She'll tell you secrets,
You'll tell her secrets too.
-Echosmith, "Tell Her You Love Her"
Their friends act like they're glad that Alison is back home, safe and sound, in Rosewood. However, Emily has spent enough time with Aria, Hanna, and Spencer in Ali's absence to know that they're weary at best that Ali being home is good news. She sees how Aria dodge Ali's phone calls, how Spencer's bedroom curtains are always closed tightly, how Hanna always has a million excuses for why she can't come over.
To be honest, she's not sure she's happy about it either.
It hurts to have Alison here, floating right in front of her face, but still always slightly out of reach. Alison is a prize that she never got to keep, a trophy she only going to admire closely on occasion. Alison is the pinnacle of her life, yet so far removed that Emily no longer knows how to make her fit.
Yet she answers Alison's pleas for company, showing up at the DiLaurentis house every time Alison asks her to. She's got the free time anyway, with no swim practice and the lack of trying to hunt down A every waking moment of the day. And Alison always thanks her a million times for being there, which just twists her hold on Emily's heart a little bit tighter every time.
Emily tries to avoid the touches, the way Alison always seems to be reaching to pull her closer. Being close to Alison has never brought anything more than pain. Even if Ali seems different - and she really, really does - Emily can't help but want to keep herself from falling down that hole again. It's been years. Years of Alison toying with her emotions, sharing secret, intimate moments before reminding her exactly where she stands. Years of Alison being fucking missing and of mourning the death of her best friend, her first love.
Alison is her Achilles' heel, and all she can do is try to keep her suit of armor on to protect her weaknesses.
It's hard to keep Alison out when she sees her every day. Alison has this sad smile and contemplative look that makes Emily uneasy. Gone is the glint in her eye, where Emily knew Alison had something up her sleeve. She's not vindictive or explosive. Honestly, Emily isn't even sure that it's the same Alison that disappeared that night years ago.
~!~!~!~
Despite the warnings Emily passes on - oddly enough, from Paige of all people - Alison is insistent that she needs to return to Rosewood High. Just the idea of seeing Alison striding along the hallways is enough to give Emily chills.
Yet, when the morning arrives, the four of them are there, standing like obedient puppies awaiting the return of their master. All eyes are on them - though, that's something Emily got used to a long time ago - as Alison strides towards them. Her heart is in her throat at just watching Alison having to navigate the crowd that she can't imagine what Alison could possibly be feeling.
Alison almost seems timid. Even in their most intimate moments, hidden between stacks of books, Alison was never timid. It's unnerving, seeing a whole new person tucked inside the shell of Alison's body. Part of her can't stop waiting for the other shoe to fall. At some point, things will have to snap back into place.
It feels like the first day back to school after Alison's disappearance all over again, only this time the five of them are huddled close together as they walk down the hallway. They don't speak; they just stride along in time with one another, staring straight ahead and avoiding the eyes of so many onlookers.
Alison needs to go to the guidance counselor before she can be readmitted and enrolled in classes - she's two years behind at this point - but she looks like a deer caught in the headlights. It's the least Emily can do to walk Alison to the guidance office. It's not fun being gawked at and Alison's name is being whispered all around them as they pass. She's never stopped being the talk of the town, though Emily thinks that for the first time, Alison actually wishes that she wasn't being talked about.
She hesitates outside of the guidance office even though the warning bell already rang and she's definitely going to be late to chem lab. She doesn't have the words to make it better for Ali, but she wishes there was something she could say that would take away how awful this day must be for her.
The days used to be easier when she could just wrap Alison in a hug without worrying about what it meant. Last time she was in these halls with Alison, her feelings for Alison were a dirty little secret, hidden far behind her public persona. She had a boyfriend, she had the swim team, and she had Alison as her best friend.
"So, I'll see you for lunch?" It comes out more awkwardly than she planned, but Alison seems to understand.
"Of course, Em. Thanks again for walking with me, you didn't have to do that." Emily allows herself a tiny smile before she turns her back to Alison and hightails it to chemistry.
