Authors note: In many ways I deeply regret starting this, but in many more ways I really don't. I was trying to write a story making fun of the tropes you find in most boys and tankery stories, and from there things kind of went down hill. To emphasis my point, this only took me a day to write. Will there be a second chapter? I don't know, but if people want more I'll give it to them.
Word of warning, this is not a story to be taken seriously. If you don't like horribly OOC characters, terrible jokes and over-exaggerated stereotypes then I suggest you don't read this. I take responsibility for writing this monstrosity, but not for your hurt feelings. And should this story continue, I will be using wild stereotypes for every nation, not just America, so don't think I'm bashing them specifically. They just have the unfortunate fate of being the nationality of most of the male ocs in these types of stories.
Anyway, please enjoy, and leave a review so I know whether people are enjoying or not. This story is rated teen with a few instances of swearing, though I will bump up the rating if necessary.
God, why did I let this be my first story...
Gary-Stus and Armoured Things
Chapter 1: Powersliding our way to 'Nam
"Four Panther's and one Tiger 1 advancing, diamond formation", Washington said, peering down the infrared sight of his .50 calibre sniper rifle. He could probably take out all five tanks here if he wanted to, but Washington was nice and wanted to give his opponents a chance at victory. That and it would be against the rules, but he cared little for rules, as was true with any pure blooded American. He was also shy, kind of like Miho, which is why they were friends. Because they were both shy. It made them ideal for each other, and they had a perfect friendship together with no problems whatsoever, even though they had only met a week ago.
"Hey guys, isn't this pretty much exactly how season 1 started? Why are we starting this story in the exact same way?" his friend, Patton, asked, staring at Washington sceptically. He was the descendant of George S Patton of course, though his first name was Patton instead of George and his middle name was Patton instead of S, making his full name Patton Patton Patton. Despite his wonderfully patriotic name though Patton was a dirty liberal, who was always preaching common sense and how it was against the law to carry weapons in Japan. He didn't even have Navy SEALs training like the rest of the boys, and had no desire to join the army, instead wishing to pursue a normal career, if one could even believe that. Honestly Washington only kept Patton around because it made him look better, and, of course, because he was named after the greatest American of all time.
"Are you stupid, Patton?" Washington asked, but in a nice way. Because he was a nice guy, like Miho. Have I mentioned that he's nice yet? "We need to start the story off in the same way as the show, otherwise the readers won't understand what's going on. Either that or the author's an uncreative bastard who can't make up his own plot, so he's going to do everything that the anime did but with the addition of us instead. But don't worry, it's an original story and we're all extremely fleshed out characters. Isn't that right, Elijah?"
"'Murica, fuck yeah! Let's give the Viet Cong a taste of American fire power!" Elijah replied enthusiastically, firing several rounds from his revolver into the air, and Washington couldn't help but admire his beautifully patriotic display of his 2nd amendment rights. Normally this would have attracted the attention of Kuromorimine, but the group of boys were Americans, and thus masters of stealth. Plus, they'd all aced Navy SEALs training, aside from the filthy liberal Patton of course, so they were superior in every way to their Japanese counterparts. Washington's uncle was in the Navy SEALs so he had taught them everything, even areas of the training regime that were classified, so they were probably far more skilled most military personnel on the planet.
Patton didn't seem to feel the same level of patriotism though, deadpanning at Elijah. "That's incredibly racist. We're fighting Japanese school girls, not Vietnamese soldiers."
"I always knew you were a filthy communist, Patton. Your great-grandfather would be rolling in his grave if he could see you know", Elijah replied, using the smoking barrel of his gun to light a cigar.
Patton was about respond further, but Washington beat him to it. "All right Patton, we get the picture, there's no need to go full hippie on him. And Eijah, I'm afraid he's right, we not in 'Nam yet. Maybe next year we'll depose their communist regime, but right now we've got a job to do", he reminded them, before standing up, wiping the dust of his American made tankery uniform. He glanced at the boys around him before grinning patriotically. "Let's get back to our tanks and show these girls just what us boys are made of."
"Hoorah!" said everyone accept for Patton, who merely shook his head in disappointment. As they ran back to their tanks, Washington reflected on what events had happened for them to arrive at this moment. Of course, he already knew what had happened since he'd experienced it all first hand, but since the readers didn't he decided it was the perfect time for an obligatory flashback.
