Sunshine in Winter

by Empress Shiloh

Sometimes, friendship is the only medicine needed.

Lily threw open her bedroom window with more force than was, perhaps, required. Clad in only a thin, short-sleeved, cotton nightgown, she planted her palms on the sill and leaned out. Eyes closed, lifted toward the rising sun, she breathed in deeply; the crisp scent of winter air filled her lungs, refreshing her. A small smile played about the corners of her lips and pink health stained her pale cheeks. She opened her eyes and surveyed the white world beneath her, taking in all the sights she might see from her second story window.

The early morning sun glittered across the fresh snow, making everything seem brighter; icy beauty covered everything. In the distance, Lily could just make out her neighbours' house. She knew that just beyond their house was the village. Looking the other way she could see nothing but the forest, but she knew that if one were to walk in that direction for twenty minutes or so, they would come upon the last house in the county, just inside the forest, hidden from view. A sound in the hallway startled her and, closing the window again, she leapt back into the room. Just seconds later her door opened and her mother's face peered around it.

"Oh good! You're awake. Want some breakfast?"

"Yes, thanks, that would be nice."

"I'll bring some up for you in just a few minutes then." Ginny turned, as if to leave, but Lily took a step toward her and spoke.

"Wait!" Ginny looked over her shoulder, surprised by her daughter's outburst. "Um – no. I mean, I'll come down. I'll eat in the kitchen. With everyone else."

Ginny's eyes grew a bit rounder, but she was careful not to react more than that. Lily saw it though and did her best not to cringe in return. Nodding, Ginny left the room without another word. Lily collapsed into the arm chair in the corner, covering her face with one fine-boned hand and groaning. Sighing heavily after a minute, she stood and walked over to the bureau. She surveyed herself critically in the mirror hanging above it.

Dark red hair, darker than her mother's but not quite the deep auburn of her eldest brother's. Her eyes were green, just like her father's, but not quite so brilliant a green; pale skin with a dusting of freckles across the bridge of her nose and along her cheekbones. It wasn't so pale as it had been before, and not stretched so tautly across her skin. Just a month ago her bones had stood out like blades and she had been so thin, so fragile. Her mother's hearty cooking and tender care had fixed that, though. At last. There were still dark circles under her eyes, but they were mere shadows now, rather than dark bruises, and they were fading every day.

There used to be a lightness to her that had disappeared now, she wasn't so carefree as she had been, her movements more confined, as if she were afraid to move too quickly. Afraid that she was going to break herself. Shaking off the thoughts, she opened the drawers and dressed herself. No more endless night gowns and sick room wear, she was going to put on tights and a skirt and a nice sweater. Perhaps the green one Albus had gotten her last Christmas.

Finished dressing, Lily gave herself one more critical look in the mirror. Frowning, she pinched at the extra fabric that hung around her. Last year, when she'd gotten these clothes, the skirt had hugged her hips snugly and the sweater had been just tight enough across her shoulders and breasts. Now the skirt was at least a size too large and the sweater hung off of her. Shrugging, deciding there was nothing to be done about it, she turned to leave.

Opening her door and stepping into the hallway felt like an accomplishment. While she had left her room in the last four months, it had never been for very long and never to join anyone for breakfast. She smiled and straightened her shoulders.

"Hey, sis. Coming down for breakfast?" Looking to her right she saw Albus approaching, an easy smile on his face.

"Yeah. I think I am." She smiled back at him. He didn't stop to let her go first, didn't stop to express extra concern. At first she frowned a bit, until she heard him speak as he started down the stairs.

"James is still in bed, I'll eat your share of bacon too if you just stand there all day." Thinking Albus might possibly be the best brother in all the world she hurried after him. He flashed her a grin over his shoulder as they reached the bottom of the stairs and he did let her precede him into the kitchen, ducking under his arm as he held the door.

"Good morning, son." Harry spoke from behind the morning Prophet, sipping from a mug of coffee. Ginny was at the range, frying bacon and potatoes, scrambling eggs, and toasting bread. Albus snagged a mug and poured himself a cup of coffee as well.

"Anything interesting this morning Dad?" He asked, snatching a piece of toast while Ginny's back was turned and dodging out of her reach as she swatted at him.

"A bit on your aunt Hermione. Apparently she and Draco Malfoy had a rather public argument concerning the new Protection of the Rights of House Elves bill. He seems to be of the opinion that a minimum wage for ancestral servants is preposterous and wants it stricken from the – " He cut off as he glanced up from the paper and saw his daughter standing in the doorway. Ginny gave a surreptitious glance over her shoulder but said nothing and Albus seemed absorbed in buttering his pilfered toast. Harry stared at Lily and she offered him a tentative smile.

"Morning Daddy."

"Good morning sweetheart." His voice was gruff. Standing, he turned and retrieved a cup off the shelf. "Tea?"

"Oh. Yes, please." She walked slowly to sit in her chair, across from Albus, next to her father. Harry poured her a cup of tea, adding a splash of milk and a bit of sugar before setting it in front of her. Lily blinked back tears as he placed a soft, lingering kiss on her hair.

"There we are." Then he sat and picked up the conversation with Albus, going on to report the small bits of Hermione and Malfoy's argument. Ginny set breakfast on the table then shouted up the stairs for James to get his skinny behind downstairs. They were munching bacon and toast, Lily was sipping her tea, when James came stumbling in. He was still rather bleary, rubbing a hand through his messy hair that, except for colour, was the same as his father's – a trait both boys had inherited.

