Disclaimer: Nothing is mine but these words in cyber-space.
Author's note: I apologise about the depressing-ness of this story. It kind of stalked me until I wrote it & wouldn't let me sleep etc. I hope people still enjoy it & please give me feedback whether it be good, bad or indifferent it all helps.
Also just to note this is set aprox 15 years after "Chosen" and for some reason (probably Joss) Buffy never found out Spike survived. Enjoy!
There was a light covering of powdery white snow wrapping the hillside where they buried her. The church was set into the gentle slope and inside it the candles shone through the delicate stain glass windows as dusk fell in the surrounding area. It would have been the perfect picture to front a Christmas card had it not been for the knot of people stood in the middle of the grave yard. Their pain was a blotch on this otherwise prefect scene. They stood frozen in their mourning, clinging to one another for dear life as their sobs rang through the motionless air. They were so consumed with their own grief that they didn't notice the figure hiding in the shadows wanting merely to see but not be seen. The eternal outsider.
Spike lit a cigarette with shaking hands as he watched the group he had once known bid their elaborate farewells to the woman he still loved. The woman he would always love. They were greedy in their grief. Sobbing for the entire world to hear while he remained silence; uninvited to share the pain. He watched as Willow and Xander grabbed handfuls of soil to throw onto the naked coffin. Xander held Willow as she shook from head to foot, unable to breathe through her tears. He was trying to be strong, trying to mask the constant splatter of teardrops that cascaded onto his spotless suit. The dirt hit the coffin with a dull thud that resonated right through to Spike's hollow chest. Next up was Dawn. She stood forward shakily from the shelter of the arms of her husband that had kept her stable for this long. The brave expression she wore plastered on her frail face took Spike to another level of pain he didn't know existed. So like her sister. So strong and self-reliant on the outside but underneath she was downing.
He watched them all as the ceremony continued. He'd watched them all for years now. The time had never come about when he was able to step back into the lives so he just watched over them, protecting them, especially his slayer. He had stood in the shadows and fought off hundreds on monsters before they had the chance to get anywhere near her. Mostly, though, he had just wanted to see them happy and to know he'd done the right thing in hiding away for all these years. He was so glad Dawn had finally found someone who would love and support her. Hell, he had even been happy when Buffy had met someone. There had been one or two men in her life that Spike had seen. The jealousy still ate away at him when he thought of her on the arm of some other man but it was, what was that phrase?... For the greater good. They had taken her on holiday to the beech. They had wined and dined her. They had taken her to meet the in-laws. She never got the fat grandkids but at least she came close to the picket fence. Spike smiled wearily as he ground his cigarette end into the dirt.
Darkness was consuming the church yard before the mourners began drifting away. So many people. Faith and her troop of Slayers babbling about her strength and her leadership- unable to believe someone so strong could be gone like that. The strength of a slayer and she still weakens and dies. She was so much more than we are. What chance do we have? So self-absorbed. They only missed what she had given them- never knowing the woman she was underneath. They left in twos and threes sharing stories of over-coming evil and fighting the good fight. They mourned the slayer but not Buffy. The last people to leave had no words left as they turned to walk away. The ones she'd loved for so long stood there blankly taking it all in one last time before they dispersed. Spike new they were remembering, as he did, the last time they gathered around her grave. This time, however, there was no coming back. She had left them for the last time. No wicked witch to vanquish and no spell to reverse Buffy Summers had got sick and died. Now how on earth do you deal with that?
Spike stayed hidden in the shadows for hours to come. He watched the grave diggers cover her with soil, talking about their plans for the weekend and what they were watching on the TV as if she was nobody. This woman saved the world on a regular basis but yet these men thought of her as nobody. Spike found it hard to comprehend how anyone's lives could go on now she had gone. Did they not notice the colours had suddenly faded to a hideous grey? That suddenly words had no meaning and everything left a bitter taste in your mouth? No, he realised, for most people life goes on and the world keeps turning. It was only his existence that was imploding. He watched them work and remembered back to the last time he'd seen her. He'd known that she was getting sick for a while- one of those things he could just sense- and then one day the ambulance came and took her away.
Spike had always hated hospitals they made his insides squirm. All that sickness: all that grief. He'd waited outside until the dead of night to sneak in to see her. It was worse than he could have imagined. His beautiful woman looking as pale as he did. Hooked up to God only knows what machines- barely breathing... barely living. It had been years since he'd been close to her. Even with her so ill he still felt his stomach flip at the sight of her. Age had been kind to her as he'd always known it would be. Only the tiny lines around her eyes gave away the fact that year upon year had soldiered by since he last held this woman in his arms.
Tears had come easily, as they did now, to him in that hospital room. He knew this was goodbye. How do you say goodbye to someone who completes who you are- the other half of you? Words stuck like knives in his throat. Stupid really, he'd thought, to be afraid of speaking to someone who can't answer back. But he was terrified. He sat down heavily into the chair that had been beside her bedside as he'd watched the monitors continually tick over. Alive- but only just.
"Hey Buff... long time no see." He had started feebly "Yeah sorry about that. I had really good noble reasons for never seeing you but right now they've all gone straight out of my head to be honest. God I've been a complete git. I'm so sorry pet. I always manage to screw things up somehow but I'm sure you know that by now, eh? I just wanted... just wanted to come and wish you a speedy recovery. No that's balls too y'know. I wanted to come here and tell you that I bloody love you Buffy. Always have and damn near sure always will." He bent down to kiss her forehead and let a single tear drop fall on her. "Don't die on me love. Please don't die."
The next day she died. Now he sat next to the freshly laid soil on her grave and wondered what on earth to do with himself. Eternal life seemed a blast a first, sure, but there comes a time when you realise that you're going to outlive everyone you care about. Or in Spike's case the one person you care about. There was only ever one person and as she grew older by the day the fear of losing her crept in. What is the point of living forever if you're living alone? The tears that rolled down his face were masked by the darkness. Slowly he took a deep breath to try to steady himself. Then promptly he felt un-steady again so lit another cigarette. As he sat there crickets chirped and owls hooted. The world carried on spinning and it all seemed so completely unfair.
"I know what you'd say if you were here pet. You'd tell me that I have to carry on. You'd tell me that I was needed in the struggle against evil. You'd tell me that life will get better. But even if you were here I wouldn't believe you on any of those accounts. You'll never understand what it's like for me. I've seen my entire family die, lost lovers I've had for centuries and yet... and yet the only thing I can't cope without is you. I didn't even need to be with you just to know that you were there was enough to sustain me. Every minute of every day I thought of you pet. I don't care what you'd say anymore. I've had enough. This world is too cruel and there's not anything left in it for me now you've gone. You were my world Buffy. Everything I ever did that was good or right was because of you. You were... Oh god pet I can't do this. I can't live forever without you. Please don't ask me to. Please..." Spike collapsed on the ground. His leather jacket fell over the majority of his body as he lay there crying softly into the snow. Black outline against the pale white snow. Disrupting all the peace that should be here. No one asked him and yet he's here and why on earth should his feelings count less than anyone else's?
At that moment he decides. He looks across at the mound of earth that covers his beloved and quickly he takes off the ring that has accompanied him for so long. He holds it gently to his lips and then buries it deep within the ground hoping that somehow, someday one part of him will reach her. To be with her always. Because he knows that he's not going where she is. Nothingness is the best option- to be blown to the four winds and never feel anything again. The other option is hell and all the damnation, eternal persecution and everything else that goes with it... but even that seems better than continuing on without her.
So he sits up and crosses his legs. He lights another fag. He talks to her all night about everything they've missed out on and all that they should have had. He sits there and waits. He waits for the sun to come up.