AN: So I finally gave in to temptation and bit the bullet, after much deliberation here is my first chapter of my first story in a very long time! woot woot! I don't have a Beta at the moment, I wanted to see if I got any kind of response before I decided to continue or not. I'll go ahead and apologize ahead of time for grammatical errors.
Picks up after Edward left in NM; Bella needs a way to remedy her heart ache, seeing as she can't seem to do it on her own. AU, OOC, Rated M for a reason; language, adult situations, violence, and lemons to come. If you're under 18, stop here or I'll tell your momma! Muhahahahah
Disclaimer: I owe 9 horses. Sadly, I don't own anything Twilight. If I did, it would definitely help out with the feed bill!
Chapter 1
"Bella, I'm not putting up with this anymore. Get your ass out of bed and out of the house for a change." Charlie quipped as he opened my bedroom door. I groaned inwardly and rolled over, pulling the blankets with me. Why couldn't he just let me lay here already?
I sighed when I realized I knew the answer to that, Charlie had been able to see right through me. I was a terrible actress. He saw right through the facade I tried to put on for everyone and knew that I was merely a walking zombie, hell, anyone could. Apparently, I've pushed the envelope a little too far, Charlie has never swore at me; not even when Renee was here in their desperate attempt to get me to leave with her. My antics that day had been less than lady like.
"I mean it Bells; you're not doing this anymore. There is a big ole world out there waiting for you, I'm not going to let you throw it all away over some boy." He scoffed at the word 'boy' and I was getting angry now, I wasn't in the mood for one of Charlie's lectures, especially not at eight o'clock on a Saturday morning. "Get up and get a shower, Angela will be here soon." At this, I rolled over and glared at him.
"What? Why?" Wonderful, way to mess up my to-do list today dad, well if I had one, it would have; that has to count for something right?
Charlie relaxed his position at the door, "Because she's worried about you Bells and she misses her friend." His voice had softened as I sat up in bed and shrugged my shoulders.
"Alright, when will she be here?" I dully responded behind my curtain of hair. I had to know how much time I had to make myself appear half-way presentable. Not that it really mattered.
"She'll be here in an hour. I'm going fishing with Billy; it's supposed to be fairly warm and sunny today. Hopefully, they'll be biting good; I might even try out some of my new lures." He said with a small smile. "Breakfast is waiting on the stove." Now he was grinning from ear to ear, he was up to something.
He waited in the doorway for a minute before he walked out "Have fun today Bells." I attempted a smile back at him as he closed the door behind him.
As bad as I wanted to lie back down and throw the covers over my head, I knew Angela didn't deserve that. She was coming to check on me to make sure I was ok. I would not be rude to her; she hadn't done anything to deserve that from me. Charlie hadn't either, but he always seemed to be getting the blunt end of the stick from me these days.
So, without further ado, I got out of bed, grabbed my bag or toiletries and headed for the bathroom. The hot water felt good and somehow seemed to clear my head. So much had happened since he left. I really didn't feel like taking a trip down memory lane, it was not a happy place to be; but for some reason unknown to me, I felt the need to take the ride this morning anyway.
Initially, after he left, I was a broken vessel. That was all that remained of the girl that once was; a hollow, broken, empty vessel. Life no longer had meaning, as if he had taken my heart, soul, and my very essence with him. Now my body was all that remained, it felt like being a puppet on a string. I didn't do anything voluntarily. I only responded when one of my strings had been pulled.
I understood now why he had gutted me so. He was magnificent, other worldly beautiful, the perfect gentleman, intelligent, kind, immortal and then there was me; the plain-jane-ordinary, bumbling, rambling, clumsy human with a serious case of danger magnetisis. How could I have ever convinced myself, no, let myself get in so deep with someone who I so clearly did not deserve? I knew the answer to that as well. I fell for him and boy did I fall hard. I was totally, utterly, and completely devoted to him. I loved him with a vengeance, hoping against hope that that love would cross the gap between us. If he loved me like I loved him, maybe one day he would make me like him and we could have spent all of eternity loving one another. I would have joined him without a moment's hesitation. Even that hadn't been enough in the end. While he gutted me when he left, ultimately it was my fault, I gave him the ammunition when I handed him my heart.
I still loved him and always would but now there was something tainted about, well, everything. I had, indeed, given 110% in our relationship and in return, lost everything, including myself.
When I first came to Forks; I was reserved but willing, hurting but strong, I was growing in my independence as my own person. That's all gone now. When he was here, he completed me and he would have done anything for me. Anything and everything; he kept me safe, he kept me company, and he evolved into my entire world. I didn't need to be hurt about leaving my mom and the world as I knew it behind me, because he completed me.
