What's this? Can it be? A Faerieland plot? Has TNT finally answered our prayers?
YES, ladies and gentlemen, TNT has! Faerieland is now the last and final land to receive its very own plot! (Besides those useless mini-lands no one cares about. I'm looking at you, Kiko Lake)
Anyway! Without further ado…THAR'S A SPOOF NEEDS TYPIN'
THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 1
Setting: The Faerie Festival…or what would have been, had the faeries not all been turned to stone.
*mutters bitterly about not being able to collect my free items*
Gazing upon the stone faeries is a shady-looking Ixi, a thief named Hanso…
Hanso (looking at a frozen faerie wearing a necklace): This is terrible…the necklace turned to stone with the faerie. What a shame.
Necklace: F&$ off. No bling for yu.
Hanso: Well screw you too! I don't need you! There's plenty more loot to be had! In fact…*spies a faerie's purse on the ground* JACKPOT.
(Hanso begins to dig through the purse for valuables, when he hears a voice behind him)
Mysterious voice: We should nearly be there…
Hanso: Buh? *turns around*
(OH SHIT IT'S MUTHAF***IN' KING ALTADOR)
Hanso: Meep! *hides behind a faerie*
Altador (to his two accompanying guards): Yes, here we are. The festival is up ahead.
Hanso: What the hell…I'm hiding behind a FAERIE. I'm losing major man points for this…
Altador: It's just as I'd feared—the entire Faerie Festival, turned to stone.
Guard #1: *stares blankly* Um…you sure they aren't just freakishly realistic garden statues?
Altador: You're fired.
(A Kougra walks in behind Altador. Her name is Brynn.)
Brynn: King Altador? Your majesty, I'm called Brynn, and King Hagan sent me to investigate this strange occurrence.
Altador: Why didn't he send Roberta?
Brynn: I'm just as capable—
Altador: SHE'S the one that stopped the Darkest Faerie.
Brynn: Are you suggesting that I'm—
Altador: These are dark times. We need a real hero.
Brynn: …
Altador: Just sayin'.
Brynn: *coughs* Right. Look, I'm offering my assistance anyway.
Altador: Well met, I guess. Props to Hagan. Props.
Hanso: *looks over the faerie's shoulder at Brynn* The hell is she doing here?
Brynn: *examines the frozen form of Queen Fyora* Who could've done this? Fyora herself turned the Darkest Faerie to stone…who could be powerful enough to do the same to every faerie in Neopia?
Altador: Indeed. The magic appears to be similar, but the sheer magnitude of the spell is mind-boggling.
Brynn: Indeed, my mind is quite boggled.
Hanso: Lame!
Brynn: Who said that?
Hanso: *steps out from behind the faerie* Perhaps I could be of assistance?
*multiple blades are held at his neck*
Hanso: Or not…it was just a suggestion. Jeez. :I
Brynn: Hanso? What are you doing here?
Hanso: What are you doing here?
Brynn: Official order of King Hagan.
Hanso: Yeah? Well me too. So there. *sticks tongue out*
Altador: Boy, I will smack you so hard…
Hanso: Yeah whatever, old man. I'm too sexy for this shit. *hair toss*
Altador: Brynn, how do you know this rogue? He looks rather...unsavory.
Brynn: Our paths have crossed a few times before. Mostly during the time he spent in the Brightvale dungeons.
Hanso: And I would've gotten away with it, too…
(Another mysterious voice from out of nowhere joins the conversation)
Mysterious voice: I wouldn't trust him, if I were you.
(IT'S MUTHAF***IN' JAZAN. SWEET CHRIST ON A CRACKER HE'S SO BADASS ALKFHLFHGL)
Altador: JAZAN?
Jazan: That's King Jazan, Altador.
Altador: Well that's King Altador, Jazan.
Jazan: That's King Jazan, Altador!
Altador: That's King Altador, Jazan!
Jazan: That's King Altador, Jazan!
Altador: That's KING Jazan, and that's final!
Jazan: Thank you. :D
Altador: …aw, dammit.
Hanso: Awww, come on now, don't listen to him. Of course you can trust this face! I'll tell you everything I know about who's behind this…for a price.
Jazan: *grabs Hanso by his shirt and picks his bitch-ass up* Tell me, why should we trust the words of a scoundrel who would steal from helpless faeries fossilized by some treachery? How do I know it wasn't you who wrought this foul magic upon them?
Hanso: Because I'm only a level 13 thief. I won't reach level 14 rogue until I gain another 300 experience points!
Jazan: …gimme that nerd shit one more time and this sexy eyeliner will be the last thing you ever see.
Hanso: Don't raze me, bro.
Jazan (to Brynn): I arrived an hour ago to find this twat stealing from the faeries. I was keeping an eye on him because I thought he might somehow be involved in this curse.
Brynn: *facepalm* Oh, Hanso, when will you ever learn?
Hanso: Hey, I'm obviously the anti-hero protagonist of this story that has to learn a valuable lesson. Get off my back, woman.
Altador (to Jazan): I hope to free the faeries from this curse. Was that your reason for coming here too, King Jazan?
Jazan: Word.
Altador: You're welcome to join us, then. We need more hands on the side of good in these dark times.
Jazan: Was that subtle hinting that the darkest faerie is back and behind all this?
Altador: …no…
Brynn: I'm sure I'm going to regret this, but maybe we should listen to what Hanso has to say. He's our only lead, after all.
Hanso: *cheesy grin* :D
Altador: *narrows his eyes* I've trusted thieves before (shout-out to Kelland, w00t w00t! [go look at the TCG cards from the Darkest Faerie expansion if you don't know :I]) so I'm willing to hear this story. But have care with your words, young Ixi. I'll be watching you very closely.
Hanso: Hey, hands off the goods, bro. This jacket is real leather. *pops collar* Now, as for the matter of my fees. I charge five Neopoints a word, 10 for anything with more than two syllables…
*more swords are held to his neck*
Hanso: All right! All right…for you lovely people, it's eight.
Brynn: HANSO.
Hanso: Ffff, fine, be a bitch about it. I'll tell what I know, free of charge. So there I was, walking through Faerieland, on the outskirts of the city…
Brynn: Yeah? And?
Hanso: And what? That's where my speech bubble ends. Gotta wait until chapter two for the rest, baby. ;D
Brynn: Call me that again and I'll rearrange your face!
Hanso: I like 'em feisty.
Brynn: I'll throw you back in those dungeons in a heartbeat.
Hanso: I knew you liked me chained up. ;D
*Brynn and Hanso continue on with their bickering*
Altador: *sigh* I knew Hagan should have sent Roberta…
Chapter 1, end