Just when you thought Jill Valentine had made her last escape... another
author puts her right back at the beginning of Nemesis and forces her to do
it all again!
Jill: Wait just a minute here. It said in my contract: Escape from Racoon City (times 1). It didn't say anything about having to do it again!
Author: Don't worry about it. You'll have some people helping you this time.
Jill: Chris? Barry?
Author: No, I decided to add Jay and Silent Bob to the mix.
Jill: NOOOOOOO!
Jill is sitting in her flat and now tries desperately to get out before the fic begins. Unfortunately it's much too late as we've already begun. She runs outside (minus the explosion since I don't have the budget for it) and straight into a hoard of zombies.
Jill: You have to be kidding me.
She pulls out her gun and shoots them in their heads. They fall moaning to the ground. She hits one in the chest and he collapses with a yell.
Guy: I wasn't a zombie!
Jill: Whoops.
Running to the end of the street she looks around, grimly optimistic that she can find a way directly out of town before the first chapter is over. Sadly there are zombies in every direction, and they all close in on her. The only way out is the door behind Jill.. which isn't there because she's on the wrong side of the street. It seems as though it's all over for Jill, but she manages to push her way through the zombies to the other side of the street.
Jill: I'll use my well-known lock-picking abilities to open this door.
Unfortunately (boy is this word going to be used a lot in this fic) Jill's lock-picking abilities have always been vastly overrated, and she completely fails to pick the lock. Barry Burton obviously had her confused with someone else way back in the mansion.
A zombie now tries to bite Jill's neck (mistakenly thinking it was a vampire... well zombies aren't the brightest of the un-dead now are they?) but Jill elbows him in the mid-section. he falls back, but the zombies are closing in like a mindless bunch of Gwen Steffanie fans and Jill cannot hope to beat them all.
After throwing away the lock-pick, Jill decided to go for the "Chris Redfield approach to problem solving" and began trying to ram the door open with merely her shoulder.
Much to her own surprise the door gave way and Jill ran inside. She quickly slammed the door shut and moved a nearby cabinet in front of it in order to keep the zombies out.
After turning around she felt like getting back out there. Well, getting back out there as long as there were no zombies. Actually what she really felt like was a quiet night at home with Chris, where she would seduce him and he would realise that they were meant to be together. He would resign from STARS, and Barry Burton would come by every now and then for dinner.
UNFORTUNATELY what she had was herself trapped in a building while being trapped in a city with two zombies apparently trying to eat Dario. Jill ran over and pointed her gun at the fat zombies head. She was about to fire when the thin zombie looked up at her and shouted.
Jay: What the fuck are you doing lady?
Jill: You two aren't zombies?
Silent Bob looked offended and shook his head.
Jay: No we're not fucking zombies. Do we look like zombies to you?
Jill: Yes.
Jay: What? You're one seriously screwed up bitch.
Jill: Why were you trying to eat that man?
Silent Bob held up a wallet.
Jay: We were just removing the poor bastard of his belongings. It's not as if he fuckin' needs 'em no more.
Jill: Was he killed by a zombie?
Jay: What's your fucking zombie obsession lady? The fat cunt probably had a fucking heart attack or some shit. Anyway, wanna make with the fucking?
Jill: What?
Jay: Well we're trapped in this building. I'm a guy, you're a girl. So I say we cut the talking and get down to it.
Silent Bob hit Jay on his shoulder.
Jay: Alright man, you can watch. As long as you're quiet.
Jill: He can't watch!
Jay: Alright, alright. Sorry Silent Bob. What can I say she's a real pushy bitch.
Jill: HE CAN'T WATCH BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!
Jay: Well I suppose you can go down on me.
Jill: NO! I'm not going anywhere near you! What the hell makes me think I'd do ANYTHING with you? I don't even know you!
Jay: My names Jay, this is Silent Bob. We spend most of our time doin' or selling drugs and searching for pussy. So now we're better acquainted, let's get it on.
Jill: You and I will never, ever get it on.
