23
M*A*S*H
"Hope and Hawkeye"
By Racan Souiedan
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. CAMP – NIGHTFALL
Hawkeye and Trapper step out of the Operating Room after a long session in surgery. Hawkeye kicks a few stones dejectedly while Trapper looks up at the sky in disbelief. They begin slowly walking across the camp towards the Swamp.
TRAPPER
(Holding his arms up in shock) There's no justice! What happened to our beautiful sunny day?
HAWKEYE
(Jokingly) The war, silly! Twelve hours in surgery, and that's the third time this week! Leave it to Harry Truman and Kim Il-Sung to spoil a perfectly good party.
TRAPPER
(Sarcastically) And this used to be such a great neighbourhood until all those wounded started showing up. You know, we're never gonna get all that blood out of our khaki drapes.
HAWKEYE
(Putting his arm around Trapper excitedly) Well, the night is young, my rugged comrade. Where to? The officer's club? The hole in the nurse's shower? Rest assured that no matter the day's toil, there's a thirst-quenching nightcap out there with our weary names on it.
TRAPPER
Pass. I wanna clock about eight hours of solid sack time before the next batch of casualties shows up. Around here, when it rains, it pours.
HAWKEYE
Buckets! I guess I might as well join you. Misery loves misery, after all. (Getting frustrated) There's nothing to do around here anyways but wait for Mr. Police Action to show up with the next batch of human suffering.
They pass a few nurses in uniform on the way, along with other assorted Army personnel and approach the Swamp. Trapper holds the door open and ushers for him and Hawkeye to enter.
TRAPPER
On to yonder cot!
INT. SWAMP – CONTINUOUS
Radar walks in with a handful of letters to deliver.
RADAR
(Sounding official) Mail call!
Hawkeye and Trapper swarm him excitedly and immediately begin leafing through the pile. Radar watches them with irritation.
RADAR
(Angrily) Hey! You can't do that! Some of those belong to Major Burns.
TRAPPER
(Looking at a couple of letters from Major Burns' wife) Yeah, and you've already opened them!
Radar turns away in embarrassment.
HAWKEYE
(Kissing him excitedly on the cheek) Radar, you're a godsend. You've just delivered us a sacred boon from boredom. The night is saved!
Radar smiles until he notices Hawkeye and Trapper's faces abruptly sink.
HAWKEYE
(Disappointed) Wait a minute, Radar. There's nothing but junk here. It's just bills and magazines.
TRAPPER
(Looking at his collection of mail) Me too. (Heading for his bed) Oh, well, no need to keep the sandman waiting.
RADAR
(Countering) Hey, that's not true, Hawkeye. You've got a perfectly good issue of Nudist's Quarterly in there.
Trapper sits up, curious to see Hawkeye's new magazine.
HAWKEYE
(Leafing through with disinterest) It's just the same old, same old with them. Nude golf, nude tennis, nude volleyball… I've had about all I can take of the human form. Mangled, mutilated, wounded… Even nakedness is getting tiresome. (To Trapper) Can you believe I'm saying that? There's just nothing to do around here!
He throws the magazine at the door in disgust, which falls to Radar's feet, just as Major Burns walks in from the shower.
BURNS
(Yelling) Pierce, what's the meaning of this?! (Picking up the magazine from the ground) It's not enough that you subscribe to this filth, but you have to try and force it on others as well?
HAWKEYE
Come on, Frank, we both know that Radar's got to eventually learn about the birds and the bees. Part of being a good doctor is showing the young and impressionable how to play doctor.
Trapper snickers as Radar blushes.
BURNS
McIntyre! You keep your grins to yourself, (looking at Radar) and Corporal, you ought to know better. Now get out of Officer's Country before I put you on KP duty with Privates Straminsky and Goldman!
TRAPPER
(Jokingly) That's not much of a threat, Frank. One look through that magazine and he'll probably love the idea of being surrounded by a bunch of privates!
Hawkeye laughs uncontrollably. Radar leaves nervously. Frank ignores both doctors and walks towards the mirror, situated centre tent, where he starts shaving and combing his hair.
HAWKEYE
(Curiously) Who are you getting all gussied up for, Frank? Planning to finally make a move on MacArthur tonight? I hear he's been sending you all the right artillery signals.
Frank throws his arms down angrily.
BURNS
Hardy har, Captain Court-Martial. Not that it's any of your business, but as it just so happens, I'm meeting with Major Houlihan tonight… (realizing his indiscreet reveal of his plans) to discuss the latest duty roster. She's asked for my input and I plan to be as thorough as possible.
TRAPPER
(Winking at Hawkeye) I'm sure. That oughta be some input, Frank. Gee, Hawk, wish we had a couple of nurses to look over the duty roster with later.
BURNS
Oh, pull your mind up from your bootstraps, McIntyre. Don't you two have anything better to do than swill gin and bother your second-in-command?
HAWKEYE
The only thing you're second-in-command of around here is dishing out Purple Hearts.
TRAPPER
(Agreeing) And I hear you're gaining on North Korea mighty quick, Frank.
Frank just shakes his head in bewilderment.
HAWKEYE
Besides, Frank, the nurses around here are… (looking to Trapper for inspiration)
TRAPPER
Old hat? Played out? Well-worn?
