Title: The Not So Good Place

Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time. If I did, Adam & Eddy would be fired and picking up litter by the side of the highway. I don't own The Good Place, created by Mike Schur.

Summary: Based on the NBC sitcom The Good Place (and in response to a tumblr prompt), Emma ends up dead and in the wrong place, because, let's face it, even her goodness in the flashback past was retconned last season to make her a selfish idiot who got a woman killed. (Swanfire?)

Genre: Humor, parody, romance.

Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fork.

The Not So Good Place

CHAPTER ONE

THE MIX-UP

Emma Swan found herself sitting in an office facing a white-haired man in glasses and a bow tie who smiled kindly at her.

"Ah... how did I get here?" Emma asked after the startlement wore off. It wasn't exactly like suddenly being in a new place was unusual for her, but she didn't remember being in any sort of crazy predicament that might result in being magically poofed into a weirdly cheerful office with a very weird portrait of a doofus-looking guy on the wall.

"And... where is here? And who are you?" she concluded while the guy just kept smiling.

"Here is the Afterlife. You, Emma, are dead. I'm Michael, and I'm... well... you're greeter."

"I... I don't remember dying," Emma croaked out. "And I thought King Arthur was in charge of The Underworld?"

Michael groaned a little. "Oh, you know about that. Of course you do. I suppose it's common knowledge in the magical realms. What isn't such common knowledge is that The Underworld is... well... an unsanctioned realm and a bit of an embarrassment. Actually, to be perfectly frank, it's completely forked up."

"Did you just say forked?" Emma asked, her brain hurting.

"People in this part of the Afterlife don't like swearing," explained Michael.

"This... part?"

"Yes." He smiled. "You're in The Good Place, Emma."

"The Good... but... I thought everyone went to The Underworld. And then if you redeemed yourself there, Zeus-"

"Oh, don't get me started on Zeus," groaned Michael and he cleaned his glasses in an Archie sort of way.

"He was one of my classmates who flunked out of Architect School," the white-haired man - was he a man? - began explaining anyway. "He stole one of the magic pens and that crystal to make his own Afterlife, you see. Of course, that lazy sonofabench was better suited to designing The Bad Place since he slept with his sister and had a soft spot for rapists, so while The Underworld isn't as bad as The Bad Place, at least The Bad Place has rules."

After a pause, Michael continued, "Of course, Zeus also made his own Good and Bad Place, Elyssium and Tartarus, and he only came up with The Underworld because of a dispute we had over what to do with the Medium People."

"Medium... People?"

"People who are neither saintly nor demonic. Redeemable but, frankly, not the cream of the crop, some not even close," sighed Michael. "Anyway, Zeus quickly figured out what a pain in the ash it is to deal with those sorts, so he put his mentally unstable brother in charge, which just forked things up even more as Hades was especially manic about stealing away souls from the real Good and Bad Place, but since death can be... unwritten in those fake afterlifes, souls were always escaping, either by their own evil cunning like Sisyphus, or idiot living people finding portals to swap living for dead people or plead with Zeus to give them their loved one back.

"And don't get me started on The River of Lost Souls! If you can believe it," Michael scoffed, "some moron took her entire family, including her twelve year old son, to The Underworld to get her deadbeat murderer rapist boyfriend back and while she was at it at least one soul that Hades poached that was supposed to come here ended up sentenced to eternal torment because of her selfish stupidity! If anyone's going to the Bad Place, let me tell you..."

Emma sunk in her chair as her heart sunk somewhere in the vicinity of her stomach. Oh, this was not good. This was not good at all!

"But, of course, you don't need to worry about that!" Michael beamed. "I'm sure you were never tempted by those highly inaccurate to downright insulting portrayals of love and justice proliferated by those so-called Authors that Zeus and Hades employed to get souls by tricking them into confusing lust with love and a forked up sort of charity with justice and thus muddying their karma enough that they wouldn't get a straight shot here. Sadistically clever, really!"

Michael shook his head. "But what was I saying? Oh, yes, you being a savior, with a pure heart and all that, you avoided a lot of the temptations and falsehoods that plague most people in magical worlds under Zeus' thumb and results in so few of your people ending up here."

"Ah... yeah... obviously," Emma croaked out while trying to make sense of what this guy was saying. All that stuff in Henry's books was lies manipulated by some dropout from Heaven so he could steal souls for his own fun and games and play God? She was supposed to be in Hell because she rescued Hook? Then how the fork had she ended up here?

"I'm so excited. You're my first savior! I'm sure you have some amazing stories to tell about your selfless heroics!"

At Emma's anxious look, Michael settled a bit and apologized, "I'm sorry. Where are my manners? Of course, I'm sure you have more questions. This can be overwhelming, even for saviors who more-or-less expect an untimely demise."

Emma winced and asked, "So... I did get stabbed by someone in a cloak?"

Michael flipped open a file on his desk. "Oh, no actually. I know that's the most common way saviors go, but things got a bit muddy after that Jafar fellow altered the rules of magic. Plus some idiot went back in time and created a whole bunch of paradoxes that have been a bench to try and correct. Not to mention making two Dark Ones. Can you imagine? That must have racked up some serious bad karma. Hard to offset that."

As Emma sunk lower in her chair, Michael continued, "Let's see... it says here you were leaving a place called... the Dark Star Pharmacy after purchasing a box of Pina Colada Flavored condoms and a bottle of Sexy Girl lube, extra strength variety 'for the extra dry vagina'. You were crossing the street when you were distracted by what you thought was a wolf, but was actually a very large raccoon that had suffered some sort of engorgement spell, and were struck by a panel van being driven by... a drunk dwarf. The magical kind. And thrown about fifty feet down Main Street."

"Grumpy killed me!?" Emma exclaimed.

"No. You actually survived the crash rather amazingly," said Michael. "You used magic to cushion the blow and redirected your momentum. You were just getting up when a piano feel on you."

"A piano?"

"Yes. A grand piano. It was pink and glittery, apparently, and fell from about five hundred feet up where it was thrown out of a magical twister that some witch called... Zelena had conjured. It had picked up the piano from The Land of Music and a gay nightclub called The Enchanted Forest, founded by an emigrant from your world.

"Huh... I wonder if Zelena was trying to bring something from the actual Enchanted Forest and botched the spell?

"Anyway, it smooshed you pretty good. Like Loony Tunes smooshed. After the drunk dwarf puked on your boots - the only part sticking out from under the piano - your family showed up and magically removed the wreckage and tried unsuccessfully to revive you. Your boyfriend tried to true love kiss you awake, which is, of course, ridiculous since you weren't cursed, but I suppose he should get some points considering how horrifically mangled your face was. Not to mention you had apparently eaten for lunch something called Granny's Five Bean Stew and... well... it's true what they say about one's bowls when they-"

"I get the picture," grimaced Emma.

"Yes, it's a rather embarrassing way for a savior to go," nodded Michael, "that's why I didn't open with it. So... shall we? I think we just have time to stop by your new house before the Orientation!"

AN: Like The Good Place, I'm not sure where this is going. Maybe it will follow the show as the season unfolds. Suggestions are welcome.