He fell into his chair next to Lily, seeming to only then notice her presence. "Oh. 'lo Lily. Pass the bacon would you?" He poured mug of coffee with one hand, the other serving as a prop for his head.

Lily cleared her throat. "I'm afraid there's none left, Jamie." A ghost of a smile flitted across his lips at the sound of his pet name, one only Lily was allowed to use. Then her answer got through to him.

"What? No bacon?" He shot an accusing glare at Albus, who lifted his palms and shook his head, proclaiming innocence. James looked to their mother and then their father, both who ignored him. Then back to his sister. Lily looked at him and innocently took another bit of bacon. He grumbled under his breath, but Albus could see the smile playing about his lips as he took a drink of coffee.

"Maybe tomorrow you'll be on time for breakfast." Ginny said, passing him the eggs. After that chatter flowed around the table, mostly over Lily, but she did participate a bit. James and Albus got into a debate over the latest Cannons versus Arrows match, one a firm Cannons fan, the other playing devil's advocate. Harry related to everyone concerning the upcoming elections for Minster of Magic and Ginny shared that the Longbottom's oldest son's wife had given birth to a girl two nights before.

"I ought to go visit old Henry one of these days." James mused.

"You ought to do as Henry's done." Ginny shot back. "Get married and start producing children."

James looked at his mother in horror. "Children? Why in Merlin's name would I want kids?" He shuddered in horror. Harry and Albus laughed and Lily tried, but she couldn't quite bring herself to. Ginny and James seemed to realize their gaffe; James reached out a hand, laying it along the back of Lily's chair and rubbing her shoulder blade comfortingly. Albus picked up the conversation, smoothing over the tense moment.

"I'm going to go for a walk." Lily announced her intentions into the middle of conversation as Ginny supervised the three men cleaning up after breakfast. Everyone stopped and turned to look at her, surprise evident on their faces. She picked at the hem of her sweater nervously, waiting for some sort of response. Finally Ginny spoke up.

"Do you want someone to go with you?"

"No." Lily said, then cleared her throat, smiling awkwardly after her quick refusal. "Um, no. I'll be fine."

"Alright dear, just, be sure to bundle up. It's cold outside." Lily nodded and left the kitchen. Behind her she could hear her family talking again but couldn't make out their words, their voices were lowered and she was sure they were talking about her.

She knew how odd it was. After months spent mostly in her room she was going for a walk. Alone. She wasn't just going to sit on the porch, wrapped in a quilt, and watch the world go by. She was actually putting on a coat, her boots, a scarf and hat in preparation for her venture. Giving her wand, sitting on the hall table, one glance, she left without it. She didn't see anyone when she glanced over her shoulder, so she opened the front door and went out.

It was cold. She hadn't noticed how cold when she was looking out the window this morning, being mostly inside had kept her relatively warm. With the bright December sun shining in a cloudless sky above her, reflecting off of the fields of fresh white snow, Lily walked briskly down the side of the road. Bundled in a cream coloured wool scarf and matching hat, her gloveless hands were tucked into the pockets of her dark grey wool coat. She had white wool tights on and a brown skirt that brushed across the tops of her knees, her calves sticking out of winter boots that crunched as she took each step. Her bright red hair spilled down her back in a riotous mass of curls only made worse by the slight wind that was picking up, blowing snow against her back and up her skirt. Cursing herself for forgetting her gloves, she picked up her pace.

She wasn't sure how long she had been walking but when she looked up she came to a sudden halt. Her habit of staring at her feet as she walked had caused her to nearly miss her destination. The sudden sight of a house made her realize just how long she had been walking, it hadn't seemed that long. Turning, she faced the house, staring up at it from just outside the front gate. It was very similar to her own home; three stories and an attic, painted white but with blue shutters rather than red, and the flower beds here, she knew, were better tended than the ones at home. There didn't seem to be any lights on, but she just had to check anyway. Pushing open the gate, she started up the walk.

Lily knocked thrice on the door, somewhat timidly. No one answered. She knocked again, this time with more force but still, no one answered. For a long moment, Lily stared at the door, as if it were at fault for no one being home. She was a bit surprised, having expected that, after the effort she'd made, it would fall together. Now she was thwarted simply because the person she wanted to visit – needed to visit – wasn't at home. Heaving a sigh of frustration she turned around and plopped down on the top step.

Her arms folded across her knees, she rested her head on her forearms. For a long time she didn't move, simply pressing her eyes against the wool of her coat and trying to keep the tears at bay. She had been thinking about this day for a long time, had been planning it for weeks, imagining just how it would go. No imaginary encounter ended before it had begun, as this was doing. Lily squeezed her eyes tightly shut and thought back over the last few months.

Sometime later she lifted her head and stood, only to promptly fall back, startled, to a sitting position. There was a man standing there, staring at her, and she hadn't heard him approaching. She had no idea how long he had been standing there, staring down at her. Her green eyes round with surprise, she stared back at him. He looked at her as if she were some foreign object, shock evident on his face. Under his arm he was carrying a bag of shopping and she presumed he'd just returned from the village. She stood again, slowly this time, and he took a step back, to accommodate her.

"Lily?" She smoothed her clammy palms down her skirt and gave him a half, nervous, smile.

"Hello Neil."

"What are you doing here?"

