They are all alike. They lie and cheat and treat girls like crap. Yeah I am talking about guys although I guess I can be talking about cats too.
Well my cat that is. She only comes around when she is hungry and then she is pretending she loves me which is a lie and then she goes to my next door neighbor and cheats by showing her the same attention. And I guess the rest of the time I am treated like crap since I am below her Highness. That is all true but also a lie. I love my cat. Her name is Highness and I know I am below her. Cats are royalty we all know that.
Anyway this is not a story about cats. This is my story about my life or what I thought was a life but was really a big time bomb waiting to explode in my face and today was the day that that all happened.
Why am I telling you this story about the piece of crap that is my life? I don't really know but if you are lucky enough to read it don't put it down since it does get good at some point or maybe not to you. It's really your own personal opinion I guess about how exciting my life is or isn't.
Where do I start? Should I start at the beginning? That is really over rated isn't it?
Once upon a time blah blah blah…
Yeah I won't start there. My life is no fairytale so I just won't go in that direction unless you want me to lie? Why can't I? I am the one writing this after all aren't I? Well I am but I am not a liar. I hate god damn mother fucking liars!
Sorry about that. I couldn't help myself when I thought about….well anyway this is not a story about him although I am sure he would love to think it is.
His head would only swell even bigger with pride if I mentioned his name and for that purpose I will not name him at all. I will leave him wondering if I am talking about him or not. That will bother him to the very bottom of his…..ummm well I will not say where I was going with that.
Anyway how about we start with this line:
Welcome to my hell hole of a life…
Do you like that one better? I think I do. I will go from there. Yeah my hell hole of a life. That's a good one. I never used that before to describe my life but I think I will stick with that one.
Yeah I know I ramble a lot about random topics don't I? Well you still have time to stop reading and go on with your own life. I mean no one really cares about my crappy ass life right? I mean if you really do you can read about it. HA got you now you have to read it if you do care.
So now on with my story…..
Welcome to my hell hole of a life. One day to the next give me no reason to really live but I have no choice. I am not that much of a hater of my own life that I would go and kill myself. Well I have tried but my pack members won't allow it.
Yeah I am in a pack. A wolf pack to be specific that is.
I know. Now you are thinking what the hell is she on. Well I am on nothing except…..well I am on nothing like I said and this is the honest truth.
Dealing with being a wolf is not as hard as it may seem. I mean you can phase and go off in your own world….no wait they can hear your thoughts.
Yeah I know they can hear your thoughts. That is an invasion of privacy if I am not mistaken.
You can roam freely and do what you want…..wait no there I am wrong again. You can't do that because you have to listen to the Alpha's orders.
Well you can tell your friends you are a super cool wolf and you can…..wait no. You can't tell them because the Alpha won't allow that either.
At least you can hang out with your friends right? Yeah right. As long as you can control your temper and not go all ape shit on them and attack them.
You can date and have a boyfriend or a girlfriend right? Uh yeah try that one again. You imprint on people and you never know who that person will be or how old they will be when you imprint on them.
Well this is super fucked up isn't it? What kind of life is this where you have all these rules to follow and things you can and can't do no matter how much you want to blend in and just be yourself. It's a hell hole of a life like I said.
I was just a normal girl. Ok maybe not completely normal with my lip ring and tongue piercing and my tattoos on my shoulders, but I tried to be for the most part.
I mean I hate getting attention from anyone for any reason. Yeah I know I hate attention yet I have piercings and tattoos. My blue streaks in my hair probably don't help much either.
But I had gotten pretty good at being ignored. I mean once everyone got used to my look they started to avoid me. I was the weird kid no one wanted to hang around with and I guess I was fine with that.
Around La Push no one really goes all out for these things like me. They are all into the legends of the Quileute's and learning about the history of where we came from and I could careless about all of that.
It's one thing when you are a little kid hearing all these stories about how we came from wolves and how they guard their lands. But I once I hit high school I realized that they weren't real. They are all making believe and that is when I decided to change my look.
I used to be a normal girl. I had brown hair that I could never do anything with till one day I cut it myself and made it look really good if I do say so myself. Then some hair dye later I came up with what I have now.
