Written for Libbybelle. She knows why.
A young, brown-haired woman walks along a deserted street while a light drizzle falls and darkens her green parka. Her eyes are red-rimmed and empty, and she keeps them on the ground. The only time she looks up is when she crosses a street, making sure she's still going the right way. Her left hand is in a cast, an address scribbled on it in blue ink. The other hand, the healthy one, is pulling a suitcase. Both things - the address and the suitcase - signifies her escape, her future, and at this moment in time, her only hope. Even though Alice was her best friend while growing up and maid of honor at her wedding, she hasn't spoken to her in years. The brown-haired woman hopes she will be there through the divorce as well.
She pauses at a crossing, lifts her eyes and looks around, recognizing the houses from her internet search. Number 37 is across the street, and her eyes are drawn to the third floor. The relief when she sees the soft light in the windows is tangible. She was afraid it was too late at night, that Alice would be out partying or already asleep, but it seems she had no reason to worry. Her heart quickens and she feels a strong pull towards the narrow stairs up to the front door. She has thought of this moment for a long time. She misses Alice so much: her laugh, her smiles, her hugs... She misses the way Alice always knew what to say to make things better. She misses the way she never has to explain anything because Alice already understands. She misses her gentle touches and the way she smells. She misses everything.
After a few deep breaths she hurries across the street and up the stairs, hoping the entrance won't be locked. She's lucky; someone has stuffed a piece of paper in the hole of the bolt, preventing the door from locking properly. It creaks when it opens, and she shuts it as quietly as she can - a remnant of her life with Edward. A sleeping drunk is better than an awake one.
There is no elevator, and she's dizzy when she finally reaches the third floor. Carrying a suitcase three stories up when you haven't slept or eaten for days takes its toll, and her hand trembles as she raises it. A quick glance at the name tag - Alice Hale - to make sure it's the right door, then she taps it with her knuckles the way she used to tap at Alice's window when they were teenagers.
The knock on the door is so hesitant and quiet that Alice barely hears it. She raises her eyes from the book she's reading and furrows her brows. She can't think of anyone who'd knock on her door like that, and certainly not at this hour. The only one who shows up this late is Jasper, and being her best friend - and one with benefits - he has his own key and lets himself in.
Alice waits a minute, wondering if she only imagined it, and then hears the soft sound of someone sliding against the door, all the way down to the floor. She puts her book aside, walks into her small hallway and peeks through the small peephole. The stairwell outside looks empty, but a movement on the floor close to the door catches her eye. A jean-clad leg stretches out, a combat boot attached to it. Alice only knows one girl who would wear combat boots. She quickly unlocks the door and throws it open.
"Bella?" she gasps.
The brown-haired woman on the floor tumbles backwards into Alice's hallway, using her good hand to ease the fall. Sad, tired eyes meet Alice's as she extends her hand to help her up.
"Is it really you?"
Bella nods in silence, still not sure whether she's welcome or not. After all, she hasn't called Alice in a long time.
Alice puts her hands over her mouth, tears welling in her eyes.
"Oh God, I've missed you so much!" she cries and pulls Bella into a tight embrace. The familiar smell of Alice's hair and the feeling of her arms around Bella's body loosens the numb state she's been in for the last days, and she takes a ragged breath.
"Can I come in?"
"Well, duh, of course! Here, let me take your suitcase." Alice lets go of Bella, discretely wipes a tear from the corner of her eye, and ushers her into the hallway before reaching for the suitcase.
"What the hell happened to your hand? Never mind, you can tell me later."
In true Alice fashion, she keeps talking - not because she expects an answer, it's simply her way when around Bella. For as long as they've known each other, Bella has been quiet around other people, always shy and reserved unless they were alone. Alice learned early on to think out loud, say what she thinks, observe closely how Bella reacts to it, and then draw her conclusions. It has become a natural way of communicating for them. She knows Bella well enough to see when she's unsure or uncomfortable, and knows how to ask the right questions and make the correct observations when needed. Right now, though, Alice is just happy to see her again, and the reasons for Bella's being there will have to wait until she's dry and rested.
"God, you're drenched! I'll get you a towel, just hang your jacket over there, Babybelle."