"I – I came to see you. It's been a long time and –"

"That's hardly my fault." He cut her off, his voice hard and uncompromising. She looked down at her feet, her toes encased in her boots, and hugged her arms around her middle. Her voice was small when she replied.

"I know." She looked up at him, an uncertain, but unflinching, plea in her eyes. "May I come in?"

He appeared to debate with himself over the wisdom of it, but in the end he nodded, a sharp jerk of his head. She stood aside as he came up the stairs and unlocked the front door, leaving it open for her behind him. He tossed his keys on the hall table and kicked off his shoes as she shut the door. Coat still on, he went into the kitchen with the paper shopping bag in his arms. She shut the door quietly then toed off her boots, setting them neatly under the coat hooks, before hanging her coat and scarf there, leaving her hat on. Taking a deep breath, she walked into the kitchen.

Pausing in the doorway, Lily took the time to just watch Neil as he moved about. He unloaded the shopping bag, putting items in the refrigerator or various cabinets. A fond light lit her eyes as she watched him, drinking in the sight of him. Broad strong shoulders, lean hips, brown hair just a tad too long and curling over his collar. She knew he was in perfect physical condition, well muscled, tall, and handsome. Neil had never had trouble gaining female attention. Lily wondered how they had come to be such good friends while in school together.

She had many good memories of their years as friends, starting in first year when they had both been sorted to Gryffindor. Neil had caught a couple of older boys from Ravenclaw bullying her, saying that her family was riding through life on name alone and she was never going to succeed without the name Potter to carry her. He had soundly defended her, and even blackened one of their eyes before they left. Since then they had been inseparable. Until four months ago, when everything had changed.

He finished putting everything away and folded the bag neatly before stowing it in a box with others. Shrugging out of his jacket, he hung it across the back of a chair at the table. His fingers gripped the back of the chair with bruising force, she could see the white of his knuckles. She stood in silence as he carefully lightened his grip, one finger at a time.

"Neil?"

"Tea? Would you like some tea? Please, sit down." He turned away again, speaking too quickly, avoiding her. A frown appeared between her brows but she sat as instructed.

"Tea sounds lovely, thank you."

"I seem to remember you like white. Is white tea all right?"

"You know very well I like white tea. Neil, won't you look at me?" Lily demanded and watched him as he froze, one hand holding the kettle, the other resting on the faucet. A great tension rolled through his shoulders and she nearly cried for the distance between them, that was far greater than ten steps across his kitchen.

"It should only be a minute." He went on after a long moment, as if he hadn't heard her. Making the tea, setting milk and sugar on the table, pulling cups off their shelf. Without touching her, without looking at her, he set it all before her. The kettle began to hum and he poured her a cupful of tea, then one for himself. She stirred a splash of milk and a spoonful of sugar into her tea, taking a cautious sip and finding it perfect. Just like his tea always had been. Neil made better tea than anyone she knew. When they were settled, Lily broke the silence again.

"I wanted to see you Neil. I know it's been a long time."

"Four months." He bit off. "Nine days."

She only hesitated a moment before continuing on in the same soft, carefully controlled voice. "Yes. I'm sorry for how long it's taken me to be able to see you. Mum – she said you came to see me. While I was at St. Mungo's. Thank you."

"What else would I have done, Lily? Gone off and left you? Ignored you?"

She looked up at him and found him staring at her. The look in his eyes was hard, unyielding. His eyes had always been a comforting hazel, but now they were dark. Darker than she'd ever seen them, and full of anger. But no matter how long since she'd seen him, Lily knew him, and she saw the depths of pain there as well. Her heart broke, but she didn't want him to see it. Not yet.

"No. You would never have abandoned me."

"I was there the minute I heard Lily. Your brother called me and I thought I was going to die. I thought you were going to die. Lily, it was the absolute worst thing I've ever endured. And then – I never saw you wake up. Do you know what that does to someone?"

"No. You know I don't, but please, Neil. Try to understand."

"Understand what? That I did everything I could think of? I did. I sat by your bed in shifts, relieving your family so they could go for tea, the loo. I stood in the corner when there was no place for me to sit. I only left to change my clothes and clean up. Did your mum tell you that?"

Lily nodded. "She did. You were the best of friend to me Neil. You always have been, and I am deeply grateful. More so than you might ever understand. I think – I think I knew you were there. I can remember your voice, yours and my parents, my brothers. Talking me, telling me I'd be alright, asking me to please not leave. That there were so many people here who needed me. And I believed it, so I woke up. And – and you weren't there for it Neil."

He opened his mouth but she raised a hand to silence him. "I was never upset about that. Only Albus was there. You had gone home for some much needed sleep, James was at work, Mum and Dad were upstairs getting tea and sandwiches. It was just Albus. I made him explain what was going on – where I was and why. What had happened to put me there. Then Mum and Dad came back and we talked. Well – they talked, I just wished I could go back into that coma and never come out of it. I wanted that more than anything because – I couldn't find anything to stay for. At least, that's how it felt. I don't expect you understand, Neil, but you were always much stronger than me. So much stronger than me."

"And then you left." He said, eyes challenging her. "You walked out of that hospital, you went home, and I only found out when Albus showed up here to tell me hours later. I was getting ready to go back to the hospital and he showed up. Told me you were awake and that you had gone home. And then – then he told me to stay away. That you didn't want to see me."