I used to wear skirts and dresses to please my mom but I hated each and every one of them and once I got the chance I got rid of them. I wanted to burn them in a bonfire one summer but my aunt took them to save them. I don't know what she plans on doing with them really but she wanted them.
This whole change was set about by one thing. My dad died. My dad was my best friend. He would take me everywhere with him. We would go camping or off to the lake for fishing and tons of hiking.
It was so sudden. One day he was off in the woods helping the sheriff track something and next thing we know he is dead.
I couldn't talk to anyone at all. I was broken down and in complete shock. My dad. The strongest person I knew was dead and there was nothing I could do to help him. He was gone and I was left alone.
I didn't have anyone else. My mom had died when I was five and my brother blew off the family when he turned 18 seven years ago. So it had been me and my dad together for the next two years. Even when my brother was around it was always my dad and I doing things.
Trace, my brother, had always wanted to hang out with his friends. He was always around Jacob Black's house hanging around with him and Quil and Embry.
That is till his accident. I don't know what happened to him but one day he came home and wouldn't talk to us. We figured he was in shock over something and took him to the doctor but he couldn't get him to talk either.
Then one day he just left. That was when he was 13. He left us for a month and then came back to apologize to us and told us he had to find himself.
He was 13 and had to find himself? Then again what did I know I was only an 8 year old kid at that point. But my big brother was home and I was happy. He acted like his self but I knew there was something bothering him and wanted to know what it was.
He wouldn't tell me. He was never really an open person and I guess whatever happened to him or the fact that I was his kid sister and he couldn't tell these things to me lead him to keep it from me.
That feels like so long ago now. Once dad died Trace had me move in with him but he was never around. I had to do everything for myself. He would buy food then go off all day. Or he would say he was going to hang out with his friends all day.
So I learned to take care of myself. Who needs a big brother when you are 15. You are old enough to take care of yourself. That is what he got a 15 year old kid that he didn't care what I did.
So I did what I wanted. Dyed my hair a couple of months after moving in with him. He didn't notice the bright blue in it or care what I cut it like. When I turned 16 I went out and got my lip pierced. My sweet 16 present to myself. Trace's idea of a gift was a five dollar off coupon to the movies. But hey he remembered right? No that was three months later when he asked when I could get my license since he was tired of driving me around. He didn't even look shocked. He said, "Oh cool. Let's head to the DMV tomorrow and get your license and oh by the way happy birthday." And he handed me a piece of junk mail with the coupon.
Yeah my brother is the greatest isn't he? Anyway I got my license the next day. I had been practicing driving all on my own since he wouldn't help me. Dad had given me the basics when he took me out on his four wheeler. Granted it wasn't a car but the same basic principles applied and after some trial and error I figured it all out.
My 17th and 18th birthday got me my tattoos on my shoulders. One is of a broken heart in memory of my dad and the other one is of a lonely bird on a branch. Since that is me all alone waiting to spread my wings and fly off to nowhere in particular.
My next few birthdays were pretty uneventful. Trace came home drunk on my 19th birthday and threw his keys on the table saying I could have his old beat up jeep since he had just bought a new corvette. Where did he get the money I didn't know nor did I care at that point. I finally had my own car and a way to get away from the hell hole I was living in with my brother.
I didn't have any plans on where to go really. I just loved the fact that I had my freedom and could do what I wanted now. No need to stay at home all night since I couldn't go out with my friends. Well it was more like friend. I wasn't popular enough to have many friends.
His name was Mark and he saw me for who I was. Not who I had become from my life. He was willing to know me and be there for me when my own brother wasn't there for me.
That is why when I turned 21 I moved out of my brother's house and moved in with Mark. He had his own place and worked at the tattoo parlor. Granted he didn't have any himself he loved working there. He was the one who gave me my tongue piercing. He said it was my birthday present and that it was free of charge.
So that is where I am in my life. Living with Mark for the past year. I haven't gotten one call from Trace to see how the hell I am doing or what is up in my life. But that is my brother. He was just doing what he had to and even then it was only the minimum.
Mark is the only person I can trust with anything in my life. He knows what goes on in my head and how to make things calm down for me so I don't get worked up.
