"-and on that note, gentle viewers, please be careful when walking through the West Quad. That fire beetle infestation won't be cleared out until Saturday, and student health services has unofficially requested that students do not come in with burns below medium rare." Laura paused momentarily, glancing away from the camera and shuddering. "If I could give an unofficial suggestion of my own, I'd say stay away from student health services altogether. They're great for getting blood from, but if you try giving it, you may never be seen again."
Perry straightened up from where she was setting the table. "Laura! That's a terrible thing to say. They work extremely hard over there, the least you can do is be respectful." She emphasized her words with a knife in each hand.
LaFontaine slid to their girlfriend's side, gently removing the knives from her hands and laying them on the carving board. They didn't say a word, just gave Perry a fond look and took one of her hands. Perry's train of thought was disturbed sufficiently for LaF to be able to drag her gently off to the side, sitting her down and pouring a glass of wine for the both of them.
Laura shot LaF a grateful look before sighing. "I just… I can't really concentrate. Where is Carmilla? She was supposed to be here over an hour ago."
"I'm sure she's fine." Danny never looked up from her laptop, swearing loudly as the sound of an explosion and a tiny animated car falling off a cliff floated through the air. "DID YOU JUST FUCKING BLUE SHELL ME, YOU SMUG LITTLE SPIKY FUCKING BOWLING BALL?" She mashed keys viciously, before relaxing suddenly to the tinny sound of trumpets. "I'm sure she's off doing the broody vampire thing and pretending she hates all joy. She has an image to maintain, you know."
Laura spun her chair around a few times. "Yeah, I'm sure you're right. I just worry, you know? She didn't even bring bear spray."
Danny paused her game to shoot Laura an incredulous look. "She's a three hundred year old vampire that can turn into a panther and vanish in a puff of black smoke. She literally killed an ancient, light devouring god like two weeks ago."
Laura flushed.
LaFontaine laughed from across the room. "Seriously, L, you're the one here who needs bear spray. I mean seriously, you've got the vampire, the Roman huntress, and Perry, and we all know that Perr is the scary one. You're just all… little, and clumsy."
The oven started beeping frantically and Perry jumped up, rushing to turn off the timer and get the roast out. A wave of wine- and gravy-scented smoke poured out and Laura moaned, saliva pooling in her mouth.
Danny spoke up before Laura could, jumping out of her seat to hover behind the floor don. "Perry, that smells incredible." The huntress shot Laura a look. "I don't care about politeness, if your girlfriend isn't here in ten minutes I'm eating without her."
Rolling her eyes, Laura smacked the taller girl in the back of the head. "Oh, so she's only my girlfriend when she does something you don't like, is that it?"
Danny paused.
"Yep."
Laura's retort was cut off by a pillar of black smoke erupting in front of her.
Danny cheered. "Finally!" She vaulted over Laura, scrambling to get around the smoke and to the table before it had fully reformed into the vampire. She tripped and almost fell when Laura screamed, grabbing the table to keep herself upright and wrenching her body around.
Carmilla had appeared fully, but she was standing slightly hunched. One pale hand was clutching her throat, while the other wrapped around her abdomen. She was covered in blood, head to toe. It ran in rivulets across her skin and dripped gently from her wild hair.
The room was frozen, no one even seeming to breathe as they stared at the vampire. Then Carmilla swayed, eyelids fluttering, and everyone moved at once.
Danny and Laura sprang forward to catch the girl before she fell, while Perry ran for her medical kit and LaFontaine shoved the table off to the side. They laid a blanket down, paused, and then yanked a couple of pillows down as well. Danny gently laid the vampire on the makeshift bed, Laura hovering over her with her hands fluttering.
Carmilla reached up slowly, catching Laura's hands and stilling them. "Hey, cupcake. Merry Christmas." She grinned wryly, clarity returning to her gaze.