Lily said nothing in reply, tracing the rim of her teacup with her index finger. She fought back the tears that threatened to spill, swallowing them away with effort. Neil drained the dregs of his tea and stood, letting his cup clatter in the sink. She didn't look up, but she knew how he looked. Hands braced against the edge of the counter, shoulders tense, head hung down as he stared at nothing. His voice was ragged when he spoke.

"You sent me away then, Lily, and I'm sending you away now. Please leave."

Lily nodded, to herself because he wasn't looking at her. She stood slowly, taking one last look at him before turning to leave. Pausing at the door, she spoke softly over her shoulder.

"Happy Christmas, Neil."

When he turned around some time later, she was gone.

Lily returned home with tears frozen on her cheeks. She came in quietly, trying to make the tears stop. Her boots landed haplessly in the hall cupboard, her coat, hat, and scarf fell to the floor and she left them there. Dashing the tears away, she ran up the stairs to her bedroom. The slam of her door reverberated through the house. Downstairs, her mother and father looked up at each other with matching frowns of worry on their faces. Both boys were gone, James off to the shop he managed in Diagon Alley and Albus to meet with friends.

"Should I go up and check on her?" Harry asked. Ginny sighed, setting aside the copy of Witch Weekly she was reading.

"I'll go. If I can't suss it out I'll send you up." She stopped by the arm chair he occupied and placed a tender kiss on his cheek.

"All right. Ginny?" She turned back to him. "Is she going to be all right?"

Ginny looked down at the floor for a long minute, then answered softly. "I just don't know, love. I hope so."

Harry nodded and she turned away again, headed for the stairs. She moved slowly up the stairs, unsure of what to expect. Pausing outside Lily's room, she knocked softly. "Lily? It's Mum. Can I come in?"

There was no answer, only muffled sobs. Ginny slowly opened the door and saw her daughter lying crosswise on her bed, face buried in a pillow. Trying to control her own emotions, Ginny went to her, sitting on the bed and putting a soft hand on her shoulder.

"Sweetheart? Are you all right?" Lily didn't answer, just sitting up and throwing herself into her mother's arms. For many long minutes, she simply sobbed against her mother's blouse, leaving long tearstains on the fabric. Ginny shushed her, crooning comfort into her hair, rubbing a hand along her spine, her other arm wrapped around her daughter. She couldn't help a few tears of her own that escaped from the corners of her eyes. The last few months had been hell on Ginny, though she had done her best to hide it, for the sake of her daughter.

"Lily? Do you want to tell me what happened? Your father is very worried honey, so am I."

Lily sat up, rubbing the tears off her cheeks, sniffling. Her long red hair fell forward, shielding her face, but Ginny knew the tears were at last receding. Finally she folded her hands in her skirt, twisting the fabric in her grip.

"Oh Mum, I've made a terrible muddle of everything."

"Now that's not true. What happened sweetheart?"

"I went for that walk. And I went to Neil's house." She said softly. "He showed up as I was sitting on the front step, and he finally let me come inside. He made tea and we sat in the kitchen. Oh Mum, it was just awful. He was so quiet, and angry. And then he lashed out, telling me how he'd spent so much time at the hospital, how he'd been away when I woke up and then Albus went to see him and he hasn't seen me since.

"Mum," she cried, "I think he hates me. Honest to Merlin hates me."

Ginny wrapped her arms around her daughter and pulled her close, kissing her hair. "No, sweet, he doesn't hate you. I imagine he's very hurt and rather angry because of it. Think, love, what if your situations were reversed?"

"I suppose I understand. But Mum, he wouldn't let me explain!"

"What did you tell him?"

"That I just wanted to go back into that coma after I found out everything. Oh I don't want that now," she reassured, seeing the look of fright on her mother's face. "But I rather thought I wanted it then. And – well I don't even know what he does know. I don't know what Albus told him when he went to see Neil before Neil knew I was awake, but I don't think it was the entire story because – well – I know Neil. He'd never be so angry as he was if he knew everything."

Ginny nodded. "Yes, that's probably true. Neil is a very good boy, very caring and understanding. But sweetheart, even if he did know, don't you think he'd still be a bit upset?"

Lily lifted a tearstained gaze to look at her mother. "But why?"

"He hasn't seen you in four months." Ginny told her gently.

"And nine days." Lily added darkly.

"Yes. And in all that time, he's heard nothing from you, likely nothing about you. He's completely in the dark. All he knows is that he tried to be there for you and you sent him away. How do you suppose that makes him feel?"

"Terrible." Lily said quietly.

"Very terrible." Lily groaned and flopped back on the bed, another tear leaking from her eyes.

"I'm a terrible person. I can't believe what I've done to him."

"No." Ginny said firmly. "You are not a terrible person. You've been through some awful things, and you were very sick, and very sad. It's not your fault that you just couldn't see him. Now you've made an effort to see him, so it's up to him to go the rest of the way. Understand?" Lily nodded, turning on her side and taking her mother's hand.

"I think I'm going to take a nap, Mum. Okay?"

"Okay sweetheart. That sounds good. Here, here's your blanket." Ginny pulled a thick quilt off the foot of the bed and laid it over Lily, who was already slipping into slumber. She smoothed the hair from Lily's face, looking down at her with concern. When Lily was asleep, Ginny slipped out and headed down the stairs. She met Harry halfway down, who took one look at her face and gathered her into his arms.

"Is she okay?"

Ginny shook her head. "She's asleep. The kitchen, I'll make tea." Harry nodded and held her hand all the way to the kitchen, then watched as she put the kettle on and took down two cups. He let her bustle for a few minutes before pulling her down onto his lap, where she promptly burst into tears.

