AUTHOR'S NOTE: I cried when I first beta read Jael's "Did You Lose What Won't Return." And it stayed with me in a way where I needed to write more to follow it up. She was kind enough to give me the go-ahead.
Ray took in a deep breath and let it out slowly after Leo finished talking. He buried his face in his hands, and sat there hunched over on the edge of the bed.
The silence stretched out, and the worry Leo had felt when he started his story of split souls and… Sara… began to turn into panic. He'd been so certain Ray would be forgiving about… well, he couldn't really call it cheating, could he?... but the longer Ray stayed there, taking in shuddering breaths, the less certain he felt. "Ray?"
He knelt down in front of his lover. "Ray. I'm… I'm sorry about Sara. I… if I'd thought it would hurt you like this, I wouldn't have told him-"
Ray rubbed his hands over his face and raised his head, meeting Leo's eyes. "It's not Sara, Leo. I… I actually get that. Just the way I got it when you stayed behind with them. I understand closure. What you did with Sara… what Leonard did with her… that was just a one-time thing."
Letting out a sigh of relief, Leo reached out to wrap his hands around Ray's. "It was. I love you."
"And I love you," Ray answered, pulling Leo toward him for a kiss. Then he rested his forehead against Leo's and said, "I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that you were once… someone else."
"Me, too," Leo admitted. "At least now I know where all the scars came from." He rose and sat next to Ray. "He had a rough, rough life. A lot of darkness."
Ray shifted to look him in the eyes again. "But there was enough light in him to become you," he said. "And as hard as he had it, he still had people who loved him. His sister. His Mick. Sara. They made him happy. And he gave that up… gave them up… so we could be happy."
He sighed heavily. "I've seen a lot of sacrifices since I got here. But this… this is… different. Leo, I am glad… so glad... to have you home again..." He leaned forward to kiss Leo again as if to reassure him, and then said, "But Sara and Mick… they were our allies, and I know they became your friends. And his sister…"
Ray shook his head, looking down at his hands. "I still remember the day they told us my brother was dead. I was 14. I'd just come home from high school. I was in the kitchen, getting a snack before doing my homework. I heard the doorbell ring. Then… then I heard my mom… screaming."
Leo let out a low huff of sympathy and put a hand over Ray's. He'd never been willing to tell Leo this story before.
"I ran to see what was going on. Two Marines in dress uniforms were standing in the doorway, and my parents… Mom and Dad were on their knees, crying. My dad… I'd never seen him cry before. One of the Marines told me Michael had been killed in action in Fallujah."
His voice became thick with emotion. "I was 14, and I felt like… Leo, it felt like they'd ripped a hole in me and pulled something out. And all these years later, it still feels like something inside of me is missing that can't ever be put back, no matter what I do, no matter how much you love me."
He shook his head again. "Knowing that he… Leonard… sacrificed himself again to keep your promise to me, and that... all those people are still walking around with something missing from inside of them… it's hard to swallow, no matter how much I love you."
Leo sighed, and after a moment said, "He… we didn't see any other way… and when it came down to it, he didn't really give me a choice. Guess I used to be a stubborn bastard."
"You still are," Ray answered with just a ghost of a smile. He squeezed Leo's hand. "I'll be all right, Leo. Just… let me sit with it a bit."
Leo nodded and started to rise from the bed. Ray pulled him back down.
"I didn't say I wanted to sit alone."
And when the broken-hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer
Let it be
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer
Let it be
-"Let It Be", Paul McCartney/The Beatles
We plan more than just two songs for this songbook.