Madame Lorraine Has Just What You Need
Author: Pinkcat456
Rating: K
Spoilers: No
Description: Madame Lorraine, from Potion, and Possession, is back. The team goes through her inventory, finding just what they need.
Disclaimer: I don't own Primeval, or the characters, except for Madame Lorraine.
Author's Notes: Several references to Possession, and may be a few to Potion. You may want to read those.
Madame Lorraine Has Just What You Need
"Gout remedy. What is gout, anyway?" asked Connor. "Oh, here's one for you, Action Man, 'natural calming lotion. Relax your cares away, with this natural blend of essential oils, and dried chrysanthemum, lilac, and pine needles. Ouch! Ooh, lotion, maybe Jess will rub it on for you."
Becker glared at Connor. "Madame Lorraine, do you have anything for someone who talks too much?"
Connor just smirked.
"Talking is good for the soul, Becker, dear. People who bottle things up tend to not be so healthy," said Madame, who winked at Becker.
"I'm very healthy, Madame L."
Mme Lorraine laughed, and patted his hand affectionately. Madame Lorraine was a seller and manufacturer of organic, mystical remedies. She also read palms, foretold the future, and as Jess put it, was an all around force for good.
She had helped Jess and Becker confess their love, and they were now a couple. There was also a strange incident involving Becker that she had helped with, for which Becker now adored Mme Lorraine. Jess always liked her, but now she was like an aunt or something.
"I hope you don't have anything for us chatterboxes," said Jess. "My boyfriend loves to hear me prattle on."
"Yes, I do," said Becker, kissing her quickly.
"Ah, it is wonderful to be in the midst of such strong love bonds," said Mme Lorraine.
"Um, Madame Lorraine, this skin moisturizer, will it work on say, reptile skin?" asked Abby.
"Hmm. I don't know. I only designed my products to work on living beings of this eon. Give it a shot, though and let me know how it works, dear."
Abby stood there. Jess saw her face.
"What did Madame guess now?"
"I wanted to know if this would work for Rex, and somehow she knew he wasn't from this time."
Jess smiled. "Isn't she amazing?"
"Thank you dear," said Mme Lorraine.
"You sure have a lot of stuff," said Connor. "Bath salts, baldness remedies circulation lotions, aromatherapy alcohol to clean equipment, really?"
Mme Lorraine nodded. "You do understand though dear, I can't offer a guarantee on equipment of your caliber."
"No, of course not," said Connor. "What else you got? Cornflower for good eyesight. Mug-wort, it alleviates female disorders, ew, also shows the future, big deal, so does my device. It protects against wild beasts. OK, we'll take several of these, Mme L. Se need some for the wild beast protection, not the female stuff. Ew."
Mme Lorraine smiled as she put the mug wort in a bag, and wrote up a sales slip.
'I found something," said Abby, "Solomon's seal, heals injuries. That could be useful."
Very, especially for Action Man."
"What is it?" asked Jess.
"Solomon's Seal. Sounds like an ancient Jewish rite," said Connor
Mme Lorraine laughed. "It's a plant dears, very elegant. It has small flowers in tube shapes, black seed pods, and quite easy to grow. It's a wonderful shade plant and looks so elegant with other shade plants and flowers. It is, as Connor has just discovered, very valuable in healing."
"Oh, yes. We want lots of this," said Jess, looking at Becker. "You're too good at you're job."
Becker smiled. "We all get pretty banged up, even you. You've terrified me a couple times, you know."
Jess ran up to him and they kissed, tenderly.
"I have a specially large shipment on the way for you," said Madame.
"How does she do that?" asked Connor.
Jess giggled. "Wait, large shipment. Does that mean we're going to need a lot?" she asked in fear.
Mme Lorraine smiled. "Not at all dear," she said. "Besides, Becker is right, all the ARC employees get hurt. I ordered enough to take care of many people for a while."
"A long while?" asked Jess.
"I wish the universe kept me in the loop more than it does. I do not know, but I promise I did not order a lot because of some inside information. I just wanted the money," she said with a wink.
"Look, she's got kits," said Becker.
"Kits?" asked Abby.
"Some spells require a chant or prayer, certain herbs, candles or charms, and other things. So, I put them all together to save time. Some potions are complex or need to be made under a certain phase of the moon, so I pre-make them and package them up," said Mme Lorraine.
