I know this is really sad for a Christmas fic, but a year ago today my mother's best friend passed away - the day before her youngest daughter's eighteenth birthday. I know people are cujo over the Luka/Abby vs Carter/Abby debate - I'm asking you to please leave that out of your reviews and to take this fic at face value.
Dedicated to the memory of Anita J. Butler and all the lives she touched.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life;
It goes on.
-Robert Frost
Her son sat on the hardwood floor, his arms wrapped around her right leg and his head against her knee. She ran her shaking hand through his golden locks once, twice, three times before twirling the short hair around her pointer finger and letting it go. The cigarette that was dangling between her pointer and middle fingers remained unlit and she didn't have the will power to smoke it.
"Abby." Susan Lewis spoke softly, "Do you want something to eat?"
"No." She whispered and ran her hand through Joe's hair again, "Can you take Joe to get some food?"
"Not hungry." He whimpered and buried his face against her pant leg.
Susan knelt down beside her God-Son and extended her hand, "C'mon, Bud, let's go wash your face and get some food. Then you can come back to your mom, okay?"
"Is 'Mo eatin' too?" Joe asked softly, moving his face from his mother's leg and looking at Susan through tear filled eyes.
"Yeah, he is." Susan nodded, "I bet he'd like it if his best buddy sat with him."
Joe nodded, glancing up at Abby, "Momma, you 'kay?"
"Yeah, Baby." Abby leaned over and kissed his messy hair, "Go sit with Cosmo and Aunt Susan, I'll be in in a few minutes."
Joe stood up and took Susan's hand, walking towards the tables full of food. Susan squeezed Abby's shoulder as she walked by and Abby nodded her thanks. She cringed when she heard her son talk to Susan as they walked, "Momma's really sad, Aunt Susan. I wish Daddy could come home and make it better."
She felt Susan's sympathetic look before she heard her softly spoken words, "I know, Joe, I wish that too."
Abby's eyes clinched close and she willed the tears not to spill over. She wanted a drink – a strong shot of whiskey – something to end the immense pain that she felt with every breath. It had started as a good day; they had slept in, walked Joe to his afternoon kindergarten class, caught a lunch by the river and then parted ways for Luka to go to work. Abby had been helping Joe with his reading assignment while cooking dinner when the phone went off – a co-worker from the hospital telling her to turn on the TV. Abby had clicked on the TV that sat in the corner of the kitchen and saw a man standing in front of what appeared to be a war zone and the words that chilled her to the bone, "I'm Daniel Livingston and I'm standing in front of Boston Memorial Hospital. It appears that a gunman went into the emergency room with a machine gun and began to fire at the doctors and patients of Boston's central hospital. As of right now the casualties are rising, three patients and two doctors have been confirmed dead and many are still receiving treatment."
Luka had taken three bullets to his chest, one piercing his aorta and killing him almost immediately. Abby had been on edge from the moment she saw the news and when the police had shown up on here doorstep several hours later, she fell apart. Susan Lewis had been a Godsend; hoping on a plane with Cosmo and flying in, taking care of Joe and helping Abby plan the funeral. She made sure Abby didn't drink, that both Abby and Joe ate.
Toying with the lighter in her pocket, Abby debated lighting the cigarette as the door to the funeral home opened and in walked her past. John Carter emerged from the sun that was far too bright holding the hand of his wife – both with sad faces. Abby stood up and braced herself for their platitudes. Kem reached her first, hugging her awkwardly, "I'm so sorry, Abby. We all loved Luka."
"Thanks." She whispered as her lower lip slid between her teeth.
"Abby." John Carter breathed.
Abby looked up at him, fresh tears pooling in her brown eyes, "Thanks for coming, John."
"C'mere." He whispered, letting go of Kem's hand and wrapping his arms around her. Her arms encircled his neck and her tears dampened the left shoulder of his shirt, "Oh, Abby." He whispered and held on tighter.
"It wasn't supposed to be like this, Carter." She sobbed, "We were supposed to have that fifty year marriage. This wasn't supposed to happen."
"I know." Carter rubbed her back, "This was supposed to be your 'happy ever after'."
Abby gave a sad, sarcastic chuckle, "This is what I get for believing in fairytales."
–
"Hey." He sat down next to her on the back stoop of the funeral home. Cosmo, Joe, and several of Joe's cousins ran around the parking lot and Abby sat, still twirling the same cigarette's through her fingers.
"Hey." She whispered, "This is good, right? He's playing."
"Kids are resilient." Carter promised her, handing her a cup of coffee.
"I'm such a fucking mess." Abby ran her hand through her tangled brown locks, juggling the coffee and cigarette in the same hand.
"Your husband just died, Abby," Carter sighed, "I think you're allowed to be a fucking mess."
"I really want a drink."
"I know you do." He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and she leaned into him, "Look at your son, Abby. He's smiling and playing with his friends, but right now he needs you more than anything. You fall apart all you want, but that little boy needs his mother sober."
"Thanks." Abby bumped the side of her wrist against his knee, "I needed that."
"You're going to be okay, Abby." Carter promised her.
Abby chuckled and stood, pacing the three feet of sidewalk in front of him, "How do you know that? I mean a week from now I could be held up in the Chelsea screaming 'Sid' on the top of my lungs."
"You won't." He gave her a small smile, "You're stronger than you give yourself credit for."
"I'm also self-destructive." She added.
"Yes," He nodded, "but you have a lot to live for."
"That I do." Abby gave a small smile as Joe ran up and wrapped his arms around her waist.
"Mommy, look!" Joe pointed heavenward at the opening in the clouds, "It's a hole in heaven's floor."
"Yeah, Baby." Abby agreed, waiting to see where he took it.
"I bet Daddy's lookin' through it." Joe decided, "He's lookin' at us, Mommy. An angel makin' sure we're okay."
Tears slid down Abby's cheeks as she kissed Joe's head repeatedly, "Yeah, Baby," She whispered through the tears, "I bet you're right."
Joe turned in his mother's arms, Abby's arms wrapped around his shoulders. He stared intently at the opening between the clouds before pressing his fingers to his lips and then extending his arm toward the sky, "Love you, Daddy."
Joe ran off back to his friends and, once again crying, Abby turned back to Carter. Susan had stepped outside to join them and both watched her intently. The two people on earth that could read her better than anyone stood before her with awaiting open arms – as if to say, 'Let me carry your pain for awhile'. Abby walked the few steps to them and in the most comforting gesture they huddled together in a pseudo-group hug. For once in her life, she let her guard down – trusting her best friends to protect her.
Slowly, the heavens opened and rain fell in big drops to the ground. Thunder boomed overhead and all the boys in the parking lot sprinted towards the shelter of the funeral home and their parents. Joe followed Cosmo inside, Susan following them to keep them out of trouble. Carter watched Abby lift her chin towards the sky and the rain wash the tears from her face, "You coming?"
"Yeah." Abby nodded, "Just a few minutes."
"Alright." He nodded and turned to go find his wife.
So there she stood, in the middle of the pouring rain, three days a widow and the rest of her life without her husband lying before her. Looking up and forcing her eyes open in spite of the rain, she found the same opening Joe had. Brushing her fingers to her pursed lips, she extended her arm to the sky and let the kiss go, "I love you, Luka."
As the sun beamed through the single opening, soaked to the bone, Abby felt it. The warmth that he had caught their kisses, that he was with them and that they would get through this. That's the thing with life, no matter what it goes on.