HAWKEYE
All of the above and then some. And boring right down to the combat boots, just like everything else around here. Who are we kidding? We're just going through the motions at this point, and even that's getting tiresome.
A pair of nurses walk past the tent and Trapper hangs his head in dismay.
TRAPPER
Who'd have thought? This is like a bad dream.
HAWKEYE
(Continuing) When I look at the nurses I can't see their buxom bodies for their olive drab, khaki uniforms. I can't see the nurses for the M*A*S*H, I can't see…
BURNS
(Interrupting) Enough! You think I care to hear about the mess you've both made for yourselves by your own promiscuity. I'm a happily married man. Tell it to the next guy, both of you.
HAWKEYE
Believe me, there's no next guy, Frank. If we're unloading our troubles to you then we've already hit rock bottom.
TRAPPER
Yeah, and a trap door opened.
BURNS
(Storming out of the tent) You both sicken me!
Trapper looks at Hawkeye in amusement.
TRAPPER
Gee, what's eating him?
HAWKEYE
He's probably just itching to sink his teeth into that duty roster with Hot Lips, which is more than I can say for the two of us.
INT. MESS TENT - LATER
Klinger is wearing a dress and serving food to camp personnel. Blake and Radar are receiving their meals. Radar is eagerly taking everything offered to him, while Blake is steadily putting all of his food right back into the assorted steel compartments.
KLINGER
(Noticing Blake's disinterest in the food) I would've thought my Scarlett O'Hara outfit would whet your appetite, Sir.
BLAKE
I'm afraid you're only making my appetite bone dry, Klinger. (Looking disgusted at Radar's massive tray) Why do you eat this stuff, Radar?
RADAR
(Defensively) I'm a growing Corporal, sir.
BLAKE
(Emphasizing his point) So why do you eat this stuff, Radar?
Blake and Radar sit at a nearby table. Hawkeye and Trapper walk in, grab their trays, and approach Klinger.
HAWKEYE
(Impressed at Klinger's dress) Looking good, Klinger!
KLINGER
(Smiling broadly) Finally, some appreciative customers. What'll you have, oh, famished healers.
TRAPPER
(Pointing at an item) I'll just grab the meatloaf, Klinger.
HAWKEYE
Before it grabs you! It's eat or be eaten with this grub.
Klinger fixes Trapper's tray and looks to Hawkeye.
KLINGER
What about you, Captain? Care to take a walk on the wild side?
Hawkeye lights up at the thought of trying something completely new.
HAWKEYE
(Pounding his fist on the counter) You're brilliant, Klinger, that's just what I need! Something exotic, something new. Fix me a mystery tray.
Trapper groans with nausea.
KLINGER
(Playing along) We've got mystery and intrigue for you in spades, Captain! In fact, there might even be a spade somewhere in the tuna casserole. (Trailing off) Or maybe that was just a trowel.
Hawkeye turns his back as Klinger dishes up his food.
KLINGER
(Unveiling his creation) Voila! I give you, the 'appetite for reconstruction', perfect for the hungry surgeon.
TRAPPER
(Jokingly) More like the 'appetite for combustion'. That thing looks like it could go up in flames any minute!
HAWKEYE
Perfect, Klinger, you're a godsend. I'm sure whatever this is it'll be better than the usual cruspects.
Klinger smiles with approval. Hawkeye and Trapper sit down with Blake and Radar. Hawkeye and Trapper are just about to begin eating when Radar stands, listening to a sound in the distance.
HAWKEYE
(Fearful of Radar's body language) Oh no, not again!
RADAR
(Ignoring Hawkeye) Choppers! Incoming wounded!
Radar runs outside to begin alerting the camp. Blake stands with fatigue and stretches his tired back.
BLAKE
Oh, well, boys, it's show time.
Hawkeye looks dejected, and tries to take one bite out of his food, but Trapper quickly pulls his fork away.
TRAPPER
Come on, Hawk, this is our meal ticket away from another lousy meal.
EXT. TRIAGE - CONTINUOUS
Frank, Hawkeye, Blake, and Trapper run to the chopper pad and begin performing triage on the wounded. Major Margaret Houlihan and several of her nurses are there to assist them.
HAWKEYE
(Looking over a badly hurt soldier) This one's been hit bad in the chest. Might be a punctured lung. I'll take him first.
MARGARET
Yes, doctor.
BLAKE
(Keeping a watchful eye on Frank) What have you got there, Frank?
BURNS
(Clearly Stressed) Nasty leg wound. Might need to amputate.
BLAKE
(To Trapper) McIntyre, can you handle this one? (Pointing to a less intensive case) Frank, that private over there took some shrapnel in his left arm. Get in there and patch him up. McIntyre can take care of the leg.
BURNS
(Angrily) What, you think I can't save his leg?
BLAKE
(Sighing) That's not what I said. Come on, Frank, we don't have time for this.
TRAPPER
Yeah, Frank, we're all tired. Let's just do our job so we can log 10 minutes of shuteye before the intermission ends and we're right back here doing this all over again.
Frank reluctantly relents and he, Blake, and Trapper load up their patients into a waiting ambulance. The vehicle drives off towards the camp.