"Oh Harry, it hurts so much. To see her like this. I just want to fix it, and I can't." Harry comforted her, smoothing her hair and feathering kisses across her face. With a flick of his wand he turned off the kettle and gave all his attention to his sobbing wife.

"I know, love. I know." They held each other and cried for their baby girl. For the innocence she would never have again and the happiness she had lost. Harry ached, physically ached, wishing he could take away. Wishing he could kiss her knee, or her elbow, or put a bandage on it to make it all better. But those days were gone, when a kiss from Daddy and a biscuit could cure any ill. He felt helpless, more helpless than he ever had in all his life, watching his only daughter suffering and being unable to take her suffering away.

"What did she say?" He asked some time later, after Ginny's tears were nearly dry. She tucked her head under his chin and spoke quietly.

"She went to see Neil. I gather he didn't want to hear her explanations and wasn't very kind." Harry growled, but Ginny smoothed his frown away. "No, darling, he's hurting too. Poor boy, I have wondered about him. I hated turning him away. He was here every day for a month, you know, asking to see her."

"She couldn't see anyone."

"I know that, and you know that, but poor Neil didn't, still doesn't. What were we supposed to tell him? Any news would simply have made him that much more determined to see her."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Harry let Ginny up and she finished making the tea, reheating the kettle that had gone cold. When she set a cup in front of him, made just the way he liked, he spoke.

"Maybe we should have."

"Should have what?"

"Told him. Let him see her. Merlin knows nothing else was helping." He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. Ginny eyed him with love, smoothing the black hair that was gradually turning to grey.

"I don't know. Maybe we should have. But what if it had only made it worse?"

"I guess we'll never know."

"No. We never will." They drank their tea in silence for a while, until Ginny spoke again. "Did you know Albus went to see him?"

"No. When?"

"Apparently just after she came home from the hospital. Before he knew she was awake."

"What did he say?"

"Lily said she doesn't know, but she guesses it wasn't the entire story. Oh Harry it just couldn't have been. She was absolutely destroyed by whatever happened this morning. Neil would never do that to her, not if her really knew."

"Maybe I ought to go and see him myself." Ginny nodded, then caught the gleam in her husband's eye.

"Harry James, you are not going over there to give him a dressing down. He is not one of your subordinates, nor is he completely at fault here. He is a hurting, very upset young man who has nothing but the best interests for Lily at heart. If I let you go, you will be nice to him." Harry gave her a meek look.

"Yes dear."

"Who's not a subordinate?" Albus chose then to enter the kitchen, snagging an apple off of the table and sitting in a chair across the table. "What's going on?" He saw that his mother had obviously been crying, and had seen Lily's things strewn about the entry. When he went to check on her, she was sleeping, and had also been crying.

"Your sister went to see Neil." Ginny said. "And it didn't go well."

Albus glared. "That bastard. If he hurt her –"

"No, Albus. It's not that simple. He's hurting too, son, and remember, he doesn't know the entire story." Ginny paused and gave him a questioning look. "Does he?"

"What? No. Not from me at any rate, when would I have told him?"

"Lily said he told her you went to see him when she was just back from the hospital, before he knew she was awake." Harry said. "What did you say to him?"

"Oh, that. I went to tell him she was awake so that he wouldn't go to the hospital and not know what was going on. Told him she had woken up, that she was home, and that she didn't want to see anyone. Not even him."

"How do you know she didn't want to see him?"

"She told me." They both gave him quizzical frowns. "When she woke up, and I was the only one there, I had to tell her everything. I told her Neil had been there and how happy he'd be to see her awake. She gave the – Christ, it was the most heartbreaking look I've ever seen. Tear on her cheek, pain like I've never known in her eyes. Told me she didn't want to see him. No – said she didn't want him to see her."

Ginny was alert at that. "Did you tell him that?"

Albus scrunched up his face in thought. "Not sure, suppose I probably did."

Ginny looked at Harry, one eyebrow raised, communicating as only they could. "Well, that explains a lot."

"What?" Albus asked. "What did I do?"

Neil heard a knock on his front door and griped; he was in no mood to receive company. Whomever it was knocked again and he stood with a sigh, laying his glasses down on the desk and striding down the hallway to the front door. Another knock sounded just as he reached the door and he yanked it open in a poor mood. The two men standing on his front porch were not who he had expected to see.

"What?" He bit off. The two men were nearly identical in appearance, except for that one was easily twenty-five years older. They both gave him wry looks, in the younger it appeared more contemptuous and in the elder apologetic.

"May we come in?" Harry Potter asked him. Neil gave him a long look and saw only a calm determination in his eyes. Stepping back, he nodded and motioned for them to come in. Shoving past Albus, he stalked toward the sitting room, expecting them to follow, which they did, casting dubious looks at one another.

"Please, sit down." Neil bit off, sinking himself into a wing-backed chair that faced the rest of the room from its position by the fireplace. Harry and Albus sat side by side on the settee.

"We heard Lily came to see you this morning." Harry said, Neil nodded. "And from what her mother said, it didn't go very well. For either of you."

"I don't know what she wanted from me."

"I know." Harry said, drawing a surprised look from Neil. He gave the younger man a wry smile. "You probably thought we were here to defend Lily and yell at you for daring to hurt her. But the truth is Neil, you didn't hurt her. Oh she came home crying, and she was very upset, but I don't blame you."

