It was cold outside. It was freezing really, and far too dark for five pm. The cold invaded the well furnished walls of his just-big-enough room.
Kurt wasn't particularly used to the cold, nor was he used to loneliness on Christmas Eve. Blaine was out with family, on a cruise or something else extraordinary. Kurt's roommate was off to visit his mom, who lived in some rich, far away county. He didn't want to spend time with the Warblers, as their rejection still stung. He knew they wouldn't appreciate his special Christmas outfit. Burt was on a small honeymoon with Carole, nothing extraordinary or expensive, but it was a nice romantic trip nonetheless. None of his old Glee friends bothered messaging him, except for a few quick texts wishing him a merry Christmas.
Kurt hadn't spoken to most of them in person since he left. Mr. Shuester visiting to help with shopping was one of the few visits he got, and the shopping felt empty, even as the familiar warmth of the mall cheered him a little bit.
So it shouldn't have been a surprise when, in one of their late night, weekend chats, Mercedes mentioned how the entirety of New Directions (even the new girl, a sour grape that should not have been a suitable replacement for him) joined together to celebrate Christmas Eve with Mr. Shuester. It was just an off-hand comment made well into their winter break, but it hurt so badly. It hurt when she recounted Artie's first moments actually walking and how the teachers actually donated to them. It hurt to hear about the Grinch being redeemed, to hear about Tina and Mercedes doing a duet of sorts, to hear about the Finnchel drama from a second-hand source.
Kurt was quickly realizing how significant he was, and always would be. His flair for drama went out as flairs tend to do – quickly. He was a flamer all right, but flames were doused and irritating. They burned those around them, and then they burnt out completely. Kurt felt burnt out, exhausted even. Homework was overwhelming, unrequited love was painful, and his loneliness was more taunting than anything Azimio could say to him.
In the end, Kurt didn't even end up opening his presents. He received them in his dorm mailbox, not even hand-delivered. Mercedes had asked him how much he loved the jacket she got him, but he brushed the comment away, with a short retort about how he wouldn't be needing cute jackets anymore. That was the end of that.
It was the end of a lot of things really.
Blaine watched Kurt curl up before the fireplace. It was late – midnight – and school was to start again tomorrow. Kurt looked small, and so very fragile; it made Blaine regret ever leaving Dalton to go with his family. He knew that feeling of being unwanted and too different. He had lived that reality for years, and still lived it to some extent (even as the star of The Warblers).
His heart ached and throat closed up as he approached the couch. Pavarotti chirped in welcome, but neither boy took notice to it. Blaine struggled to find the words, nothing come to him as he approached the prone form. He so desperately wanted to describe the way Kurt made him feel, what he meant to him. Every word seemed cliché, every song trite and inappropriate. His voice itself felt like a betrayal, as it was both unique and conforming. He could sing in Christmas productions and Sectional solos, just because he was normal.
So, he settled for something else. He set himself onto the couch slowly, careful to not surprise Kurt too much. Kurt's gaze shot to him, a frown curved on his lips. Lyrics from their duet played in Blaine's head for a moment, reminding him of how happy Kurt seemed them, and his heart ached even more. Blaine knew that singing was the only thing Kurt had left from his old life, because he knew how quickly the people you left behind would leave you behind.
He pulled out his iPod, and skimmed through the multitude of songs. He placed an earbud in his own ear, before placing its twin within Kurt's (and completely ignored his blush, and its twin on Kurt's face). Guitar strumming and soft piano filtered in as he intertwined their fingers. He shifted until there was a pillar of warmth between their pressed sides.
I am counting backwards.
I'm still in love with the flesh and the fears.
But I'm trying to catch up to the moon that still sinks to the deep of the sea every night.
Oh, who am I now?
All of my heart is back home.
Blaine focused his intense gaze on Pavarotti as he hummed, not wanting to see Kurt's reaction. He had listened to this song on repeat during his cruise, late at night when he was in his room missing gentle smiles, snarky comments, flirty gazes, and lonely quiet. He had listened to long ago, too, when he had missed old friends, old places, and old pride.
Beautiful colors I see guide me home to my own.
Some ways I'll never be free, but this hope carries me.
He could feel his palms getting sweaty, as the song confessed a lot more than he could ever get the guts to sing. He had felt these feelings before, had needed this song before, but it took on new meaning now. These lyrics no longer applied to just him, but to someone who mattered so much more than all that.
Can you still believe it,
That I've seen the world through the eyes of a child?
Now I'm desperate and sinking,
'Cause I've seen the dark brinks of sadness to those in love.
Oh, who am I now?
Oh, who am I?
Beautiful colors I see guide me home to my own.
Some ways I'll never be free, but this hope carries me.
Kurt's tears fell onto their joined hand right before his head fell onto Blaine's shoulder. Blaine tightened his grip on Kurt's hand, before softly singing along. This wasn't about him, and his fears, this was about Kurt.
I'm not going back, no.
I'm not going back, no.
Oh, who am I?
Beautiful colors I see guide me home to my own.
Some ways I'll never be free, but this hope carries me.
Beautiful colors I see guide me home to my own.
Some ways I'll never be free, but this hope carries me.
Yeah, this hope carries me.
He made a small note to tend to the fire, knowing that it just needed a bit of help to keep burning.
This story is shit, but I just wanted to vent about how I feel. This is the second Glee episode in a row where I cried at some point; and to boot, the thing I cried over wasn't even meant to be sad! It just feels like New Directions is moving on without Kurt. I honestly was expecting Kurt to be a surprise gift of some sort, to bring in some Christmas cheer. I mean... Kurt was such an integral part of the team before. No one bothered really interacting with him at sectionals, no one invited him to any Christmas celebration, and no one ever really did anything for him while he was at McKinley! It's just very sad for me.