Guess this means you're sorry
You're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
All you said before
"Rachel! Please open the door! Please!"
Rachel glanced at the door and dabbed the wet tissue to her bottom eyelid.
"Rachel! I am so sorry! Please; you have to forgive me! I love you…you know that."
Rachel hugged her legs impossibly tighter to her chest, fresh tears spilling from her brown eyes. She clenched her hand around the tissue and rested her forehead against her knees, soaking the knees of her sweatpants with tears. Rachel knew that she couldn't live without her, but she wasn't ready to forgive her. Not yet.
"Rachel. Please." There was a single knock on the door, and then a muffled sob permeated the thick silence in Rachel's room.
Rachel lifted her head and wiped away her tears. She uncurled from the ball she had coiled herself into and slowly stood up from the bed. The brunette shuffled across the floor in her socks. She stopped as soon as her hand touched the doorknob. Rachel took a deep breath and opened her bedroom door.
"Rach?" The tear-stained diva looked down at the floor and saw her favorite blonde slumped against the wall, sitting on the floor, tears streaming down her flawless face.
Rachel ignored the feeling of her heart plunging to the pit of her stomach and whispered, "Quinn?" When her chocolate eyes locked with hazel ones, Rachel's mind flew back to the nasty argument that had preceded all the tears.
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you'd never come back
But here you are again
"Hey," Quinn said, planting a kiss on her girlfriend's cheek.
"Hi," Rachel replied. She smiled stiffly at Quinn. "Come on in." Quinn stepped through the doorway, shedding her coat. Rachel admired the blonde's short paisley dress that accentuated her long legs. Rachel sighed internally. The way Quinn looked was only going to make this harder.
"I feel a little overdressed," Quinn laughed, looking at Rachel's sweats and Uggs.
Rachel smiled weakly. "Are you OK?" the blonde asked.
"Not—not really," Rachel replied. Quinn's brow wrinkled in confusion. The brunette grasped Quinn's hand and led her to her bedroom.
As Quinn closed the door behind her, she asked, "Baby? What's the matter?"
Rachel winced and let go of the blonde's hand. She sat down on the edge of her bed and directed her attention at her fidgeting hands. "Don't…don't call me 'baby'."
"What's wrong?" Quinn inquired. She looked extremely concerned and eased herself slowly onto the bed next to Rachel. "Was it something I did?"
Rachel suddenly leapt up from the bed. "Do you want something to drink?"
"Rachel." Quinn looked up at her girlfriend, her hazel eyes pleading with the brunette. Rachel slowly sank back down on the bed.
"Yes, actually, it was something you did," the brunette replied. She looked up from her hands and stared boldly into Quinn's eyes, which were swirling with confusion. "Today, I saw Brittany sitting all alone at glee and I asked her what was wrong. Brittany said…that…she and Santana were in a fight. When I asked her what it was about, Brittany told me that all Santana could talk about on the way to school was…um…" Rachel took a deep breath. "Was how amazing your lips are."
Quinn promptly shut her eyes and drew in a sharp breath.
"What happened, Quinn?" Rachel asked tearfully. "I thought I could trust you."
Guilt shot through Quinn's heart from the words that had passed Rachel's lips. "Rachel…nothing happened between me and Santana," the blonde whispered.
"That's not what Brittany made it seem like." Rachel wanted that to come out much harsher, but it was spoken in a gentle whisper laced with heartbreak.
Quinn's hazel eyes snapped open. "It was just one kiss, Rachel!" she exclaimed.
Rachel suddenly couldn't breathe. Her gaze shifted to Quinn's slightly parted pink lips. They had been pressed against Santana's just last night. Tears filled Rachel's brown eyes. "Is she more desirable than me?" the brunette asked quietly.
Quinn shook her head, quickly responding, "Rachel, no. Not at all. I could never want anyone more than you."
"Obviously Santana is an exception." The brunette turned her head from the blonde as tears started to arrive in her eyes.