"She told Mum I came to see you," Albus said, "After she was out of the hospital. And I'm afraid her version of events was bit different than I remember."

"I told her what you told me."

"What was that?" Harry asked him.

"That she didn't want me around. That I wasn't to come and see her."

"You did anyway." Albus countered. "If my memory serves, you were there every day for weeks trying to see her. And we just kept turning you away, telling you that you couldn't see her. So yes, we understand that you were upset."

"I have nothing else to offer her." Neil declared. "I gave everything I could and she rejected it."

Harry sighed, his broad shoulders stooped with some burden Neil could not identify. He exchanged looks with his son. Albus shook his head with a frown, but Harry turned away from him, looking back to Neil.

"I'm afraid we weren't fair to you Neil. You were the best friend Lily could ever hope for and you did more for her than anyone would ever have expected. We – I – wasn't very honest. I know, because I was the one who most often told you that you couldn't see her. I know what you were hearing and now – well, I wish I could go back and do differently. Neil, what do you know of what happened to Lily?"

"What you told me. That she and Greg were hit by a driver who was drunk. Greg died before he got to the hospital. You had to obliviate some muggles and – er – exert authority to get her to St. Mungo's."

Harry smiled as Neil sugar coated his efforts. "I broke a dozen laws and hexed my superior, you needn't make it sound so nice."

"Then she was in a coma for nearly a week. She woke up, she went home, I haven't seen her since, until this morning." His voice dripped with bitterness and Harry felt for this young man that cared so much for his daughter.

"Neil, I know you care for Lily, and she cares for you. The two of you have been friends for many years, and I hope that your friendship can be as strong as it once was. But I also know that you've been hurt too. I honestly don't think Lily realized how much, but she's starting to. She's too caught up in her own grief to understand someone else's hurt – or she was. Now, I think, she's ready to come out and start her life again. A new life. But she needs you there with her, just as you've always been."

"Why would she need me? She seems to be doing fine without me."

Albus stood then, the muscles in his neck taught. He waved off Harry's protests. "Listen, Neil, do not make this all about you. Lily went through hell and none of us can even begin to understand how she felt. Do you know that she came downstairs for the first time today? Yeah, the first time. In four months. So you didn't get so see her – well neither did anyone else. Not even her family. I didn't even get to see her you great prat. If I wanted to, I had to sneak into her room while she was sleeping. It took her a month to let anyone but Mum come to see her.

"Did you notice how thin she is? She cried herself to sleep for three months straight, once or twice a day. Now it's usually only at night. She doesn't sing, she doesn't read, she doesn't laugh. Lily was broken after the accident. Shattered. In ways you can't even imagine.

"Today was her first time outside and she chose to come see you. Then what did you do? You threw her out and told her that now, when she needs you more than ever, you refused to have anything to do with her. So put it in perspective Hale."

"Albus – Albus please." Harry tugged him backward, having stood himself. Still seething, Albus turned his back on the younger man and walked outside. "I'm sorry, Neil, he's very worried for his sister."

"Is it true?"

Harry hesitated for a minute. "Yes. It's true."

"Why did no one tell me?"

"Well, I'm sorry about that. I'm afraid we've been rather wrapped up in ourselves for the last few months, we've forgotten to keep anyone informed. Not even family. Listen, Neil, I think there are parts of the story only Lily can tell you. Will you come see her?"

Neil stared into the fireplace, fighting the clawing pain in his chest. Breathing hurt, trying to beat the tears down. He nodded though, a stiff jerking of his head, as if he didn't quite have control of his movement. Standing, he rubbed his hand across his eyes.

"Yeah, I'll come see her."

The three men entered the Potter house quietly, shucking their coats and toeing off their shoes. Ginny heard them from the kitchen and came to see them. She gave Neil a watery smile and enveloped him in a warm hug, thanking him for coming.

"She's in her room." She said simply, smiling and leading her husband and son toward the kitchen. Neil took a deep breath and began to climb the stairs.

He remembered which door was hers. Remembered sneaking down these stairs with Lily during their summers at home. He remembered watching her run down them toward him. Remembered her descending gracefully dressed all in white satin and lace. He fought back more tears, remembering her wedding in the back yard. Watching her smile at him over Greg's shoulder as they hugged for the first time as husband and wife before heading back up the aisle. Neil crested the stairs and came to a stop in front of Lily's door.

Knocking, he waited for an answer but none came. After hesitating only for a minute, he slowly let the door swing open. She was stretched out across the bed, snuggled under her favourite green and white quilt, hugging a pillow to her chest. Her dark red hair was spread out like a fan across the white bedspread, her pale skin barely contrasting. He felt his heart tighten as he stepped toward her.

"Lily?"

Four months, nine days ago

Lily felt a warm hand holding her own, cold, one, rubbing back and forth across her fingers. A familiar voice pulled her out the depths, ever upward toward the light. With an effort she let her eyes flutter open. Albus. Her brother was sitting beside her, holding her hand and speaking softly to her.

"Lily? Oh my god, Lily. You're awake."

"Wha-" She licked her lips, trying to talk through the heavy thickness coating her mouth. "What's going on?" She finally forced the words, in a raspy whisper.

"You're at St. Mungo's Lily. You've been here for five days now. Do you remember anything that happened?"

She looked around the room with effort. "No. Where?"

"St. Mungo's."

"No. Where – is – he?"

