Disclaimer: I am not an employee of Bandai. I had no part in the creation, marketing, or anything else of this series. Please don't sue.
Pairings: 2xH, 1x5, 4x6, RxL
Warnings: Slight spoilers for Endless Waltz.
Author's Notes: This was written for a fic challange. And yes, I know, Duo and Relena don't look that much alike, but after I got jumped on for jokingly saying that his cobalt blue eyes were far closer to her official eye colour of "violet purple" than her sky blue ones, I just had to stick my tongue out at people. Yes, I tend to be bitter. So shoot me. Oh, and if the pairings seem completely random, that's because they are. And finally, there is no sequel to this. There won't ever be. You have been warned.
Snatched!
"ITAI!" Duo stretched, cursing faintly in Japanese as his spine cracked. It had taken him months to find a language Hilde didn't know, thus saving him from a firm smack every time he felt the urge to swear. Right now, he definitely felt like vocalizing all of the little complaints his body was sending him for spending the last hour and half hunched over sorting metal scraps. There was a certain sense of achievement, however, in standing there, looking down at the three medium sized piles before him. A sort of common place glow that made the prospect of doing this exact same thing for the rest of the week look a lot more bearable. Turning to the huge pile of scrap next to him, he grinned. "Three down, one hundred and sixty to go. Time for a drink!"
Whistling cheerfully he headed over to the cooler at the other side of the compound and pulled out something he still wasn't used to having available: a bottle of water. "Need to remember to thank Quatre again next time I see him." The braided boy smiled to himself as he uncorked the bottle and took a swig. The Winner cooperation had gone out of their way to set up a series of trades with the L2 colony resulting in large quantities of inexpensive bottled water for the arid colony. Duo wasn't the only one still adjusting to the sheer novelty of a good water supply, just the only one who knew who to give the full credit to.
"Duo."
"Aiiieee!" Duo yelped in surprise at the sound of his name, nearly spilling his water as he whipped around to face the intruder. "Man, my survival skills are going down hill! This settled life is starting to get to me!" His eyes fell on a very familiar figure leaning against a pile of rubbish, smirking at him from under a shock of unruly brown hair. "Damnit Heero! Make noise when you walk, will you? I'm supposed to be the stealth expert here!"
Heero seemed to ignore the indignant comments. "We have a situation. You're needed."
"A situation? What kind?" Suddenly Duo was all ears. "Another invading army? Some terrorist group threatening Relena? What?"
"We need to get Relena a Christmas present." Was the solemn reply.
"A...Christmas...present?" Duo's mind hurt. Heero Yuy, once heralded as the perfect soldier, the boy who had stripped Duo's mech for parts, was here, distracting him from his work, for a Christmas present? "Um...sorry Heero, but I'm busy. I work for a living, ya' know? I've got a pile of metal the size of Wing Zero that needs to be sorted by the end of the week, I don't have time to go shopping!" Shaking his head, he turned and started walking back to said pile, turning his head slightly so he could still speak to Heero. "Why don't you just get her another teddy bear?"
"She has twenty, she says she doesn't need anymore." This time, there was the undisguised sound of bright yellow sneakers on gravel as Heero followed him. "The rest of us have an idea, but we need you. Hilde can do the work."
"Um, yeah Heero, right, whatever." Duo snorted lightly. "Not to insult Hilde, but she's a girl - she just can't work as hard as I can for as long as I can. One or the other, yes, but not both."
"She'll manage." There was a light click, the kind normally associated with triggers being pulled, and a sudden, sharp sting in the back of Duo's neck.
"What the hell...?" Duo yelped, raising one hand to his neck and pulling out the dart he found there. He tried to turn on his companion, but his muscles were starting to freeze up. "What are you doing?"
"Taking you with me." Heero replied calmly, walking over and tossing the now half-paralyzed braided pilot over his shoulder.
"This...is...kidnapping!" Duo was starting to have difficulty talking, the drugs holding the rest of him still starting to take effect on his jaws.
"You're not being kidnapped. You're being forcibly relocated." Heero informed him as he headed out of the compound. Suddenly, Duo was very unhappy that he'd given Hilde the day off, even if it was her birthday. He could use the help.
Just outside of the junkyard gate, a very familiar motorcycle sat waiting for them. Chang WuFei looked over at them and smirked. "Didn't want to come, did he? Did you even tell him what he's supposed to do?"
"No and no." Heero dumped Duo none too gently into the sidecar that had mysteriously grown on the side of the bike since last the braided pilot had seen it.
"Tch, don't break him Heero!" WuFei's brow wrinkled slightly in disapproval. "We need him in one piece."
"He'll be fine." Heero assured him, slipping onto the bike and wrapping his arms firmly around the Chinese boy's waist, pressing against his back. "Just don't crash."