Jay: So you lead me on with all that get to know each other shit and now you're fucking rejecting me?
Jill: Shut up! I did not lead you on!
Jay: Look the way I see it lady, we're all trapped in this fucking building. We can fuck to pass the time.
Jill: We can't stay here - we have to get out of here.
Dario: Are you MAD!? I'm staying here! It's not safe out there.
Jay: Shut up you fucking dead man.
Dario: Better a fucking dead man than a dead fuck.
Silent Bob boots Dario.
Dario: Ow! Look, I'm not dead. Is that my wallet in your hand!?
Jay: The ladies mine bitch. She ain't gonna be touching any fucking corpse.
Jill: Look, it won't be long before the zombies get in here! The town's all messed up.
Jay: I'll say. Like, I went to this game store one time, and the fucking sticker on the games said 'Lowest Price Guarantee'. And I bought it. Then I find this other fucking game shop that has the game cheaper. So I goes back to the other store and say to the dick at the counter that I found it cheaper. You know what the prick does?
Jill: No, and I DON'T CARE!
Jay: He fucking lowers the price of the game to the same fucking price as it was in the other store. Even though it said 'Lowest Price Guarantee'. But it wasn't the lowest price was it? That is fucked up.
Jill: I meant messed up because of the zombies!
Jay turns to Silent Bob.
Jay; See, there she goes with the fucking zombies again.
Turns back to Jill.
Jay: So that's why you won't fuck me - you got a thing for the fucking un- dead. You are one screwed up slut-bitch.
A noise is heard at the back door. A zombie has somehow managed to get through, even though the door was locked. Jill swears as she sees her lock- pick in the zombies hand. Even a zombie was more of a 'master of unlocking' than she was.
Jay: What the fuck?
Jill shoots the zombie until it falls down. It tries to grab Silent Bob's ankle, but he stamps violently on it's head, causing it to explode.
Jay: Are you gonna fuck the zombie now?
Jill: NO!
Jay: Are you gonna fuck me?
Jill: NO!
Jay: So who are you going to fuck?
To be continued...
Jill: Wait just a minute here. It said in my contract: Escape from Racoon City (times 1). It didn't say anything about having to do it again!
Author: Don't worry about it. You'll have some people helping you this time.
Jill: Chris? Barry?
Author: No, I decided to add Jay and Silent Bob to the mix.
Jill: NOOOOOOO!
Jill is sitting in her flat and now tries desperately to get out before the fic begins. Unfortunately it's much too late as we've already begun. She runs outside (minus the explosion since I don't have the budget for it) and straight into a hoard of zombies.
Jill: You have to be kidding me.
She pulls out her gun and shoots them in their heads. They fall moaning to the ground. She hits one in the chest and he collapses with a yell.
Guy: I wasn't a zombie!
Jill: Whoops.
Running to the end of the street she looks around, grimly optimistic that she can find a way directly out of town before the first chapter is over. Sadly there are zombies in every direction, and they all close in on her. The only way out is the door behind Jill.. which isn't there because she's on the wrong side of the street. It seems as though it's all over for Jill, but she manages to push her way through the zombies to the other side of the street.
Jill: I'll use my well-known lock-picking abilities to open this door.
Unfortunately (boy is this word going to be used a lot in this fic) Jill's lock-picking abilities have always been vastly overrated, and she completely fails to pick the lock. Barry Burton obviously had her confused with someone else way back in the mansion.
A zombie now tries to bite Jill's neck (mistakenly thinking it was a vampire... well zombies aren't the brightest of the un-dead now are they?) but Jill elbows him in the mid-section. he falls back, but the zombies are closing in like a mindless bunch of Gwen Steffanie fans and Jill cannot hope to beat them all.
After throwing away the lock-pick, Jill decided to go for the "Chris Redfield approach to problem solving" and began trying to ram the door open with merely her shoulder.
Much to her own surprise the door gave way and Jill ran inside. She quickly slammed the door shut and moved a nearby cabinet in front of it in order to keep the zombies out.