Hearing her old nickname brings Bella a sense of safety she hasn't felt for a long time. The reality of the decisions she's made comes crashing down, and as Alice starts taking off her wet clothes and drying her hair with a soft towel, Bella starts sobbing uncontrollably. The life Bella hoped for when she married Edward was over long before she packed her suitcase and left, but being here, having Alice close to her again, finally makes it seem real. Feeling Alice's warm hands on her body and listening to her voice as she talks soothingly is a stark contrast to the unstable life with her drunk and constantly displeased husband.
Alice shushes her, takes Bella's hand, and leads her to the bedroom. She is shaking, and Alice dresses her in a dry tee, a pair of soft sweatpants, and warm, knitted socks before pushing her down on the bed. Alice lays down next to her, pulls a blanket over them both, and holds Bella close until she's asleep.
When Bella's body has relaxed and her breaths have evened out, Alice lets go of her. She lays on the side and leans her head in her hand, watching Bella as she sleeps. She notices dark circles under her eyes, a faded bruise on her cheek, her collarbones much more prominent than they used to be. It's obvious that she has lost weight, and that worries Alice. She remembers a Bella with soft and healthy curves, far from the skinny woman that's now in her bed.
Alice cries quietly, angry at herself for not being there for Bella when she clearly needed her, and angry at Edward for destroying the person she loves most in this world. When Bella and Edward met, Alice was happy for her friend. She also realized that it was the end of something she had hoped for but never got a chance to start. Alice had been confident that Bella shared at least an inkling of the same feelings as she had, but the time never seemed right to take that step. Alice was afraid of ruining their friendship, and instead she lost Bella to what she considered a possessive and unstable narcissist with a drinking problem. It now seems like she can add violent bastard to that, as well.
A strand of hair falls over Bella's face, and Alice pushes it away, stroking her cheek gently before leaning in and giving her a kiss on the forehead. She creeps out of the bed, tucks Bella in, and closes the door quietly on her way out.
Alice's phone lies next to the book on the small coffee table, and she picks it up and quickly types a text to Jasper.
BB, you can't come tonight. Got visitor.
You cheating on me? ;)
No. Yes. No. Bella showed up. She needs me.
Bella? THE Bella? Holy MF. I want to meet her!
You will, later. Love you.
Love you too.
Alice takes Bella's jacket and hangs it over a chair in the kitchen, pulling it up close to the radiator to dry, before she goes back to her book on the couch. She tries to read for a while, but has difficulties concentrating on the words. Her eyes are drawn towards the closed bedroom door, time and time again, and her mind is back in bed with Bella. She wants to run back in there, crawl back under the blanket, and never leave. She loves Jasper in so many ways - he's the perfect friend, lover, and play-partner - but Bella was her best friend and first love, and now that she's back in Alice's life, she doesn't want to let her go again. Alice hopes that the feelings she believes were once mutual are still there somewhere.
She puts down the book, sighs, and goes back into the kitchen to prepare the coffee machine and set the timer to 8.30 am. Bella always loved to wake up to the smell of brewing coffee, many sleep-overs throughout the years have taught Alice that. When Bella grew up, it was always her job to put the coffee on in the morning for her often hung-over mother Renee. Alice used to keep Bella company when Renee was away having her own little "sleep-overs", and she took it on herself to be the one to make coffee for Bella. With Bella here, it's so easy for Alice to fall back into her old habits and feelings.
Alice hesitates slightly before she re-enters the bedroom. She doesn't really trust herself to sleep next to Bella - she's afraid that she, in her sleep, will cross boundaries that aren't yet to be crossed. Seeing the state Bella's in now, Alice doesn't want to push her into something if she's not ready. It's not like they haven't been physically intimate before - they did some experimenting when younger - but they always steered clear of any talk of feelings. Using the disguise of "experimenting" was easier than actually having to talk about what they felt.
Bella has turned to her side, her back to the door. Alice decides that Bella probably could use a warm body next to her, seeing as she was so cold before. She slips into her pajamas and crawls back into bed. She lays down with her body flush to Bella's, buries her nose in her hair, and puts an arm around her. Bella murmurs softly and searches for Alice's hand, and when she finds it she brings it to her mouth and kisses it. Alice holds her breath, hoping Bella isn't dreaming of Edward, and that the kiss actually was meant for her. She falls asleep with the memory of Bella's lips on her skin and dreams of the same lips on other parts of her body.