"Rachel, you know that's not true!" Quinn insisted.
"Then why was Santana boasting about how amazing your lips are?" Rachel inquired. "It wasn't just one kiss, was it? What happened, Quinn?"
The blonde felt tears rising to the surface but she pushed them back down. "We…didn't do any more than kissing, I swear…but Rach…it didn't mean anything. I'm in love with you."
"Why did you kiss her in the first place?" Quinn started to say something, but Rachel cut her off. "It's because she's hot, isn't it? You just couldn't help yourself, could you? No matter how hard I try, I can never compete with Santana and her Latin charm. First Finn, now you? It's no wonder that I've had so many failed relationships. It's because of her. But I thought I could trust you. Especially you. And now you're saying you would choose Santana over me?"
Quinn had heard enough. She was done trying to convince the diva. She stood up and faced Rachel, her hard eyes filled with anger. "You know what?" Rachel snapped her gaze up to look at her furious girlfriend. "Yes, you're right. I do want Santana. I want her almost as much as I once desired you. Is that what you want to hear?" Rachel shook her head, speechless. "When I walk out that door, I'm not coming back. You obviously are just hanging on the edge of your seat, wishing and waiting for my departure. Well congratulations, Rachel. Your wish has been granted."
"Quinn!" Rachel called as she helplessly watched her girlfriend stalk towards the door. Quinn stopped, leaning against the doorframe. She looked at the brunette with questioning eyes. "I-I'm sorry." Rachel wanted to say so much more, but her overwhelming shock and regret were choking her up, and she could barely spit out the few words she wanted to say.
"I'm not." And with that, Quinn turned on her heel and walked away.
After a minute of sitting absolutely shell shocked on her bed, Rachel burst into tears. She had been holding them back the whole time and couldn't quell the flood of tears now cascading down her face. Rachel dragged her knees onto the bed and hugged them to her chest, trying to dull the pain of her heart breaking. Every time she thought she had run out of tears, the sound of Quinn's footsteps quickly receding came back to her and a new wave of sorrow washed over her. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried so hard. When the tears finally stopped falling, Rachel's chest was completely empty; like her heart had just been torn out from behind her ribcage.
Maybe I was stupid
For telling you goodbye.
Maybe I was wrong
For trying to pick a fight.
"I'm not," Quinn replied coldly. She had all but 2 seconds until the tears started to fall. Needing the safety of her car, the blonde sprinted down the stairs and raced through the living room towards the door. She stubbed her toe on the coffee table and cried out in pain. Wrapping her arms around her shaking torso, she sank to the ground in a crumpled, defeated heap.
What had she just done? The kiss with Santana had been a stupid dare that had gotten slightly out of their control. A dare from Brittany, of all people! She had run out of the room crying once Santana had pushed her away. Quinn should've just told Rachel that in the first place. As soon as she had seen the brunette standing at her locker, she should have said something. Before she had even kissed her girlfriend good morning, Quinn should have told her what had happened the night before.
'Should have,' Quinn thought to herself. She scoffed. 'Shoulda, woulda, coulda. That's what everyone always says, right?' And now for her inane decision not to speak up, Quinn might have lost her girlfriend. The idea brought fresh tears to her hazel eyes and Quinn curled up on the soft carpet underneath her.
She didn't know how she'd made it before, but Quinn knew she wouldn't be able to make it far without Rachel. The annoying diva had surprisingly become her strongest support system. It had taken a while to come to terms with the fact that she was in love with Rachel, but after she decided to accept it, she was thrilled that she had. Quinn had vowed to not screw up this time. But here she was, both of their hearts shattered into a million tiny pieces. And now she had to clean up the mess she made.
After giving herself 10 minutes to clear her head and prepare her speech, the blonde pushed herself off the ground and started to make her way towards Rachel's bedroom. The way she saw it, she would make her heart wrenching speech, and her girlfriend would run into her arms without a second thought.