INT. PRE-OP – CONTINUOUS
The doctors scrub up for surgery with the assistance of Margaret.
BLAKE
Looks like just a handful today. I'll get you boys out of here in time for supper.
HAWKEYE
(Jokingly) Gee, thanks dad!
TRAPPER
Now if only we had something to do after supper that didn't involve twiddling our thumbs and watching paint dry.
HAWKEYE
I'd settle for twiddling my thumbs, but they quit my hands weeks ago. They couldn't (emphasizing the pun) handle the boredom anymore!
BURNS
(Not amused) Hardy-har-har. When will you two wisenheimers grow up and realize there's more to life than inane antics and silly shenanigans?
Margaret nods with approval at Frank's comment.
TRAPPER
(Impressed) Not bad, Frank, that was almost witty!
HAWKEYE
The soul of a poet and the hands of a jackhammer.
Frank glares and sticks his tongue out at them through his surgical mask.
BLAKE
(Kicking the door to the Operating Room Open) Okay, let's get this over with.
The surgeons and Margaret walk into the Operating Room.
INT. OPERATING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Klinger, Radar, and Father Mulcahy are seen carrying stretchers of wounded into the Operating Room. Nurses and the doctors are busily working.
TRAPPER
I'll take that one, Father.
MULCAHY
Sure, Trapper. Is there anything I can do?
TRAPPER
Pray for his leg.
Father Mulcahy begins making a silent prayer as Trapper begins the operation. Hawkeye is sweating as he works aggressively on the soldier with the wounded chest, which catches the attention of Blake.
BLAKE
(Concerned) How's it looking, Hawkeye?
HAWKEYE
Better, Henry. He'll make it. (To Margaret) Can you finish for me, Major?
MARGARET
Yes, doctor.
Margaret closes the wound. Hawkeye walks over to check on Trapper.
HAWKEYE
Can you save the leg, Trap?
TRAPPER
I think so. Looks like there's enough of the artery left. Got a hand?
Hawkeye helps Trapper apply a graft to the artery and save the soldier's leg. Both doctors sigh with relief. Meanwhile, Frank is in a panic over his patient.
BURNS
(Yelling) Clamp! I said, clamp, nurse!
NURSE
(Biting her lip with frustration) You're holding the clamp, doctor.
BURNS
(Realizing his mistake, but not backing down) Don't talk back to me, Lieutenant!
BLAKE
That's enough, Frank. Just take your time with those shell fragments. It's nothing life threatening, so why get in a huff over it?
Frank mumbles something to himself and goes back to work. Hawkeye and Trapper are closing up the leg wound, having successfully completed the operation.
TRAPPER
(Happily) Hey, hey! I just saved myself a leg.
MULCAHY
(Smiling broadly) Congratulations, Trapper!
TRAPPER
Thanks, Father!
HAWKEYE
Well, that's one more limb that'll stay where it rightfully belongs.
BLAKE
Good work, McIntyre. Now let's finish up.
INT. POST-OP – CONTINUOUS
The doctors are sitting on a bench resting up after their session in surgery. They peel off their surgical gowns and gloves then throw them into a large laundry hamper.
BLAKE
Well, I'd say that wasn't a bad day's work.
HAWKEYE
Now if only we had some fun around here. Can't you do something about that, Henry?
TRAPPER
Yeah, we've watched The Big Sleep every night for the past two weeks. At this point I'm about ready to take the big sleep.
BURNS
(Irritated) Pathetic. I'm sick of your griping! Don't you get any satisfaction from the hard work and patriotic sacrifice that comes with giving to your country in its time of need?
HAWKEYE
Right now all the apple pies and American flags in the world wouldn't even come close to making up for what I've put up with in this place. And listen, Frank, we don't all have a bombshell like Hot Lips to tuck us in every night and convince us that the bombs outside are just a bunch of fireworks for the Fourth of July.
BURNS
(Screaming and throwing his surgical gown on the floor) That's enough! Don't you dare call her that! (Calming down) Anyhooch, you're mistaken, the major and I are just friends.
TRAPPER
(Sceptical) Sure, Frank, friends. You two lovebirds could turn the secret sleepover into an Olympic sport!
Frank blushes, then rushes over to try and hit Trapper. Blake gets between them and stops a fight.
BLAKE,
(Holding Frank back) Okay, okay! Cool it, everybody. I know we're all bored, stressed, and tired, but there's not much I can do about that. I'm at the mercy of whatever entertainment supply sends over to us. Radar's working his little buns off trying to get us some new movies, but give him a break, will ya?
The other doctors begin to relax. Frank and Trapper step away from each other. Hawkeye and Trapper still look rather despondent, though.
BLAKE
(Pointing at the two doctors) Don't give me that look, Pierce… McIntyre. (Throwing his arms) All right, would you settle for a poker game tomorrow night? Maybe by then Radar'll have a lead on some new films.
TRAPPER
(Clapping his hands together) Now that's more like it!
HAWKEYE
(Rushing over to kiss Henry on the cheek) Henry, it'd be an honour to take your money.
BLAKE
(Sighing) That's what I was afraid of.
FADE OUT.
ACT TWO
INT. RADAR'S OFFICE - LATER
Radar is seen getting ready for bed and about to tuck himself in with his teddy bear when the camp phone rings. He rushes over to answer the telephone.