The morning comes undesirably quick, and the sounds of the coffee machine wake Bella up. It takes a moment for her to realize where she is, but Alice's soft snoring behind her back is a welcome reminder. She turns around and faces her, watching her familiar features. Alice's hair used to be short and dyed raven-black, but now it's a bit longer, dark brown, and has red streaks in it. Bella notices the natural wave from her childhood years is back in Alice's hair again, taking away some of the boyish appearance she used to rock, and making her look more feminine. Bella decides she likes it.
The sight of Alice's hand tucked under her cheek brings back a vague memory of kissing it late at night, and Bella blushes instantly. The connection between them had always been strong, and for Bella, the line between friendship and love had been blurred more than once. She thought Alice felt the same at some point, but Bella was always too embarrassed to ask. Then Bella met Edward, and fell into the safety of a heterosexual relationship that she knew no one would question.
Little did she know then that it wouldn't be long before that relationship would be questioned, too - not by others, but by herself. On the outside, they were the perfect couple: Edward was an assertive and handsome business major, and Bella was his beautiful, loving, and ever supportive wife. She found herself thrown into a vortex of dinner parties, book circles, and shopping, and surrounded by people to whom appearances were everything, and substance was nothing. She felt trapped in world of posers, and forced into a template that she didn't like. She felt like a robot, always repeating the same tedious tasks - acting perfect, looking perfect - but it wasn't her. As Bella tried to free herself of the limited scope she'd been sucked into and find things that made her feel like herself again, Edward grew increasingly controlling and began to question her devotion to him. He mocked her interests, and belittled her intellect and emotions. His drinking got worse. With alcohol in his system, he began to overstep the boundary that men usually have embedded in their minds. The one that says "never hit a woman".
Bella made the decision to leave him on the day he broke her wrist, but it took some time to make the necessary arrangements. She needed to collect enough money to pay for her travel to wherever it was she would go, and that wasn't easy since she didn't have an income of her own. She needed to take a good look at her phone book, to find someone she could depend on when she finally left, someone who wouldn't question her decision and try to convince her to go back. She needed to find someone who was loyal to her, not to Edward or to the image of their perfect marriage. It was with sadness that she ruled her own mother out of the equation. Renee had always been fond of Edward and very quick to excuse any stupid behaviour on his part.
Bella realized that, in persuading her to be a housewife instead of a working woman, Edward had already started to control her. A wife with no possibility of surviving without her man is much more docile and less likely to leave than a woman with money and a career of her own. She also realized that Edward had surrounded them with couples like that - working husbands with slick hair and expensive suits, and strawberry blonde Stepford wives with names like Sasha, Tanya, or Irina - and that she would receive no support from their current circle of friends. They were more friends of the Edward/Bella illusion than friends of the persons behind it.
That only left one friend: Alice. Now, here she is, lying next to Alice on her bed, wondering why she never voiced her feelings and why she so easily let go of her friend after the marriage. Was it an attempt to convince herself that the love for Edward was enough, or was she trying to rid herself from the temptation of being around Alice? Was she afraid her feelings for Alice would interfere with her marriage, or was it Edward who worried about that? Now that she thinks of it, Edward had never really supported her friendship with Alice, and on numerous occasions he'd shaken his head disapprovingly when Bella talked about Alice and their antics in their youth. His condemning frowns used to make Bella feel insecure and anxious, and it's with shame that she realizes she stopped talking about Alice to avoid those feelings.
The smell of coffee drifts through the chink of the door, and Alice stirs and yawns.
"Wakey wakey, sleepy-head," Bella whispers.
Alice smiles, her eyes still closed, and whispers back.
"Is that Babybelle I hear whispering in my ear?"
"I'm afraid so," Bella answers, still unsure of how welcome she actually is in Alice's life. For all she knows, Alice may well have built a life with a partner - male or female - that doesn't have any room for her.
"Thank God, I was afraid I'd dreamed the whole thing, and that I'd wake up all alone with no Babybelle around." Alice opens her eyes and continues.
"I'm really glad you're here, Bella. You have no idea how much I've missed you."
Bella lets out a sigh of relief.
"I've missed you, too. I'm sorry I didn't call in advance, but I just... I left really quickly. And I'm sorry I haven't been in touch."