Some were along the line though, something changed. It took me along time to figure it out but I would make a decision, he would flash his crooked smile and I was putty in his hands. At first this was no big deal, it was over simple stuff. I knew he liked the color blue on me, so I wore it to make him smile. I don't like blue. Big deal, it made him smile so I did it eagerly. Then I noticed it in other aspects of my life, pretty much every aspect of my life. I was bending and contouring my life around him, trying to mold myself into what I thought he wanted me to be. I lost myself in the process. By the time I figured it out, he had long since been gone and I was all alone with a person I didn't know anymore. Me.
The moment I figured this out, something inside me changed, I felt…….jaded. How could the love of my life, my soul mate, do this to me? How and why did he leave me? I knew the answer to this too, he didn't love me. He had told me the words himself that broke me. I was a distraction, a fucking distraction. Now he was ready to move on, since he couldn't play 'human' for me anymore.
I felt the warm water slide down my hair as I felt the make shift patch work on the hole in my chest threaten to tear. There was still so much I had to work out in my head. How in the world could I love someone and be sickened by them at the same time? That's exactly how I felt. A big part of me hoped, prayed, longed, and tried to will him back on a daily basis. While the other part of me hoped I never saw him again, he had hurt me beyond repair. How would I deal with it if he came back, only to do it again? That wouldn't go over very well. No, not very well at all.
How do you heal when you can't let go of what hurts you the most? How could I let go of something I loved so much? How would I continue my life if I didn't?
The months that followed him leaving, weren't much better; anything that reminded me of him or any of them for that matter, I simply couldn't deal with. Music, movies, books, everything all went in the trash can. I wanted to put as much distance between myself and the things that hurt me as I possibly could, to put more space than my ribcage would allow between myself and the gaping hole in my chest were my heart once resided. Yet still, that wasn't nearly enough, because I was desperately clinging to the main component, Edward.
I winced a little as the hole in my chest threatened to crack open at the sound of his name in my head. Even at just the thought of his name, it still hurt. I was extremely pleased though that the hole no longer consumed me, my every thought, feeling, and action. I owed that to a very dear friend of mine, Jacob Black.
In the months following my birthday, Jacob had become my light at the end of the tunnel. He came to rescue me before the darkness could completely claim me. We had spent countless hours in his garage, two friends talking about old times and drinking warm sodas. We spent the days walking the beach in La Push or riding our motorcycles down the coast. Being around Jacob was easy and our friendship had been natural from the very beginning. Smiling and laughing felt normal around him.
I knew in my heart that he wanted more, but I had nothing left to give. I would not do that to him, he deserved better than second place. Then as if karma had found a way to throw salt in my festering wounds, it came to light that Jacob in fact was a werewolf. Shocker.
Could my life ever be simple? Why was I drawn to all things mythical? It wouldn't surprise me if the mail man was a leprechaun or if that waitress at the diner was a witch. Why couldn't I just be normal or attract normal people?
Once it came to light what Jacob was, he informed me that the wolves imprint. That was even more reason not to proceed, not that I was ready to anyway. It would be so unfair to Jacob, if we were to be together, possibly even get married and then him imprint on someone else. For him to have the knowledge that his soul mate existed but for him to be tied to me; I wouldn't let that happen. He deserved better. I would leave first. I already knew I couldn't and wouldn't take heartache again. I would rather take death.
So, we spent our days in La Push, hanging out, doing what friends do. We worked on our motorcycles and Jacob's Rabbit, until he came up with the notion that I needed something to represent me, for who I was. That's what he said anyway. I think he just wanted something to work on other than the Rabbit.
We both knew Charlie would have a fit if he knew I had a motorcycle, they just weren't feasible in Washington. It was entirely too wet here most of the year to be riding a motorcycle up and down the rain slick streets.
So, my next 'project' came into play, and boy was it a POS. A beat up, rusted over, shell of a 68' Super Sport Camaro. I argued with Jacob that it made about as much sense to drive that car as it did the motorcycle. I still had my truck, why did I need a car too? Charlie would kill me if he found out; there was no doubt about that. Jacob was persistent though, stating that my trucks days were numbered and with the car, I would be starting anew. I, or rather he, would be piecing the car back together piece by piece; just as he was doing with me. I think he was just desperate to have a new toy to play with. Plus, I had to admit, the thought of the speed (within the safe confines of the car) did somewhat excite me.
I wanted to be rebellious and impulsive and rash for once, hell, I just wanted to feel alive! The darkness was still threatening to consume me, since suffering in silence only fed the monster; I needed a different path to elude the beast. So, in a declaration of my independence from Edward; I bought the car, no motor, no transmission, just a busted up shell of a body.
In a way, I did feel like it was a reflection of me. It had seen better, happier days and now it was just a shell. That was one of the determining factors that pushed me over the edge that day.