After turning around she felt like getting back out there. Well, getting back out there as long as there were no zombies. Actually what she really felt like was a quiet night at home with Chris, where she would seduce him and he would realise that they were meant to be together. He would resign from STARS, and Barry Burton would come by every now and then for dinner.
UNFORTUNATELY what she had was herself trapped in a building while being trapped in a city with two zombies apparently trying to eat Dario. Jill ran over and pointed her gun at the fat zombies head. She was about to fire when the thin zombie looked up at her and shouted.
Jay: What the fuck are you doing lady?
Jill: You two aren't zombies?
Silent Bob looked offended and shook his head.
Jay: No we're not fucking zombies. Do we look like zombies to you?
Jill: Yes.
Jay: What? You're one seriously screwed up bitch.
Jill: Why were you trying to eat that man?
Silent Bob held up a wallet.
Jay: We were just removing the poor bastard of his belongings. It's not as if he fuckin' needs 'em no more.
Jill: Was he killed by a zombie?
Jay: What's your fucking zombie obsession lady? The fat cunt probably had a fucking heart attack or some shit. Anyway, wanna make with the fucking?
Jill: What?
Jay: Well we're trapped in this building. I'm a guy, you're a girl. So I say we cut the talking and get down to it.
Silent Bob hit Jay on his shoulder.
Jay: Alright man, you can watch. As long as you're quiet.
Jill: He can't watch!
Jay: Alright, alright. Sorry Silent Bob. What can I say she's a real pushy bitch.
Jill: HE CAN'T WATCH BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!
Jay: Well I suppose you can go down on me.
Jill: NO! I'm not going anywhere near you! What the hell makes me think I'd do ANYTHING with you? I don't even know you!
Jay: My names Jay, this is Silent Bob. We spend most of our time doin' or selling drugs and searching for pussy. So now we're better acquainted, let's get it on.
Jill: You and I will never, ever get it on.
Jay: So you lead me on with all that get to know each other shit and now you're fucking rejecting me?
Jill: Shut up! I did not lead you on!
Jay: Look the way I see it lady, we're all trapped in this fucking building. We can fuck to pass the time.
Jill: We can't stay here - we have to get out of here.
Dario: Are you MAD!? I'm staying here! It's not safe out there.
Jay: Shut up you fucking dead man.
Dario: Better a fucking dead man than a dead fuck.
Silent Bob boots Dario.
Dario: Ow! Look, I'm not dead. Is that my wallet in your hand!?
Jay: The ladies mine bitch. She ain't gonna be touching any fucking corpse.
Jill: Look, it won't be long before the zombies get in here! The town's all messed up.
Jay: I'll say. Like, I went to this game store one time, and the fucking sticker on the games said 'Lowest Price Guarantee'. And I bought it. Then I find this other fucking game shop that has the game cheaper. So I goes back to the other store and say to the dick at the counter that I found it cheaper. You know what the prick does?
Jill: No, and I DON'T CARE!
Jay: He fucking lowers the price of the game to the same fucking price as it was in the other store. Even though it said 'Lowest Price Guarantee'. But it wasn't the lowest price was it? That is fucked up.
Jill: I meant messed up because of the zombies!
Jay turns to Silent Bob.
Jay; See, there she goes with the fucking zombies again.
Turns back to Jill.
Jay: So that's why you won't fuck me - you got a thing for the fucking un- dead. You are one screwed up slut-bitch.
A noise is heard at the back door. A zombie has somehow managed to get through, even though the door was locked. Jill swears as she sees her lock- pick in the zombies hand. Even a zombie was more of a 'master of unlocking' than she was.
Jay: What the fuck?
Jill shoots the zombie until it falls down. It tries to grab Silent Bob's ankle, but he stamps violently on it's head, causing it to explode.
Jay: Are you gonna fuck the zombie now?
Jill: NO!
Jay: Are you gonna fuck me?
Jill: NO!
Jay: So who are you going to fuck?
To be continued...