1 week ago, midday (or twelve hundred hours in American time), Ooarai's student council room
Ooarai had done the impossible for a second time running. Against all odds, they had defeated the University team, and in doing so had secured Ooarai's survival as a school once more. And there was no way MEXT could go back on their deal this time, not now that there was a legally binding contract in place. The students of Ooarai could now enjoy the upcoming semester, safe in the knowledge that their academic future no longer depended upon the actions of a few schoolgirls.
"MEXT went back on their deal, they want to close the school down again", Anzu revealed, pausing to allow the girls of Ooarai's tankery team to gasp in overexaggerated shock, opening her fifteenth bag of sweet dried potatoes as they did so. "But it's okay, Nishizumi will save us again. Isn't that right, Nishizumi?"
"H-hai", Miho Nishizumi replied meekly, jumping at the sudden attention. Even though the events of the first season and movie would lead you to believe otherwise, Miho was a very meek girl. This was because her mother said some mean things to her once, and she didn't like those mean things, so she became meek. Also her sister would frown a lot, and Erika was a bitch, so her meekness only grew. This was why she left Kuromorimine; not because the almost drowning of her fellow students had put her off tankery, but because Erika was mean and Maho frowned a lot.
Before anyone else could reply, Midoriko Sono, better known as don't call me Sodoko, stood up. She was the leader of some sort of committee for Ooarai, but everyone knew her as that girl who complains a lot, and occasionally acts tsundere toward Mako. Miho didn't like her because she complains, and that's not a very nice thing to do. "I'm sorry, but how could MEXT go back on their deal? We signed a contract. A legally binding contract. If they're not going through with their promises then Ooarai should be taking them to court", Sodoko stated. Miho knew she was right and that she should speak up in her defence, but since it was Sodoko and she was complaining again she decided to ignore her instead.
"Don't call me Momo-chan!" Momo screamed, throwing her chair at Sodoko. Momo was a terrible aim though, and her throw was so bad that she somehow managed to hit her own head instead, knocking herself out in one clean strike.
Sodoko looked stunned. "I didn't call her Mom-"
"Would you stop complaining, fraulein? The Reich has no time to listen to dissenters like you", Erwin told her, though she did not look at Sodoko, instead continuing to read her copy of Mein Kampf. The other history buffs nodded in agreement, while Oryou muttered something about how Sodoko should commit seppuku.
"We're not in the Reich, we're actually trying to have an important meeting about our school's future! It's certainly not the right time to be reading that fascist propaganda either!" Sodoko snapped, glaring back at Erwin. This time Erwin matched her glare.
"That's treasonous talk! This is the book that inspired General Rommel to his victories in France and North Africa! Say another word against General Rommel and I'll make sure the Gestapo come for you", she warned.
"Or the Praetorian Guard", Caesar added, though this only seemed to make Sodoko even more angry.
"Stop complaining, Sodoko, no one's interested in responsibility and rules here", Anzu finally intervened, before turning her attention back to Miho, who was still as meek as ever. "The reason MEXT went back on the contract is simple; Shiho Nishizumi decided she no longer agreed with it, and asked for it to be destroyed."
Miho looked shocked, but in a meek way. "Why would my mother do that?" she asked, meekly of course.
Anzu pulled out a letter from under her desk. "Read this."
Miho took the letter, meekly, before opening it, again meekly. Her eyes widened as she read the letter.
Dear Miho,
I no longer love you. You do not follow the Nishizumi way of driving heavy tanks across an open field in a static formation without a sufficient scouting force, thus exposing yourself to unnecessary fire. Instead you use tactics and strategy to win. Tactics and strategy are not a part of the Nishizumi style, and it is for this reason that I no longer love you.
You are hereby disowned from the Nishizumi family, though you can keep the Nishizumi name as a testament to your failure, and because the writer would probably forget any name changes after about five chapters.
Lots of not love,
Shiho "I'm a good mother" Nishizumi.
P.S. I'm also going to shut down the Boko museum. I know how much you love them, and that's why I'm doing it.
P.S.S. Erika wanted to send a message too. She says she doesn't like you, and that you should have let those people drown so that we could've won that forgettable tankery final.
P.S.S.S. I'm thinking of adopting Erika.
"Wow! Is that Nishizumi style writing?" Yukari Akiyama gasped as she leaned over Miho's shoulder, before snatching the letter out of her hands. The fuzzy haired girl hugged the letter tightly, oblivious to her commander's saddened mood, which had taken the form of tears. "Wow, the handwriting of Shiho Nishizumi. I'm going to pin this on my wall right next Nishizumi-dono's used underwear."