He trusted the fact that I wouldn't hurt him. That was a big risk to take with me. Because I had first phased the night my dad died. And now I have such a short temper from living with my brother. But Mark puts up with me. He is a wolf too, but he tries not to phase unless he absolutely has to.
We tend to avoid the pack as much as we can. I never got along with Jacob, Embry, or Quil and knowing they are all in the pack just makes me sick. Also seeing Trace come around and acting like a big shot since his sister is in the pack pisses me off. He thinks he is someone because I am a wolf.
He should try living this life and see how he feels. I am sure he would enjoy having none of his freedom anymore.
But Sam lets him be around because he thinks that Trace should be a wolf too since I am. If he is why hasn't he phased yet? Must be all the alcohol he drinks. Must stop him from phasing. I don't know really just my guess. Or maybe he is just so neutral with emotions after his accident that he doesn't go to extremes anymore.
That is part of what led to everything. I got in a fight with Trace one day and Mark was there and that is where everything went to hell from that point.
It was a Saturday and it was raining outside. It had been pouring for a week now. That's one of the things I hate about living here is the constant rain.
Sam was going to have us get together for a meeting out on the beach so we could keep in shape. He kept coming up with these crazy training ideas. Well it was really Jasper Cullen, one of the filthy blood suckers who apparently Sam made a peace pact with and was planning on keeping for now.
We had just dealt with an attack from a bunch of blood suckers but Jasper told us that Bella, this human they were trying to protect and that Jacob is in love with (oh my god his eternal monologues about this girl would make me gag), was not safe and that we all needed to be ready in case of another attack.
I could careless about some girl I had no connection to and I felt that Jacob should give up on her since she was obviously with the moody blood sucker. I don't know if he is always moody but when every Jacob was around him I could see him fighting something in his face like he was reacting to something I couldn't understand.
I learned later from Mark, who talked to him, that his name was Edward and that he could read minds so he knew every thought that Jacob had about Bella and that it bothered him.
Well that bothered me too. I mean I already had no privacy in my own mind as a wolf and now even as a human I would have no privacy from this one blood sucker. Wasn't life just peachy keen?
Anyway this Saturday was turning out very boring. Mark and I were sitting on his couch watching some show I don't even know what it was anymore because Mark had just shocked the hell out of me. It all started innocent enough.
"Hey Kat can I talk to you about something?" Mark asked as he lounged on the couch with his shirt off and his blond hair falling in his face.
I plopped on the couch arm and couldn't help but laugh. He looked so relaxed and at the same time so nervous. "Sure thing Wolfy."
Wolfy was my nickname for him. He always laughed when I said it since he pointed out that I was one just as much as he was.
"Kat be serious please. I really want to talk to you about something important." He looked so serious that I stopped joking around and moved his feet over so I could sit down.
"Sorry Mark. What's on your mind?" I picked up a magazine and started to flip through it.
"Kat please put that down and listen to me." He sat up and took the magazine from me and looked at me with such an odd look.
"Ok ok you have my full attention now." I looked at him trying to figure out what was going on with him but I had no idea.
"Kat we have known each other for years now. And you have been living here with me for a year and I think it's time I told you something."
I couldn't help myself at this point, "That you're a wolf? I already know that Wolfy."
Mark got up and ran his fingers through his hair and looked down at me. "Kat I am freaking serious here. This is something important and I can't hide it from you anymore ok?"
"Mark what is going on?"
"Kat I imprinted on you. I did back when I first met you but I was scared to tell you because I hardly knew you and now it's been years and I mean we have lived together all this time and I am tired of constantly having to fight my own thoughts to keep them from you."
I was floored. Mark had imprinted on me? I had never known that. I mean I know he cared about me otherwise he wouldn't have been there for me when I needed someone around in my life, but imprinted on me? That was just wow.
"Kat please talk to me."
Apparently I had been silent while all these thoughts ran through my mind.
"Mark I don't know what to say." I was being honest. I really didn't know what to say.
Mark groaned. "I knew it. I shouldn't have said anything I should have kept my fat ass mouth shut." He turned to leave to his room.
"Don't leave."
"Then what do I do?" He turned to look at me and I could see he was fighting to control his self.