~!~!~!~
Ali is still stuck with her guidance counselor by lunch, but the whispers about her still fly past their lunch table constantly for the whole period. It's all Emily can do to block it out with Hanna chattering on beside her, wondering what's going on with Aria. She's relieved when the bell finally sends them off to their afternoon classes; at least when there are teachers around, people can't speak Ali's name out loud right next to her.
~!~!~!~
Emily ends up in the locker room after swim practice, talking to Sydney. The girl is overly friendly, and Emily suspects that Sydney is sort of flirting with her, even though she's already made it clear that she's not interested in anything more than friendship. Yet, the attention is sweet and kind of endearing, which is how Emily finds herself agreeing to go to some lame Frozen sing-along that night despite her aversion to anything being run by the glee club.
Paige is by her locker, even though Emily was sure that she hadn't been in her classes all day. It was enough to get Paige reprimanded if reported, but Emily knows it's about Ali. Everybody is struggling with her return, but she's not surprised that it seems harder for those whom Ali tortured relentlessly before.
To be honest, Emily isn't even sure how Paige could have fallen in love with her, knowing that Emily had been so close to Alison before she disappeared. Didn't it speak volumes to her own character that she had chosen to be best friends with a girl that was so cruel?
Emily has spent years trying to wrap her own head around the concept that somehow she could be innately good while loving someone as poisonous as Alison. How was it that she could feel so innocent when the accident with Jenna was on all of them? She had been a willing player in so many of Alison's twisted games, a bystander and observer to so many of Alison's ill-intended remarks. She was no better than Alison, yet Paige seemed to think that somehow Emily was different from her vile best friend.
Some part of Emily still feels the need to protect Paige from Alison. It's silly, considering that Alison has seemingly emerged from her cocoon as a genuinely better person, but Emily isn't ready to put all of her trust in Alison quite yet.
It's no surprise that Paige would rather skip school than have to listen to the whole school beginning to realign the high school solar system so that Alison is back to being the sun. Emily gets that feeling, the overwhelming anxiety of having someone near you that has the ability to completely destroy you after you've worked so hard to grow. She felt it in the moment that she found out for certain that Alison was still alive. It came again when she got to feel Alison hug her again, the smell of her perfume the same after so long. Alison has that effect on people, even the ones who loved her.
~!~!~!~
She gets Alison's obsessive need with wanting to make amends; the girl has spent the better part of what should have been her careless high school years running from her enemies. However, bringing Paige into her house and forcing them to talk - though motivated by Alison's pleas to help her make things right - seems doomed from the start. Paige is still angry, and Emily can't blame her. All things considered, she's sure that Paige sees the correlation of Alison's return into Emily's life with their own breakup. Yet, she's determined to maintain her friendship with both of them, even though it's clear that Paige isn't here to accept Alison's seemingly heartfelt apologies.
Paige heads downstairs to call her mom before they take off for the Frozen sing-along, but Emily lingers upstairs with Ali. Their conversation is awkward at best and it's obvious that Ali feels like Emily is picking Paige over her. It's too painful to try and explain to Ali that she'd rather spend all of her time with just the two of them, catching up on all the hours they missed when Ali wasn't here.
But she made Ali the center of her universe before, and all that brought was heartbreak and grief. She can't do it to herself again.
"Em? When I was talking to Paige, I realized that I owe you an apology too. I always made you think that your feelings for me were totally one-sided." Emily freezes in her doorway. Ali knows how to hit her weaknesses every time. She doesn't want Emily to leave with Paige, so she tries to throw her a bone.
It takes all of Emily's energy to keep her guard up, even though it's exactly what she's dreamed of hearing for so long.
"That wasn't true. Those kisses weren't just meant for practice." Ali looks so genuine, her gates torn open like she's finally, finally willing to let Emily inside.
And Emily wants to trust her, she does. But Alison only decided to bring this up when Emily was leaving with Paige instead. She's lonely and scared, being back in Rosewood, and Emily gets it. But she also doesn't want to be something that Ali uses to patch up her hardships.
