"Da bookily da boojee-bu!"
He said it routinely, almost automatically. The words flowed so easily from his lips, and in that moment, all my hopes that he'd been lying all this time, that he secretly loved me instead, all those hopes just faded away. He loved her. It was so obvious, now. Why hadn't I seen it before? I hadn't wanted to. I swallowed. And then he was hugging her, practically flowing into her arms, and the girl, the girl was laughing. The chemistry between them was SO obvious. I turned away. I can't bear to watch them together; I've never been able to watch them together. But even with my eyes covered, I couldn't block out her laughter. Her voice was just like his, happy and free and adorable as it rang throughout the room, with that little trace of a Tantalog accent like they all have. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore it. Needless to say, I couldn't. I just had to bear it and try not to get upset…
But now her laughter was joined by another noise, a much more welcome one. I heard his little intake of breath, that "Oh?" that I've grown to find so dear. I heard him climb from her arms and I felt him tap me on the shoulder, and then he asked, "Why Lilo sad?"
I opened my eyes; I turned around and almost leaped upon him and squeezed him and loved him and never let go. Almost. I didn't. I wanted to. But I didn't. "I'm not sad," I lied. I felt my lips form the words and heard my own voice speak them, but they felt foreign in my mouth, like they weren't my own.
He looked at me, his big, beautiful eyes questioning and careful. "Lilo sure?"
I nodded. I didn't trust myself to speak. I was sure, all right. Sure of something very different than what he had in mind…
"Okitaka." He smiled at me, and suddenly a warm tingle shot from my hand to my heart to my face, where it settled into a thick blush. He was holding my hand.
I opened my mouth. The blush grew thicker. How could something so small mean so much? It wasn't a word. It was something more: a sign of love. Or was it? I didn't know. It felt like one. But it couldn't be, that much I knew…
My fingers tightened on his hand into an almost vice-like grip. I was afraid that if I held him too loosely, he'd let go. "Akee-takay," I repeated, trying my hardest to mimic his Tantalog. I could hear how bad it sounded, how stupid, how wrong. He was still smiling. Another tingle. More blush. My grip was tighter. I would never let go.
And then I heard the laugh. She was smiling at me pleasantly, but to me, it seemed like a smirk, a scowl. She muttered something in Tantalog into his ear, and then she laughed again, like bells. He laughed too, his like the lowest chime on the scale, flying on the wind. He was laughing at me. My heart lurched. Tighter. Tighter. I blushed harder. Never let go.
"Akee-takay," she told me, smirking. He laughed again. I couldn't bear this; this wasn't happening. He was laughing at me, and he was laughing at me with HER. Never let go. I was horrified. I tried to hide it. I couldn't show this. He could never know…
The tears welled up in my eyes and I bit my lip and I squeaked, "A… akee-takay, Angel."
Angel beamed. To him, it would have been heaven. To me, nothing less than hell. Worse than hell. The rainy day hell. The day my parents died hell. I still didn't cry. He wouldn't have wanted me to cry. She said, "Akee-takay, Lilo."
I said, "Yeah." I said, "Akee-takay." I said a faked laugh. I said, trying not to cry.
Angel's smile started to fade, and the joke faded with her. She yawned. I watched. She looked at him. He looked at her. I held my breath. She said, "Boojee-bu?"
He said, "Ih, boojee-bu?" It was so obedient, not a trace of tension between them. I couldn't be more jealous.
She said, "We go now?"
I gripped him tighter. I couldn't believe this. I had to let go. I couldn't let go.
He looked at me. "Lilo? It okay?"
No. It was not okay. It was never okay. She loved him. I loved him. I hated her. She loved him. He… he loved her… NO. But my voice caught in my throat and came out as a choked, sob-like "Of course, Stitch." I couldn't say no to him. I couldn't turn him down. With her, he'd be happy. With me, I'd be happy. But I didn't care about myself anymore. He loved her. He'd be happy. That was all I cared about, his happiness. Who cares if I'd wallow in depression, if I'd watch him go, and I'd be sobbing and dying inside just like I watched my parents go, like I watched everyone who goes…
"Lilo sure?" He'd noticed something was wrong. Bless him. I was infuriated at him. I wanted to hug him; he cared! I wanted to hit him; why did he have e to make things so difficult? Couldn't he at least give me one reason not to love him?
I squeaked. It wasn't a word. It said nothing.
Angel rolled her eyes. It wasn't a word. It said more.
Stitch said, "Lilo okay?"
I said, "I'm sure." I said, "I'm okay." I said, "I'm akee-takay."
Stitch laughed. Angel scowled. I grinned and bore it, my heart tearing itself apart, inside out, outside in.
Angel tugged on his arm. She said, "We go now." It was not a question, like before. Now, it was a demand.
Stitch looked at me. I looked at him. He looked at our hands.
He was holding my hand.
I'd forgotten.
He said, "Lilo let go?"
I said nothing.
I loved him. Holding his hand made me happy. Letting him go would make HIM happy. Making him happy makes ME happy. It was obvious, what I should do.
But…
Never let go.
Tighter. Tighter.
Stitch said, "Lilo?" It was gentle, but a tiny, tiny bit exasperated still. He was mad at me. I loved him. The tears came, invisible to all but me. I couldn't cry, not in front of her. In front of him. He wouldn't want me to cry.
I said, "Sorry."
I let go.
I cried inside. Crying is not a word.
It says more.
Angel had had enough. She took Stitch's hand. My heart leapt into my mouth and the tingle of blush slowly faded to tears.
She tugged again. Stitch looked at me one last time. He said, "Bye, Lilo."
I loved him one last time. I said, "Bye, Stitch."
As they walked off, Angel laughed again, like chimes, like bells. Stitch laughed, like the lowest chime on the scale, like church-bells, like life.
She said, "Meega tay boojee-bu."
Translation: "I love you."
Waiting for his answer, the whole world held its breath. Or maybe it was just me. I didn't know. I didn't care. I didn't care about anything, anymore…
He said, "Stitch loves Angel!"
Translation: He doesn't love me.
And now finally, when they were too far away, I sobbed and sobbed and let my tears fall and my insides finally tore in two.
I said, "I love you too, Stitch."
He said nothing. He didn't hear.
Or maybe he just didn't know what to say.
I squeezed a pillow. I squeezed myself. I squeezed the wall.
Tighter. Tighter.
My insides formed a knot I couldn't untie. Akee-takay, Lilo? Akee-takay? Do you love me?
Tighter. Tighter.
I couldn't do this. I couldn't go on. I loved him. He was happy. Surely that should have been enough…
Tighter. Tighter.
I said, "I love you."
I got no reply.
I fell to my knees.
No.
I couldn't, just couldn't believe…
He was happy.
I sobbed.
"I love you too."
Never…
Never let go.