RADAR
(Tired) M*A*S*H 4077.
The voice on the other end is inaudible. But Radar listens intently and looks visibly excited.
RADAR
Gee, really? (Putting his hand over his mouth in surprise) No, come on! Of course I can keep a secret. I'll let Colonel Blake know right away.
Radar hangs up the phone and immediately rushes outside in his bathrobe.
EXT. CAMP – CONTINUOUS
Radar is seen running across the compound.
INT. COLONEL BLAKE'S TENT – CONTINUOUS
Radar gingerly opens the door and lightly taps Blake in an effort to wake him.
RADAR
(Whispering) Colonel, Sir. Are you awake?
BLAKE
(Sleepily) Not unless you're a juicy redhead of the female persuasion.
RADAR
It's urgent, sir. I need to tell you about something.
BLAKE
(Angrily) Well, then spill the beans, Radar!
RADAR
I can't, sir. Your tent is being bugged and I was sworn to secrecy.
BLAKE
What?! Who's responsible, Radar?
Blake rips off his sleeping mask and looks over at Radar, who begins to blush, betraying the guilty parties.
BLAKE
(Biting his lip) Pierce and/or McIntyre. Okay, we'll go to my office.
Blake puts on a robe and they exit his tent together.
INT. COLONEL BLAKE'S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Blake pours himself a drink and sits down behind his desk.
BLAKE
Okay, Radar, let's have it. What's the word? Did the army finally decide to put Frank on trial for crimes against humanity?
Radar looks around suspiciously and then leans across the desk to tell Blake.
RADAR
(Quietly) Bob Hope is visiting us.
Blake falls over backwards in his chair in shock. He scrambles back up.
BLAKE
(Loudly) Bob Hope the comedian?
Radar shushes him and nods.
BLAKE
(Whispering) When? And good heavens, what for?
RADAR
The day after tomorrow. Because we have the best efficiency record among all the M*A*S*H units, and because of all the casualties we've been dealing with lately. It's supposed to be a surprise.
BLAKE
(Pounding his desk in excitement) Well, ain't that just the ticket, Radar?! This is just what we need! Finally, a bit of excitement after all our hard work.
Radar smiles in agreement.
BLAKE
(Cautioning Radar) Now listen, Radar. You are not to tell anybody about this. We keep this news to ourselves right up until the big moment. Is that clear?
RADAR
Yes, sir.
BLAKE
(Rubbing his hands together happily) Can you believe it, Radar? With Bob Hope and tomorrow night's poker game, it's beginning to look like a regular Mardi Gras over here!
Blake finishes his drink as the camera punches in for a close-up of him grinning.
INT. SUPPLY TENT – EVENING
Blake, Klinger, and Father Mulcahy are seated at a large table in the centre of the room. Blake is preparing to deal and putting together stacks of chips for the various players. Hawkeye and Trapper walk in and notice Radar just about to sit down. Trapper grabs Radar and pulls him aside. Blake looks over at them suspiciously.
TRAPPER
(Threateningly grabbing Radar by the collar) Spill it, Radar…
Radar begins to shake and sweat nervously.
RADAR
(Obviously lying) Gee, I don't know what you're talking about.
TRAPPER
(Pointing at him angrily) You're lying!
RADAR
(Shrieking in fear) How do you know?
HAWKEYE
You thought it was just his tent? Who do you think you're dealing with? We've had the Colonel's office bugged for months.
Blake stands angrily and confronts Hawkeye and Trapper.
BLAKE
Hey! You've both got some nerve!
RADAR
Yeah! (Curious) Then how come you don't know the whole story?
HAWKEYE
Have you ever tried getting a fly on the wall to follow instructions? He eats his way through $3 in perfectly good crumbs and all he did was put a hole in my uniform.
Blake rolls his eyes, realizing that the comment about his office was a complete joke.
HAWKEYE
(Acting seriously) Come on, Radar. We know you're hiding good news from us. Now we can either do this the hard way, or the nurse's annual physical way.
Radar instantly seems interested.
RADAR
What, really?
HAWKEYE
(Sounding like a used car salesman) Chest and waist sizes, sexual partners, reproductive history, you name it, we've got you covered. (Putting his hand on Radar's shoulder) All you've got to do is tell us what we can look forward to later this week.
TRAPPER
(Desperately) We're dying here, Radar. I've started fantasizing about making love to my wife again.
Radar looks like he's about to crack when Blake steps in.
BLAKE
(Authoritatively) Pierce, McIntyre, stand down.
Hawkeye and Trapper take a step away.
BLAKE
Look, I've been sworn to secrecy on this, but I know that you've both been working your insubordinate little heinies off, so I'll make you a deal: if one of you wins this poker game I'll give you the straight poop.
HAWKEYE
And nothing but the poop?
BLAKE
(Putting his hand up to swear an oath) So help me God.
Hawkeye and Trapper sit down in anticipation.
TRAPPER
(Excitedly) Okay, let's go, Henry!
HAWKEYE
(Gleefully) This is going to be like taking candy from a colonel!
BLAKE
(Confidently) Don't count your winnings just yet, Pierce. I hear it's open season on cocky Captains this time of year.