"Yeah," Alice says, "I wondered about that. I called sometimes, but it was always Edward who answered the phone. He said he'd leave a message, and at first when you didn't call back, I just figured you were, you know, busy with life or whatever."
"You called? When?" Bella asks.
"From time to time. Maybe like... every third month or so. Not much, really, but you know... Just wanted to check that you were okay." Alice raises her hand and caresses Bella's cheek.
"Oh..." Bella's voice trails off. "He never told me."
"I kind of gathered that eventually. I tried to find your cell phone number, but nothing was registered to you, only to Edward, and I didn't want to call his cell."
"Yeah, my phone is in his name since I don't have an income. He gets the bills, but it's still me who's administering the payments. He says it's because it's good for me to 'learn the value of money', as if I would go on some insane shopping spree otherwise. Which is pretty stupid, if you know me, right? I think he's just lazy. He transfers money to my account, and I pay them from there. Now that I think of it, that's a neat way for him to keep track of who I call, too."
Alice nods in understanding before something dawns on her and she turns serious again.
"He doesn't have one of those "Find my phone"-apps installed on your phone, does he? Because if he does, he'll most likely show up here soon."
"He does, but I deactivated it and turned off the location services before I left. He'll probably find a way to work around it, but that's okay. I know we need to get in touch eventually to figure out the divorce and stuff. I've decided to keep the phone turned off until things have cooled down, and now that I'm here, there's really no one I need to contact anyway."
"Are you sure? What about your mother?"
Bella snorts and shakes her head.
"No, that would be counterproductive... She'd call Edward and tell him where I am the instant I hung up the phone. But, to be honest, I'm not sure Edward cares enough to actually try and find me. At least that's what I hope."
"I don't understand... Why wouldn't he try to find you?"
"He's disappointed I'm not more like a Barbie doll. You know me, Alice. I'll never be one."
"Well, thank fuck for that! I wouldn't want a Barbie anyway..." Alice quiets when she realizes the implications of what she just said. Bella says nothing for a while, and then whispers gently.
"I'm really glad you don't want that, because I'm just me."
"Bella, there's no such thing as 'just' you. You're amazing, don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
"I don't need anyone to tell me anything, because I have an Alice," Bella says softly. "Can I keep you?" she asks, only half joking.
"You've always had me, Bella," Alice admits, and takes a deep breath. Her feelings for Bella have been the elephant in the room for such a long time, an ever present unspoken question with an equally unvoiced answer. It has to be addressed sooner or later. She has to tread carefully, but something in Bella's words tells her that maybe, just maybe, she is more ready to hear it than Alice thinks. Maybe Bella even has an elephant of her own.
"I really mean it when I say that," she begins, and observes Bella closely. So far, her words might just be concerning their friendship, and she wants to see Bella's reactions before she chooses how to proceed.
"You do?" Bella whispers. "I really meant it when I asked if I can keep you." A blush spreads over Bella's cheeks and she looks down at her hands. They're fiddling nervously with the hem of the blanket, and Alice takes Bella's hands, stilling them with her own. They lay still for a while, watching their fingers as they lace into each other.
"Um, I was wondering if you, you know, are seeing someone," Bella finally says. "Romantically, I mean, like, a boyfriend, or something. Or a girlfriend."
"Oh. No. Well, sort of. I have this friend... He's more like a friend with benefits. I love him dearly and we spend a lot of time together, but we're not dating. I'm not in love with him, if you know what I mean. He's just a very close friend and a regular bed companion," Alice explains.
"Oh." Bella sounds both relieved and troubled. "What's his name?"
"Jasper. I expected him to come over last night, but when you had fallen asleep I texted him and told him not to."
"I'm sorry to ruin your booty call, then," Bella apologizes.
"Nah, I'd rather have your booty here than his." Alice smiles reassuringly.
"Oh." Bella lets out a small laugh, wondering if Alice is joking, or if she really does want her booty more than Jasper's.
Alice turns serious again and continues.
"I always loved you, you know."
Whenever they've talked about loving each other, they've always chosen friendship as the reason for it, and Bella can't help but falling into that familiar pattern again.
"I know. You're my best friend, Alice."
"That's not what I meant, Babybelle. I meant more than that, more than just a friend."
Bella hesitates, gathering the courage she needs to ask the question that she desperately wants an answer to, and then blurts it out.
