Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Star Trek. You, dear reader, will probably be glad of this fact after reading this fic.
A/N: In a fit of inspiration after twice watching the glorious Star Trek movie, I decided I had nothing better to do than pay homage to the genius Cassandra Clare and her "Very Secret Diaries" series.
If you're not a Lord of the Rings fan and haven't heard of or read the VSD series, I shall forewarn you that this is a work of extreme parody. Completely illogical pairings and situations will ensue. (I am certain Spock would not approve.)
If you are a Lord of the Rings fan and haven't heard of the VSD series, how dare you call yourself a fan. Get thee to a search site and read them now. Anyways, I hope you enjoy.
The Very Secret Diaries of the U.S.S. Enterprise: Jim Kirk
Day 1:
Iowa so boring. Farm animals beginning to look quite attractive.
Day 2:
Got beaten up today. Found solace in being pretty even with tampons stuck up nose.
In other news, recruited to Starfleet. Captain Pike has very loud whistle….wonder what else he can do with mouth?
Day 1100:
Has been three years. Not officer.
Day 1102:
Look so good in tighty-whities. Go me!
Still not officer.
Day 1103:
V. angry. Is not my fault beat test by shagging green girl. Spock just jealous of my prettiness. Nope, not officer.
Later:
Good thing McCoy madly attracted to me. Otherwise would be left at Academy with no one to cuddle.
On the other hand, puffy hands quite awful. Wish McCoy would inject me with something other than hypos.
Day 1104:
Occurred to me today that Pavel is v. pretty. Almost as pretty as me. Am finding self strangely attracted to little Russian boy. But Sulu will kill me if I try anything.
Day 1105:
Wonder why Captain Pike looks so scared. Sure some alone time with big muscular tattooed man not so bad. Am rather jealous, really.
Also, am first officer now. Wonder if Pavel would like me if am captain?
Later:
Had nice sweaty midair cuddle with Sulu. Secret plan to shoot holes in parachute v. effective.
Chekov looked quite excited upon our return in beaming device. Probably because Sulu was on top of me.
Day 1107:
Spock thinks he is soooo attractive with pointy ears and such. Ha! Ha! He does not realize he has bowl for hair.
Later:
Found out Spock and Uhura shagging. Currently looking for bowl and scissors.
Day 1108:
Brrr….so cold. Not sure chill v. good for complexion.
Met wrinkly old Spock. Eew, hope I will not turn out looking so much like Leonard Nimoy. (Feel better though—good thing did not find scissors in time.) Also chased by creepy monsters jealous of my prettiness.
In other news, not captain.
Later:
Met Scotty. Accent quite a turn-on.
Damn. Spock looks so smug. Seems Uhura really quite good with tongue.
Day 1109:
Young Spock beat me up, as was definitely emotionally compromised by my stunning beauty.
Am worried no longer the prettiest. Suspicious this was all devious plan concocted by old Spock. Stupid jealous Vulcans.
Oh well. Now captain.
Day 1111:
Bored. Had Scotty beam me up several times—once in bathroom, twice in cockpit. Is v. good being captain.
Also, "rescued" lucky Captain Pike from tied-up-by-big-tattooed-men situation. Still jealous.
Later:
Sad to see manly Nero go, but still won battle while maintaining title of prettiest. Go me!
In fit of delusion and self-congratulations, decided to try something with Chekov. Found out Sulu really excellent at fencing. Collapsible sword v. pointy.
Even later:
Have heard from reliable source that am considered "prize stallion" by McCoy.
More importantly, Spock believes stallions must be "broken." Think this could be start of a beautiful relationship….pointy ears and eyebrows really quite a turn-on.
(A/N: If you made it this far, you KNOW that you want to click on the "review" button and make me a happy woman! Love constructive criticism; flames will be used to roast Twilight-obsessed fangirls. Reviews mean more diaries from other crewmembers!
Also, I'm aware that the events of the movie did not happen over quite so many days, but I didn't really want to keep writing "Later.")