In fact, the entirety of Team Anglerfish seemed oblivious to Miho's tears. Mako Reizei was fast asleep as usual, muttering something about where Sodoko should be touching her. Saori Takebe was miles away, staring off into the distance as she fantasied about boys, drool creeping slowly down her chin. Only Hana Isuzu noticed Miho's distraught state, but since Miho didn't like Hana she simple ignored whatever it was her gunner had said. No one liked Hana, she was only interested in flowers. How boring!
"Now now, Nishizumi, there's no need for tears, I've got an extremely convenient solution to all our problems", Anzu reassured the distraught commander, before sliding several dossiers across the table. Each had a picture of an extremely handsome, perfect in every way American boy on it, and a long list of military achievements that stretched across fourteen double sided pages. Immediately half the girls in the room swooned upon seeing the pictures, including Saori, who was now repeating 'boys, boys, boys' under her breath, eyes glazed over as her drooling nearly tripled in volume. "Instead of doing something logical like calling on the other schools for help like we did in the movie, I'm going to turn Ooarai into a coed school, even though we don't have the proper facilities to accommodate boys. We're going to be joining up with an American boys school called Liberty Boys High School For Future Navy SEALs, since I've heard that western boys are far superior to us Japanese girls in almost every measure of life. They should arrive here later today, at which point their tankery team will join ours for the rest of the year."
'Boys? Coming here?' Miho thought meekly, wiping the tears away from her eyes. It seemed a sound solution in theory; bringing American boys into the equation would practically guarantee victory. Their country had won every war they'd fought in after all, including Vietnam, even if the communist sympathisers would have you believe otherwise. Tankery was probably child's play to them at this point.
Once again though, Sodoko had to ruin the mood by complaining. "Hang on a minute, isn't it against the rules for boys to take part in tankery?"
"Not in America. In America both boys and girls can take part, though there are only boys teams at the top levels due to how superior they are compared to girls. Since their rules are different from ours, they will be allowed to compete here", Anzu explained, somehow managing to sound coherent despite having six sweet potatoes stuffed into her mouth. However, her explanation only seemed to confuse Sodoko further.
"What? That doesn't make any sense! Just because the rules of tankery are different where they live does not mean they're exempt from our rules! Unless MEXT has changed the rules without us knowing they'll never be allowed to compete", Sodoko tried to correct her, but her words were mostly ignored, and those that were listening simply glared at Ooarai's resident complainer.
Anzu sighed, rolling her eyes. "Sodoko, it's the twenty first century, you need to stop being so sexist. The boys want to compete with us this year, so they're going to compete with us, and there's nothing you or MEXT can say that will stop that."
"But why do we even need their help? We did just fine by ourselves last semester, and we know that we can depend on the other teams to help us if we get into trouble, so why are we calling upon the support of these random American boys that we've never even met before? It doesn't make any sense", Sodoko continued, trying one more time to get through to someone. Anyone.
But Anzu just sighed once more, shaking her head. "I took you for a professional, Sodoko, not a sexist and a racist. The student council is very disappointed in you, isn't that right girls?"
"D-don't… call me-e… Momo-c-chan", Momo groaned from her slumped position on floor, a pool of blood growing around her. Yuzu was knelt over her, trying to stop the bleeding, but had enough time to glance up at Anzu and nod submissively.
A stunned Sodoko looked around the room for anyone to support her, but found no one willing to help, so she slumped back into her seat with a sigh. 'Less than 150 days until graduation, just hold out until then', she reminded herself, trying to drown out everyone else in the room as she did so.
"So, what do you think, Nishizumi? Can you save Ooarai again?" Anzu asked, grinning at Miho, who had brightened up considerably at the news.
Ooarai's commander glanced at the dossier of Washington Clark one last time, before shaking her head. "No, but they can."
Later than same day (something hundred hours), C-5M Super Galaxy illegally entering Japanese airspace
"This is your captain speaking, estimated time to the Zuikaku school ship is ten minutes. All hands prepare the tanks for parachute drop. And please stop powersliding the tanks around the cargo hold, it's making it incredibly difficult for us to fly this plane", the plane's captain announced over the intercom, though his plea was largely ignored as a tank slide into the side of cargo hold, rocking the plane and bending its hull slightly. The Super Pershing, decked out with a prideful Confederate States colour scheme, reversed slightly, before a rather annoyed Texan popped his head out from the cupola.
"Did he just say please? What sort of American says please? I bet the bastard's part Canadian, ain't he boys?" Elijah Jackson asked, receiving a loud and proud 'hoorah' from inside the tank. He turned his attention back to where his tank had crashed, the cargo hold's wall bent and misshapen. "Good lord, I didn't think the damage would be that bad. Boys, say thanks to General Robert E. Lee for watching over us today, and to the proud people of Texas for building us some good quality American steel. None of that cheap Chinese shit, damned commies."