INT. SUPPLY TENT – LATER
The game is just wrapping up after hours of poker with Hawkeye and Blake being the only remaining players. Trapper is cheering Hawkeye on while Klinger and Radar both sleep fitfully on the table. Hawkeye carelessly throws several bills into a massive pile in the middle of the table. Father Mulcahy is gathering the remnants of his money and preparing to leave.
MULCAHY
(Rising to leave) I better call it a night if I'm to save any money for Sister Theresa's Orphanage. So long, everyone.
The rest of the group mumble their farewells to Father Mulcahy without casting him another glance.
HAWKEYE
Raise. $50.
BLAKE
(Protesting) That's more than the rest of the money I brought!
HAWKEYE
(Calmly) Well, then we'll make it the last hand. Good news comes to those who wait, but we've waited long enough, Henry.
Blake looks at his cards and mulls his decision over.
BLAKE
You drive a tough bargain, Pierce. But this time you're bluffing. Call.
Blake confidently matches Hawkeye's bet. He turns over his cards and announces his hand, fully expecting victory.
BLAKE
(Smiling confidently) Straight.
Hawkeye and Trapper look devastated for a moment, but they are merely joking. Hawkeye slowly reveals his hand – a full house, jacks over aces.
HAWKEYE
Sorry, Henry. Full house.
Blake looks shocked, his cigar falling from his mouth, then throws his cards down with contempt. Hawkeye and Trapper begin to laugh hysterically with excitement. The noise awakens both Klinger and Radar, who gradually become interested when they realize what has happened.
BLAKE
Full house! You'd have to walk through a minefield to dig up cards like that in Korea!
TRAPPER
(Slapping Hawkeye's shoulders) They don't call him the Uijeongbu shark for nothing!
BLAKE
(Bitterly) We're landlocked here, McIntyre, there's no sharks. Get your facts straight.
HAWKEYE
He will, as soon as you tell us the big story!
Blake shakes his head, still in dismay at his loss. He finally composes himself to reveal the good news.
BLAKE
All right, you won, and a deal's a deal. The good news is that we're getting a visitor tomorrow morning at 1100 hours, in recognition of our hard work over the past month and our great record of patching up the wounded.
TRAPPER
Who is it, Henry? (Teasing) Must be somebody big if the army didn't want you to tell anybody.
BLAKE
(Sighing) Don't remind me.
RADAR
(Excitedly) It's Bob Hope!
Hawkeye and Trapper look mystified. Blake looks irritated that Radar has stolen his thunder in making the announcement.
HAWKEYE
(Stunned) The Bob Hope?
BLAKE
The one and only. Mr. USO himself, the laugh riot of the links. I received the bulletins myself. It's definitely true.
Suddenly the room erupts with loud cheering from Hawkeye, Trapper, and Klinger. Radar quickly joins in too. Blake tries to shush them all quiet.
BLAKE
(Urgently) Remember this is supposed to be a secret. I don't want the entire camp in a frenzy over it.
TRAPPER
You can trust us, Henry. (Holding his hand up) Scout's honour.
BLAKE
(Doubtfully) When were you in the Boy Scouts, McIntyre?
HAWKEYE
(Standing and gazing to the heavens for inspiration) Right you are, Henry. For a secret so crucial to morale around here we'll have to swear on a fellowship more righteous than the cloth, and more noble than the scalpel.
BLAKE
Such as?
HAWKEYE
(Digging a credit card out of his pocket) Will you accept Diner's Club?
Blake holds his head in his hands.
FADE OUT.
ACT THREE
INT. OFFICER'S CLUB – CONTINUOUS
Hawkeye and Trapper have clearly revealed the news of Bob Hope's visit to the rest of the unit, as many members of the camp's staff are gathered in the Officer's Club in celebration. Music plays loudly on the jukebox. Hawkeye and Trapper are both dancing with pretty nurses. Radar looks nervous and timidly sips a Grape Nehi, knowing that Blake was hoping to keep the arrival of Bob Hope a surprise.
HAWKEYE
(To his dancing partner) You know I used to crack a few jokes myself back in college.
NURSE
(Sarcastically) I'll bet.
HAWKEYE
No, seriously. I used to perform at an open mic night every week to help pay my tuition.
NURSE
(Jokingly) Really? How'd you ever manage to graduate?
HAWKEYE
(Shaking his head) Everyone's a comedian.
Hawkeye makes his move and begins kissing his dance partner. Blake walks in and instantly realizes that the secret is out. He storms towards Radar.
BLAKE
(Angrily) Who's responsible for this Radar, or do I even have to ask?
Radar stammers nervously.
BLAKE
Pierce and/or McIntyre.
Blake walks towards Hawkeye and firmly taps him on the shoulder. Hawkeye casually turns around and offers a beer to Blake.
HAWKEYE
(Happily) Henry! Join the party!
BLAKE
(Angrily) Pierce, what is the meaning of this? You knew this was supposed to be our little secret. Do you know what this is going to mean tomorrow if ICORPS finds out the whole camp knew of Bob Hope's visit in advance?
Trapper joins the conversation to protect Hawkeye.
