a/n: Hello there :]. This super short ficlet came to me today because of some things that are going on in my own life. I thought it applied nicely to a Taichi/Yamato friendship fic (it could be romance, too. Whatever floats your boat.). It was a good way for me to get out these feelings and write a new fic that has been itching to come out. And, I'm thinking this may become the first part of a series of ficlets. That's still in consideration, though. Enjoy :]
Disclaimer: Don't own it. After roughly 6 years, I'm over this fact.
Grief
I never would have believed that it would come to this.
The other day, I was the last to leave the locker rooms after soccer practice. I was done with the front I had been putting up for the day that had been part of my daily routine for weeks. Exhausted both physically and mentally, I took the moment alone to recover. The quiet that filled the entire school, the air the only thing left to echo silently in the now-abandoned hallways, reminded me that the empty, lonely school was comparable to how I had been feeling since we'd gone separate paths.
It felt good to have the moment alone, even if I was reminded how hurt I had been. I didn't have to put on the mask of the goofy, giddy kid that my friends had known. I could take the moment to just think about everything, to have the quiet that I needed, and let myself try again to get over everything.
I wasn't myself, but I couldn't let my friends – our friends – know that I was hurting. They agreed. It needed to come out one way or another, regardless of what the consequences were. I couldn't sit around feeling hurt. I agreed with them one hundred percent.
They never mentioned this, though.
When I was finally done, I exited the building, stepping into the bright, autumn sun and bitter wind. At the entrance of the gate is when I heard your voice. I knew that I wanted to talk to you for quite some time, and right then was a perfect opportunity, but I couldn't do it. I wasn't prepared to face you, not then. Taking my own evasive action, I jumped into the rose bush by the gates of the school. I'll worry about the cuts later, I thought.
Glancing out curiously, I spotted you. You, too, were walking out of the building, conversing animatedly with your band mates. I couldn't remember a time before that moment when I had been so jealous. I'd been dying in the weeks before then just to have one conversation, even one acknowledgement. You did always have the temper and nature of an angry god, and I guess I couldn't blame you.
Sure, I felt that I was right. I knew it, and so did our friends that gave me opinions.
I guess maybe I could have executed my plan a little more gracefully.
I didn't think you'd become so angry when I finally spoke to you so long ago. I tried expressing what I felt in the best way possible, but you wouldn't hear it. You told me I was selfish. I was feeling jealous. I felt rejected. I didn't want the only real thing I had to slowly dwindle until I was alone again while you were off living your glorious rock god dream. I didn't want to be left be left behind. Not again. And not by you.
I felt myself cringe at how happy you were. I tried to convince myself that you were putting up your own front. That you missed me just as much as I missed you. I know that wasn't the case, though. You were always so much stronger than I was. You knew how to let things go.
I never thought it would come down to this.
I never gave a second thought at you letting me go.
When I saw that you were gone, I crawled out from my spot and sat with my back against the gate walls. Anguished, and with no one to reassure that I was okay, curled into my knees, buried my head in my arms and sobbed.
I wish I knew you saw me that day. I wish I knew that you stopped, if only for a couple of seconds, and, with a defeated frown, put down the guard that you had, too.
You were always stronger.
You picked right back up in step with your band mates, setting up a false smile, while I grieved the loss of you.