I never in a million years thought that this day would come. I never thought that today would be the day that my daughter and I would have to say good-bye to my husband and her father. I guess I always knew in the back of my mind that there was a chance of this happening; it is after all what happens when you choose to be an army wife. But still it was an absolute shock when Shane came home six months ago saying he was going to be deployed. The moment that the words left his mouth it was as if time stood still. Everything about our lives together, our past, our present, our future, flashed before my eyes. It seemed like hours before the shock subsided, but in reality it was only a few short minutes. That was the point where I broke down crying. But I realized that I had to pull myself together, I had to be strong. Not for me, but for that little three-year-old girl that was playing in the other room. I had to keep strong for Sophie.
When I joined the army ten years ago I was fresh out of high school. I was fearless. I had no one to think of but myself. But now as I am standing at the airport ready to fly to some war torn country, I am full of fear and I am thinking of everything but myself. I look down and I meet my wife's eyes, they are full of tears and I know that mine are too. I look at that little girl that is clutching my Lilly's hand for dear life, her eyes are huge and her lip is quivering. It is now that I feel that first tear fall and slip down my cheek. I promised Lilly and myself I would keep it together, that I wouldn't cry. My eyes immediately search for Lilly's and I ask for forgiveness for my broken promise that she would never see me cry. Her eyes show nothing but forgiving. Things will never be the same for us, even if I told them I won't go away today.
"Lilly," I choke out in a voice that is vaguely familiar. She looks up at me. Her green are eyes shining with the tears that are once again threatening to escape.
"Daddy, please don't go away," cries Sophie. "I want you to stay with me and mommy."
"Sophie, hunny bug, I have to go, its daddy's job. Sweetie I know that you can't understand it now, but you will when you're older. I promise." I replied
"But Daddy…"
"Hunny bug, It's okay, daddy will be back soon," said Lilly as she swept the little girl up into her arms.
My flight number is echoing through the loud speakers. I know now that it is officially time for me to go. I look around the room; all the other solders are standing there struggling with having to say good bye knowing that for some of them this could be the last time. Somehow I find comfort in knowing I am not alone. Never in my life have I ever been in such a depressing room. I look down and take the little girl from Lilly's arms. I take a good look at her. I try and memorize every little thing about her. Her unruly brown curly hair that is so much like my own to her two bright green eyes and her cute little button nose that she no doubt gets from her mom. I hold that my little Sophie tight against my chest and her arms cling around my neck. I feel the dampness of her tears on my shoulders. I tell her how much I love her and that I will be home before she knows it and I set her back on the ground. I grab my wife and hold her for what will be the last time for a year. Her body quivers against mine. The cries escape from deep within her chest, but are muffled by my shirt. I know that she is trying to hide it, trying to fight it. Lilly has always been selfless and strong. Caring about everyone else but herself. I pull her even closer if that is at all possible and lean down and whisper.
"Just remember that even though I'm not there right now to hold your hand, to wipe away your tears, and even though I seem so far away, remember this is all just temporary, but I am always in your heart and you're in mine. And that is permanent."
"Shane," Lilly cried.
"Shh…. No more tears"
With that I whisper one more I love you and turn and walk through to the terminal.
It's been almost four months since Shane left. You would think that things get easier for me every day, but it really hasn't. Everyday Sophie asks when her daddy will be coming home and I just have to keep telling her soon, daddy will be home soon. The only thing that really keeps us going is the weekly letters that we receive. Shane tells me how hard it is over there. How he can't fall asleep at night because the gunfire keeps him awake. In his last letter Shane explained how just the other day three men in his division her killed and 5 more were injured. I can just tell him about life back home. I tell him how Sophie is now able to print her name and how my little sister is now getting married. There is one secret that I am forcing myself to keep from him.
It's come to the point where we don't really even turn the TV on anymore in gear of hearing that another solider has died. Many of my friends have lost their husbands, or they have been injured. I feel like a sitting duck waiting for the knock on my door. I pray that it won't ever come. Shane shouldn't have to go through this. No one should. But I still ask don if there is any way that I could take his place. Even though I avoid the new reports when Sophie is around I still watch late at night to hear the news reports. I hear how we take three steps forward and two steps back. I wish that I could make it all go away.
It's been close to six months, 23 days, 14 hours, and 36 minutes since I last saw my family. Things are incredibly hard over here and the only thing that keeps me going is the weekly letters I receive from Lilly. She told me how Sophie can now print her name. I was so excited when I read this I think I told everyone in my infantry. Sophie was even able to sign the bottom of the letter. Even though I was so happy to hear about it and see it, I couldn't help but be a little jealous that Lilly got to experience it firsthand. Lilly writes to me that her sister is getting married and that she is helping he plans. So that is keeping her occupied. But I can tell in her letters that she is lonely. I have started ending every letter with the same words I said when I left her at the airport. I tell her over and over again that even though I am not there right now I am in her heart and that she couldn't get rid of me if she tried. I'm permanent.
It's been a few weeks since I last heard from Shane. I know I shouldn't worry but I can't help it. This isn't like him at all. Since he's been gone he has sent a letter every week. Shane's been gone almost nine months now. Sophie still misses him like crazy. So do I. I read the last letter I received over and over again. He tells me how they are getting ready for some big dangerous mission, but tells me not to worry. How am I not supposed to worry when he says that! I am taken away from my thoughts when a knock sounds at my door. I hear Sophie answer the door and a man's voice asks where her mother is, and if he can speak to me. Sophie ushers him into the room. He introduces himself to me as Officer Ryan Sutton. He looks down at me a look of shock covers his face as he comes face to face with my extremely swollen belly.
"Mrs. Hunt, I am so sorry, but your husband Private Shane Hunt was killed in the line of duty two weeks ago." Said Officer Sutton, "He died in the line of duty, doing what he thought was right and honorable."
I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. Shane was gone. I was pregnant and I never even got to tell him. My unborn child would never know his father. Sophie would never see him again. I would never seem him again. I couldn't keep myself from crying. Screw the promise I made to him saying I wouldn't cry. I would never see my husband again; I would never get a chance to kiss his lips, to be held in his arms, to feel his heart beat, to listen to his breathing as he slept. Shane was gone.
It's been almost a five years since Shane died. Our son Shane Joseph Hunt Jr. is almost a five years old. He is a spitting image of his dad. Except for the fact he has blond straight hair. He acts just like him. He loves terrorizing his older sister. When he's excited he starts to talk really fast and can't sit still just like Shane used to. He even has Shane's laugh. Sometimes I find it hard to look at him without bursting into tears. He reminds me so much of his father. He was born three days after Shane's birthday and two weeks early. It is getting easier as the days go by. I am able to look through our wedding photos without bursting into tears which is a real bonus. Sophie is eight now. It is crazy how fast time flies. It seems like just yesterday me and Shane brought her home from the hospital. The kids ask about their dad all the time. I make it a rule now that before bed I tell them a story about Shane and our life together, I think this is the best way for them to learn and know about their father. Little Shane probably asks the most questions, he always wonders why there are no pictures of daddy holding him when there are pictures of Shane holding Sophie. Those are the hardest to answer. I still don't think I found the right answer to his questions.
I miss Shane, not a day goes by when I don't think about him. I try and visit him at least once a week. I keep him updated on what is going on in our lives, sometimes I don't even have to talk when I am there. I just sit and listen to the wind. And sometimes if I listen close enough and I am really quiet I can hear him whisper the words "I'm Permanent"….