TRAPPER
(Trying to mollify Blake) Come on, Henry, everyone here's been just as under the gun as us the past few weeks. It's not fair to keep this a secret. They need this just as much as we do. You can't take that away from them.
HAWKEYE
We just wanted everyone to share in the good news, and get to blow off a little steam with us.
Blake's attitude gradually changes, and he becomes far more sympathetic and understanding.
BLAKE
(Feeling guilty) All right, all right, gee, you boys sure know how to make your CO feel like a downright party pooper. But listen, tomorrow morning when the entire camp's gathered around waiting for our mystery guest, you better tell everyone to act mighty surprised when Bob Hope strolls out.
HAWKEYE
You got it, Henry. I can never say no to the puppy dog eyes of a lieutenant colonel.
BLAKE
(Snatching the beer away from Pierce) In that case, I'll have that drink now.
TRAPPER
Hey! Hey! That's the spirit!
The doctors return to their partying antics. Major Burns suddenly walks in, scowls at the sight of everyone enjoying themselves, and then approaches Pierce.
BURNS
(Suspiciously) It's the middle of the night, Pierce! Have you no shame? I order you to shut down this cheap speakeasy!
Pierce refuses to turn around and simply points in the direction of Blake, indicating that the party has the approval of the camp's commanding officer. Frank backs off slightly, but is still curious as to what is going on.
BURNS
(Dying to know more) Well, at least tell me the occasion…
HAWKEYE
(Finally turning around to face him) Bob Hope's visiting us tomorrow, Frank. Apparently ICORPS figured even a comedian could operate better than you. They heard he can do quite the appendectomy with a three wood, and you wouldn't believe what that sand wedge is capable of…
BURNS
(Cutting him off) That's rich, Pierce. Almost as comical as the idea of this camp needing more silliness to wash down all your gross insubordination and casual disrespect for your (pointing at his garb) country's uniform. (Holding his belt with authority) Why couldn't ICORPS send us a real leader? Somebody with a true story to tell, like MacArthur, or Truman?
Hawkeye, now upset, leaves the nurse he was dancing with and confronts Frank.
HAWKEYE
(Yelling) Maybe because we've been swimming in enough death around here without having to be brought face to face with those who delivered it right to our doorstep!
BURNS
(Patting his sidearm) It's no laughing matter keeping the world safe from the red menace, bub.
Hawkeye rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling. Trapper approaches to try and calm both men down.
TRAPPER
(Patting Frank on the shoulder) This is tense, even for you, Frank. Where's Hot Lips?
Without thinking, Frank quickly responds.
BURNS
Still on duty! (Realizing his indiscretion) What does that matter, though? It's not like I care whether or not she's on duty. We're just friends! (Looking at both doctors in rage) Why you, you nosy creeps! Stay out of my business!
Frank storms off as Hawkeye and Trapper both laugh at his expense.
INT. – MAJOR HOULIHAN'S TENT – CONTINUOUS
Frank enters Margaret's tent. She has just returned from duty and is putting several items of clothing away. Frank rushes forward to embrace her.
BURNS
(Relieved to see her) Oh, Margaret!
MARGARET
(Impatiently) Easy, Frank. I've had a long day and I've got a headache. Could you get me two Aspirin from my nightstand?
Frank pouts but walks over to retrieve the medicine. He hands the bottle of Aspirin to her.
BURNS
(Angrily) Just what I needed! You don't know the day I'm having, Margaret.
MARGARET
(Concerned) Why? What's wrong, Frank?
BURNS
All this talk of Bob Hope performing. Why do we need some dime store laugh factory to stop by and interrupt the serious work that we do around here? (Adding for effect) Doesn't he know there's a war on! All he's going to do is encourage more slackers to follow in the footsteps of Pierce and McIntyre along the indecent path to insubordination.
MARGARET
(Surprised) Is that really how you feel, Frank? I happen to think that the camp could use a bit of a pick-me-up, especially given all the fighting that's been going on. Why, I don't think any of us has had a day off in weeks! You must feel the same way, right, Frank?
BURNS
(Pretending he was joking) Of course, Margaret! I was only kidding! You're right, this is exactly what we all need right now.
She looks relieved and smiles broadly.
BURNS
(Bragging) You know, I used to be a bit of a comedian myself, Margaret.
MARGARET
(Impressed) Really, Frank?
BURNS
At Fort Benning I was voted 'Company Clown', and the CO even called me the funniest officer he'd ever met, (mumbling) although I think he might have been talking about my appearance. (Putting his leg up on Margaret's bed) Why, there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for a chuckle back in those hazy, crazy training days. I even once dropped a grenade into the latrine just for kicks (trailing off), mind you, that was an accident… but the whole camp was so hysterical over that one that they chased me for hours over it, just to try and congratulate me. But I told them that I preferred not to bask in the warm glow of the spotlight, which is why I kept running away from them.
MARGARET
(Impressed) Oh, Frank! Is there anything you can't do?
BURNS
(Arrogantly) If there is, I haven't found it yet, but the point is, tomorrow morning during Bob Hope's visit, I'm going to finally prove to this entire M*A*S*H unit just how funny I really am.
MARGARET
(Excitedly) I can't wait!
Margaret and Frank kiss passionately and fall on her bed.
FADE OUT.