"Do you still?"
Alice doesn't answer right away. She's still worried her words might complicate things.
"I think that maybe I do. Does that freak you out?"
"No... It makes me happy. Do you remember those times at dad's cabin in Forks, when we, you know, were together?"
Alice nods, waiting for Bella to continue, realizing that this is the moment when she'll find out if she was right all the time, if the feelings she has always had for Bella are - or at least were - mutual.
"I still think about that. It meant more to me than I told you back then." Bella watches their intertwined fingers intently, trying to avoid meeting Alice's eyes. She has never voiced these feelings to anyone.
"It meant more to me, too," Alice whispers. Bella closes her eyes and smiles, relieved that it's finally out there, that she's said it out loud, and, most of all, that it meant something more to Alice, too.
"Alice?"
"Yeah?"
"I think the coffee is ready."
Morning turns into afternoon, and the day is spent sitting under a blanket on opposite sides of the couch, rehashing their time apart. Their feet slowly creep closer to each other, touching by accident in the beginning, and more determined after some time. Their relationship has always been effortless, but now there is a tension in the air that neither of them is quite used to. Even though they've admitted that they both feel something more than just friendship, they still haven't figured out how to act around each other. A new kind of relationship is forming, one that's not only built on trust, friendship, and respect, but also on budding romance and desire.
Bella learns more about Jasper and the bookshop he and Alice run together, and she tries to ignore the sting of jealousy as she watches Alice light up in a smile when she talks about him. Alice is horrified to hear the story behind Bella's broken wrist, and Bella admits that this is the first time that she's told anyone the truth about it. The "official" version is that she fell down the stairs, and clumsy as she is, no one thought to question it. Alice suppresses the urge to ask Bella why she didn't seek help earlier, realizing that laying responsibility for that on her isn't going to help in anyway. After all, she's here now, and that's all that matters.
Afternoon fades into evening, and on the couch their feet are still wandering in a seemingly innocent fashion, touching not only feet and ankles, but also knees and thighs. When the knock on the door tells them their ordered dinner has arrived, they are reluctant to lose the physical connection they've been exploring.
Alice and Bella move into the kitchen, and as Bella looks through the cabinets for plates and glasses, Alice sneaks up behind her.
"I'm sorry, I'm just going to get some cutlery."
"Oh, you want me to move?" Bella asks and begins a half-hearted attempt to move.
"No need to."
Alice puts one hand on Bella's hip, and reaches around her with the other one, pulling out a drawer. Bella pauses, her hands still raised above her head as she's holding the handles on the cabinet doors. Her heart beats faster when she feels Alice's hand slip an inch higher, to the sliver of bare skin exposed under the hem of her tee.
"Is this okay?" Alice asks.
Bella swallows and nods, afraid her voice will break if she tries to speak. She wants Alice to keep her hand there. Bella wants to continue feeling the warmth of her flesh and the soft pressure of her fingers against her skin. She lowers her hands and turns around slowly, her backside pressed against the countertop. Alice stands still, without backing up and without taking her hand away from Bella's waist. Her eyes hold an unspoken question, and Bella answers it by putting her own hand on Alice's chest. For a second, Bella's not sure if it is to push Alice away or to pull her close, but her hand makes the decision for her. She watches it in wonder as it grabs Alice's tee and pulls her closer. Alice's body molds into Bella's, soft breasts and bellies pressed against each other, advancing and giving in at the same time.
And then they kiss.
A soft, gentle nibbling of lips, tongues hesitantly slipping out, tasting and breathing into open mouths.
Fingers tangling into hair and caressing necks, hands splaying across chests and seeking soft breasts, thumbs brushing across nipples.
And then they stop.
Alice leans her head against Bella's shoulder and moans quietly, overwhelmed by the rush of lust through her body.
"I guess that means it was okay, then," she murmurs.
"Yeah, I guess so."
They look at each other, and the tension is dissolved as they fall apart in hysterical giggles, relieved that the line between friends and lovers has been crossed and that maybe, just maybe, there is hope for more.
To be continued... Thanks to Plummy and Jennifer for betaing. Huge thanks to TwistedIn_ for the awesome banner: http : / / i1020 . photobucket . com / albums / af324 / SwedenSara / onherskininherheart . png (You need to remove the spaces)