However, she didn't anticipate freezing up before she even got into the room. Quinn froze, her hand raised, primed to knock on the door. A million possibilities of Rachel's reactions ran through her now blank mind.
What if she tells me to go away? I did tell her I was never coming back. What if she refuses to open the door? What if she throws something at me? What if she tells me she doesn't love me anymore? What if we start fighting again? What if she cheats on me to retaliate? What if it turns out that she and Santana had an affair, and she's upset because Santana cheated on her, not me?
Quinn shook all the "what ifs" out of her head and knocked gently on the door. "Rachel?" she called softly.
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up, too
Either way, I found out
I'm nothing without you
The door slowly creaked open. Quinn's head snapped up to look at her favorite brunette poking her head through the opening into the hallway.
"Rachel?" Quinn whispered. Rachel looked down at the crumpled blonde on the floor. Her big brown eyes latched onto Quinn's puffy hazel ones.
"Quinn?" Rachel's hurt voice filled Quinn's ears, pressing on her eardrums until the pressure forced her to swallow the compression away.
Quinn's carefully prepared speech dropped out of her mind when she saw the brunette's tear stained cheeks and quivering lip. "I…am so sorry. You know that…that you are the only one I love. I've never felt this way about anyone. When you came along, all of my feelings seemed like they were multiplied by a million. The good ones and the bad ones." Rachel slowly slid down the wall next to her girlfriend. "And then you started missing dates and singing duets with Puck…and I thought you weren't…you weren't interested in me anymore. I felt like you were slipping away. I just…I don't know…"
"Just because I like to be challenged with a vocal range that is considerably more diverse than mine doesn't mean I'm slipping away," Rachel said quietly, her eyes transfixed on her thumbnail. "I was still right there."
"I-I'm sorry Rachel," Quinn whispered, her voice cracking.
"Why did you kiss her?" Rachel demanded to know, her voice growing stronger with each syllable.
"It…um...it was part of a stupid dare that got taken a little too far," Quinn quickly said, pressing her shoulder against the brunette's arm. Rachel shifted away from Quinn, her attention still directed at her thumb.
"Really?" Rachel inquired softly.
"Really," Quinn replied. She wanted Rachel to know that she hadn't attacked Santana's lips of her own accord. It had been quite the opposite, actually. "I just…um…"
XXXXX
"I'm really not comfortable with that, you guys," Quinn complained from her spot on the floor.
"Suck it up, Q," Santana mumbled into Brittany's mouth. "You wanted to come here tonight."
"Yeah, I came here to talk to you," Quinn replied. "Not to listen to you and Brittany…do stuff."
As Brittany's lips moved to Santana's neck, the Latina asked the blonde on the floor, "Why do you say it like that? I thought you played for our team?"
Brittany looked up, her brow furrowed. "San. You said we were the only players on our football team because you said I was a great wide receiver and you were the tight end."
"We are," Santana responded, kissing the confused girl on the forehead before sliding off the couch to sit next to a disgusted Quinn, who looked up from flipping through the latest issue of Seventeen.
"I do play for your team," Quinn quietly said. Santana reached up to silence Brittany before she interjected. "I just feel like…Rachel's pulling away from me," Quinn continued. "She's always making excuses for missing our dates. And that duet she sang with Puck yesterday? That wasn't exactly a 'friendly' song."
Santana shook her head, smiling at the blonde. "It isn't funny!" Quinn protested.
"Um, yeah," Santana said. "It kind of is." Quinn turned on her, her expression furious. "First off, you were so turned on by that. Don't even try to deny it." Quinn blushed. "Second, this is Berry we're talking about. She's practically addicted to commitment." When Quinn's expression didn't change, she went on. "Look. This is the thing with girls. They usually don't stray. That's the guy's job. You always hear about the 'other woman' right? But since there are two girls, you don't stray. I mean, you'll probably have a straight experiment or something and lose your virginity to some guy you're only giving half of your heart to, but…you're like magnets. You'll always come back to each other, eventually." A pale hand slid over the couch cushions onto Santana's shoulder. The couple shared a secret smile before the Latina turned back to Quinn.
