Edward Learns About Acne
by (Stacey) larrythestapler
A/N: Well, I've NEVER, EVER read Twilight. I've read the first chapter, but it did not match my tastes, so I gave up reading it. I am an avid disliker of it, but my since my friends (Miss Mary Sue and From Spark to Flame) are both writing fanfics about narcissistic, beautiful men angsting over zits, I thought, what the hell, might as well write one. Sooo, our three stories are part of the Zit Trilogy (Draco Malfoy, Tamaki Suoh, and Edward Cullen all get zits!). If you read one, you SHOULD read the other two. So anyhoo, my fanfiction is about how the great and beautiful Edward deals with…a pimple. Major OOCness. Yep. It's a crackfic.
EDIT: ZIT SERIES!!!!!
Including stories from Miss Mary Sue, kasplosion, from spark to flame, and asianangelgirl. AND MOI. OF COURSE.
Beautiiful, narcisstic men get zits. DUN. DUN. DUN.
Along the plot of the story, I've also included MANY songs and popular culture references, so in your review tell me if you seek any!
Disclaimer: No, I don't own Twilight, capische? Stephanie Meyer does. I also don't own any of the implied lyrics in the story…
I am the remaining spirit of Edward Cullen the sexy and beautiful vampire, and I will tell you my story without hesitation. It all started with a rather stupid imperfection that caused me and my lover pain and anguish. Alas, we are free at last. Free from the ethically meager expectations of society. But I have caused my beautiful swan to join me in death, and that very fact is the reason why I haunt. I am haunted by my own wrongdoing. And death erased the chance of any redemption.
So it all started out with a glance in the morning, the morning I woke up and noticed a huge, pus-filled graft of skin on my forehead. Don't tell anyone, but I am a self-absorbed, emotionally-crippled narcissist, and this was no exception. But I did not know what it was my ignorance blocked my sanity, and I was thrown into an insane whacked predicament of my own doing.
The story opens with a pedophilic, uh, I mean, teenage vampire waking up. He yawned, and headed towards the bathroom. The first thing he glanced at was the impeccable, spotless mirror that showed him…him. He first noticed his manly, yet slender build, hulking, but just rationally perfect. It was the build that would one day hold Bella Swann and protect her. His looks tremendously assuaged his morning breath. So yeah, girls would die just to catch a whiff of his glorious morning breath. In the morning, his God-like complex glowed more than ever. Edward glanced in the mirror and winked at himself. As a human, his eyes were a gorgeous brilliant green. This morning, they flickered with a tabby yellow accent. Nevertheless, they were still charming and mesmerizing and retained a great power of seduction. And his hair, they were just a perfect mess, but not repulsing. His hair was rather...sexy-messy.
The warmth and brightness of the morning could not hurt him, rather, it charged him for what was ahead for the day. He almost left the bathroom, a permanent dashing smile stuck on his face.
Oh, yeah, I said, ALMOST.
And then. It struck him. The horror. THE HORROR. He saw…an imperfection on his beautiful skin. His lush, pale vampire skin was spotted with a single pimple, on his perfect vampire forehead, though he had never heard of such lingo..yet. Edward had seen it on other humans before, but this could not be a fluke. On him, no this couldn't happen to hot vampires like him…This could mean death but worse…BELLA NOT LOVING HIM ANYMORE.
He melted into horror. And that gosh darn smile disappeared, replaced with a comical and terrified 'O' formed by his chapped lips.
As for now, we shall explore the story, in various points of views.
Will you ever look at me again? After what cruel fate has done to me? HOW COULD THIS HIDEOUS MONSTROSITY OCCUR TO ME? WHY MUST LIFE UNVEIL ITS CRUELTY ON ME? I have been flawless, beautiful, youthful…The moment I became a vampire I knew that I had great and unspeakable powers, but even with such power I could not control the sciences of dermatology. Bella, my dear Bella…
Do you still love me? This odd pink inflammation has estranged my soul and mind from our love…Bella, as our lush lips fornicate will you be terrified? Terrified of the red stranger that peaks on the lush fair paleness of my perfect forehead?
Every time I attempt to touch it, it horrifies me, and I am disgusted by my own body. I cannot muster the courage to wash, scrape or do such things to my only body. What is this odd inflammation? Where can I find a resolution?! I'd climb Tibetan mountains and travel across the sea just to be with you, with contentment and happiness. Instead, every moment I stare at my own monstrosity, it causes pain and anguish to the depth of my fragile psyche, to see that terrible crimson monster that inhabits my lovely ashen face. Every time I see your smile and beautiful, impeccable heart-shaped face, my cold heart is thawed by beauty and lust overtakes my vulnerable soul.