ACT FOUR
EXT. CAMP - MORNING
The entire camp is gathered around a makeshift stage with banners strewn up along it, and American, South Korean, and United Nations flags setup nearby. The staff has clearly been waiting for a considerable amount of time already, as several people are impatiently glancing at their watches. Radar suddenly emerges from his office and sprints across the compound to Blake, who is pacing anxiously.
BLAKE
What's the deal, Radar? (Whispering) He didn't cancel on us, did he?
RADAR
(Whispering as well) No, sir, he's just been delayed. The enemy somehow learned of his visit and threatened to (reading a notice slowly) 'Replace your Imperialist laughter with the tears of the mournful, while we enjoy a comradely socialist chuckle at your expense.'
Blake seizes the note and holds it to Radar angrily.
BLAKE
Is this really what passes for comedy in North Korea? Imagine the nerve of trying to assassinate somebody like Bob Hope! Well, how much longer is he gonna be, Radar?
RADAR
Not long, sir. Security is taking a bit longer scouting the road ahead of his convoy.
BLAKE
Okay, thanks, Radar. I guess I better tell the camp what's going on.
Blake walks up the stage and instantly receives a chorus of teasing boos. He smiles and motions to have the camp quiet down to receive his address. Nobody falls silent until Hawkeye rises from the crowd and makes the exact same motion himself. Blake glares at Hawkeye.
BLAKE
(Smiling to soften the blow) I've just received news that our 'special guest' has been delayed a little bit longer.
The booing resumes at a louder pitch.
BLAKE
I want to thank you all for your patience. Now if you just sit tight we'll get the show underway as soon as our 'special guest' gets here.
The booing continues as Blake walks off stage. A few tomatoes are thrown and narrowly miss him. Major Frank Burns appears out of nowhere and commandeers the microphone before anybody can stop him. In the audience, Margaret claps eagerly and grins towards him.
BURNS
(In a tacky comedic voice) All right, ladies and germs, I hope you're ready for the show of a wartime. Are you ready to laugh?
Frank holds the microphone out in expectation of a response, but the camp is just confused as to why he has taken the stage. Hawkeye and Trapper are both laughing with anticipation.
BURNS
(Soldiering on) Let me tell you about these two bozos I work with, Pierce and McIntyre.
The audience cheers in recognition of the two doctors.
TRAPPER
(Looking to Hawkeye) Hey, that's us!
BURNS
(Sarcastically) Yeah, real hotshot doctors, those two.
BURNS
These clowns are so insubordinate…
RADAR
(Playing along from the back of the crowd) How insubordinate are they?
BURNS
Well, let's just say that if they'd been in the army during the Revolutionary War, they would've been flogged more times than we've carpet bombed Pyongyang!
The audience barely responds to the joke. A dog is heard barking across the compound. Hawkeye and Trapper both snicker in bemusement. Frank looks around awkwardly, but smiles when he finds Margaret laughing loudly to herself.
BURNS
And you know, the funniest part is, if I were to try and perform my rightful, patriotic duty and flog these two glorified beatniks, I'd be the one who'd get court-martialed!
Again, the audience simply does not take kindly to Frank's sense of humour. Blake is seen holding his head in embarrassment. A few boos can be heard amid the silence. Hawkeye and Trapper snicker to themselves after noticing Margaret's loud laughter in support of Frank, who is looking around sheepishly, not knowing how to proceed.
TRAPPER
(To Hawkeye) That's dirty pool, attacking us at our own game like that. We don't go around committing malpractice, so why does he have to usurp our monopoly on the funny bone in this camp? You know what this means, right?
HAWKEYE
(Deadpan) War! The surgical glove gauntlet has been thrown down.
TRAPPER
(Jokingly) Along with Frank's dignity and just about every jaw in this place. (Turning serious) You better get up there and defend our honour.
Hawkeye nods in agreement. He rises and proceeds to walk onto the stage. Frank reacts with childish rage.
BURNS
(Yelling) Hey! You can't come up here! This is my show!
Margaret stands and begins shouting as well.
MARGARET
(Shouting) Don't let him do this to you, Frank, you outrank him! (Turning to Colonel Blake) Colonel, you can't let him get away with this!
Blake shrugs, refusing to intervene.
BLAKE
As far as I'm concerned, the uniforms come off on that stage, Major. My hands are tied.
Margaret shrieks with rage and sits down. Hawkeye just motions to Frank, indicating that he wants the microphone. Frank reluctantly hands it over to Hawkeye. Frank slowly exits the stage in shame.
HAWKEYE
(Clapping his hands) Give it up for Major Frank Burns everybody! Come on, let's hear it!
With a bit of encouragement the camp begins applauding him. Frank cracks a smile and takes his seat.
HAWKEYE
No, I mean it. It takes a lot of nerve to come up here and do what Frank did, but I'd be a fool not to respond to his brash insults, so long as I have your attention. (To the audience) Do you want to hear that?
The crowd applauds wildly.
HAWKEYE
All right, then let's get started. Frank Burns is so incompetent…
RADAR
(Playing along) How incompetent is he?
Margaret turns around in her seat to scowl at Radar, who looks down fearfully.