"I don't know what you want me to say," Emily tells her honestly. It's painful to keep herself rooted to the spot, instead of moving closer to Alison, begging to know if Alison has thought about her and their paradise future in France as much as she has in her absence.
"You don't have to say anything," Alison tells her. It's meant to be a reassurance, but it doesn't feel like it given her history with Alison.
"Why are you telling me this now?" Emily questions. Alison is too careful, too deliberate to just start spilling her feelings like this. There's always a catch or an obstacle that keeps Alison close, while still giving her the space to do whatever shady things Alison has always done.
"I just thought you should know."
Emily doesn't know why she thought she'd get a real response from Alison. It's a cop out at best, not a real declaration of feelings that probably have faded away in all of the time they've spent apart.
In the end, she convinces herself to go to the Frozen sing-along, albeit half-heartedly. The whole time she's humming along beside Sydney and Paige, it's Ali that's on her mind.
~!~!~!~
It figures that leaving Alison all alone would come back to bite her in the ass. Shauna might be dead, A might actually be out of their lives once and for all, yet Emily can't help but feel like it's just a matter of time before the other shoe drops.
Mona might be a major bitch and manipulative beyond Emily's wildest imagination, but on her own, she has nothing on A. She might try to scare Alison into submission - after all, Mona has worked so hard to finally be on top at Rosewood High - but it's not like she alone has the power to make Alison disappear again.
Either way, Alison is visibly shaken up from the encounter. There's no plotting for revenge, no schemes for making Mona fall right back down the social ladder to where she was last time Alison ruled the hallways of Rosewood. In fact, Alison looks downright scared.
Her guilt over leaving Alison in her room to go with Paige and Sydney is enough to call her mom to see if she can sleep over so that Alison doesn't have to spend the night alone. Alison had asked all of them - well, Hanna was MIA to begin with - but Aria and Spencer had excuses within seconds.
"You probably don't remember what I told you when I pulled you out of that barn," Alison says quietly, busying herself with hanging up some clothes.
The sinking weight falls into the pit of Emily's stomach. Those words have haunted her constantly since that fateful night. Alison was still a dream, an illusion that had come to her due to exposure to smoke or something.
"I remember every word," she tells Alison, fighting against the lump that has settled in her throat. "I don't know what's real, and what I made up."
It's the first time she's admitted to Alison that she's thought about her well beyond their small interactions over the past few months, since finding out she was still alive. The admission comes with an increased pounding in her chest.
Once that's out, she can't help herself. There's so much she wants to know about Alison's side, all of the things Emily has missed due to focusing on the constant threat of A looming above them.
"You said you missed me the most."
It's the one thing that she hopes - and believes beyond reason - that Alison actually said that night at the barn. If the conversation they briefly had in her room earlier is any measure by which to judge, Emily believes that it could be true.
"You were the hardest one to leave behind." There's something about Alison's tone, soft and so fucking genuine, that makes Emily want to reach for her hand and tangle their fingers together, hoping that in some way it'll help her from ever losing Alison again.
So she ends up in clothes of Alison's tucked into Alison's bed in her childhood bedroom that still looks exactly like it did when Alison had disappeared. Mrs. DiLaurentis was a little bit crazy about keeping it as a creepy relic, and Alison has outgrown the decor. She's more sophisticated now, like what she has seen in the world forced her to grow up faster than any teenager should have to. Nothing about it looks like the new Alison that has returned to them, but the linens smell like Alison's perfume, which hasn't changed at all.
Emily breathes in the scent on the pillowcase, exhaling with a sigh. Alison is stiff beside her, curled onto her side and facing the window. She tries to go to sleep, but it's so hard to relax when Alison is so close to her, even with the space between their bodies in the queen sized bed. There was a time that she knew exactly how deeply Alison was sleeping just by listening to her breaths, or by watching her back slowly rise and fall.
All of it is so unfamiliar now.