I couldn't believe I had caused him to phase practically. He never phased for anything unless Sam needed him too.
"Come and sit back down and talk to me."
He looked at me and walked back to the couch stiffly and sat down across from me with his arms across his chest. He looked so hurt and upset.
I reached for his hand but he wouldn't give it to me.
"Mark. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"Because I was afraid this would happen." He was grinding his teeth trying to keep himself calm.
"Afraid I would be surprised?"
"No. Afraid you wouldn't say anything because you didn't feel the same way about me and I can see that I was right to feel this way and I listened to your stupid ass brother and this is what I get." He got up and walked to his room and slammed the door.
I couldn't get up. I just sat there thinking over what he had said and all the time I had spent around him and what he was probably thinking. How could I have not seen this from him? He was always so caring and understanding and I am as thick as a brick apparently.
I phased into my wolf form and sat with my head on my paws. I was so stupid. All the signs were there in front of me all this time. No one else showed me this kind of attention and I was blind as a bat.
I got up and sulked to his door and scratched on it.
"Go Away Kat!"
I scratched louder and harder on his door. I know he hated to hear this. I always did this when I was upset and he couldn't block me out forever. His caring side would win over his pissed off side. I knew it.
I could hear him moving around on the other side of the door and I whimpered and scratched on the door.
Mark pushed open the door and went and lay on his bed with his head in his pillow.
"Kat please just let me wallow in my own pain and misery," he said into the pillow so his voice was muffled.
I licked his hand hanging over the side of the bed. And nudged his hand trying to get him to pay attention to me or to at least look at me.
Mark slowly rolled over and looked at me. I could see the pain and rejection written all over his face and my heart broke. I hurt him so much and I hadn't known what to say.
I licked his cheek and lay my head on the side of the bed looking at him with my big blue eyes.
Mark reached out and scratched my head. "I know you are sorry Kat. I accept your apology. Now please leave me alone."
I shook my head and sat down showing him I meant business. I saw a little grin spread across his face.
"Fine Kat you can stay. Now please phase back so we can actually talk."
I nodded and phased back sitting on his floor. Luckily I had been wearing my clothes for practice later otherwise that would have been a problem.
"Mark I am sorry I didn't say anything when you told me. I am just a really blind person when it comes to things like this you know that. You saw how long it took me to register that Sam had imprinted on Emily."
He started to grin, "You are a little thick sometimes aren't you?"
"Yes I am I am extremely thick when it comes to things like this. And I realize now that you have been doing subtle things to show me that you care but I just took them all as you just being my friend and that was wrong. I should have realized there was more. I mean seriously you always talking about baseball when we are phased? You hate baseball.
He started to laugh and slid off his bed to sit in front of me. "I thought that would have been a dead give away. Sam noticed something was up right away when I started to do that. You should have seen the look on his face when I phased back."
"I can imagine that look," I was smiling and laughing now. "I am sorry Mark. What can I say?" I took his hand in mine and held it there. I could see him light up when I touched him.
We sat there looking at each other and next thing I knew he was kissing me. As my mind raced through a rush of thoughts I realized that I had imprinted on Mark then and there. He was the one for me just like I was the one for him and I had to tell him.
After we finished kissing and he looked at me I could see the joy and happiness filling his face and I couldn't help but show the same thing to him.
"Mark…"
He looked at me curiously and I could see that he was waiting for me to go on but I wasn't going to continue till he had answered me himself. It took him long enough but I guess he was hoping I would break the silence.
"Yes Kat?"
I couldn't help it as the smile filled my face and I looked at him. At that moment my heart was his and his alone.
"Mark I imprinted on you." I whispered and watched him for his reaction.
What he did I was not expecting. His face lit up like nothing I had ever seen from him before and he pulled me into his arms and held me there. Neither of us spoke for awhile, just enjoying each other's company.
Finally he spoke in a whisper, "Kat I love you."
"Mark I love you too." I kissed his lips softly and lay my head against his chest as he ran his hand up and down my arm.
I relaxed against him and just enjoyed being with him. I knew that all too soon we would have to head out in the pouring rain and go to Sam's training session and I wasn't looking forward to that at all.