Albus looked down, away from her, as he answered. "Neil? He went home to get some sleep and clean up. Hasn't left your side hardly since – since you got here."

"Greg. Where's Greg? Albus – tell me. What's going on?" Each word was a great effort for her.

"Lily – can you remember anything? Remember, you and Greg were in London for your anniversary, do you remember that?"

She nodded, frowning in confusion. "How – what – why am I here?"

"There was an accident."

Lily closed her eyes, frowning, trying to remember. She could remember Greg taking her to the theatre, and then they were walking back to their hotel. He had his arm around her, walking closest to the street, and she was looking in the shop windows. There was a sound – someone screamed.

"Truck." She licked her lips. "There was a truck – out of control." Her eyes opened and she looked at her brother with clear, terrified eyes. "Albus – what happened?"

"Maybe you should wait for Mum and Dad – they'd like to know you're awake and they'll be back soon."

"No – tell me. Albus, where is Greg?" Albus cleared his throat, looking down at the white bed once more fighting back the tears that threatened to fall. Gruffly, he began to speak.

"Lily – the truck – the driver was drunk. He'd only just left the pub, he hadn't gone very far. You and Greg – the driver fell asleep at the wheel, or something very like it. He was going too fast and when he came around the corner – He lost control of the vehicle on the corner and you and Greg – I guess you didn't move fast enough. Greg – He pushed you down on the pavement, you hit your head, lost consciousness I think."

"Greg?" She could feel the tears spilling down her cheeks and there was nothing she could do to stop them. She knew what was coming, knew what her brother didn't want to tell her. Before he could continue, their parents came into the room. Ginny and Harry saw what was going on and Ginny sat down on the bed, cradling her sobbing daughter in her arms.

Ginny could hear Harry asking Albus what he had told her and Albus responding. Lily looked up at her mother and Ginny fought her own tears.

"Mama, where's Greg? Where's my husband?" Lily hadn't called her 'mama' since she was ten and Ginny's heart shattered as she looked over her head at Harry. Harry's jaw was clenched, his hand on his son's shoulder and they were both crying silently.

"Oh baby. Greg – he loved you so much. He saved you, Lily. He saved you."

"Oh Mama – I can't – please tell me." She was sobbing, clinging to her mother.

"He pushed you down on the pavement but he couldn't get out of the way. He got hit baby. You – you were screaming and then the muggle doctors showed up and tried to take you to their hospital. Someone – a wizard, recognized you and called the ministry. Your daddy – he broke about a dozen rules to get you here. To St. Mungo's. They did all they could – all they could."

"No, Mama, no!"

"Greg is gone baby. Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." The family huddled around Lily, Albus had called James to tell him Lily was awake and he'd come tearing into the room with a wild look in his eyes. Ginny held Lily, Albus had a hold on one of her hands. Harry stood behind Albus, his heart breaking into pieces as he watched his little girl sobbing her heart out. James stood on the other side of the bed, stroking his mother's hair. Lily calmed after awhile, still crying but not as wretchedly.

She sat up, clutching her heart with one hand, the other lying protectively over her stomach. She looked up at her father, who was looking at the hand on her stomach with heartbreak in his eyes.

"Daddy – Daddy what is it?" She asked him. The answer was in his eyes. "No, no, no." She sobbed, softer than before. "Not my baby. Not my baby."

Albus moved, letting Harry sink to the bed on the opposite as Ginny. Lily turned into his chest, burying her face in his shirt and sobbing anew. Albus saw a nurse walk into the room, obviously someone had heard Lily's cries. He shook his head and she nodded, looking at Lily with supreme pity in her eyes. Before she left the room, Albus saw her surreptitiously wipe at her eyes.

Neil awoke with a groan, sitting up in bed and rubbing his face wearily. Glancing at the clock, he saw he'd been asleep for ten hours. Swearing, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, planting his feet on the floor. After a minute he rose and went into the bathroom. A quick hot shower and then he dressed. Grabbing his wand and keys, he bounded down the stairs. He opened the door and nearly collided with Albus, who was preparing to knock.

"Albus! What are you doing here? I was just headed back for the hospital."

"No need. Can I come in? I'll explain."

"Sure, sure." The two men went into the front room, Albus sinking into the chair by the fireplace, his head in his hands, he scrubbed through his hair with his fingers. Neil saw how exhausted he looked, and how red his eyes were.

"Albus – is everything okay?"

"Yeah." The weary man sat back in the chair. "Neil – Lily's awake. Wait!" He cut off the younger man's enthusiasm. "She's home too. Just got home an hour ago."

"That's great! I'll go see her there then."

"No – not yet. Neil, just listen." Neil frowned, sinking into a chair across the room. "Look, she's awake and she knows about – about Greg – and stuff. She's not taking it very well."

"Well what do you expect? She's just lost her husband."

"More than that." Albus muttered.

"What?"

"Look, there are some things you'll just have to hear from Lily. When she's ready. She's not ready yet, and I don't know when she will be." Albus paused, heaving a great sigh. "Neil, she's asked not to see you."

Lily awoke with a start, feeling a warm hand smoothing back her hair. She smelled wood smoke and sunshine and nearly began to cry again. Her eyes fluttered closed again and she captured his hand in hers.

"Neil. You came." He sat on the bed and she let him lift her so that she was lying in his arms. He leaned back against the head board and for a long time, they just lay there. She finally opened her eyes and sat up, away from him, so she could see him.

