The Melting Ice Incident
"This is so. Your. Fault!"
"Right back at you."
"Hmm... I feel flattered that you're blaming this on me. One could call it an 'achievement', eh?"
"No use in arguing about it now."
"Yes, you're right, forgive me. So what should we do next?"
"Well... where's your polar bear?"
"I don't know... I can't see him. Maybe he's sleeping somewhere warm."
"Somewhere warm? Come on, this is the North Atlantic."
"Well, you live here and you still grow bananas."
"Point."
"What do you want from him anyway?"
"To swim ashore and find help, maybe?"
"Oh, that's right! That would have come in handy."
"That was obvious..."
"Was it?"
"Yes."
"Oh... sorry... I'm being stupid, right?"
"Yes."
"Don't say it so bluntly!"
"You asked."
"You could still be polite!"
"It feels stupid in this situation."
"Oh..."
...
"And I'm not good at it to begin with."
"I could have guessed that much..."
...
...
...
"So what are we supposed to do now? It's going to be little cramped here soon if we don't–"
"You think it's not cramped already?"
"Concentrate, please, Iceland, I want to go home."
"Okay, okay."
...
...
"Could you move a little to the right, please?"
"No."
"Okay, then maybe a little backwards?"
"No."
"Hmm."
"I wouldn't care to swim, you see."
"Yes, I see, me neither. I understand. It's not a problem."
"...?"
"Yeah, okay, it is, but it can't be helped, can it?"
"No."
"You're as talkative as always, aren't you?"
"No. Usually, I don't talk this much."
"Oh, okay..."
...
"Can I blame global warming for this?"
"You can blame global warming for anything."
"Got it."
...
...
...
...
"Fucking global warming."
...
...
"Oh dear, I can actually hear this ice getting smaller–"
"Don't jinx it!"
"Look, there. Again. Seems the ice isn't that strong after all."
"Kattaskítur..."
"Hey, I have to move my hand a little or it'll get wet– whoops, sorry!"
"..."
"I– uh..."
"It's okay."
"Oh, okay. But I have to keep my hand here anyway... If it doesn't disturb you too much?"
"Have it your way."
"Really, I don't mean anything... I just have some–"
"I said I didn't care."
"Yeah, but I really–"
"Can't be helped, right?"
"Yes... okay then... sorry..."
...
...
"Well, umm... where's your bird then?"
"At home. It felt lazy today."
"Useful pet, eh?"
"You're one to talk. And Puffin is my friend."
"Yes, I'm sorry. But now we have this little problem here."
"Mm."
...
"So what are we going to do with this melting piece of ice?"
"The water is far too cold to swim in."
"I'm definitely not going to try. Ahh... I wanna go home and drink some hot tea."
"Seconded."
"Better think something up before this cramped space becomes disturbing."
"..."
"Are you... worried about it?"
"I would be if you were Denmark."
"Oh, I see. So it's okay then, eh?"
"I didn't say that."
"Oh... you right. Let's just think of how we can get back home."
"Already trying."
...
...
"What if we send some kind of emergency signal or something?"
"With what?"
"Umm... My glasses? I can try to make them flash in the sunlight and–"
"Except it's cloudy."
"Yes, that's a bit of a problem."
...
"Anything else we could use for a signal?"
"Well... scream?"
"Oh... would anybody hear it?"
"No."
"..."
"Probably not."
"Hmmm..."
"But at least no one can say we didn't try."
"Yeah you're right. Here goes–"
...
"Eh, what should I say?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Okay. Ahhhhhhh!"
"..."
"Ahhhhhhh!"
"Canada!"
"Ahh– eh? What is it?"
"Not. In. My. Ear."
"Sorry, but, eh... There really isn't any space for me to turn around, so I can't shout in any other direction.
"..."
"Wh... what?"
"...I'll kill the guy who invented global warming..."
"Oh."
...
"But I think they're already dead..."
"... ...Fuck."
...
...
"Then I'll take revenge on those who are to blame right now."
"Sounds cool. Can I join in?"
"Be my guest."
"Good. So I can blame one fifth on America, right?"
"...? Something like that."
"Whee, how refreshing. Why are you smiling, Iceland?"
"No special reason."
"Well, anyways, dessert should always be saved for last. Let's invent something useful for now so we can have some fun later– could you stop smiling like that please, it's freaking me out!"
"Then don't look."
"So you can't stop smiling?"
"No."
"I think I might add you to my fun list..."
"Bring it on."
"..."
"..."
...
...
"Or maybe we should try to get ashore first?"
"Yeah. Maybe."
...
...
...
"Say, can you talk to fish?"
"... ...What?"
"You're a master at fishing, right?"
"That doesn't necessarily mean that I date fish, you know."
"Yeah but–"
"Seychelles is a bit of an exception."
"Oh."
...
"Sorry..."
"Stop apologizing."
"Sorry... whoops?"
"..."
"Sor–"
"Just forget it."
"Okay..."
...
...
"Okay now, let's think this over. What do we have here?"
"Ice. Water. Cold."
"...I didn't mean that."
"Then what?"
"We have 'ice', now we need 'land'."
"Very. Funny. Canada..."
"What are our chances of getting back to solid ground?"
"Mm... sinking?"
"Stop that! And the seabed is not what I meant when I said 'solid ground'!"
"It's easier to get there though."
"Why do you have to be so negative all the time...?"
"Learnt from experience."
"Couldn't you just try to be positive? For me if nothing else?"
"It's easier to be negative."
"Huh... this is so gonna be the last time I ever come fishing with you."
A/N: Kattaskitur means bullshit in Icelandic, cat being the operative animal
I hope I made Canada and Iceland sound like themselves, it was a bit hard to make the story flow with their lines only, but I think I managed somehow. =)
Hazel-Beka, thank you for beta-ing this lump of crack as well