Once upon a time there was a royal couple, King Ludwig and Queen Feliciana
Wait, what!? We are not together. Why does everyone keep thinking that?
Would you like me to put France over there at your side... as the king?
*from the window*~Onhonhonhonhonhonhonhonhonho n!
Fine, carry on. Just... don't make me regret helping you.
Look Germany! I'm the queen!
Very nice Italy. Now please continue.
After a few years the queen gave birth to a son-
PFFFT! *spews out water*
- and named him Gilbert.
Ha! I knew I was awesome enough to be the prince-
What? Bu-but I'm the hero! I'm the one who gets to save the the day.
Not this time! I've got it covered Al-DORK!
The king and queen threw a huge gala for their son's first birthday and invited everyone who was not an enemy to the king to attend. There were jesters and jugglers and dancers. There was a great feast filled with fruit and other delicacies. There were even games.
Three magically advanced knights rode up who were commonly known as Matthew, Alfred, and Arthur.
Duuude! I don't wanna be a knight!
Oh shut up, git. She said we're magically advanced!
Thank you, Arthur.
You're welcome.
You could have been the scullery maid, Al.
Fine.
Matthew, the first knight went up and said "I give you the gift of daring. With this gift you can accomplish great deeds with little fear. " A wave of red passed over the prince.
The second knight-
Iggy you're up!
- Alfred-
What?!
- rode up and said "I give to you the gift of awesomeness. With this gift your actions whatever they may be will be considered awesome in at least one person's eyes. " A wave of blue passed over him.
Sweet! Daring and Awesome! Bring on the damsels!
The third knight was preparing to give his gift when suddenly the door burst open.
"Like, whose capital has to be Warsaw for me to get an invite to this mega-boring party?" Standing in the doorway, clad in a 'wicked cool hipster' pink, sparkly miniskirt, was the witch.
Like, don't call me that! Leit tell her that that's, like, not nice.
Fine Empress then.
Like, much better.
The empress strode up to the baby and said " As punishment for your actions I will, like, have to curse the prince. When Gilbert is eighteen years old and you place that crown on his head he will, like, totally die. " A wave of pink passed over the prince turning him into an albino.
"Like, this party was totally lame anyways!" the empress said turning to leave.
The third knight came up and said "Whilst I cannot remove the curse entirely, I can change it."
King Ludwig looked at his teary-eyed queen and at his child and said " Do what you must."
Arthur nodded and said " I give you the gift of sleep. With this gift you will require little sleep as preparation for your eighteenth birthday. When the crown is placed on your head you will not die only sleep for fifty years when a lick on the forehead will break the spell. Santo Rita Meata Mater Ringo Jonah Tito Marlon Jack La Toya Janet Michael Dumbledora the Explorer" A blinding wave of green passed over everyone. The spell was changed.
Eventually the prince grew up. At the age of 18 his father held a coronation ceremony. He had quite forgotten the Empress's curse and placed the crown on the prince's head.
Wait. I'm not forgetful!
I realize, but we can't get him to sleep otherwise.
" You are now my heir to the throne. I pronounce you kin-"
The prince crashed to the floor snoring.
Wait, I'm the Damsel in Distress?!
Hahahahahaha! Dude, you should see the look on your face!
^$&^*&#$^%$! You set me up! You are completely un-awesome!
Honestly Gilbert... I seem to recall you wanting to be the prince.
Not if it involves sleeping for the whole damn story!
Anyway...
… The prince crashed to the floor.
"Oops."
The king promptly fell asleep and the three knights arrived. They carried him to his bed and said
"Good riddance fatass"
Alfred!
Fine!
"Goodnight, Prince Gilbert."
The knights left and the castle fell into a deep slumber.
Fifty years later an eighteen year old princess named Elizaveta-
Wait what?!
Oh, HELL NO!
I'm very flattered you chose me to be the heroine and all, but I HATE PRUSSIA!
Elizaveta was riding her magic banana-
Magic Banana? Who came up with this stupid story, anyway?
Shut up.
- through some random meadow. She came across a white goat with pink spots.
"Hello Mr. Goat!" the princess said brightly to the goat.
The goat erupted in sparkly pink fireworks.
Goat's got flair.
Yep.
The goat had turned into the Empress. The princess aimed her frying pan.
Like, Hungary how could you do this to me?
It's not me Feliks, it's the author!
How could you? I ,like, totally trusted you!
Can I continue?
Whatever, It's, like, your story. Totally not cool...
"Like, don't shoot!" The empress exclaimed hastily.
Veee~ but I thought Ms. Hungary was holding a frying pan!
It's an expression, Italy!
Oh, okay! ~
"And why should I?" The princess said menacingly.
"Because I've got information! The prince that you're trying to find is a cheating bastard." The Empress said hastily.
I believe it.
I second that.
Seems like something Gibert would do.
And if that's all, I'll be continuing with the story now.
" I don't believe you." The princess said, eyes narrowed.
I think we all agreed that that is an entirely believable thing for Gilbert to do.
I know, but for the sake of the story.
You guys hate me, don't you?
Yep. Moving on.
The Empress threw some fabulous pink sparkles that caused a flashback.
~ le flashback ~
The prince was seen in a crowd of girls called the Prince Gilbert Is So Epically Awesome Fanclub. (sign-up in the Entrance Hall) All of them were fawning over him and giving him proper German beer. He eventually started making out with all of the girls in his fanclub. One at a time of couse! Get your mind outta the gutter! 27 girls lost their virginity that night. Well so much for out of the gutter...
~ end of le flashback ~
"That complete ASS!"
Hah! Knew you loved it!"
CLANG!
Thank you.
"So, like,what are you going to do?" The Empress asked the princess.
The princess formulated a plan.
Two weeks later, after a suspicious trade involving beans, a perverted cow by the name of Francis entered the palace.
What?! Moi? Un Vache? ~Onhonhonhonhonhonhonhon! You are joking, no?
Dead Serious.
Oh, so cruel, ma cherie!~ Maybe I can change the way you-
What?! HELL NO! Get away from me you wanker! Clang! *hands back frying pan*
The *cough-bloody frog-cough* perverted cow entered the prince's chambers. It licked his forehead as well as ...other...places- and the prince woke up.
Prince Gilbert decided it would be bad form to not marry his savior, plus the fact that that cow was great in bed.
I am scarred for life.
-So they got married, or something, met a juggler by the name of Toni and thus the Bad Touch Trio was formed!
… And the princess?
After the trade, she went to the nearest village and met a stuffy pianist, and it was love at first sight.
And they all lived Happily Ever After...ish.
.
.
.
Okay there is a back story to this crack-fic.
Last year my Spanish teacher gave us Sleeping Beauty and told us to write it in Spanish. There were certain requirements though:
- the 3 whatsits couldn't be fairies
- something besides a kiss had to wake the princess, or in this case the prince, up
- the hero/heroine couldn't ride a horse
- and the witch couldn't turn into a dragon
The resulting story reminded me of Hetalia so names changed, commentary added and ~tada!
5th reviewer gets to pick the next fairy tale to butcher. The next five get to choose spin-offs from the original.
The rules:
1. no more than two reviews per person. (Mwahahahahahaha!)
2. Fairy tale must be in English.
I do not own Sleeping Beauty or Hetalia. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!