"Why?"

"Your dad and brother came to see me. Lily, I'm so sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I pushed you away and I know now – I wish I hadn't. I wish I'd held you, let you hold me."

"Your dad – he told me that what I know isn't the whole story. What happened Lily? Why did you pull away from me – from everyone?"

She sighed, settling down to lean her head on his shoulder. "What do you know?"

He shifted, pulling her closer. Their voices were hushed, the house silent, and they were all alone. "I know about the accident. That Greg took the brunt of it. I know you were unconscious for most of it and didn't wake up for nearly a week."

Lily was silent for a long minute. Neil could see only the top of her head and not the tears silently seeping from the corners of her eyes.

"Well, that's mostly right. Neil – I have to tell you the truth. I haven't – even Mum and Dad don't know. I wasn't unconscious. I saw the truck coming and screamed, Greg saw what was going to happen, so he pushed me, trying to make me run. I tripped over something, I don't even know what, but I tripped. He paused long enough to pick me up and throw me. That's how I hit my head. I heard – I heard him get hit. When I looked up, someone, another person on the street, had pulled the man out of the truck and turned it off. Greg – he was just lying there. He wasn't moving.

"I don't remember anything else until I woke up and Albus was there. It was five days later and he – I made him tell me what had happened. He couldn't tell me about Greg, he just couldn't. Mum came in before I forced him to, and she told me. Dad was there too, and his eyes – the look in his eyes was the worst thing I've ever seen. Neil – there was something else."

"What, Lily?" He was crying too, his tears catching in her hair. His voice was hoarse.

"I was – I lost – We were going to tell everyone the next weekend, at Gran's birthday party. And of course you were to be there, but we were going to tell you and my family before. Greg's too." Lily broke off, her tears consuming her voice. Neil hugged her tighter and they cried together. He still didn't know what she was trying to tell him, and he wasn't sure he wanted her to. For many long minutes they sat like that, while the light faded from the sky and they heard James come home. Still, no one came to disturb them.

"You don't have to tell me – not if you don't want to. If you're not ready."

"I have to. I'm tired of keeping everything hidden." She took a deep breath and gathered her resolve. "The doctor told me after the accident that I might not be able to have children. Ever. There's a very slim chance."

"Lily, I'm so sorry." He knew how much she'd always wanted children. "But why? I mean, you weren't hurt that badly were you?"

"Neil, the accident, it – it caused me to miscarry."

He stared at her for a long minute. Saw the deep pain in her green eyes and the loss of hope she was feeling. He brought his hand up to cup her cheek and brushed her tears away with his thumb. His voice was low when he spoke.

"You were pregnant?"

She nodded. "We were going to tell everyone soon – the party. But – then the accident. And that – after losing Greg – I just couldn't – I couldn't do anything. See anyone. Now – well now I wish I'd seen you. But I was so rolled up in my grief, I didn't want to make an effort. At first I planned on seeing you after I'd had a week or two by myself. And then it just became easier to have everyone away. But then James came in one day, and he made me talk to him, and he made me listen to him. He told me I had to let the sunshine in, or else the clouds would never go away."

"James said that?" Lily smiled.

"Yes, I think he read it in a book somewhere. It helped though. After that I talked to people, my parents and my brothers. Then Hugo came to see me, and Gran and Gramps. One at a time, and not for very long, but it helped. Finally, this morning, I decided that was enough. I was going to get out of my room, and go downstairs, and eat breakfast with my family. I was going outside, I was going for a walk, and I was going to go see you."

"Then I ruined it all by being a jerk."

"Well – yes." She looked up with a mischievous little grin and Neil forgot he was upset with her. Her expression grew grim them, and she pulled away from him. "I hurt you Neil. I hurt a lot of people, by letting my grief consume, not letting anyone in. But I won't do that anymore. I know now that times may be hard, things will come that will knock me sideways and make me cry, but with my family and you here, I can overcome the cloudy days."

"Have you and James been reading the same book?" She blushed and Neil laughed. "There is a book, isn't there?"

"Yes, but that's not the point. Listen." She gave him a mock glare. "I'm not better yet Neil," they both sobered as she admitted this. "I still struggle every day just to wake up. I still cry and I'm weak. I need your help, everyone's help."

"Well," he said, "This is the perfect time of year for that, isn't it?"

"It is?"

"It's winter, Lily. But Christmas is in two days. And hey, the sun is shining!"

"It's dark outside."

"It was shining earlier. And it will be shining tomorrow. And even if the clouds do come again, we'll just turn on all the lights and stay inside. Together. I'm not leaving you again Lily, you're too dear a friend for that."

"Do you remember how we met?" She asked him. He nodded, giving a half smile as he remembered the circumstances. He'd been protecting her one way or another ever since and wasn't planning to stop now.

"You've always been there to protect me." She laughed softly. "You didn't even like Greg at first."

"He wasn't good enough for you."

"You didn't think anyone was good enough. He was though. I miss him so much it hurts Neil. Every single moment of the day. But I think he'd be glad that we're still friends, that you're here with me."

"We'll always be friends, Lily. And I'll always be here for you."

They lay there in the dark sharing memories late into the night. When morning came, and Harry came to check on them, they were asleep. Lily was in Neil's arms and Neil was curled around her as if to protect her from anything that might come. Harry smiled, thinking of Ron and Hermione. The sun rose, spilling winter sunshine through the window and over their sleeping forms as Harry closed the door.