Someone knocked on the door and the mood was killed like that. I groaned and looked at Mark and could tell he was just as upset as I was at the interruption.
"Someone should get that," I said and looked at him.
"Yeah someone probably should. Let's go get it baby." And with that he kissed my head and we got up and went to answer the door and who was there but my brother.
"Ahhh Trace what do you want?" I couldn't help but sound rude. He was the last person I wanted to see right now.
But he ignored me and looked at Mark, "Well did you tell her?"
Mark laughed. "Yes I did and after some discussion she feels the same way about me."
"See I knew she was in love with you." Trace looked at me and grinned. "She may not have known it but I always knew that she was in love with you. I am sure she thinks I didn't pay attention but I did. Always did and always will."
There was that smug look on his face that I hated so much. He may have been right about this but he didn't have to look so smug about it.
"Yes Trace you were right this once in your life."
"Awww Kitty Kat I am right about more than just this." And he hugged me and rubbed my head messing up my hair.
I was so confused. What had happened to my asshole of a brother? He had not called me Kitty Kat in years. Not since his accident happened. So what caused him to call me that again? I mean all the time I spent with him he had never once called me that.
"Trace what is going on?" My eyes filled with tears and I couldn't help it. It was my old brother he was still there somewhere in this person who I had not known for years.
Trace pulled me in and held me close. "Kitty Kat what is wrong?" He looked at me and held me as I cried in his arms. My brother was back. It was my Trace. He came back to me.
"Tracer Racer it's you. That's what it is. You came back to me." I could no longer go on speaking and just cried as he held me.
Trace just held me and rubbed my back and whispered, "I am back Kitty Kat. I won't be going away again I promise you that. Your big brother is here to stay."
We stayed that way for a long time. It felt so safe to be back in my brother's arms since he had been gone for so long and that stranger had taken his place.
"Kat," Mark said and cleared his voice. "We have to get going to Sam's practice."
I pulled away from Trace slowly and nodded. "We should get going then shouldn't we? Are you coming Trace? I know you love to watch practice."
He gave me the oddest grin and said, "Go ahead without me. I think I will skip it today. I have something important to do."
"Oh ok then. I guess we will see you later then."
Trace nodded and moved out of the way so Mark and I could leave and he followed us down the driveway to his car. "Have a good night you two."
And with that he was in his car driving down the street. We watched him for a minute and then Mark took my hand and we headed toward the beach.
We walked along looking out at the water and just talking the whole time till we saw the rest of the pack. There seemed to be some big meeting taking place or about to take place at least so we ran over to join them.
"There you two are. We have been waiting for you." Paul said from his spot on a rock.
"Sorry we got detained." Mark said with a smile.
"Everyone quiet down now and let's get things to order." Sam said as he walked into the middle of the group. "We have some very important news to take care of right now."
The pack quieted down and watched Sam waiting eagerly for whatever news he had for us.
Sam cleared his throat and began to speak, "As you all know we have been practicing and there has always been an extra spectator with us and as of right now he isn't with us. There is a reason for that."
I looked at Mark and mouthed, "What is going on?"
He shrugged looking just as confused as me by the whole thing.
Sam looked at us and we sheepishly turned our attention back to him.
"Like I was saying Trace is not with us tonight, but there is a very good reason for that. As some of you may know," He looked at me and I couldn't help but look confused.
"Something happened to him years ago and now it has finally been completed. Thirteen years ago Trace started his phasing into a wolf, to be a part of the pack."
I was in complete shock. Trace was a wolf?
"Thirteen years ago we had our first scare with the cold ones so some of us phased for our first times. Some took to it better than others. With Trace though he had problems, he couldn't quite get the hang of it. We worked with him and tried to help him but he couldn't phase properly and this irritated him."
There was a murmur from the crowd as they whispered to each other and waited for Sam to continue. Once they had all quieted down again he continued.
"Over the years we have been allowing Trace to watch practice and be around the pack because he is a pack member. You all wondered why we would allow an outsider in and that is why we have. He has earned his place in this pack and finally he is able to control himself and is one of us."