"Um, I don't know if you forgot," Quinn began. "And I'm sure you haven't because you gave me hell and a new nickname last year because of it, but I was pregnant last year. With Puck's baby. And, if I must remind you again, I was cheating on Finn. I am done with straight experiments."
"And that duet with Puck?" Santana continued, blatantly ignoring the blonde's words. "Why do you think she sang it with him?" she prompted. Quinn shrugged. Santana sighed heavily. "To make you jealous, dumbass!"
"It worked," Quinn muttered under her breath. The song they sang was loaded with emotion and passion. Quinn thought it had been directed at her, but as the song carried on, she worried there might not be just one target the song had been aimed at.
"Are you sure you're in love with Rachel?" Santana inquired, plucking the magazine from Quinn's hands.
Quinn turned towards her best friend, affronted. "Of course I'm in love with her!" she yelled indignantly.
"I dare to you to kiss Santana, then."
The two girls on the floor glanced at each other, and then cautiously looked up at the blonde lounging on the couch. "I'm sorry," Santana said, holding up a hand. "What?"
Brittany sat up excitedly. "Yeah!" she yelped. "If Quinn likes kissing Santana, then we know that she's not in love with Rachel."
"What if Santana likes it?" Quinn inquired, a suggestive tone in her voice and a sly smile on her face.
"She won't," Brittany replied cheerily. "'Cause I know she's in love with me." Quinn nodded and turned around to see her best friend's eyes boring into hers, glimmering dangerously. The blonde's smile only grew bigger.
"No," Santana stated firmly. "No way in hell am I kissing Quinn. That's just…disgusting." Quinn grabbed the magazine out of Santana's hands and whacked her on the head with it. "Watch it, Q," Santana warned as she wrenched the magazine out of Quinn's grip.
"Come on, San," Brittany pleaded. "We'll be helping Quinn and Rachel."
"I'd be fine with it," Quinn acquiesced. "I would love to prove you wrong." Quinn knew that a kiss with Santana would be harmless. She was her best friend. In fact, they'd already kissed before, during a few drunken experiments. But nothing had come of it. Quinn wasn't attracted to Santana in that way and the feeling was mutual. One kiss wasn't going to hurt. Especially if it shut Santana up about Quinn questioning her feelings for Rachel.
"Please, San?" Brittany pleaded. She stuck out her lower lip and widened her eyes, and Santana was a goner.
The Latina rolled her brown eyes and snapped, "Fine. One kiss."
Quinn shifted to sit on her knees as Santana lightly touched her shoulders and leaned forward. Santana pecked Quinn's lips and the blonde turned to look at Brittany who was staring attentively at the two girls. "See?" Quinn said. She turned her head to see Santana's face was still inches from hers. "Santana?" The brunette's brow was furrowed, her eyes inquisitive.
"San!" Brittany tapped the girl on the shoulder.
Santana cocked her head and promptly attacked Quinn's slightly parted lips. Quinn staggered backwards, surprised by the force of the kiss.
"Santana!" Brittany yelled from the couch. She leapt off the cushions and tugged at one of Santana's arms, but the girl waved the blonde off dismissively. Quinn could see over the Latina's shoulder tears starting to form in Brittany's eyes. She watched helplessly as Brittany flew out of the room, her hand pressed to her mouth.
"Santana," Quinn mumbled against the Latina's lips.
The brunette pushed back from the blonde and stared seductively into her hazel eyes. Quinn raised her eyebrows dangerously high while gesturing wildly with her hands around the room. Santana gasped as she stood shakily to her feet and glanced around the room before muttering, "Shit." She ran out of the room her hand on her forehead. "Brittany!"