"Smart ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Duo's mood was getting worse by the minute. As if being kidnapped wasn't enough, he'd nearly been smashed into the side of a building when Heero suddenly decided the ear in front of him was in desperate need of nibbling, as they were going down the road at thirty five miles per hour. Then at the shuttle port Trowa had shown up and helped the other two shove Duo in a garment bag and smuggle him on board. "You know he enjoyed that, the sadistic bastard!" The braided pilot grumbled inwardly. He was certain he'd cracked bones as he was roughly jostled around the cargo hold, then off again at the other end. Now, after a several mile drive in the trunk of Trowa's car, he was being carried into a very familiar office in a very familiar mansion. "Forget thanking Quatre for the water. He can shove it up his cute little ass!"
"Oh good, you got him!" Quatre Raberba Winner beamed up from behind his desk as the other four pilots made their entrance - three walking, one tossed over Heero's shoulders. Next to him stood a young blonde woman who could be none other than one of the infamous Winner sisters. Duo felt his heart relocate somewhere in the vicinity of his feet. "Had to drug him, I see." Quatre sighed, coming around the desk as Heero set Duo on his feet. "Really Duo, there's no need to worry! It won't be that bad!"
"I don't believe you!" Duo glared at the blonde. "I don't know what's going on, but I really don't believe you!"
"Well, come on guys, let's get his clothes off!" Quatre smiled, reaching out to start unzipping Duo's black shirt. Duo managed a strangled noise, by way of protest. He didn't have to know what was going on to know he wanted his clothes! His noises went unnoticed, however, as the other four pilots quickly and efficiently stripped him of all but his underwear.
"Thank God for small favors!" Duo mentally sighed, wishing he could rub his waist where Heero picked him up so Trowa and WuFei could remove his shoes.
"Will the clothes fit?" Heero asked, eyeing the mostly naked pilot.
"Oh, I'm sure they will!" Quatre nodded cheerfully, picking up a pair of pale pink pants.
"You've got to be kidding me!" If it weren't for the fact his jaw muscles were still locked up, Duo would have been screaming. "Those look like something Relena would wear!" He did a double take as Quatre's sister picked up a matching jacket. "Waitaminute! That is one of Relena's outfits! Oh no...no! Guys, don't get me wrong, I like Relena and all, but I can't wear her clothes!" The mere thought of wearing girls pants was enough to make the braided pilot want to cross his legs.
By the time the four of them had finished dressing him, Duo was ready to cry. The pants weren't as tight as he had feared, but the padded bra he'd been shoved into was cutting in the shoulders and the heavy business jacket was itchy, even if he did have a white blouse between it and him. Not to mention his scalp hurt like hell - they'd put his hair up in what felt like a series of small buns, and Trowa had taken a fiendish pleasure in ramming the bobby pins into his head. All right, so he had apologized every time. It hadn't sounded very sincere!
"Oh, you look so pretty!" Mara, who had turned out to be Quatre's next to youngest sister, giggled, hands clasped in front of her like and excited kindergartner. Turning to her brother, she almost begged, "Is it my turn now?"
"Yes, it is." Quatre gave his sister a wave on his way out of the office. He was followed by Trowa, then WuFei, who was trying to keep Heero from goosing him and failing rather miserably. "Have fun!"
"I will, don't worry about that!" Mara smiled after the four pilots, before reaching behind Quatre's desk and pulling out what Duo instantly recognized as several makeup compacts and a long, sandy colored wig.
"No, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quatre leaned over Trowa and punched the button in the little speaker set. "This is Quatre Raberba Winner. Is Zechs available?"
After a moment's pause, there was a crackly response. "Of course, Master Winner. One moment."
"Thank you." Quatre turned to glance in the back seat. Duo was firmly situated between Heero, who was reaching over him to grope at WuFei, and WuFei, who was trying desperately to keep Heero's hand away from his crotch. Somehow, both Asian pilots managed to do this while looking straight ahead, their expressions deadpan. If Duo could have changed his expression, it would have been one of utter outrage, especially when Heero missed and accidentally grabbed his thigh. As it was, he had to settle for glaring. The effect was somewhat ruined by several layers of tastefully applied eye shadow and mascara. Quatre frowned. "Heero, leave WuFei alone. You'll wrinkle Duo's jacket and we can't have that."
Heero glared but removed his hand from WuFei's hip, much to the relief of both the backseat's other occupants.
"Zechs here." The speaker outside the window came to life again with the voice of the one time Prince of Sank.
"Hello there Sexy." Quatre purred back. "We have that present we promised your sister."
"Oh good! Noin will be so please!" There was a buzz as the gate in front of them was unlocked and swung slowly out of the way. "I'll meet you at the back door."
"See you!" Quatre smiled, returning his khaki-clad posterior to the seat. Trowa carefully guided his car through the open gate and onto the grounds surrounding the Darlian mansion.
