Title: Observations
Author: LOTSlover
Characters: Richard / Kahlan / Zedd / Cara
Rating: PG - 13
Timeline: After Torn
Story Type: Reflection / Romance
Spoilers: Anything from S1 & S2 up through Torn
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I just love to write about them!
Summary: Cara's thoughts and observations after having spent several months with Richard and Kahlan.
Observations
I'm darting through the midnight woods, no idea where I'm going or from where I came. I can hardly catch my breath, but I know I cannot stop. My heart is pounding inside my chest as sweat trickles down my back. My legs feel so shaky from the constant pace, but I must keep running. I cast quick glances over my shoulder, looking for an unknown predator. I cannot see who or what it is, but I can feel its presence looming ever closer.
The only sound is that of my ragged breathing and the snapping of twigs and branches under my boots. I swat at low limbs, crashing through brush that grabs at my clothes and scratches my skin. Catching my foot on a root, I trip and fall forward, hitting the ground hard and knocking what little air I still have from my lungs.
I am momentarily dazed, but leap to my feet before my shadow can catch me. The forest is sinister and dark. The moonlight overhead casts dim shapes that shift ever so often with the breeze that filters through the leaves.
Hiding behind a huge tree, I lean a trembling hand against the rough bark to steady myself, my legs quivering from fatigue. My lungs are burning, my chest heaving as I gulp in oxygen. Peering around the massive trunk, my eyes dart about for what is following me. I reach my other hand to my side to find I have no weapon, no agiel, and no way to protect myself.
The sudden cracking of twigs alerts me to its presence. I do not understand why I, a Mord'Sith, would ever be running in fear, but for some reason I am. Pressing my body closer, I try to mold myself into the tree as I attempt to get a glimpse of whatever is terrorizing me.
With bated breath, I narrow my eyes to focus on movement coming from brush several yards from me. A little girl with blond hair stumbles from the underbrush, her dress torn, tears streaming down her dirt coated face. Stunned, I realize the little girl is…me…
I lurch forward, gasping for breath. Placing a hand to my face, I wipe the sweat from my forward. I have no idea why these nightmares have started to haunt me, but they began a few weeks after joining this little quest. I am beginning to suspect it has something to do with Lord Rahl's personal quest for my redemption.
Quickly glancing about me, I see that Zedd and Kahlan are sleeping soundly as Richard makes his way back into camp, his face still tense and strained with apprehension.
"Cara, time for your watch," he quietly says as he walks closer to me. "Bad dream?" he asks, concern on his face as he stares at me.
"It's nothing," I brush it off as I stand to my feet, trying to calm my breathing.
"If you're sure," Richard replies, appearing unconvinced as he continues to stare, but knowing enough not to pry. "Well, I've just checked the perimeter of the camp again and I didn't see any signs of more trouble. I think we've had just about enough of banelings. Hopefully, it will continue to be a peaceful night, but if you see anything at all I want you to wake me immediately," he adamantly instructs me in a low voice as he casts a glance at Kahlan who is sleeping on the other side of the campfire.
I see the anger slowly simmering in his eyes and I know that he is still worried. The Keeper sent a hunting party of banelings after us today in a futile attempt to kill the Mother Confessor. Ever since Lord Rahl learned of the new prophecy concerning the Mother Confessor's pure heart and the Keeper, he has been more on edge than ever, even more consumed with protecting her. He knows that the Keeper is going to do everything in his power to make sure she is eliminated.
"Don't worry, Lord Rahl. I will protect her as I have sworn to protect you," I softly reassure him for I know that she is his life. To protect the Mother Confessor is to protect the Lord Rahl.
"Thank you, Cara," he replies with a sigh, appearing mildly comforted by my words, but it does little to lessen the anger and fear that still burns in his eyes.
As I take up my post by a large oak tree, I watch Lord Rahl make his way to his bedroll that is waiting for him right beside Kahlan's. He kneels down beside her sleeping form to check on her, adjusting the blanket that is spread across her body. Today's attack was never truly a threat as we swiftly disposed of the banelings with only minor injuries to the Mother Confessor and myself, but I'm sure Lord Rahl sees even the least amount of danger to Kahlan as deadly serious.
She stirs slightly with the adjusting of the blanket, sighing contently in her slumber. The Mother Confessor does not wake, but murmurs his name in her sleep. It brings a small smile to his lips as he leans down, tenderly placing a kiss to her temple. He lies down on his bedroll behind her, gently molding his body along hers before wrapping an arm around her waist. She instinctively melts back into his embrace, never opening her eyes, but sensing his presence even in her sleep.
Kissing her shoulder, Lord Rahl visibly relaxes, the tension practically melting from his body as he slowly drifts off to sleep with the woman he loves in his arms. I am momentarily envious of their love, though I would never verbally admit it. Lately, curiosity about their love affair tickles my brain relentlessly.