Laura blinked, then huffed. "Seriously, Carm? That's all you have to say, merry Christmas? You just poofed in here looking like you took a tour through a slaughterhouse and you expect to get away with merry fucking Christmas?" She narrowed her eyes. "I don't think so. What the hell happened to you?"
The tip of a sword swung past Carmilla's nose and dug itself firmly into the hardwood floor. The vampire raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. "Watch where you're swinging that thing, Xena. I really don't want to add to my not-as-long-as-Laura-thinks list of injuries."
The huntress rolled her eyes. "You've obviously been in a hell of a fight. Excuse me for wanting to make sure that whoever or whatever attacked you is really very dead. Painfully dead." She looked down at Carmilla, catching her gaze and holding it for a long moment before smiling. "No one is allowed to hurt my girls."
It was not a pleasant smile.
Carmilla laughed, then winced. "Oh, don't make me laugh, gingersnap. Assholes did a number on my ribs." At Laura's horrified squeak, she elaborated. "A bunch of mother's less-intelligent spawn jumped me on my way here. I confess, I was not paying as much attention as I should have been. I was a little distracted. Like I said, they were barely above Cro-Magnons developmentally, all brawn and no brain. It was almost disappointing how easy it was to rip them apart. Of course, that was the moment that one of them managed to get his arms around me and his teeth in my throat."
At that she paused, looking affronted. "Really, though, I did the world a favor by killing them. A vampire who tries to eat another vampire? Even those fucking Twilight books didn't have something that mind-numbingly moronic in them. Such a disgrace…" She trailed off.
A cough from LaFontaine snapped her out of her thoughts. "Yeah, yeah, that's the end of the story anyway. He bit me, I ripped his arms off and beat him to death with them. I let the last one live. He'll run far and fast, telling the story to everyone he sees along the way. Pretty soon the whole of Europe will know that to set foot on Karnstein land means a very messy death." The vampire looked entirely too pleased with herself.
Danny sighed and rolled her eyes yet again. "So does that mean we can eat now?"
This time the smack came from both Perry and Laura. "Danny! Don't be an ass, she just got beaten up defending us again! We can wait a little while longer while she gets herself together." Laura gazed lovingly down at the vampire, who preened a little under the look. Danny scoffed and pouted, sheathing her sword grumpily.
Perry was less compassionate. "Laura is absolutely right. Carmilla was just attacked and she is filthy. She can't possibly sit at the table until she's cleaned up."
Carmilla blinked up at the floor don, seemingly dumbfounded. LaF straightened up in their seat, ready to defend their girlfriend from an angry vampire, but was shocked when Carmilla broke into uproarious laughter. "Can't argue with that, Keebler queen." She stretched out a hand, silently asking for assistance, and Perry obliged, yanking her bodily off the floor and prompting another raised eyebrow.
"Keebler queen?" The redhead didn't know whether to look offended or pleased by the nickname.
The vampire smirked. "Hell yeah. Those little bitches work hard, but you put them all to shame. Mind if I borrow your bathroom real quick?" She didn't wait for an answer, already dragging her shirt over her head as she sauntered away.
Danny stood up quickly. "I should go help her. Her ribs might give her trouble." She vanished behind the closed door, followed quickly by Laura – who hadn't even bothered trying an excuse.
Perry watched the door swing shut behind the girls and sighed. It didn't look like they'd be getting to dinner any time soon. LaF wrapped an arm around her shoulders and she smiled, tilting her head to rest on their shoulder. "This is nice, even with the blood and terror and inappropriate shower sex."
A kiss was dropped on top of her head. "Yeah, it really is. It always is when I'm with you, though."
The floor don straightened up, smiling sweetly at her girlfriend. "You're such a sap." LaF grinned broadly, and Perry couldn't resist pressing a kiss to that happy smile. "Merry Christmas, you sappy weirdo." A moan drifted out from the bathroom, and Perry winced. "Merry Christmas to them too, I guess."