped breathing at some point because I wake up coughing up water...lots of water. Someone turns me onto my side and holds me as I cough up my lungs, well it feels like that's what I'm doing, anyway.

I roll myself onto my back, put my hands down firmly on the ground behind me and push myself into an upright position.

My second youngest brother is sitting right in front of me, his face expressionless. He looks wetter than I am, if that's possible and I know it's all because of me. He's only wet because he had to come after me and save me.

He's watching me with those green eyes of his. Does he think that I just tried to kill myself?

Before I could utter a word he speaks. "Never, ever do that again, John. Ever. You hear me?"

I knew it; he's thinking that I wanted to take my own life. It just shows that he doesn't know me. The disappointment must have shown on my face because Gordon comes closer to me and gently turns my face to force me to look him in the eyes. His eyes have understanding in them and, realising that his words had come out the wrong way he tried again. "I'm sorry for all this, John. I've told everyone that we're upsetting you with our bickering and that we're being unfair by involving you in fights that aren't your own. We are brothers and should talk about the things that are making us unhappy rather than taking it out on each other. I know that you came out here to be alone and to get away from the fighting and I'm sorry if me and the others have hurt you. When we couldn't find you we started to search everywhere you could have gone and I suddenly realised that you might have come here."

My hand automatically started to rub Gordon's back as he continued to speak. "When I got here something told me that you were inside, that you were drowning and my feelings were right. I found you in there and when I got out and to a point where I could get us both out of the water, I realised that you weren't breathing. You scared me Johnny. I know that you weren't thinking of taking your own life, I know that you wouldn't…not without saying goodbye first."

He grinned at that point. "Although if you did try it I would be the one to kick your ass for even thinking about taking the coward's way out of a situation."

He let me go, pushed me away from him and got up before grabbing my hand and helping me to my feet. I was a bit off balance and found myself been supported by my brother who patted me gently and started walking back to the villa. "Let's get back to the house and get you fixed up again. Then we're going to get everyone together and have a long talk about these fights of ours."

I could only smile and nod my head as I ambled slowly along next to my brother. I couldn't help but think that I had nearly lost my life today. If Gordon hadn't come looking for me, or if he'd got to Dead Man's Cave a few minutes later, after the waves had filled the cave, then he would have been too late and would have been walking back to the villa with my body in his arms.

I shuddered and then smiled at Gordon when he looked at me with a worried expression on his face. "It'll be OK," I murmured. "...and thanks, Gordon. Thanks for coming for me."