At this point we heard a rustling in the trees to our left and looked and there was a gray wolf with bright blue eyes. Trace's eyes. I would recognize them anywhere. That was my brother. He was a wolf too.
At this point nothing could surprise me. The day was as weird as it could be at this point so what Sam said next was a complete surprise.
"Trace has decided he doesn't want to be a part of our pack."
The pack was in shock and started to yell and talk louder trying to be heard over the person sitting next to them.
Sam growled and there was silence once again. "Like I said he wants to start his own pack and I am agreeing to let him do this. He has asked that if anyone wants to join him to go ahead, but he has also asked that Kat and Mark join his pack."
The whole pack turned to look at Mark and I and I didn't know what to say. I was still in shock and now everyone was waiting for my answer.
What was I supposed to say? He was my brother and he expected a yes from me, but I was with this pack and if I went to join Trace I would break my tie to this pack and that would confuse me since I would no longer be able to hear their thoughts when I was phased.
I could feel Mark sitting next to me and he wasn't moving. He hated attention like this and I could tell he wasn't enjoying being put on the spot to make a decision like this.
I was pretty sure if we both could we would melt into nothingness at this point in time and just disappear from the world. We had been with this pack and this was all we knew. We knew what everyone expected from each other and what to do in a fight with each other.
I know in Trace's pack it would be the three of us and that felt awkward to me to be in such a small pack after getting used to the size of ours.
Trace walked over and nudged my arm with his head and I could see that he was waiting for my answer. He looked so set on me joining him and I couldn't turn him down now that I knew what had really been going on for all these years.
"Yes Tracer Racer I will join your pack," I watched him and he was wagging his tail like a little puppy dog. "Someone happy Trace?"
Trace jumped up and licked my face and next thing I knew I was laying in the dirt with a big wolf for a brother on my chest licking my face like no other.
Mark sat there laughing silently to himself. "I will join you also Trace, just cut off on the love for me."
Trace barked and licked his hand then went back to standing over me wagging his tail and looking like one big goofy dog with the look on his face.
"Ok everyone, they have made their decision." Sam said getting things back in order. "Does anyone else want to join them?"
The pack was silent. No one said a word.
I guess we were officially shunned from the pack now.
Jacob stood up and walked over to Trace and smiled. "I always knew it you could get a handle on this Trace. I still wish you would think about staying with us, but I know you had your mind made up a long time ago to do this and I will always be your friend if you need me."
Trace nodded and then turned to us. He looked at us with his big blue eyes and then he ran off in the woods and came back later back in his human form.
He ran over and hugged me so tight that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to breathe. He was laughing and smiling so very big that I could tell he was overjoyed right now.
"Trace she needs some air you know," Mark said tapping him on the shoulder.
Trace laughed and let me go. "Sorry Kitty Kat. I am just so glad that you said yes and you too Mark."
"I know you are Trace, but a little air once in awhile is a god thing I think." I was laughing even though I was trying to act serious.
The rest of the evening went kind of slow since Sam talked to the three of us making sure that we understood of that once we left the pack we would be blocked from their thought speak connection. We told him we understand and then we just spent this as our last night with these pack members.
Starting tomorrow Trace was going to talk to us about our pack and what we were going to be doing and training and all those kinds of things. But once the meeting ended he said that we could go our own way for the night and do what we wanted since he was going to be coming over to our house nice and early tomorrow morning.
So Mark and I headed home to enjoy our evening after the odd pack meeting we had just been to.
The house was nice and cozy after having been out in the rain earlier. We were just happy to be in out of the cold and wet weather outside.
We went over to the couch and sat down.
"This has been one very odd day," Mark said with a chuckle.
"You're telling me." I couldn't help laughing as I thought over the day's events. My mind was spinning from everything at this point, but I knew I was doing the right thing. At least I hoped that I was.
Mark put his arm around me and held me close to him on the couch.
"You happy Kat?"
I nodded. I was happy. Very happy and I didn't know what else to say to him to show him that I was happy.
"Go to sleep Kat we have a big day tomorrow." And with that one statement I feel fast asleep.
The next thing I knew there was a light shining in my face.
"Turn off the light," I mumbled.
"I can't turn off the sun sleepy head," Mark said with a chuckle.