"The exorcism kit has the prayer of deliverance, sage bundles, incense, matches, essential oils, and candles. 'Intent and faith not included,' cute Madame L," said Becker.
"I thought so," she replied. "I am however, serious. You need faith and a clear intent."
Becker smirked, and looked at Jess. "We know," he said.
Madame smiled.
"There's a 'bring peace' kit, containing statement of peace, 'I am at peace, I am in the void, neither stress, nor worry can find me,' instructions, green candles, incense, and a CD?"
"Yes, it's Enya, but any soft music would do."
"OK...Oh, here's another one we need. 'Peace in the Workplace.' It includes pre-made potion, made under the proper conditions."
"For that potion, I made it on a Thursday evening, in my workplace, but at a time when no one was around and I was at peace. Not something I can whip up to order, you know, that's why the kits are necessary."
Becker read, "Contains potion, talc powder, ceramic bowl, and small sachet."
"That one is interesting," said Madame. "You take the potion and talc and mix it in the bowl while visualizing a blue light, and then once you are calm, you pour the mixture into the sachet and take it into your workplace the next day."
"Does it work?" asked Becker.
"Do I ever seem anything but calm to you, in my workplace?" she said with a grin.
"No," said Becker, grinning back.
"Let's try it," said Jess. "We can use a lot less stress at the ARC.
"I don't think it will work at the ARC," said Madame Lorraine. "Technically, half of your workplace is where ever the ends of the yellow lights are, so you would need the spell at those places too. Plus, I don't know that my potions and powers would work on the creatures you wrangle."
"Seriously, how does she do that. I know nobody said anything," said Connor.
Madame Lorraine smiled. "Don't trouble yourself with what you don't know, Connor. There is enough going on in that brilliant head to keep you occupied for a very long time."
Connor grinned. "I like her. Don't know how she knows everything, but I like her."
Abby was looking through the gemstones. She noticed Madame Lorraine staring at her.
"Is anything wrong?"
"No. I'm honored and humbled that you are taking such time to go through my wares. I know you do not believe."
"Well, veterinary medicine, human medicine for that matter, is based in herb and plants. A lot of the procedures I do don't involve technology or man-made medicines. So, some of your wares and ideology are absolutely within my beliefs. The crystals and stones, not so much."
"But they're pretty!" said Jess.
"Yes, and that's why I'm looking at them," said Abby.
Madame Lorraine smiled. "This world is blessed with many different ideologies, how boring to only listen to your own."
"Exactly, Madame L," said Connor. He and Becker were still going through the potions, remedies and kits.
"Boils, bad breath, blood clots, claustrophobia, crickets..." read Becker, stopping and looking at Connor.
They turned to Mme Lorraine and asked in unison, "Crickets?"
"Pest rearranging dear."
"Rearranging?" asked Becker.
"Of course," said Abby. "She's not going to promote killing, not even of a cricket."
"Hey," said Connor. "That's what the ARC does, pest rearranging."
Becker chuckled. "Of super large crickets," he whispered.
"Well, this has been fun, but I'm starving, and we do have reservations," said Jess, kissing Madame Lorraine goodbye.
"Of course, dear, but I'm afraid you won't make those reservations, but don't worry, you'll be eating soon."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"I'm sorry, but you'll just have to wait and see."
Connor looked at them, and Jess shrugged.
"I like you, Madame, but you're creepy. No offense."
"None taken, Connor dear, you're a little creepy too, especially with that device you created that controls the yellow lights. I'm sorry but that is creepy."
Connor shook his head. "How do you...what am I'm going to create next?"
Madame smiled. "I don't know yet, but I wouldn't tell you if I did. I wouldn't take away the joy you feel at your unexpected brilliance."
"Oh, thank you."
"Your welcome."
Just then the shop door opened. Who should walk in but James Lester.
"I have no idea why I am here. What in the world kind of shop is this, anyway? Good heavens, you're the lady Jess brought in during that strange Becker business. I am certain, by the way, that you are not Captain Becker's aunt." He sighed, and caught his breath. He was flustered. Then he said to Madame, "Is this your place?"
"Yes, Mr. Lester, it is, and welcome."
"Thank you," he said. "I still don't how I ended up here, though, and I...good grief, what are you lot doing here?"
Jess giggled.
Connor shook his head. "We're all being manipulated by powers beyond are control, mate."
"I wouldn't say, manipulated, dear," said Madame Lorraine.
