Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the monkey.
Ron and his friends were walking up the stone pathway to the front doors of the Hogwarts castle. They were about to open the door when Ron saw a cage. He wasn't sure where it came from, but on it, was a sticker that said Hogsmeade Zoo in HUGE letters.
"I wonder where it came from?" Ron asked puzzledly.
"I think it is," said Harry.
"Well, DUH! Cant you two read?" Hermione questioned.
"We try to avoid it if we can," Harry answered.
They opened the cage and found a monkey. They took it to the common room and Ron named him Joey. (I named him after the Joey from Friends. I love that show!) Suddenly, Joey stood up and talked to them.
"Hello," he greeted, "I am from the planet Pelahquah. Thank you for rescuing me from that horrible cage."
"Wow! A talking monkey!" Harry exclaimed
"The last time I saw one of these, I was at Zonko's Joke Shop," said Fred.
"Only it wasn't real," George added.
"Well I am real and those stinky do-do fart-heads at the zoo locked me up. Everyday, people come and stare at me as though I were a pile of galleons! Until now…." Joey's voice faded out mysteriously.
"But why are you here?" Hermione asked.
"To take over the…I mean…my mother and father were prisoners at this zoo. I wanted to goand rescue them," Joey stuttered.
"Really?" Hermione asked.
"No…It's just that everyone on my planet thinks that humans are poisonous. But I came here to prove them wrong! I want to become best friends with all of you." Joey said.
"Really?" Hermione asked again.
"Yes…"Joey answered.
"Really, really?"
"Yeah…"
"Really, really, really, really, really?"
"Well…. No."
"I knew it! You want to take over the world!" Hermione concluded.
"How'd you know?" Joey asked, dumbstruck.
"Isn't that what alien monkeys always do?" Hermione asked.
"No! We also play checkers with pistachios! It's really a challenge! Us Pelahquahn monkeys have the IQ of a rock!" Joey finished proudly.
"Wow! You're really smart!" She replied sarcastically.
"Thanks. Well, now that you know, I guess I'll have to abandon that plan," Joey said disappointedly.
"And just so you don't get any ideas, Hermione will put a curse on you," Ron threatened.
"I most certainly will not! I will not harm a poor defenseless creature, no matter how evil it thinks it is ("Hey!" Joey said.), no matter how sinister its plans are, no matter how low its IQ is…."
"Oh, shut up, will you?!" Ron shouted.
"Be nice, Ron, let the mildly attractive lady talk!" Harry said sarcastically.
"Don't you take that tone with me, Harry James Potter!" Hermione screamed, blushing.
"Ooh! You just got told by a girl!" Ron commented.
"You're lucky its time for my Muggle Studies class or I would kick your booty!" Hermione said.
"Oh, it's time for Divination! Hurry Harry or we'll be late again!"
In all the confusion, Joey slipped out of the common room and found a portkey. Feeling the uncomfortable jerk from somewhere behind his navel, he was then transported to the Ministry of Magic.
"Ah. Finally! I thought this had expired!" Joey tossed the portkey aside and sighed. "Well, I'd better find the Minister's office." On his way there, he saw Lucius Malfoy.
"Hello, there, cute little monkey!" He exclaimed.
"Take me to the Minister's office, now!" Joey commanded.
"Oooooooh! Cute little monkey can talk!" Lucius cooed.
"Do it before I spoon your eyes out!"
"Ow! That sounds painful!"
to himself "Darn it! I only have a fork!" Joey whispered.
"Well, what if I don't want to?" Lucius said.
With one swift movement, Lucius became a woman. (Maybe he should get implants)
"Ok. Right this way, cute little monkey!" He cried, running down the corridor.
They walked down the corridor for what seemed like hours. And finally, they reached the Minister's office.
"Thank you, Luci. I really appreciate this," Joey said as he pushed open the double doors.
"What are you doing in my office?" The Minister, Cornelius Fudge, questioned.
"Forking your eyes out," Joey said coolly.
"But you left your fork back at the entrance," Fudge said.
"Oh, man! What do I do now?" Joey asked.
"You could use your extra spoon," Fudge suggested.
"Oh, yeah! Thanks!" Joey said as he pulled out the spoon.
Fudge jerked his wand out of his back pocket. BOOM!!! Fudge was now missing one butt cheek.
"Oh, man! Moody always told me not to put my wand in my back pocket! But did I listen? No,"
Now, they begun a battle resembling the one between Darth Vader and Yoda, except instead of light sabers, there was a spoon and a wand. Oh, yeah, it involved momma jokes. So it went on…. Monkey and Minister…. Fighting to the death.
"Grrrrrrrrrr! Your momma is so fat, she saw a school bus full of white kids and said, 'Hey! Catch that Twinkie!'" Joey growled.
Fudge was hit so hard with the last joke that he fell to the floor, crying. He dropped his wand. It rolled across the floor to Joey's feet. Joey picked it up.
"Bye, bye! Avada Kedarva!" Joey yelled. Cornelius fell to the floor, dead before he hit it.
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Now I am the monkey of magic. I will send an owl to the Daily Prophet to announce the fall of the minister to a small, common Pelahquahn monkey. Today, the wizarding world, tomorrow the muggle world, the next day, the universe! Won't Ron be proud?"