HAWKEYE
(Continuing) For over a year now, he's been on the North Korean payroll for putting so many American GIs in the hospital, and he doesn't even now it.
The audience cracks up instantly with laughter and clapping. Frank blushes for a moment, but soon joins in the fun.
HAWKEYE
Apparently Kim Il-Sung just doesn't know where to address the checks.
The laughter persists until Hawkeye begins the next joke.
HAWKEYE
But all kidding aside, he's the most patriotic guy I know. Frank Burns is so patriotic…
RADAR
(Cupping his mouth) How patriotic is he?
HAWKEYE
Frank Burns is so patriotic that he put down his dog just for giving the American flag the stink eye.
The crowd bursts into laughter and applause again. Radar looks worried about the imaginary fate of Frank's old dog.
RADAR
(Terrified) That poor dog!
A convoy of jeeps suddenly interrupts Hawkeye's performance. The applause continues, however, when the camp recognizes Bob Hope in one of the vehicles. The convoy gradually comes to a stop while the cheering simply gets louder. Hawkeye joins in the applause. Bob Hope is seen stepping out of his jeep, holding a golf club. He waves to the camp happily, and walks towards the stage.
HAWKEYE
(Introducing him) Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable, Bob Hope!
Bob Hope steps onto the stage and shakes Hawkeye's hand. Hawkeye looks star-struck, but manages a sincere smile, before walking off the stage to take his seat.
TRAPPER
(Congratulating Hawkeye) Not a bad effort, Hawk, but Frank got saved by the bell. You gotta deliver the knockout punch next time.
HAWKEYE
(Still in shock) I can't believe it's really him. Bob Hope, at the 4077!
Bob Hope swings his golf club playfully before launching into his material.
BOB HOPE
(Gratefully) Thanks so much for your patience, everyone. It really means a lot to me. I know my visit was supposed to be a surprise, but the North Koreans sort of put a damper on that one. From what I gather they were hoping to assassinate me on this trip out to see you wonderful people. (The audience boos loudly) I guess I have my critics everywhere.
The staff laugh and clap loudly in support.
BOB HOPE
But seriously, I'm here because of all of you, and your terrific record in treating the wounded who come through your camp, many of whom wouldn't have made it out of here alive without you. For your tireless efforts in challenging circumstances, the Army can never thank you enough. You selflessly save lives here every day, and for that, I just want to convey to you the gratitude of not just ICORPS, but also yours truly.
The cheering becomes almost deafening.
BOB HOPE
And I know you've been away from your loved ones for a very long time now, all of whom must miss you tremendously. Now I can't bring you back to your families any sooner, but I want you to know that the work you do here really means something, and will surely never be forgotten, not by the United States Army, not by our South Korean allies, not by the United Nations, (pointing to himself) and certainly not by yours truly!
The crowd looks sad at the thought of their families back home, but cheers his remarks regardless.
BOB HOPE
(Trying to bring back the audience's spirits) All right, now let's have some fun!
The camp finally settles down to enjoy Bob Hope's act.
BOB HOPE
Now how about that President Truman? I hear he might not be running for president again next year. But that shouldn't be any surprise. In 1948 he won by such a narrow margin he might not have made it if Bess hadn't voted for him.
The joke receives laughter and a round of applause.
BOB HOPE
I like President Truman, though, aside from the fact that he rules the country with an iron fist – the same way he plays the piano.
The camp laughs with amusement.
BOB HOPE
Have you heard Senator McCarthy's at it again? I have it on good authority that he's about to disclose the names of over two million Communists. He just got his hands on the Moscow telephone directory.
The camp erupts with laugher.
BOB HOPE
Rumour is that General Eisenhower is thinking of making a presidential bid, though.
The camp enthusiastically cheers at the news.
BOB HOPE
But I happen to know why he's running for president. It's the only way he can get out of the army!
The audience cheers enthusiastically.
HAWKEYE
(To Trapper) That's a brilliant plan!
BOB HOPE
(Holding the golf club to show the audience) He's not much fun to play a round of golf with, though. It's hard to play with a guy who rattles his medals while you're putting.
The staff responds happily with thunderous applause.
HAWKEYE
(Trapper) Why didn't I think of that?
TRAPPER
(Shooting his idea down) You don't have any medals.
BOB HOPE
I'm afraid he's not much of a golfer, either. Why, the last time I played golf with General Eisenhower he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark…
Almost the entire camp laughs wildly, but Colonel Blake particularly enjoys the joke.
BOB HOPE
(Pointing to Colonel Blake from the stage) Now I've heard that your Commanding Officer, Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake…
The camp explodes with boisterous cheering in recognition of their leader. Blake blushes nervously, and points to himself in confusion.
BOB HOPE
I've heard that Colonel Blake is also a bit of a golfing aficionado.
Bob Hope has to wait for all the applause to quiet down before continuing the joke.
BOB HOPE
But from what I gather he's still got a long way to go in perfecting his game. Why, the other day I heard from General Hammond that you never have to ask Colonel Blake's score after playing golf with him – all you have to do is count the casualties!
Wild laughter consumes the audience, especially among Hawkeye and Trapper, who are both laughing hysterically. The camera punches in on Colonel Blake, who is laughing politely, but looks rather embarrassed.
FADE OUT.
THE END