SIRIUSLY ME

Summary: The story of the wonderful life of Sirius Black told by the one and only, Sirius Black!

DISCLAIMER: I am not J. K. Rowling, unfortunately, and I therefore do not own any of these settings or characters… especially not Sirius… dammit!

A/N: Okay, yesterday I was rereading CoA and when my eye fell on 'Magical Me' by Gilderoy Lockhart I couldn't help thinking about having Sirius write his very own autobiography! So, well, I really hope you like it and… remember to leave a review, okay?

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CHAPTER ONE – Getting to know me

Hello to all the ladies out there! This is me, mighty Sirius Black… Please hold the applause.

I know, I know: you're all doing the happy dance to finally see a story about me.

I mean, I bet you're all as sick as I am of all these silly romance-filled drama stories about my good mate James and his girlfriend. I mean, haven't we had enough?

Yes, I tell you. But I found a solution for this problem: here it is, my very own autobiography! What's there better than this?

First of all, think about the main character here: On one side, there's me , Hogwarts' Number One Hottie, the sexiest man alive, and his wonderful adventures; on the other, the cheesy stories concerning Hogwarts' Sweethearts. I mean, Prongs, great friend as he is, is absolutely nothing compared to me! Nothing! The guy wears glasses, for a start. Geeky, horn-rimmed glasses. I mean… whoa. But then, he is not the perfect and handsome and sexy Sirius Black, so I guess we'll have to forgive him if he's a bit faulty.

But enough about them! This story is about me, okay? Just let me know if I get off track or something, because I don't want any more interruptions. Weren't you all dreaming to know all about my life?

Let's start off with my childhood. I was, much to my dismay, born in the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black, something I would have gladly traded for, I dunno, being born in the Snape household.

Okay, no, scratch that. I mean, Snape? No way. Could you imagine being Snivelly's brother ! Regulus is, as much of a dunderhead as he is, way better than Snivellus.

And… oh my Goodness! Think about my hair! My fabulous, silky, elegant, raven-black hair… If I'd been born a Snape, then I bet you my hair would be all greasy and-and… ew! I'd better not think about that. Especially not when I'm about to eat.

One thing you should know about me, is that I am so damn lucky for some things. No, I am not referring to my dashing good looks or the aura around me that makes girls of all shapes and sizes want to throw their knickers at me. I am talking about the fact that I can eat and eat and eat all the junk food I want without gaining a single pound. Wormtail used to hate me so much for it! But then, he was always on the chubby side.

So, thanks to this wonderful trait of mine, I can – and will – eat anything I can lay my hands on at any given time. You'll have trouble finding me without a doughnut or a Sugar Quill or a Licorice Wand or whatever else in my hands.

But, God, I thought I'd asked you to stop me whenever I went off topic? I know it's hard to stop me once I start talking, because my voice is incredibly melodious and all, but please, at least promise me you'll try, okay?

So, back to my childhood. My loving and caring mother was actually a mean and awful wench. And I'm not kidding here. I mean, the woman wanted to curse me on the spot when she found out I'd been sorted in Gryffindor, okay? Of course, I myself did not feel as I belonged in Gryffindor, but that's because I think I should be in a special house, composed solely of incredibly handsome, brilliant and perfect people.

We could call it the Sirius Black House.

Actually, scratch that; in the Sirius Black House I would want myself and at least forty-five models, all worshipping me and taking care of me.

In bikinis, possibly.

But I guess that's never going to happen, because, really, if there were a House like that, then people like James would feel very sorry for themselves. And we don't want to crush the self-esteem of some poor, innocent eleven-year-olds, do we?

But the bikini idea was nice. I really ought to tell Sue Andre'.

Sue Andre' is not my girlfriend. She is a very pretty girl, and the founder and president of the 'Sirius Black Official Fan Club'… oh, c'mon, don't tell me that you thought a Sex God like myself did not have his own fan club… I mean, even James has one! (though mine is better, if I do say so myself)

You all probably think that being who I am – do I really need to tell you? Sexy, intelligent, kind, dashing, brilliant, funny, handsome… – my life has always been a piece of cake. But I assure you, it's not.

It's incredibly tiring having to sign all those autographs, okay? And posing for all the pictures and posters? A nightmare. These girls are never satisfied.

And I always have to watch my back. Not so much from the Death Eaters – Lord Voldemort's supporters, in case you don't know who they are – but from crazy girls running to me with scissors, trying to cut out a lock of my hair to carry with them wherever they go, or a piece of my robes, to worship when they can't contemplate the real thing.

It's a difficult life, okay? Very stressing. But I can't leave all those poor girls unsatisfied, can I? No, I can't. They adore me! How could I let them down?