Every time I look inside your heart, I cannot see what sentiments you bare for me…My mind is forever anguished and apprehensive. When I look inside your heart, I see my own fear, fear of you not loving me. Because I understand that I cannot be your hero when my vulnerability is shown. Because of you, I am afraid to face this predicament. All because of you my dear Bella. I must find a resolution…I feel so weak right now…I do not want you to see me in such weakness; I do not want to be seen as a quarry, an innocent. I want to be your hero, your lover, and your only hope… But how can I be your hero, if I fear myself? The very pain cannot be kissed away; a miracle must occur, so I shall lay my head down and hope for the best. Perhaps hope was the very thing that held our unconventional relationship together. With all my hope and love, this very monster must comply.
The bump was weakness. Disgust. The monster inside of me. And it must also be a sign that I am dying soon.
I must put myself in solace, solace of the great television. Only then will my charm be recovered from this disastrous state.
And remember, I wish to be forever yours, and you forever mine.
Sulkily, Edward flipped the channels with detachment and was clearly upset. He could not bare look into the mirror, and face the horror that bumped at the top of his smooth, unsullied skin. I bet not even Carlisle knows what this thing is.
Food. Food. Animals. Sitcom. SKIN PROBLEMS.
"Are you suffering from terrible acne?" The voice on the television said with amicability. Edward perked up from his slouching posture.
Edward's heart leaped. The pictures on the television were like his skin blasphemy, except covering more surface area! SO THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED. DARN YOU ACNE…DARN YOU! I MUST FIGHT YOU WITH COURAGE!
"Do you want clear, touchable skin? Now here's your chance!" Edward's eyes pierced the TV. YES YES YES YES I DO!!!! TELL ME GREAT TELEVISION!!!
He could barely keep his composure. His excitement caused his vampirish heart to leap like a ballerina's attempt of a pirouette, leaping gracefully but strongly. It could not be detained. He was at the very climax of finding a resolution to that disgusting thing on his forehead, and his patience was running out. Must hold on. YOU'VE GOT TO WANT IT, CULLEN.
"Then…"
Heart leap.
"Call..."
He took a grip on the side of the sofa. Sweat droplets were now forming at his sideburns.
"The number…"
GASP.
"ON THE SCREEN NOW AND SAVE FIFTY PERCENT OFF FOR THE FIRST ONE HUNDRED CALLERS. WANT CLEAR, BEAUTIFUL SKIN? THEN GET ACNE-AWAY TODAY!" The mellifluous perky voice on the televisions sang to him like a siren, and he knew that the miracle crème on the television was his only hope. His loophole. His escape from cruelty.
"Acne-Away completely changed my life…"
ONLY FIFTY DOLLARS? THIS IS SUCH A GREAT DEAL!!!!!! [Verbal Irony.] Edward leaped for the old tan phone at the bedroom after he copied down the ridiculously long number on the television.
This. Is. My. Destiny. I shall fight off the thing they call a "zit"! I SHALL GET RIGHT TO ZIT. [PUN INTENDED]
"Edward…?" I heard a tap on the window, and a single knock on the door, and her sweet voice of roses and tulips sings to me. OH NO? What should I do?????? The miracle product has not yet arrived. Why must such inconvenience be brought to meeeeeeeee? I must do something to hide this disgusting shame to all living creatures…
"Edward dear?" Bella's voice whined. She pouted and her rose-colored lips puffed. Her delicate hands danced on the window pane and I could see she wore a beautiful fluffy yellow dress with orange dancing boots.
Edward blushed. His swan through the fogged tainted glass window was still so graceful and beautiful. He wanted to forever keep her in his arms, to protect her. But then, he remembered his"pimple." She would love me…no more. Edward choked up into tears at the very thought, and he wiped his nose with his clean white dress shirt's sleeve.
He cruised up the flight of stairs and peered furtively into each bedroom. No one keep cosmetic crap…
Edward glanced around in the living room, hoping to find something to hide his hideous pimple. There must be something around here…Rosalie must keep some kind of crap in her bedroom—
And then he found it. A blasé scarlet sweatband laid at the top of Rosalie's clothing drawer and Edward snatched it, stealthily glancing from side to side, checking if anyone was home to bust him. Nope.
As he could not detain the exhilaration of that current climax, Edward began panting. He heard Bella crying softly.
Alarmed, Edward opened the door.
"THERE YOU ARE," she cried between sobs, "Why didn't you open the door." Bella's glittering mascara dripped and her cheeks were striped with purplish lines. Edward's man bangs swished towards his eye, and a gust of somberness took over him. On impulse, I gave her a soft kiss on her lipglossed lips and held her into my warm bosom.
"It'll be okay. I'll… I will protect you." Our hearts beat, pumped, and I could feel the awkward, intense power of our love. We were made for each other.
"Oh Edward…I've missed you so much!" Bella sighed close-eyed as she stroked Edward's untidy bronze hair facetiously, glomping him from behind his back. Her soft fingers were delicate, but lead Edward to such happiness and pain, pain of knowing that she would have to find out about…that. The scent of her blood was so close. It smelled so warm, and so sweet, as she flirtatiously ran her soft fingers through my hair and leaned closer
"What's with the dorky headband?" Bella giggled. "Has my love been working out," she inquired facetiously as she tickled my arm. Oh, her scent so sweet and delicate.
