"Last Moments"
It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday
seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up. It was
the third time she came up to see me that week. I carried her excuse of why
she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven.
She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend had
dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and
fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.

I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't come see me anymore," and stuff
like how we shouldn't be together.
She said, "I miss you."
I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home."
She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted to share mine.
I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."

Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She
said she hadn't eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place
to eat.

Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"
Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station, she said she
would take the train back home.

Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and
suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by.
We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently. Being together for so
long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when
she came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like
this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her
stay for the night.

But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, "Let's go try the other
train station."

We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then
there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner
together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a
family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only girl
of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living
together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After she
graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish
school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her
on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured
relationship.

We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was
right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a
wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she
was too into thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she
almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take her in my arms,
but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, I did
nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we use to always go.

She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I
promise I'll go home right after this."

With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face
and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I
wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for
something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a
silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, "Chris and
Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope
Chris and Susan would always remember this day, always loving each other,
forever." She was looking around for quite a while, then she came back
slowly with tears on her face.

She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."
I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart,
the kind of pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I
didn't care, and said, "Can we go now?"
I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn't want
to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You made up the
story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you
sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?"

I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just
kept on walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to each other.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it
was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal
life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about the
cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my
stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me
again. First I thought the pain would go away, but it grew stronger until
to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and
took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which
proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most
glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and
the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to
commit suicide. But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions,
especially Susan, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still
doesn't know about the truth. Susan was still young, she shouldn't have to
go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel
thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out
three years's feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon start
to loose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I'm close to
succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would
all come to an end that was what I had in mind.

The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just
standing there, waiting, losing our last moments in silence.

I saw the taxi from far away; I held my tears and said to her, "Take care of
yourself, take good care of yourself."

She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped
umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two
single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened
the door for her and she got in, then I close the gate that would separate
me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the
first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car
started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the
twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi,
because I knew, this would be the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her
I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so
much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling
down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of
the rain. I was cold inside.

She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I
know she didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I
left without regrets. But I'm not Chris, I'm that girl Susan, using my
memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down
these last words.