"I would. I am standing in a fragrant, stone and jewel laden, brightly colored, herb burning, incense smoking insanity asylum," complained Lester.
"You are, and again, welcome," said Madame Lorraine sweetly.
A woman walked into the store. " James dear, Mother is getting testy. She wants to go to dinner now, and she says you can talk to your physic tomorrow."
"What else did she say?"
"Nothing."
"Dear, you're lying. Out with it."
Mrs Lester rolled her eyes. "She wants to get a good table before all the really important men take all the good tables, treating their wives and mothers-in-law accordingly. I'm sorry dear. You know my mother, she's a beast."
Mrs. Lester, looked around, exasperated, but then relaxed slightly. "Oh, what a nice shop. Do you sell aromatherapy? I feel a conniption coming on."
"Yes, Mrs. Lester, I have several types. I also have a variety pack."
"Oh, we'll take that. Would you get it darling, mother's laying on the horn. I have to go."
"Let her hang of the darn horn, maybe the police will pick her up!" he yelled out the door. "Do you have a spell for banishing mother-in-laws?"
"No. That is dark magic."
"I see. Do you happen to know where a dark magic shop is?"
"Lester!"
"You don't live with her, Jess. Besides, lets think of it as a karma spell, shall we? She isn't very nice to me. I have feelings, you know."
"In that case, this envelope should solve your problems, but I warn you, the solution is temporary," said Mme Lorraine, handing Lester a plain white envelope.
"Temporary relief is better than none. What do I do with the envelope?"
"Follow the instructions inside. I warn you this will not be cheap."
"Ill pay anything." Then he saw the price. "That much? Oh, well. I'll pay it. I'm beyond desperate. What are the instructions," said Lester, "I want to cast the spell right away."
"It's not a spell, sir."
"What? Oh, " Lester opened it up and laughed.. "I take it all back. You are genuine, and now I hereby decree that you are the ARC's official Wiccan, whatever, authority. This is precisely what I need, my wife too. Thank you, sincerely."
Lester shook Mme Lester's hand, paid her, waved to everyone and left the shop, humming.
"What was in the envelope?" asked Jess.
"Tickets, dear, for a month long cruise for Mrs. Lester's mother."
They all laughed.
Connor said, "Ok, you had to book the cruise, know the mother-in-law was driving Lester crazy, and know that Lester was coming here. How do you do that?"
"I don't know. I am merely a resident of this universe, and do as it bids me."
"That was marvelous. I hate to whine, and I hate to leave, but I'm starving," said Jess.
The door opened and a young man, younger than Jess, walked in with five pizzas, "Did someone here order pizza?"
"Yes, dear, I did," said Madame. "My young friend here is famished and can go no longer without food, and she can't leave as there will be an accident right out side at any moment," she told the pizza man.
Mme Lorraine passed out the pizzas, and took her time paying the pizza man. In fact, she was purposely delaying him.
"Lady, please. I need to go."
"No, child. You need to stay, trust me. By the way, you can share my pizza. We like the same things."
The pizza man stared at her dubiously. "Lady, pay me and let me go, or I'll call..."
There was a sudden honking, followed by several crashes.
Everyone but Mme Lorraine ran outside.
"Holy cow! It's a demolition derby outside!" cried Connor.
"Yeah, like six cars caught in that wreck," said Abby.
"And my car is crushed. I'd be dead," said the pizza man, turning white.
"But you aren't dear, " said Mme Lorraine, come sit down, eat, and then you can call your work and your family."
The pizza man nodded, letting Madame L guide him to the table.
They were all stuck by at Madame Lorraine's. Eventually, the pizza man came out of his shock, and thanked Mme Lorraine. He, like the others waited for the police to clear the area.
"No injuries," said Mme Lorraine, eating a piece of her Vegetarian Delight pizza, "there is a lot of damage. However, car damage is better than human damage."
"Amen to that," said the pizza man. His mobile rang.
"Better answer it dear, it's your mother, she's on her way to pick you up, tell her to wait about twenty minutes til its all clear."
The pizza man stared, but then answered the mobile, and when the other voice talked, his eyes widened.
"Hi, mom. Yeah, I'm safe. I have a heck of a story though," he said.
"How do you do that?" asked Connor.
Mme Lorraine smiled.
"Let's just say, that when the universe calls me, I don't need a mobile to answer."
The End