To be Reborn

I feel dead inside, they took the real me.

My sanity flees

While my parents weep and I steal

Their money and time.

I feel dead inside, and I no longer cry

For my tears shrank with my size

While those of my parents still fly

For what I do just to feel.

I feel dead inside, I feel violated

With my hopes being annihilated

From my voice rising

My parents sighing

And my sanity flying.

I feel dead inside, for I can't feel anymore

Now having locked myself in this room forevermore

Knowing I will find peace with myself nevermore

Inside this new body of mine.

It is strange, being inside a body that is not mine. I am now female, despite being born male and am now insane, despite never having mental illness before. Everyone claims that anyway, no one believes I was once male, not even my family. So now, I walk to school, feeling just like whoever wrote this poem. I know I did, but for some reason I feel that when I write, I'm a separate person. I don't feel awkward when I write, so I think it is the old me writing. Now, I don't know who I am anymore. But, I go to school anyway, hoping things will get better overtime, despite knowing that is a lie.

I go to my class, and immediately hear Haruhi yelling. Man, I HATE that chick, she constantly bothers me. Why? I don't know, apparently she has a fascination with tomboys who claim they used to be male. Usually, I just try to ignore her, but today it is just getting far too annoying. This probably has something to do with her slamming my head into a desk and claiming I'm an alien because of, my strange behavior I think. It's hard to tell with Haruhi at times. But who knows, maybe she is trying to help me out under all that insanity. However, that is unlikely, considering she slams my head into desks among other things.

My name used to be Kyon, now everyone calls me Kyonko, even though the former is my real name. But then, no one believes me anymore, so I gave up long ago on getting people to say the proper name. While I tried to leave, Haruhi suddenly dragged me out into the hall. There, she said, "Kyonko, help me organize my club. I need you to find out all the rules while I get a clubroom and members. If you don't participate, I will rip your dress of in front of the student body for their viewing pleasure."

Okay, with Haruhi, that isn't an empty threat, she will rip off my dress for all to see. She'll probably rip off the rest of my clothes while she is at it too. There is no end to what Haruhi will go through to humiliate me. A week ago she tore my shirt off so everyone could see my bra and parts of my breasts. Yeah, she did this for the unforgivable crime of IGNORING HER! Seriously? So yeah, I don't want to picture what she will do if I don't find out the rules for the club.

The rules turned out to be, rather simple. You needed a clubroom, 5 students and a teacher to supervise. The last one doesn't seem to hold much weight judging by the anime club watching hentai anime and the literature club having the whole Yaoi manga scandal. The latter involved giving out Yaoi to fan girls in return for more members in the literature club. This isn't surprising considering the literature club is normally considered a rather boring club, so isn't exactly popular. Most people just treat it as a study hall to get homework done. So, when the scandal arose, the club fell apart. You see, the anime club doubles as the manga club now so have taken over Yaoi distribution. Why do we need a club for this? Well, it may be something to do with a campaign to crack down on pornography by the Mayer. Manga shops won't stock Yaoi for example and anime stores won't stock hentai. It will probably end soon, however for the time being we have to import stuff.

But anyway, the literature club will probably end up being where Haruhi will make her new club because they only have one member currently. That one member also probably comes with the room, considering all she ever seems to do is read these days. Seriously, I could probably strip or something and she wouldn't notice at all. Wish I could read whatever the hell she does, it must be more addictive than crack if she reads it that often. Now, hopefully I can leave school without being cornered by Haruhi, shouldn't be too hard. It isn't like she has the entire school under security surveillance by cameras she bought off of eBay.

As if to prove me wrong, Haruhi suddenly came out of nowhere and dragged me off to the clubroom. Along the way, she had me explain the rules. She said finding club members wouldn't be a problem. Okay, assuming Yuki comes with the room, you still two more. I'm assuming of course I'm a required recruit, which would make sense knowing Haruhi. I'm guessing she will just kidnap a couple of people, which would be typical Haruhi behavior, for the rest of the recruits. Well, I'm just hoping she gets expelled in the process because I'm frankly sick of dealing with her. I've got enough problems in my life; I don't need an ADHD chick who also needs some serious therapy regarding basic social behavior to make it worse.

Fortunately, after confirming the room was available and kind of recruiting Yuki, I could go home which I promptly did. At home, I did the usual stuff, which consists of writing depressing poetry and dressing in masculine clothes. The latter my parents don't approve of however they've learned not to question me on that. I've already done my homework in school, so after eating dinner, I go upstairs and start a very special process. This is the process of self-injury. The cutting and my writing are the only two escapes from all the crap going on in my life. Every time I cut myself, it feels as if a huge amount of stress leaks out of the cuts. The writing, on the other hand, slowly dissipates by comparison, so you can guess which one wins out. But, I still write because it may make money, judging by the amount of suicidal writers these days, and, more importantly, because it is much easier to hide than the cuts are. However, today calls for drastic measures, mainly because of Haruhi. So far, my cuts aren't that deep, but then I carve a somewhat deep one on my stomach. This gives me the release I need! It also gives me a crap ton of blood to hide however I'm not too worried about that. I've cleaned up a LOT more blood before regarding situations like this. After all, a girl has got to get by somehow right?

After completing the special ceremony and cleaning up the blood, I wrote some. Damn Haruhi, you really do increase the pressure inside of me. Even though I bled enough to probably put me in the average horror movie these days, I still needed more release. So, I decided to write about Yuki of all people. After all, she does make me curious and I won't about Haruhi until I have something positive to stick n because otherwise the entire poem would just be a massive rant, which is no fun.

Yuki, what do you read?

What can feed

On your time like deeds

Give out money?

Yuki, why so calm?

Even when the palm

Of Haruhi covers my mouth

Like that kid south

Of here that touches

Little girls while he clutches

A knife?

Yeah, it wasn't going too well so I went to bed. I hope that Haruhi is better tomorrow. However, that is unlikely, especially in a world where genders and memories change but she remains the same. Man my life sucks.