Part of it still feels like a dream - having Alison back in her life so suddenly to such an intense degree. Before she used to have to fight for alone time with Ali, stealing her away for short stints from the other girls, hoping that maybe it would be a chance to relive that kiss in the library. Now, it feels like Alison might actually be her equal, like she might fight for Emily's attention as much as Emily had done before.
"Ali?" She swallows. "Are you asleep?"
The words hang thickly in the air. She sees the way Ali's shoulder muscles tense, and she knows that Ali is awake. She won't call her out on it - if Alison needs to be alone with her thoughts, Emily will give her that space.
She's about to shut her eyes and force herself into sleeping when the blankets rustle and Alison rolls over to face her.
Emily can't help but notice how beautiful Alison is, moonlight streaming down on her, her blonde hair glimmering despite the dimness. Alison doesn't speak. What is there to say? There's too much and too little simultaneously. They are at a stalemate, both of them with no words left to help figure out this new dynamic blossoming between them while the old wounds fester underneath.
Alison gazes at her intently, in a way that Emily is sure she's only dreamed about.
How could it be that after so long, Alison can still make her feel so damn much?
She doesn't trust Alison. But she wants to. She really wants to believe that Alison has change and that things can somehow be different. Shauna is gone, and she's supposed to be enjoying her senior year, living with no regrets.
She kisses Alison before her brain can even process that it might not be a good idea. Alison kisses her back, tentatively, like she's giving Emily a chance to stop, to pull away from something that is such a bad idea when she's not even sure if they're true friends anymore. But she can't pull away because this is Alison, the girl she has spent too many nights imagining beside her, the girl she prayed would somehow find her way back into her life to explain why she had to leave in the first place.
She doesn't trust Alison, but she can't help but trust her heart.
~!~!~!~
It should be of no surprise to find out that Ali has been deceitful yet again. Maybe it's that Emily – and the others, for that matter – wanted to hope that things were actually going to be different. Yet, they're back to being pawns in Alison's games.
She knows that her friends are pissed at Alison too - but she doesn't think it could possibly sting them as deeply as what she's feeling right now.
Emily's pretty sure she failed her Calculus quiz - she had skipped studying to stay at Ali's last night. Plus, her mind is still lingering on the way Alison's bare skin had felt against hers. This time when she kissed Alison's shoulder, there was a sigh rather than a snide remark. Alison had whispered against her skin, reminding Emily of how much she had missed her, how much she hated having to lie to her for so long.
As usual, Alison just sweet talks to get whatever the hell she wants, not caring who she destroys in the process. Unlike Paige, however, Emily refuses to avoid Alison. She holds her head high in the hallway, acting like it doesn't matter that Alison has proven that she's exactly the same person that she was before. They were friends back then; nobody in this school will blink an eye if they continue to stay by Alison's side.
~!~!~!~
Emily is way behind on her homework, but she can't concentrate on anything these days. Alison being back in Rosewood is affecting everything. Her books lay untouched and she flips through the TV channels instead. Her mother isn't hovering for once, which is a nice change. Her bedroom has felt like an interrogation room as of late.
She stares at the screen, though her mind is far away from the characters. Senior year is creeping by slowly. Everybody else can worry about college decisions and new roommates. Not her. Not her friends. Their four years of high school have left too much of a scar to just walk away from. And if there's anything she's learned from Ali, it's that you can run but you can't hide.
Footsteps echo from the staircase, and Emily dives for her chemistry notes to at least pretend like she's busy. Her mom is less likely to ask her a million questions if she thinks Emily is studying.
She's absorbed in staring at her scribbled notes on limiting reagents and pretending to care to look up at the figure lingering in the doorway. When her mom doesn't walk away after a minute of being ignored, she can't help but sneak a glance. Standing there in all her impeccable beauty is Alison.
"Can I come in?" Emily just shrugs at her noncommittally. "Your mom let me in. I hope it's okay that I came over without calling first."
