Its been a week since my failed suicide attempt. I'm feeling alright. My life hasn't changed drastically like I assumed it would. Well, frankly, I didn't expect I'd live. I replayed over and over again how I thought it would go. I pictured myself in my room, counting out the pills. Fifty would do it, maybe sixty. I would take them as fast as I could manage because if I thought about it too much I could back out. If I slowed down I might only get twenty or so in which would just damage my kidney's instead of shutting down the amusement park all together.
I didn't want to take my normal drugs. Aspirin would do it. Aspirin just seemed more glamorous to me for some reason. I don't feel like explaining really.
I'm not sure why I called Grace. I don't really remember dialing the numbers or even picking up the phone, but I remember her voice, her quaking voice trying to be as calm as possible. "Karen," she said. "You need to call an ambulance, I'll be there as soon as I can." It hadn't even dawned on me that I should call an ambulance. I didn't realize what I had done was wrong. It felt right. It was on an impulse. The real suicide attempts are well thought out and intricate and stable. Mine was just a whim that I followed, an itch I scratched.
"911, what's your emergency?" said the voice on the other end. I remained quiet for a bit. "Hello?" said the voice. "Yes, I need an ambulance," I said finally. I couldn't even hear my voice, my ears were ringing, by heart was racing. I was used to being high, but this was nothing like that, this was intense, this wasn't a good high, it was horrifying. The ambulance arrived about the same time as Grace. As the paramedics stormed upstairs and busted in my door, I pretended to be asleep because I felt stupid. I didn't want them to come get me, I wanted to die. I was getting pissed off now. I wanted them to just get out and let me sleep. I'd be fine. "Go away, I was just kidding, you, you have to leave me now." I said, barely.
Rosie was in the doorway with her hand over her mouth, "Why did you do this Miss Karen?" she asked almost angrily. I just ignored her. Grace's face appeared in the ambulance. I looked over and said, "Grace when did you get here?" She didn't reply, she just held my hand. She gripped it tight and I think it hurt but I didn't want her to loosen her grip even for a second. I think my hand would've fallen off if she let go.
We went into the emergency room and nurses were casually chatting, I could hear them. Grace still hadn't let go of my hand. I wouldn't open my eyes but I heard everything around me. "Liz are you and Trisha going to lunch?" asks one of the nurses. How dare they be so casual when I'm sitting here fucking dying! "Okay, Karen? Can you wake up for me?" said a female's voice. "Karen we need to ask you a few questions, alright?"
I opened my eyes but not very cooperatively. I opened one half way and put on a very uninterested face, as best I could manage. "Karen what did you take?" she asked. I didn't feel like answering. Grace tapped my hand, "tell the lady what you took Kare," she said evenly. "About fifty aspirin." I replied frankly. "Okay," said the girl. 'Yeah dumb ass,' I thought. "And why did you take it?" she asks. "I had a headache." I reply.
"Okay, Karen things are going to go a lot easier here if you're honest with me, okay? You consumed quite a bit of aspirin so we're going to have to do one of two things. A: we'll get your stomach pumped or B: you're going to have to drink some charcoal. We're calling poison control right now and they're going to get back to us. We got a nice room for you and we're going to put you there in a few minutes."
Grace's hand was cold. Mine was sweaty and clammy. Fuck, I thought. Why did I bother calling the damn ambulance? Different people in the hospital swarmed around. There were what felt like millions of bustling people congregating and dispersing around this infamous nurse's station and it was driving me completely insane. My head had a pulse and all I could hear was muffled chatter and a ringing that was making me eyes sore.
I got wheeled into the room. A nurse came in and slapped a bracelet on my wrist. It had all of my information. Another bracelet was put on to warm them of my allergy to penicillin. Grace was still by my side. I think maybe a half hour passed. Two nurses came in together with some tubes of this black liquid. "Okay, Karen? We just got off the phone with poison control and we're going to have to give you some charcoal." I sat up. "What's it taste like?" I ask. "Not too good," says one of the nurses.
"We're going to pour some into a cup and see if you can just drink it, but if you can't, we're going to have to stick a tube down your nose and into your stomach and we'll pump it in." The cocky bitch didn't sound to empathetic, although her assistant gave me sad looks of pity. I didn't really appreciate either. I appreciated Grace though, I felt her next to me, worriedly watching my every move.
I spit the nasty liquid right back out more than twice. It tasted like sugary dirt. "Okay, you're wasting it so we're going to have to put the tube down your nose." They tried it the first time and before they got passed my nose I pulled it out. They told me to take a really deep breath and try to swallow it. I pulled it out again. They put the straps on the side of the bed around my wrists and they tied down my feet and shoved it down. I started to scream and cry. Grace had to step out when the phlebotomist came to draw blood. They got all of the charcoal down but within the next eight hours I threw it all back up. They finally took the tube out of my nose. My whole mouth was black from failed attempts to drink it. My nose was bleeding from the fucking tube and I couldn't stand or feel my legs.
I was in hell. I died and went to hell, that was the only explanation for something like this. Grace helped me take off my clothes and tie on the gown. I kept shaking violently. I can't even tell you what the next ten hours were like waiting in the emergency room. It was hell. Grace was there the entire time. They were going to transfer me to a different hospital where they could monitor me constantly for the next who knows how long. We waited for what felt like forever. I fell asleep with wires and tubes coming out of me around 5 in the morning.
The next few days was just me being in the hospital. It was boring. I watched TV, I talked with nurses. I couldn't be trusted alone so I had what they called a "sitter" who stayed with me constantly, even when I went to the bathroom I had to keep the door cracked.
I felt ashamed of myself. I couldn't even remember what had gotten so bad that I was willing to die. Will and Jack came and visited me on the second day. They put on their worried smiles and gave me flowers, (or as I like to call them, poor people's jewelry.) I liked them though, I stared at them instead of watching another episode of Reba.
A psychiatrist came in to talk to me on the third day.