It's early morning; the sun is just beginning to seep through the window of my square room. Blinds or curtains are not permitted as it gives a false sense of hiding yourself away. Besides, natural sun light is a good indication of time. What time to sleep, wake up, work, eat, work out.
He would be coming soon. My body anticipated his arrival. It was a miracle in itself that we had found each other, considering the time we were now in. It was hard enough back then. It had only just become acceptable for us, people like me, to walk around with each other in public without being attacked (verbally and physically), so we had been all still very cautious to go out. As you can imagine, this didn't make it easy to find others like you. There were clubs and bars and special events, but these could be seen as too open for some who were not yet comfortable in their own skin- like I was, had been. But now to find another like you was near impossible.
It would be easier for us once he was here. Doors were never locked; it gave the false impression of us having freedom. They told us that we could leave whenever we wanted to. We all knew this was not true; we kept this truth as a secret between us all. We could not leave.
We were certain, the most dangerous part of his journey, from his room to mine, was to get down the hallway. Others watched to make sure you stayed in line, those who 'Believed'. He would be safe as long as no one see's him come into my room and as long as we don't go by the window.
The way we met was very strange in hindsight. We were all (all of us, the whole squad) in the showers. Our individual shower heads were next to each other. We, of course, already knew each other by face, but this was our first real contact. It wasn't deemed proper to look at one another while showering. Even an accidental glance could be seen as suspicious if the Commanders caught you. I had my back to him; the tiled wall of the room was to my other side. I counted the tiles from top to bottom to try and keep my mind occupied for the short time we had in the showering room. It was bizarre. I felt, only for a moment, the wet of his soft hand lightly touch the small of my back. Then, as soon as it had come, it was gone.
It was as if he knew I'd wanted to look at him. As if he knew the pictures I held privately, in my own mind, of what I would do to him, if I could. It's was as if he knew about me and what I am. The touch of his hand on my back. Skin on skin. It was as if a shock of energy was sent between us. It held information; I wanted it; he wanted it. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife.
That's not how the old phrase went.
All that wasn't that long ago. We both knew it couldn't last for that long with no risk of being caught. So I wait for him in my room, not knowing whether or not I would, we would ever see each other again. It had lasted longer than I'd ever expected it to. What we did together was amazing. He was just perfect in every way. I don't know if I'd have felt the same way before, but it's no good to live in the past. He was all I could get, for the time being, ever if we were caught (which was more likely to happen, I do not dare think about both our fates when we are). Therefore, he is perfect.
At last, after what seemed hours of starring at my motionless door, it finally opened. It was opened timidly, as to not raise suspicion, but shyness wasn't a trait of his nature. When he entered my room it became his. The air about him was different; it changed the air around him, changing the atmosphere of the room. His air was fresh, his air was defying, his air was free.
I ran towards him without actually running. He held off my embrace with an outstretched arm. He closed the door with the other. It was little mistakes like these which get you caught. I should have known better.
When the door was closed he threw himself at me; knocking me backwards, but not far enough to be seen from the window. We'd never taken the risk to visit one and other's rooms before. The idea had been seen as too dangerous. But when you know you will eventually be caught the idea became more appealing. Being in an enclosed room, without it being likely of anyone walking in, would make it possible for us to do more. We'd never gone 'the whole way' as some used to say. We'd done enough together to be called close, intimate. Lovers. Neither of us had yet penetrated the other. It was our prize saved for us tonight. It was our prize for being together in the most forbidden way. It was our prize for lasting so long.
There had only been one other time that we had had contact with each other alone- after what had happened in the showers. I wanted to practise my targeting while shooting a gun and preferred to do so later in the evenings, when possible, as it meant that there were hardly ever any others around to see how bad I actually was at it. He was there already before me, shooting a target of a silhouette of a woman with a shopping basket and wearing a nun like headdress. He didn't see me come in. The room was empty apart from the two of us; the Commander's must have gone to have a cigarette. I was excited by this time that we had and went over to him, softly placing my gun to the ground before I did so. I stepped behind him and, before he can turn to see who it was, placed my arms around him. He was stunned to begin with but soon lowers his gun. He knew it could not be anyone else but me. I was pressed so closely to him it was no wonder he felt my weapon in his back. He turned slowly to face me. We gazed at each other for a while. Then he unsteadily got to his knees and undid my trousers.
I take in his aroma as his arms hold me tight. There was more to it than the issued plain soap and artificial mint toothpaste. A fragrance which belonged to only to him and no one else. I hope he found on me a similar scent. A scent which was only mine, which made me unique to him too.
He lifts my chin in his rough hand. Our job requires a lot of heavy lifting, pushing and pulling. He raised my face to his and then kissed my mouth. Both our lips were dry and cracked, but the wetness from the other's soothed both our pains.
"I missed you," he grunts in no more than a whisper.
"I missed you too," I replied in the same tone. This was a little white lie, of course, and he'd told me the same one. It is hard to focus on any other emotion than fear when you know you shall eventually be caught for the crimes you are committing. The only question was when. And so this fright of being caught takes up our daily lives and emotions. It isn't there when we are together, (I would prefer to be caught together than alone) there is no need for it to be when we are alone. Alas, we both choose to believe in this little white lie anyway. It is a comfort to think that someone else out there is thinking of you, someone that (at least appears) to care. It also saves the pain of the knowledge that the person you are having relations with may not think of you as much as you'd wish them to.
"I want you," he adds now caressing my cheek. Our eyes are on the same level. His are a deep grey of knowing, like a sky full of clouds aware of an oncoming storm.
"I want you too," I reply again. This was not a lie in any sense. In fact, it was one of the biggest truths I would ever know or tell.
I felt his hands slip to my chest, unbuttoning the first few buttons of my standard green uniform shirt. He was wearing the same. It was custom for us Guardian's to change from bed shirts to uniform as soon as the sun rose. However, there was still enough time for us to be together. They usually gave us this early morning time to be our own. Do with it what we will. Although, they expected (well preferred) us to do something constructive with this spare time. However, what they wanted us to do was never specified.
The heat of his hand engulfed my chest. I wanted him to touch more of my body. My hands began to wander over him, exploring his muscles and the little flesh which was showing. At first, on his chest, too, but my hands could not be as polite as his. They ventured lower and lower on his firm, fully clothed, body. I rubbed my fingers firmly over his crotch to see if he was as excited as I was. I could feel the unmistakable bulge. I could see the colour of his cheeks darken a little.
He pushed me back. I wanted to cry out in anguish. He just held a finger to his lips as he began to undo the buttons of his own green uniform. The only difference was that he undid them all. The sight of his bare chest awoke something inside of me and I could no longer hold back. I jumped on to him and we tore off each other's clothes. We collapsed on to my bed, trying to make as little sound as possible.
He fucked me first. He felt so good inside me. Then I fucked him. He moaned in pleasure as I released somewhere deep inside him. It was while we were lying in bed together, naked, afterwards when the door to my room opened and a Commander stepped in. Our time had finally run out.
On the Wall hang three bodies slowly drifting in the wind. Their heads are covered with white sacks which faintly smell of cleaning chemicals. Two of the hanging bodies are in green Guardian uniforms. Their limp dancing bodies are the main attraction for two on looking Handmaids.
Fin.