Of course it's not okay. Alison is manipulative, and Emily has no doubt that her feelings for Alison are one of Alison's favorite things to manipulate in her twisted little world. She made her feel like she could actually love her when they were tangled up together in Alison's bed. There had been no need for words; she knew Alison could tell just how much she felt just by the strength of her kisses.
"Em, I know I screwed up." Emily stares at the TV again, willing herself to maintain her resolve. Alison hasn't earned her forgiveness, especially after it took her less than 24 hours to destroy her trust. "Em, will you look at me? Please?"
Emily gives her a quick side-eye. She's completely sure that Alison can see how angry she is just from that small glance.
"Why wouldn't you just tell us the truth? You know, it's so much easier than lying." The words taste horrible on her tongue, and she can see Alison wince slightly at the severity and coldness in her tone.
She's not sure why she even asks Alison these questions; all of Ali's answers are guaranteed to get twisted into the perfect little responses that has Emily letting down her barriers again. Alison doesn't deserve to get back inside.
"I didn't tell you everything because I was afraid I'd lose you," Alison tells her, eyes pleading for Emily to believe her. "Please?"
Ali's hand comes up to Emily's cheek, her fingers softly caressing her skin. Chills run down Emily's spine. It's an instant reminder to last night with the way Ali's touch ignites her every nerve. But this time, it's following with the taste of bile. Ali leans in towards her.
She shoots up from her seat and is across the room before Ali can protest. Her cheek burns from where Ali's warm fingers had been only seconds prior.
"That's not going to fix this," Emily tells her, anger boiling beneath the surface.
Alison looks stunned; she's not used to Emily ever turning away even the slightest tokens of her affection. Emily's heart throbs against her sternum, on the verge of breaking altogether. She hates the kind of power Alison has over her, how her emotions run wild by the simplest acknowledgement from Ali that this is more than the rekindling of a lost friendship.
But Alison has already proven today that she's incapable of changing into the person that Emily needs her to be. So she starts to walk out of the room, needing to be somewhere that she can actually breathe, because that's impossible to do with how suffocating Ali's presence in her bedroom is.
The mention of Ali's name from the reporter on TV stops her in her tracks. Ali looks like a ghost with how fast the color drained from her face. Ali gapes at the TV, waiting for the full story.
Emily texts an S.O.S. message to the other girls, telling them to come over immediately. They settle in her living room, Ali close to her on the couch. Spencer and Toby appear in barely two minutes; they were just around the corner. Aria shows up with Ezra in tow, but Emily misses the dirty look that Spencer shoots his way. She keeps her mouth shut; this is not the time nor place to address the fact that Aria is apparently spending a lot of time with him again. Hanna rushes in just as the broadcast starts with Caleb.
There's no time for questions as to why he's suddenly back in town or why Hanna is drinking yet again on a school night, this time with a guy that is most definitely not her boyfriend.
Alison reaches for her hand as the police sergeant walks towards the podium on the screen. She laces her fingers through Ali's purely on instinct, her thumb stroking softly in a tiny attempt to soothe her.
After all this time, they finally know the identity of the girl that was buried in Alison's backyard. The mystery that has been plaguing them since the moment they realized it wasn't Ali's body that was found is finally resolved. For one short moment, Emily thinks that the rest of senior year could actually be a time where all the loose ends finally get tied up neatly, letting them leave town with nothing hanging over their heads as they head to college.
It's as if some other force knows that she feels at ease for the first time in her recent memory. The explosion is loud; they all turn swiftly to look out the window before flying out the front door and spilling onto Emily's front lawn.
Toby's house is engulfed in flames from the explosion. He goes off running, Spencer yelling from behind him. The dread settles back down on her shoulders. They've been through too much to think that this is some freak accident.
And like clockwork, the text message comes as they stand in a group in front of Toby's house.
A isn't gone.
Which means Ali still isn't safe.
It's mostly her fault that Alison is back in Rosewood, out in the open. A doesn't miss, and Emily doesn't doubt for a second that this was just a warning shot. Ali will be next.
Emily knows that she has no choice. She'll do anything she needs to in order to protect Ali, even if it means putting her own life on the line.