"Um, yeah." He was bad at lying.
"Oh la la la…" Bella droned in a sultry tone. Bella winked and gave me a mischievous smirk. My body naturally responded to her flirting, and I turned red from exhilaration and guilt. We were beautiful lovers, but I now had a dirty little secret that she could not know. She kissed me softly on the cheek, and attempted to remove my headband. My vulnerability must not be shown!
"NO!" I shrieked. I grabbed her arm and pinned it down. And at that point, I began to realize how soft and fair her skin was, how innocently crimson her lips pouted.
"Why not?" Bella looked hurt. Her chocolate brown eyes seemed to melt into a puddle of mud. She was crying.
"No."
"We need to talk."
"No." My eyes closed and I winced. I could not bear tell beautiful Bella the truth. My beautiful swan…
"Sit down, it's just a talk—"
"I cannot Bella." Edward bit his lip and looked down at his perfectly clean fingernails.
"So is this how our relationships going to go? Rants of fear and blame? We need to talk, NOW." Bella sobbed into her shirt. He wanted to embrace her with his warmth, to console her. But he had to hide her from the disgusting horror of his face…It must be detained.
Edward grimed politely.
"Edward, just tell me what I did wrong. I don't want to lose you. You know something's wrong when you can't even tell me why you're wearing a headband." Tears streamed down Bella's face.
"I-I'm sorry."
"IS THIS HONESTLY HOW YOU WANT OUT RELATIONSHIP TO GO? ARE YOU GOING TO START HIDING EVERYTHING FROM ME? YOU JERK. I HATE YOU. I THOUGHT YOU LOVEDDDDDD MEEEEEEEE." Bella's lips morphed into an ugly and rather droll "O" and her nose became faintly puffy and crimson. Her soft face was streaked with tears of confusion and anger. Her lover did not respond to a single question, and she lost allllllll hope of a surviving, honest relationship. "Bella…I'm sorry…" Slap. [BRING IT ON BITCH.
It is now 2 A.M. and I lie awake in the infinite cold. My only hope was gone. But her soft voice hauntingly sings to me over and over again. Bella had left me, and I knew part of the situation was my fault. But how I wanted to protect her from my ugliness…It is often cruel how love makes us do such nonsensical things. But for you, I would do anything.
Bella, Bella, you have left me lovelorn. I cannot breathe without your touch. I cannot feel without your love. I have been flawless and beautiful, but this sickening science of dermatology fails to congratulate my beauty…but worsens the state of my melancholia. And now I must take faith into the accuracy of the Internet. Perhaps the World Wide Web will pity me, and forever more allow me to seek for that one cure.
Medical studies have shown that there is a great and very possible link between acne treatment and garlic. Consumption of a clove a day will definitely keep the acne away! Chew a clove for every day for a week, and you're sure to be acne free the next week!
There's no time to hesitate Bella. No more time to stop and think, I'm definitely yours, and this uber-truth cannot pause.
[Fluff here]
He bit into the enigmatic clove of garlic. Edward's green stable-boy-working-in–the- pasture eyes drolled, turning a cat-like color, and soon his consciousness whirled. His patience ran out, but all of a sudden he felt weary, weak. He remembered the sound of Bella's last time with him. He knew that he didn't have to make this mistake and he didn't have to feel such pain and anguish. But for her, he would do anything. A chilling sensation took over him, and Edward drowsed off into what seemed to him the most comfortable and satisfying sleep he had ever experienced. Or perhaps Death had just collected him?
"Edward…are you there?" Bella knocked on the door, softly whispering his name. She opened the door, and saw Edward to be sleeping, and she smiled, drooling at her perfect boyfriend's God-like complex. She kissed him gently on the nose, and suddenly, she could not feel his pulse. The vivid pulse that beat when their two hearts were near was missing. She jerked his hand to feel a pulse. It was not there.
Frantically, Bella tried attempting CPR, but everything failed. She sat there, defeated, in tears, and repenting.
"OH MY GAWD! EDWARD ARE YOU OKAY? I AM SOO SORRY FOR BEING A BEEYATCH EARLIEEERRR." Bella sobbed, mortal tears flawing the scent of his manly hands. She held him in her arms. His muscular build was now so weak. Her superman was gone. Gone from the cruel clutches of this Earth. Of course her curiosity about the sweatband still lingered.
Bella lifted the sweatband out of its place cautiously.
"OH MY GAWD. THAT IS SO GROSS." Bella pulled her arm back and her jaw dropped in disgust. Had she just touched that…THAT BUMP OF DIGUSTING PUS AND DEAD SKIN?
But his death was pitiful. It only took a march to a general store, some cash, and a tube of Clearasil. Unfortunately, his naiveté got the better of him. My dear Edward, how I bereave you.
Bella fainted and collapsed in Edward's lap.
This love really has taken its toll on us, huh?
Well, at least we were finally together.
Finish.