A love like theirs is not something I have really witnessed before, having been with the Sisters of the Agiel for most of my life. The training I received broke me of any unnecessary emotions such as love, compassion, kindness, and mercy. These lead to emotional attachments that just hinder a Mord'Sith in her duties as protector of the Lord Rahl. Strength, self-control, loyalty, duty. These all aid her in a clear mind and narrow focus on her mission. Love only clouds the mind, weakens the heart, and causes confusion when clear judgment should reign supreme.
I see some of these characteristics of a perfect Mord'Sith in the Mother Confessor and yet she is balanced and tempered by love, compassion, and mercy. At times, I think she lets her heart rule her head, but she still manages to accomplish the same end, just in a less abrasive method than I would have chosen.
I recently have come to understand why Lord Rahl refused my advances when we were trapped in the future, seeking a way back to our time. While I think my strength and confidence reminded him of his Kahlan, I lack the love and compassion that has drawn him to her. Even though she was already dead and he had no way of knowing if he would ever make it back to her, Lord Rahl still stayed true to his love.
Kahlan has no idea how truly deep his love for her runs. But I do…I saw it that night and many times after that. Sometimes it's revealed in little things like the way he looks at her or a simple touch of a hand. Other times, it's expressed without restraint like when he comes to her rescue in battle or reuniting with passionate kisses after being separated for months.
The Mother Confessor's love runs no less deep for the Seeker, though. It's reflected in the smile that she shares with him alone or in the way she stands and fights by his side regardless of the consequences. Choosing to stay by his side over returning to Aydindril, she supports him in his quest, vowing to protect him with her life.
Hers is a sacrificial love that puts him before her happiness. Forcing him to leave with the Sisters of the Light was difficult for her, but she loved him above her own desires, above the pain that separation would bring. Even though consumed with love for him, Kahlan refuses to allow herself to be lost in it for fear of losing control, fear of confessing him.
I wonder if I could be that strong if I were in the same position as the Mother Confessor. Could I balance passionate love with self-control, with putting someone's welfare above my own? All duty and no heart, I never would have wasted time considering such a thought as this until I met these two.
I have never seen a greater demonstration for the need for love and balance in life than when the Mother Confessor was torn into two separate individuals. One woman was all heart; a sniveling mess of emotions that I was prepared to throw off the nearest cliff if I thought for a second Lord Rahl would have let me. She actually accused me of wanting Lord Rahl for myself. Even now, I scoff at the idea. Why would I ever want a man who is so obviously consumed with love for someone else?
The other half of Kahlan was all Confessor, completely obsessed with duty and control. So much like the perfect Mord'Sith, this Mother Confessor was devoid of the useless, conflicting emotions that can color judgment.
At first, I admired her and was most impressed with this duty-bound Kahlan. Then, I saw how heartless she was, how cold and resolute she was in her decision to execute Zedd. She dismissed Richard as almost beneath her notice, little more than an inconvenience as she spoke to him like a child, shooing him away to continue his mission so she could resume her duties. No love for him was held in her eyes. It was startling to see someone who looked like Kahlan, but possessed no love for the Seeker she had previously sworn to protect with her very life.
Richard no longer held the same look of unwavering love in his eyes for this Mother Confessor that he held for the real Kahlan. Nor did he want to have anything to do with the pathetic Kahlan who was an emotional wreck. He only wanted his Kahlan, the woman he fell in love with even though they could never be together because of her magical powers. It is something that I am only beginning to understand.
Why would Lord Rahl give up the life he so desperately wants in order to have the real Mother Confessor back? He could have that life with either of the two Kahlan's, but instead wants the one he loves more than his own life but can never be with. He willing sacrificed a future full of passion, a normal relationship with the promise of children all for the love of a woman he could not touch with his love. In that moment, Lord Rahl showed me that true love is deeper than sexual consummation, more meaningful than physical pleasure.
While I know that they both desire consummation of their love, they want to build a life together above all else. Being able to express that love would just be an added reward. Although I still struggle to comprehend it all, I am hopeful that they will be able to be together in every way some day. I know, though, that if anyone can find a way around the barrier that keeps them apart it will be those two.
If there is one thing that Lord Rahl and the Mother Confessor have taught me it is that there is always a place for love in life. Love can bring joy, it can bring pain, it can bring worry, and it can bring ecstasy. It can tear at your soul and it can make your heart swell. It gives and it takes away.
Love is more than words; it's demonstrated in actions and deeds. It's sacrificial, selfless, and all encompassing. It can consume you or when lost, it can leave you feeling painfully hollow inside. It can bring a smile to your lips or tears to your eyes. Love gives you a reason to live, a hope for the future, and the strength needed to fight.
As the sun begins its ascent over the horizon, I see Lord Rahl and the Mother Confessor begin to stir. They snuggle closer together before finally releasing their hold on one another. Richard stands to his feet, offering a hand to Kahlan who accepts it with a smile. Helping her to her feet with a mischievous gleam in his eye, he unexpectedly pulls her into a tight embrace that causes a giggle to escape her lips. I am unable to stop the small smile that creeps to my own lips as I watch the two lovers and I realize something else.
Love also gives you a reason to get up in the morning.
THE END