In the back seat, Duo was starting to flat out panic. "He said Noin would be pleased. What does that mean? What are she and Relena going to be doing to me?" Being told that having him dressed as the Vice-Minister would make Relena's girlfriend happy was not exactly what Duo would call reassuring. If it weren't for the fact that he was fairly certain that neither woman had even a passing interest in men (with the possible exceptions of Heero and Zechs) he'd have thought this was some sort of sex ring. As it was... "I have no clue, but these shoes are starting to pinch!"
Zechs Marquis was standing at the top of the stairs when the car came to a stop. Quatre was out of the car and flying toward him before any of the others could so much as unfasten their seatbelts. By the time they'd gotten themselves and Duo out, the two blonds were happily competing to see which one of them could get their tongue the furthest down the other's throat. It was a sight that had long ago stopped shocking anyone that dealt with them on a regular basis, although if anyone had figured out what attracted the two to each other, they were keeping it to themselves. Ignoring the kissing couple, Heero and Trowa hauled Duo up the stairs to where Pargon was waiting just inside the door.
"Right this way." The butler smiled, gesturing for them to follow him.
"Is everyone in on this?" Duo whimpered. He was beginning to seriously wonder if Hilde's asking for the day off hadn't been part of the plot.
By the time they'd reached what Duo instantly recognized to be the door to Relena's office, Zechs and Quatre had managed to pry themselves apart and had rejoined the party.
"Alright then, everyone ready?" Quatre smiled, smoothing a few mussed strands of hair back into place.
"No! Most certainly not!" Duo tried to get his mouth to work, but only managed a few more incoherent noises.
"One moment." Pargon walked to a nearby table, opened a small drawer set in it, then returned with a red ribbon, which he promptly tied around Duo.
"I never thought I'd say this about an old man, but he's dead!"
"There, now you may go in." The butler smiled, raising one hand to knock on the Vice-Minister's door. "You have visitors, Miss Relena."
"Send them in Pargon." The light female voice barely carried through the heavy doors. With a bow, Pargon pushed the door open and the small group trundled into the office. Relena sat behind a desk that looked far too big for her. Lucrezia Noin stood behind her, hands at her sides but with an expression on her face that said they were interrupting something. Both women's eyes went wide as they caught sight of Duo. "What in the name of...?"
"Merry Christmas Relena!" Quatre and Zechs chorused. Trowa's lips moved, but Duo couldn't hear anything coming out of them. WuFei and Heero were standing off to one side. Duo couldn't see what Heero was doing, but WuFei's muscles kept twitching sporadically, so it didn't seem strange that neither pilot joined in the greeting.
"We decided to give you a replacement." Quatre explained happily to the stunned young woman. "Now you and Noin can take that vacation you've been talking about!"
"Vacation?" The word ran through Duo's head a couple of times before his blood slowly started boiling. He could feel the steam coming out of his ears. "I went through all this humiliation so Relena Darlian Peacecraft could go on vacation?!?" He could tell the drugs locking his muscles were finally starting to wear off - he could feel his fingers twitching as they tried to ball into fists.
"Oh thank you!" Relena all but squealed happily, jumping up from behind her desk and running to hug each of the pilots in turn. She even planted a light kiss on Duo's cheek. "I've been under so much stress lately and Luci and I never get any time together!" With a laugh and a second hug for her brother and his boyfriend, she ran over, grabbed Noin's hand, and started dragging the dark-haired woman from the room. "Come on Luci! Let's go pack right now!"
"The car is waiting, the shuttle leaves in two hours." Pargon informed her, stepping aside to clear the doorway.
"Perfect!" Noin laughed as she let herself be dragged along behind Relena.
"Relena!" WuFei all but yelped. "Before you leave, may I ask for a room for the night?"
"No problem! Pargon will get you one! Ah, thank you all again!" That was the last they heard from the young politician.
"The Suite in the East Wing is free, Master Chang. Feel free to make use of it." The butler bowed, then vanished with the uncanny silence possessed solely by ghosts and butlers. WuFei grinned and grabbed Heero.
"Justice shall be served!" The Chinese pilot chuckled as he hauled his boyfriend off. The cackling would have had more effect if Heero hadn't been smirking like the proverbial cat who swallowed the canary.
"Mmm, Quatre? How would you like to see the upgrades I made to my car?" Zechs purred, resting his chin on the smaller blond's head.
"That would be wonderful! How fast can it go now?"
"Fast enough Relena's afraid I'll break my neck driving the thing!" Zechs laughed, looping an arm around his lover's waist and guiding him out the door.
Trowa walked over to Duo and tilted his head to one side. After a long, thorough examination that left the braided pilot feeling like lion bait, the Heavy Arms pilot licked his thumb and scrubbed at a spot next to Duo's lower lip. "Your lipstick was smudged." Trowa explained, patting Duo on the head and, not so coincidentally, Duo was certain, pressing a few of those damn bobby pins further into the skin. Then he too was gone, shutting the door behind him, leaving Duo alone in Relena's office. Plotting revenge...
--The End--