We spent the few following months, fixing it up in Jake's garage, as time and money would allow. It now had a motor, it just wasn't actually in the car yet, still didn't have a transmission, and I have no idea about all those other parts that cars need. I just gave Jacob the money as I earned it and he went and got what was needed. Maybe the car would be drivable one day, but I'm not holding my breath for it. It still looked a lot like me, slowly being patched back together, piece by piece.
While Jacob had indeed patched the hole back together in my chest, I still wasn't whole. When I wasn't with him, I felt myself slowly digress back into the empty individual I had become. The darkness would creep back in and the pain would consume me, I couldn't escape it on my own. He had become my glue, the glue that held me together. I knew though, that he couldn't always keep me together. It just wasn't possible, he didn't imprint on me anymore than I could love him. I needed to learn how to stand on my own to feet.
I had no idea how I was going to learn to do that, but I'll be damned if I'm going to spend the rest of my life pining away over someone who didn't love me enough to stay. I needed to snap out of this. All I'm successfully doing is going in a complete circle.
I shut the water off on the shower and got out, quickly dressing before Angela arrived. She was one of my only friends at school now, everyone had jumped off the Bella band wagon after he left and I became the walking dead. We would be graduating in six weeks; I realized I wanted to spend time with her before then. I had no idea were she was going to college or if she even wanted to go. Dang, I'm a sucky friend. I really needed to make this up to her.
It didn't take me long to throw on some clothes, walk down stairs, being ever mindful of taking the steps one at a time, and down some breakfast while I waited for her.
I heard her car pull into the driveway as I was putting away my dishes. I couldn't help but nearly skip to the front door to greet her. Even though I had just seen her yesterday at school, I hadn't had any company outside of school in about two weeks. Since I took the job at Newton's and Jacob took a job in La Push at a grocery store, our schedules had not allowed us much time together. I didn't realize I was borderline desperate for social interaction.
I flung open the door before she had the chance to knock; I stepped out on the porch and pulled her into a hug.
"Nice to see you too, Bells" Angela giggled as she returned the embrace. "Are you going to invite me in or are we going to stand out here on the porch all day?" I couldn't help but giggle as I took her hand and lead her inside.
"So, what do you want to do today?" I asked as I walked into the living room, it didn't seem appropriate to say 'why are you here?' plus, now that she was here I didn't care to know why.
"Well, I was thinking we could go to Port Angeles to get our graduation outfits. "That is unless you have one already?" She cocked an eyebrow at me she knew the answer to that one. Of course I didn't have an outfit that would have meant I had left the house and went shopping. Shopping reminded me of my former best friend, so obviously that was not on my to-do list.
I was shocked stupid for a moment, in six weeks, I would be graduating high school. I definitely did not have an outfit, but what was worse was I had not given any thought at all to college or anything else. Holy crow, I had been so wrapped up in what I had lost I hadn't even noticed what I was losing right now.
Angela read the look on my face and smirked, "Ok, so you don't have an outfit. Good, I really need to go to Port Angeles today; I need to talk to my recruiting officer."
My mouth popped open at her last statement and I cocked my head to the side, "You're what?"
"My recruiting officer" she answered confidently, "I'm joining the army after I graduate, my family doesn't have a lot of money for college, so I'm earning it this way. Plus, I want to be able to make a difference, stand on my own two feet and be proud of something I'm apart of." The look on her face held so much pride and conviction I couldn't help but feel it too and felt a smile creep up on my face.
"That's awesome Angie. What time do you need to meet him…or her?" That was the best I could come up with as my mind started reeling on its own accord. At least one of us is showing some direction.
She laughed and stated, "It's a him and we meet at eleven, I was hoping we could go by there before we went shopping for outfits."
"Great, let's get going." I said, already looking for my purse and keys.
"Cool, but I'm driving" she laughed as she handed me my purse and headed out the door. I wanted to snarl at her for the driving comment but thought that might be too much.
I put my purse over my shoulder and as I was pulling the front door closed, I had an epiphany. I graduate high school in less than two months. I haven't even considered college or anything at all pertaining to my future since he left; I have no money, no direction, and while I am alive, I'm not living. I'm stuck in limbo and can't move. I'm clutching to the past like it's my life line, while it's my own personal kryptonite. As much as it's killing me, I want to break free. I want to stand on my own two feet. I want to be able to be proud of myself one day; I want to break the bonds that hold me here and become my own person. I…..I need to change.
I felt my resolve strengthen as the real question came into my mind. How do I get there from here?
Please review and let me know what you think. Should I continue or throw it in the garbage? If I continue, I'll try to update about once a week. I can't guarantee that at the moment since we are in the middle of the holidays; I have yet to start my shopping and still don't have my tree up! Good grief I'm behind!