I barely have time to step in the door and realize everything looks the same as it did when I left before Darry has me in a bear hug. I go rigid, startled, and he starts to pull away, letting my blood circulate again.
"Sorry-"
"No - it's okay." I drop my duffle bag and wrap my arms around his shoulders, slowly relaxing. I close my eyes, pressing the crook between my nose and forehead between his shoulder and neck, and let out a long breath. I forgot how good it felt just to have someone hug you. You don't get a whole lot of affection in the army.
We stand like that for a long minute, me soaking it up, and Darry waits until I pull away before he lets go. He grins. "Good to have you back, Sodapop."
I attempt a smile, but it probably looks like I'm grimacing. To hide it, and because I actually want to know, I ask, "Where's Pony?"
"He called a while ago - said his class was gonna run late. Didn't sound too happy about it. He wanted to be here when you got home."
On cue, the door flies open as Pony bursts in. He sees me, breaks into a huge grin, drops his backpack on the floor, and lunges towards me. He hugs me almost as hard as Darry did, and it makes me realize how much he's grown. He's still smaller than me, but he's grown a few inches. Makes me kind of sad, in a weird sort of way.
"Missed you, Soda," he says into my shoulder, his voice muffled.
I hug him a little harder. "I missed you too, Pony."
The next thing he says surprises me and puts a sharp pain in my chest. "Are you okay?"
Am I okay? I just saw my best friend die a week and a half ago. I saw him get shot, saw his eyes widen before closing for the last time. I watched him die. And I couldn't do a thing about it. No, I'm not okay.
"Yeah. I'm alright." I pull away, though, keeping my face turned away from him as I pick up my bag.
Darry notices my abrupt shift in mood and says, "Why don't you go get unpacked while I make dinner?"
I nod and head upstairs to Pony's and my old room. Wow. This room really looks different. There's books all over the desk, most of them college textbooks, and quite a few frames hang on the walls. I go closer to one and see it's a picture of all of us: Mom, Dad, Darry, Pony, and me, all of us laughing or grinning. That definitely wasn't there when I left. I look to the right and see someone's made my bed for me, and I toss my bag onto it.
"Need help unpacking?" Pony's in the doorway, swinging his backpack ono the floor. I can't get over how much older he looks. It's only been a little over three years9, but he seems so different. Taller. Older. I guess I hadn't really realized he'd keep growing up while I was away. "I'm good - not much to unpack. Thanks, though."
He nods, sitting on his bed, seemingly content just watching me. I'm glad he and Darry aren't asking me about what it was like over there - I'd never be able to tell them. It makes me sick just thinking about it…
"Hey, Soda?" Pony suddenly says, and I look over at him from pulling off my boots.
"Yeah?"
He bites a fingernail subconsciously. That's one thing about him I don't think will ever change. "Me and Darry…we're here - I mean, if you need to talk or anything…"
It's so strange; I mean, I'm his older brother. I'm supposed to comfort him, not the other way around.
I do my best to smile at him. "Thanks, Pony. That means a lot."
I hope he knows I mean it.
XXX
I held myself together while I watched him die. I held myself together the trip home. I held myself together in front of Darry and Ponyboy. But now it's just me - no commanding officers, no other soldiers in the unit, no brothers - and I can't hold on any longer.
I lean my elbows on the counter, bowing my head to lace my fingers behind my neck, and squeeze my eyes shut. I bite my lip to stifle the sob that rises from deep in my chest.
Why? Why him? I'm never going to see him again, never going to hear him make some snappy, sarcastic remark to something someone says. I never got to say goodbye. He's gone.
I pull a hand from behind my neck to cover my mouth, muffling my crying as much as I can. It hurt so much… I can't do this…not again…not after Mom and Dad, after Johnny and Dallas…not again…
I don't even realize Darry's behind me until he touches my back, and I whirl around, facing him.
"Easy," he says softly, and he looks as broken as I feel. "Sodapop…" His voice breaks, as if he's feeling my pain.
I bite my lip and turn away, but I'm still shaking, and I can feel hot tears running down my face. He tries to put a hand on my shoulder, but I flinch away.
"Soda-"
I round on him, my grief suddenly turning to anger, and snap, "Don't pretend you're upset, Darry. You hated Steve."
Darry looks bewildered, almost hurt, but I don't care. "All you ever remembered was that stupid joke he said about you. You hated him. Don't you dare pretend you care." My anger's taken over - I'm not crying anymore, just glaring at Darry, breathing heavily, and so, so broken I feel like I'm going to fall apart any second.
Darry's face softens. "That's not true, Soda." He says it gently, like he knows I feel shattered, and it takes all the fight out of me. "I didn't hate him."
"I know." My voice is so low I barely hear it, and there's a lump in my throat so big I can't swallow. I feel tears leaking out of the corners of my eyes again and try to brush them away, but when Darry takes my arm and pulls me to him, I just let go. I bury my face in his shoulder and let it all out. I can hear a soft whimpering sound coming from my throat as I choke on my sobs, but I can't stop it.
Darry holds me tighter, and I think we both know I'd fall if he wasn't supporting me. "Breathe, Pepsi-Cola," he says softly. "Just breathe."
I try, and mange to suck in some air as my frame racks. Darry brings a hand up to rub the back of my neck, and I feel myself loosen almost against my will. It calms me down, and my breathing slowly evens out as my sobs subside.
Darry doesn't let me go, though, and I don't want him to. I move my head, not enough that he'll think I'm pulling away, just enough to rest my temple on his shoulder. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Thanks, Darry."
He runs his fingers through my hair gently. "You're welcome, Soda."
XXX
I'm walking back into my room as Pony's about to walk out of it. He looks slightly relieved when he sees me.
"Alright?" I ask.
"Yeah - I just woke up and you weren't in bed. I dunno, I just…" He half-laughs at himself. "I thought maybe I just dreamed you comin' back."
I smile for the first time in a week and a half. "No such luck. Sorry, kid." I mess up his hair - a gesture he's just going to have to get used to again, and we climb into our beds.
I'm almost asleep when Pony says, "Soda?"
"Mmm?" I mumble drowsily.
"I'm glad you're home."
Another slight smile steals across my face. "Me too, Pony. Me too."