Oh, silly me. I won't even bother to remind you that you were supposed to say something. You're surely hanging on my every word, aren't you? I know, I know. It doesn't matter.

But let's go back to my story, shall we? I was born on September 2, 1960. Oh, by the way, I heard the Minister of Magic's Junior Assistant (one Meredith Garland, member of the Sirius Black Official Fan Club, of course) was actually trying to convince the Minister to make this date a national holiday, so that girls all around the world (or Great Britain, anyway) could spend the day focusing all their energies on my sole person.

I made sure to send her a personalized thank-you note.

I last heard she has been black-mailing the Minister to achieve her goal.

Isn't she a nice girl?

But, personally, I could not care less if my birthday becomes a national holiday or not. Rule Number Two of the Sirius Black Official Fan Club is 'Every proud member of the club must devote herself entirely to Sirius Black every day of the year'. So that's got my birthday covered, as well.

Now, as I was saying, when I was little I—

"Padfoot, mate, are you done recounting the wonderful story of your life?" came a voice from right behind me.

Creepy. I thought I was alone in the room. I turned around to face James Potter, my best mate. Yeah, yeah, the guy all of the stories in the Marauders' Era section are about. The one of which I am extremely jealous and the one to whom I am extremely attached.

"Padfoot… I'm talking to you."

Oh, right. "Um, what was it you said?"

"I asked whether you were done reciting the story of your life," continued James, raising an eyebrow.

"Right." Then it dawned on me. "Wait a moment… how the devil did you know I was recounting the story of my life?" I mean, I was doing it in my mind, you know. "You're a Legilimens, aren't you? Oh, how cruel of you not to say anything before! I feel so – so vulnerable, now! All this time you've been spying on my thoughts! But then… why didn't you get angry when you saw me thinking about Lily in that sexy lace lingerie I'd seen in that store next to…" I trailed off, staring at the look on my friend's face.

"You were talking out loud to yourself again, you dolt, I wasn't doing any mind-reading or—" He paused, looking suddenly rather greenish. "What's that you said about my girlfriend and sexy lingerie!"

Why don't I ever keep my mouth shut? Why? "Me? Your girlfriend? Sexy lingerie? Prongs, I think you're a bit confused, aren't you? I never said anything like that…"

He was still glaring at me. "Right. Right. I'm sure as hell you didn't."

"So, um, what brought you up here to overhear my thoughts?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

I succeeded. He relaxed visibly. "Lily wanted to know what happened to the turkey we were supposed to have for dinner," he explained, emphasizing the last word.

One thing I didn't tell you is that right now, considering the fact that I'm 19 years old and don't have much of an income, I share an apartment with James and his girlfriend. So that's why Lily would be caring about some turkey for our dinner.

"Turkey?" I repeated, feigning a surprised look. "We have turkey down in the fridge? I had no idea."

"We had turkey down in the fridge, but we don't have it anymore because someone ate it." James stared at me pointedly.

I shrugged. "Must have been a stray cat or something."

"More likely a stray dog, wouldn't you agree?" he asked.

"Yeah, definitely," I answered. "Yeah, I'm sure it must have been a stray dog."

"Possibly very big and shaggy and black and stupid," continued James just as conversationally.

"Certainly. Actually, now that you mention it, I think I saw a dog like that roaming around the house. Big, shaggy, black…" I trailed off, thinking. "Hold on a moment! You're talking about me, aren't you!"

James raised an eyebrow. "Am I?"

I rolled my eyes. "Of course you are. But I seem to have told you that I didn't even know we had turkey."

"Padfoot, look under your bed!" he ordered. "There's still the plate!"

I looked. He was right. "Oh." I tried to think of something intelligent to say, but couldn't find anything. "C'mon, Prongs, you know perfectly well about my illness!"

James raised his other eyebrow. "Your illness? You mean incurable stupidity?"

I glared at him. "No, I meant my obsessive compulsive eating disorder."

He laughed. "Since when is that an illness?"

"Since when am I not allowed any more privacy?"

James rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Listen, Lily and I are going to the Chinese restaurant just around the corner, since there's nothing left in the fridge. Wanna join us, big guy?"

I shrugged. "Sure. I have to eat something. There's still this hole in my stomach."

"That explains why you're always hungry," he muttered, but I pretended not to hear him and headed downstairs.

A/N: Okay, first chapter's done. I know it was kinda short and also kinda pointless (okay, not pointless, because nothing Sirius says is pointless!) but I needed the first chapter to be some kind of introduction to the story. Don't worry, I promise in the next chapter a lot more laughs and a lot of memories, pre- and post-Hogwarts! So, well, I really hope you liked it, and now, all you've gotta do is click below where it says 'Would you like to leave a review?' or something like that, and write what liked or didn't like about this story. Okay?

Thanks,

Hallie Black