Quinn leaned against the couch as she wiped her hand across her lips in shock. Her mind was blank for a few moments before a coherent thought registered in her mind: Rachel.
XXXXX
"I was the first thing that came to your mind after Santana practically molested you?" Rachel asked in shock.
Quinn managed a weak smile before answering, "Yeah."
"Why?" Rachel inquired. She looked at the blonde, her brow furrowed. Santana, one of the hottest, most desired girls in the school district had attacked Quinn's lips, and the first thing that came to mind after the kiss was her social outcast of a girlfriend? True, Rachel wasn't as much of an outcast as she was once she began dating Quinn, which shocked the both of them, who thought they would be shunned because of their relationship. Still, Rachel wasn't one of the most popular in the school. Quinn had maintained her status, but Rachel still had quite a few rungs on the social ladder to climb.
"Why?" Quinn exclaimed, whipping her head around to glare at the brunette with blazing eyes. Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but Quinn beat her to the punch. "Why?" she repeated. "Because I'm in love with you, Rachel. I love you. And after Santana had nearly shocked me into oblivion, the first thing that occurred to me was how this might affect you. Believe me, Rachel, I know your history with relationships, and it sucks. I didn't want this to go awry. Because this is real. My love for you is real, and I know that sounds extremely corny, but it's true. I screwed up not telling you the minute it happened, and I'm so so sorry. I will get down on my knees and beg for your forgiveness if I have to." Quinn shifted onto her knees and clasped her hands together, staring at Rachel pleadingly. "Please forgive me. Please let me call you 'baby.' Please let me take your hand and kiss you again and run my fingers through your hair." Tears were streaming down her face again. Her voice shook as she whispered, "I love you Rachel. Please, please forgive me. Please."
Rachel looked incredulously at the tearful blonde. Quinn had only expressed her true feelings for the girl like that when she first confessed her unusual attraction to her. "Really?" Rachel said quietly. "That—that's really how you feel about me?"
"Yes," Quinn breathed out. "Really."
Rachel shifted onto her knees to face Quinn and folded her still fidgeting hands on her lap. "This isn't the first time you've cheated," she whispered. Quinn opened her mouth to protest, but Rachel continued speaking. "I'm aware you have an issue with thinking that people don't want you. And I'm willing to accept that. I have for several months now; in fact, I've grown quite accustomed to you being spontaneously paranoid that I would leave you. But, Quinn." Rachel smiled at the slightly stunned blonde. "You need to know that we would be nothing without each other. You screwed up—bad. But we can work through this together. If I let you walk out that door…I just know I would horribly regret it later."
Quinn gazed at the brunette, somewhat shocked by the outpouring of words that had just filled the now silent hallway. "So you forgive me?" Quinn asked, daring to believe her own words.
Being with you
Is so dysfunctional.
I really shouldn't miss you,
But I can't let you go.
Rachel bit her lip in the adorable way that made Quinn melt every time and conceded, "Yeah. I am. Quinn, I love you and I should be so infuriated with you right now but I just can't be. Especially not after that beautiful oration proclamation about how much you really want this relationship to work. And I—"
Rachel was silenced by Quinn claiming her lips with her own, sending familiar tingles down Rachel's body. The kiss became deeper and Quinn desperately swiped her tongue across the brunette's lip, pleading for entrance. She was worried that she would never get to taste those lips again, and relief washed through her body as Rachel barely hesitated before granting Quinn access. Their tongues twisted gracefully together, the familiar sensation of warmth swirling in Quinn's stomach.
Quinn pulled away gently but her lips stayed firmly in front of Rachel's as she declared, "You know, my life would really suck without you." A wide smile stretched across Rachel's face before the blonde pulled her girlfriend's chin up to meet her anxiously awaiting lips.
'Cause we belong together now, yeah.
Forever united here somehow, yeah.
You got a piece of me, and honestly,
My life would suck without you.