"I don't think Lockheed builds their planes in Texas, and I certainly don't think that Robert E. Lee was watching over you. God maybe, but not some failed Confederate general", Patton Patton corrected, not bothering to look at Elijah as he read something on his phone. Washington assumed it was The Communist Manifesto.
Elijah pushed his Stetson hat up with barrel of his revolver, before pointing the gun at Patton. "Boy, you giving me sass? I'd have shot you already were it not for your relation to General Patton, but don't go pushing your luck. There's only so much socialist crap I can take, and your commie god ain't gonna be there to save when you push me too far", he warned, but Patton remained unfazed by his threat.
"Go ahead, you guys put me through enough torment as it is. I might actually get some peace when I'm dead", Patton responded in a deadpan tone, and Washington couldn't help but think that he meant every word of it. Elijah didn't notice this though, and responded with a roar of laughter, throwing head back and slamming his hand down onto the Super Pershing's turret several times.
"You know, for a godless socialist bastard, you ain't half bad. I can see why Washington keeps you around", Elijah admitted, before turning his attention to Washington. Their commander had sat in silence for the whole journey, his eyes glued to the cargo hold floor, his legs twitching nervously every time the plane jolted. Elijah supposed he hadn't exactly helped when he started powersliding his tank five hours ago, but what else could he do to pass the time? He couldn't fire his gun inside the plane, and there were only so many times he could sing The Star-Spangled Banner before Patton would try to appease his commie god and murder him, so powersliding was the only patriotic thing left to do. Still, he knew something was up with Washington. "Y'all right, boss? You ain't spoken a word since we took off. Ain't getting the jitters, are you?"
Washington grunted, shrugging his shoulders. "No, I'm just thinking about my dead parents. They're dead you know? It was very tragic. They died on plane a when it got hijacked by Japanese terrorists", he admitted, sighing to himself. That wasn't the official story at least, his government had tried to cover it up by saying an air marshal had shot them because they'd found out that a Muslim was flying the plane and had gone crazy, but Washington knew the truth. It was Japanese terrorists; they'd killed his parents because they supported the idea of boys taking part in tankery. It was the only logical answer. "I just don't like flying much. Or Japan."
Patton glanced over at Washington, his eyebrow raised "Wait, so why did you decide to come to Japan in th-"
"That ain't important, commie", Elijah interrupted, before turning back to Washington. "Dang man, that's some deep stuff. I know you've told me that story like a hundred times before, but it never fails to hit home. I'm sure everyone will understand your motivations after they hear that. And don't y'all worry about the flying part either, America's got the strongest air force in the world, they won't let any of those Viet Cong pilots get us."
Patton groaned. "For gods sake, Elijah, we're going to Japan not Vietnam. And the Vietnamese war has been over for forty years, the Viet Cong have probably been disbanded for decades now."
"First of all it's 'Nam, not Vietnam. Secondly, the Viet Cong ain't disbanded, they've just been hiding, spreading their commie ideology across Asia while we licked our wounds. Trust me, we'll find plenty of Viet Cong where we're going, and that's where I come in", Elijah explained, spinning the chamber of his revolver as he spoke. Patton merely shook his head, returning to his Communist Manifesto.
Washington lifted his head, giving Elijah a strained smile. "Thanks Elijah, it's good to know you have my back. Patton's right though, as much I hate to admit it. We're coming to Japan to help Ooarai, not scare them, so could you please tone down the Viet Cong stuff a bit?"
Elijah sighed, but eventually gave an affirming nod. "Alright boss, I suppose I can do that. Viet Cong ain't made a move in 40 years, don't suppose they're gonna start now."
"This is your captain speaking, estimated time to school ship Zuikaku is two minutes. All tankers mount your tanks and prepare for parachute drop", the plane's pilot announced over the intercom, much to the delight of every American present.
"Yeehaw! You hear him, boys, let's mount up and show these Japanese girls what we American's are capable of!" Elijah shouted, before ducking back into his tank. Washington watched as most of his team raced over to their own tanks, and Patton strolled halfheartedly to his own, before smiling to himself.
'This is for you mum and dad. I'm going to avenge your deaths by winning a tankery tournament for Japanese schoolgirls', Washington vowed, before racing over to his own tank, mounting it in one fluid motion. As he did so the Navy SEALs motto reverberated in his mind, 'The only easy day was yesterday.'
Washington smirked.
Every day was an easy for him.